Dating a disabled person

isthisselfish? · 15-07-2019 10:33am #1

Recently, I met a really amazing guy on Tinder. On his profile he mentioned he was in a wheelchair but he had a really great personality and lovely pictures. We spoke twice on the phone before meeting up.

I really have never met anyone like him before, he is absolutely hilarious, very confident and so giving and caring. He is in a wheelchair from a failed suicide attempt several years ago. He isn't depressed anymore and actually flies around on his wheelchair, sometimes with me on his lap and it is really hilarious! He is quite the character and absolutely gorgeous looking. It really saddens me to look at old photographs where he could stand, he was a 6ft amazing actor... I have seen his videos.

I feel so strongly about him so quickly but honestly (as selfish as this sounds), this will make my future a lot more difficult. I love dancing, hikes, swimming, just walking for hours in general. Last week alone I went to a zumba class, a yoga class and a hike. I can never really share those hobbies with him. I could never even walk on a beach with him.

He is also in constant pain, he gets "phantom pains" in electric pulses and this sometimes even causes him to experience spasticity in his legs (when sleeping etc). He regularly cries out in extreme pain and he self medicates this (heavily) with weed. My own father committed suicide so I understand depression but now I feel like I am taking on some massive problems for someone else that isn't even my family?

If it wasn't for these (albeit very big hindrances) I would definitely go hell for leather into a relationship with him. To be honest, it is more so the weed part that bothers me, because I don't like addiction and his life revolves around it. How can you ask someone to stop something when you see how they struggle in pain? Agony really. It makes me want to cry, his whole body is covered in scars (more than 30) and he has even had to get surgery to reattach his lungs after the fall.

I don't know. Would you date someone disabled? Am I sacrificing too much? I don't know, I feel very confused and sort of wish I had never even met up with him but it was hard because I feel such a connection with him. I feel like if I gave up on him it will be him being punished again ad again for an action he took on a whim years ago. I don't know.

And just for level of disability: he can stand and walk a few steps but this is with extreme agony so when we are out it is always in the wheelchair. He still has both of his legs but in the future may get his foot amputated because he could walk better with a prosthetic. He can obviously go to the bathroom etc by himself. We are both in our late-twenties.

Also, so many of the wonderful things from his personality are because of his accident. He wouldn't have the same personality if he hadn't gone through that so I am experiencing the "rewards" of the accident I suppose...He really is the most wonderful person I have dated. He is unbelievably generous and talented in bed (I know, best sex from a handicapped guy!!), he reads and writes me poetry and serenades me (genuinely, hah! he sings so well too) and is just an all around dish. The constant weed and seeing him in so much pain is so hard though...

Emme · 15-07-2019 11:47am

Paralysis aside there are a couple of red flags with your new man. The one that stands out most is his use of weed. He had issues before his accident. Was he a regular weed user before his accident?

What is he doing for himself? Does he attend a pain management clinic and if so does he take the medical advice he gets? Does he get occupational therapy?

You need to approach this relationship as you would with a fully able-bodied guy who previously had issues and is a regular weed user.

You may need to get counselling about the loss of your father and sort yourself out before committing to a serious relationship. Otherwise you may end up choosing the wrong guys.

shesty · 15-07-2019 12:27pm

The weed would be a big issue for me.I mean to be fair to you, you sound like you are seeing past his disability and thinking of practical things, that you would like to share with him as part of a relationship, and how they might prove difficult.

For me the weed issue would be, in his circumstances, what happens when the weed isn't enough, when the pain becomes too much.What would he move on to then?And also, he sounds lovely, but I would wonder how much of that is influenced by the intake of weed-if it stopped, how much of a personality change would there be.

There are a few red flags there too for me.

isthisselfish? · 15-07-2019 1:36pm

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

Yes, for me it isn't about the disability, it is the treatment of it. He says the painkillers that he was taking had terrible side effects and didn't stop the electrical pulses, just the more constant throb of pain. His whole body shakes with it sometimes, it is quite distressing.

I have been honest with him about this, that it isn't his disability but his addiction that are making me falter. It turns me off more to imagine us on holidays (for example) and him having to look for weed, than the thoughts of wheeling him around old European cobbled streets.

I believe in "never entering into a relationship thinking you can change someone" so if I don't feel like I can accept a weed addict partner, then I guess I need to call it off. He said, "Don't let my pain, which is already ruining my life, ruin our beautiful beginning together". I will never (hopefully) truly understand what it is like to live with chronic pain, and weed is genuinely prescribed for pain, but he smokes it excessively. If he took CBD pills, oils etc instead I wouldn't mind but having a partner constantly in a plume of smoke isn't the best. Especially since I do love weed too, now I am older I rarely smoke it, but with him I have been smoking it too and it is a road I know only too well makes me lazy etc

bucketybuck · 15-07-2019 1:36pm

How long have you actually known him?

A lot of what you say sounds like somebody in the first 2 months of a relationship when everything is still honey and roses and you haven't had a chance to find out some of the more irritating sides of his/her character. He isn't going to be writing you poetry or serenading you forever...

If it is still that early in the relationship then perhaps these concerns are premature. It is perfectly valid and understandable to wonder if you want to spend the rest of your life looking after a disabled person, but it might be an easier question if in 4/5 months some of the more mundane issues people have are starting to surface.

suicide_circus · 15-07-2019 3:58pm

it would be a huge commitment, which you know.

the weed thing, would your prefer if he just stuck to strong opioid pain killers? is it the illegality that bothers you?

tbh i'm more struck by the fact that your father killed himself and now youre falling for a man that tried to kill himself but survived, a little Freudian perhaps?

Xterminator · 15-07-2019 8:24pm

The man is disabled and has chronic pain. I think most people can accept he deserves pain management. so is the issue he needs pain meds, or his choice of pain meds?

If it is that he will need pain meds for the foreseeable future then what future do you have?

if you disagree with his choice of pain meds because it is illegal (but being legalized) then i think the issue is yours and not his.

qwerty13 · 15-07-2019 11:50pm

Apart from your practical concerns, and the weed stuff - are you sure that you can cope with a relationship with a guy who tried to kill himself, given your family history?

Tread carefully OP. I’m not in your situation, but that jumped out at me. Personally I think that would jump out at me every day, and I’d find it very hard to cope with. Do you think there’s a chance that you’re trying to ‘save’ him?

leggo · 16-07-2019 7:15am

The disability, the weed...none of it matters. What the issue is here is you’re already thinking of ways you’d change him. Not in a bad or malicious way mind, it’s perfectly natural and your brain’s way of telling you this isn’t for you. Listen to it. Nobody wants to be with someone who wants them to change, we all want to be accepted and appreciated for who we are. And you won’t be able to change him either, all that’s going to happen if you continue is the good aspects will fade away, your empathy for him will too, and all you’ll be able to see are the parts you’d change.

It’s already over OP. If you accept that now and listen to yourself, you can make that official in a nice way rather than try force it and have it go the other direction. It’s a perfectly fine decision, you’re not a bad person at all for having these feelings. You get to decide who you want to commit to and don’t owe anyone anything in that respect.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2019 10:51am

The disability isn't the issue to be fair. The suicide attempt is too close to home. He's not going to admit to depression still being there in early days of a relationship. You can't be in a relationship with the threat of suicide in background especially when you've already lost someone. You'd be afraid to end things at a later stage. It does sound like a potential subconscious saviour aspect is drawing you in.

Kidchameleon · 16-07-2019 11:30am

This is going to sound harsh but I'll just give you my perspective. You are very young, there are plenty of guys out there who could make you feel the same way he does, why waste your youth on this guy? There is simply just too much baggage. Why are you selling yourself so short? There is no future with this guy if you want kids for sure. Go out and find an able bodied guy who is not addicted to drugs and live life to the fullest. You have only recently met him, I say get out now before you become really attached. Im sure he is lovley & he will meet someone with more compatable circumstances in no time.

isthisselfish? · 16-07-2019 11:38am

Thank you everyone for replying.

For the members who have mentioned me having a problem with it because of it being illegal...I smoke it myself sometimes! I personally believe all drugs should be decriminalised. It is just the nuisance of addiction to something illegal and very expensive. This isn't like him having one or two joints a day, he can smoke up to 5grams. If we were in Ireland, this would cost more than a 100€ a day. Also, every joint also has tobacco in it so it's that too.

No, he doesn't attend any pain management clinics. I work a bit in health care so I know that "phantom pains" can go beyond what strong painkillers can do. I feel so bad that he has to live everyday in such chronic pain

I can understand how he is in this place, imagine being disabled and so thoroughly in pain constantly form something you did physically to yourself?

I don't know about trying to "save" him but I do always feel more comfortable with people who are a bit (for want of a better word) "damaged" like me. Both my parents were alcoholics too so this is why I am red-alert about the weed issue. Personally, I try to organise activities each evening to avoid any temptation to get into a routine of sitting down with wine etc. I have been there in the past myself.

I rang him yesterday and explained all this and he said he would try to reduce his consumption but I honestly don't want to tell someone to suffer more because of me? I told him it is his life and I don't want to ask him to change but he can turn it around to "my pain is already ruining my life and now you're letting it ruin us"

I think I need to call it off. Right now he is over the top invested though and that has put pressure on me too. To be honest, now I am beginning to feel sorry for him

He is so fun and handsome and sweet but I am getting messages like "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and it has only been a short amount of time!

wiggle16 · 16-07-2019 12:07pm

I think the fact that he is disabled is skewing things a little bit. You have no real issue with his disability itself, so remove it from the equation. You might not be able to walk on the beach, but you can still go to the beach. You'd happily help him wheel over cobbles. I think that's something you've been well able to see past.

He smokes weed and that's not something you're on board with in terms of volume. As leggo pointed out, you've only been seeing him a short time and there's a couple of things you're not happy with, and they're not small things. There's nothing unreasonable about not being on board with them. And they're not going to change.

He might have a genuine reason to smoke weed (if we put it that way) but that doesn't mean you have to be okey dokey about the amount.

If you don't think you can see past those issues, it might be time to call it a day with him, I'm afraid.

ETA: you replied while i was writing my reply, sorry

LegacyUser · 16-07-2019 12:58pm

Being brought up with trauma makes you seek trauma in own relationships as messed up as it sounds. You probably need to work through this yourself if you find yourself seeking out damaged people as you put it. Adult children of alcoholics often end up in codependent relationships also. He's over invested in the early days which doesn't imply stability. I can see I only want to be with you quickly changing to can't live without you.

Redser87 · 16-07-2019 1:13pm

OP imagine a man with no disability and no pain were showing you all these red flags. You would not need to worry in the same way at all. I think you've made the right call. Good luck!

Kidchameleon · 16-07-2019 1:52pm

OP add emotional manipulation to the red flag list. You sound like a really lovley woman and one of these people who are too kind for their own good. Please dont feel like you owe anyone anything.

shesty · 17-07-2019 9:15am

Ok I was waiting for a few more replies on this one from you OP and I think my advice would be to leave.Without feeling bad.

He sounds very intense.And there is a degree of emotional manipulation-'my pain is ruining my life, and now YOU are letting ruin our relationship"?It's not you "letting it" do anything-he is the one using the weed, you are not comfortable with it, and that's ok.I would be wary enough of some of what he is saying, as it sounds like you have only been out a few times.I accept that he needs the weed, but that doesn't mean you have to like it or be ok with it.And as someone else said, he did try to commit suicide.Given his current situation, I really wonder what his mindset would be without the weed.

As another poster said, would you be ok with a guy who is not disabled speaking to you like this, or using weed like this (if you were not happy with the quantity).I think you are probably better to call it a day on this one, your gut is not that happy with it, and that will not get better.

isthisselfish? · 17-07-2019 9:39am

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for the support. I met up with a close friend last night and told her everything. She echoed mostly everyone here; RUN AWAY. I did need to see the man away from the disability and yes, there is no way I would seriously date a weed addict, suffering from depression (also currently unemployed...didn't mention that one...) and sooo intense. The person who said that their intensity could turn into "I can't live without you" really made an impact because I feel that he isn't a stable person.

I think i just got swept up in it but since three days I have had a really heavy feeling of anxiety in my stomach.

So I sent him a long message explaining that I have my own problems and I need to find someone who is different to me and not the same (a polite way of saying, I have my own problems and need someone normal). He hasn't responded yet and to be honest, I'm dreading it...

He lives over an hour and a half from me so that's why I messaged him. He spends all day sending me messages etc so I just wanted to end it now when I had the courage and not wait until next week to do it in person.

I really hope he does find the love and stability he deserves, any time I see a multiple story building I shudder a bit thinking of him throwing himself out of it, just to wake up in a body that doesn't work anymore. It really genuinely makes me want to cry, I'm so upset even writing this but he needs someone different to me too; we are both damaged but in different ways.

Aye Bosun · 17-07-2019 9:43am

I just wanted to weigh in on the weed issue here. I’ve a spinal cord injury too and use weed to manage my pain and spasms.

I been living with a SCI for over 10 years now and I’ve been through numerous pain management clinics and tried all the prescription meds they have thrown at me and I can tell you honestly nothing comes close to having the effect weed does for my pain, for my spasms, for my general health and for my mental health.

Prescription meds screwed up my mental health, making me paranoid and aggressive and had major effects on my general health too. I was always catching every bug going as your immune system is comprised with all meds you are taking, not just to treat the symptoms but also the meds you are given to treat the side effects of meds that are treating your symptoms!!

I also had problems managing my weight, I was down to 7 stone as I lost my appetite and was nauseous all the time from the prescription meds. I was out of work for 5 years because I couldn’t manage the work place with all the effects of the meds. Did you know that 95% of adults living with a SCI are unemployed!

I now refuse all prescription meds and solely medicate with weed and I can tell you first hand my life and the lives of my loves ones are so much better as a result of weed. I’m no longer aggressive and paranoid, I sleep well, I’m working full time again, volunteer in my community, I have an active social life, I maintain a healthy weight and my general health has never been better! Oh and my pain and spasms are under control and manageable..none of which was possible on the prescription meds.

Please do your research into weed and SCI. I think you’ll be surprised by the results.

I can tell you for free if you saw what your potential partner was like on the prescription meds, you’d be off breaking the law and growning the weed for him yourself, just like one of my family is doing for me..I’ve a black thumb but I’m working on growing my own!

Try walk a day in his shoes or roll a week in his wheels and understand that if you were in his situation you’d do ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL to relieve the symptoms. Take a walk around the wards of NRH and chat to patients and past patients and you’ll find a majority of them are medicating with weed.

As for your other concerns with your potential partner I can’t help but you should think of weed as a medicine that is helping him live a fulfilling and active life after a devastating and life changing injury.

MAKE IT MEDICINE, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

isthisselfish? · 17-07-2019 10:11am

Okay he responded asking to meet one last time, he will stop smoking so much weed. he isn't as fragile as I think and it would be a shame to waste what we have.

He did do two job interviews recently as well and said he knows he has been abusing weed and could get by with just smoking before bed for the spasms, rather than the massive 5grams a day.

JustAThought · 17-07-2019 10:20am

Sounds a reasonable request - guy has had so much trauma in his life a d is dealing with so much yet sems like a great guy, makes you laugh, you have had some great times together - why not meet one last time and friendzone him oe say goodbye. You could be the last fun thing in his life - could be nice to end it well.best of luck. Cant be easy dating while disabled.

woodchuck · 17-07-2019 10:44am

Well done OP. I think you need to stick to your guns here though. You've made your decision, which I think is the right one for many reasons.

If you meet up in person I'd be afraid that he'd just try to take advantage of your kind nature to talk you around, possibly using some more emotional blackmail.

Kidchameleon · 17-07-2019 11:26am

Personally, I wouldnt meet up with him again. Itll drag out the inevitable

bucketybuck · 17-07-2019 11:30am

woodchuck wrote: »

possibly using some more emotional blackmail.

I'm not sure it is emotional blackmail to try and salvage a relationship with somebody whom even the OP admits they get on really well together. I don't think he has said anything particularly manipulative.

That doesn't mean the OP needs to stay if she doesn't want to, but its not hard to see where he is coming from either.

woodchuck · 17-07-2019 12:02pm

bucketybuck wrote: »

I'm not sure it is emotional blackmail to try and salvage a relationship with somebody whom even the OP admits they get on really well together. I don't think he has said anything particularly manipulative.

Sorry, I was referring to an earlier post from the OP:

He said, "Don't let my pain, which is already ruining my life, ruin our beautiful beginning together".

That sounds like emotional blackmail to me!

Regardless, I can understand that the guy would want to try and work things out. But OP you've made up your mind and for very good reasons. There's no point in dragging things out further and giving him hope that you could work things out (or worse, let yourself get dragged back into a relationship that you know is wrong for you).

Emme · 17-07-2019 12:11pm

OP there is a lot to say for meeting him again but there is a good chance he would take advantage of your kind nature and you might end up getting back together again. Don't go back to him because you feel sorry for him. If he uses weed for pain management he won't be able to go off it that easily without professional help.

Again even without the disability there were several red flags. The accelerated pace of the relationship at the start (it's known as love bombing), his emotional blackmail of you, the weed and other things. No man is perfect but you need to be able to support each other, not you supporting him to the detriment of yourself.

By all means meet in a public place such as a cafe and be a friend to him. It's up to him to get his life back together for himself (ie cutting back on weed, getting a job etc.) not to get you back into his life. If you went back there is a chance he might threaten suicide to hold on to you. Plenty of able bodied people do this so it has nothing to do with his disability. So it's best to nip it in the bud. Don't let him suck you back in if you are not comfortable about going back to him.

ginandtonicsky · 17-07-2019 2:14pm

I think you made the right call here. In my experience your instinct is usually worth listening to when it comes to these things. Your gut has been screaming at you here and there's some very real reasons to not invest any further.

Given your own family and personal history, I think it could be really detrimental to get any more involved with this man. We all bring baggage to the table and that's not the issue here, it's that he has some serious issues that 1. he doesn't seem to be dealing with and 2. play into your own history and pattern with men. As unpalatable and un-PC as it is to talk about, this should be a dealbreaker for you. In my case, I dated an addict before and have a family history of it - for that reason, it's a dealbreaker for me. At the same time, I tend to be drawn towards that type of personality so I have to monitor my dating life and conduct myself with more self-awareness than I did in the past.

That doesn't take away from any feelings of sympathy and empathy and caring and consideration you have for him. You will and should feel those things. He's had a hard run of it. Just make sure you don't set your own needs and self-care aside in a programmed effort to "fix" him. That way lies a lot of heartbreak and pain.

shesty · 17-07-2019 8:59pm

Aye Bosun wrote: »

I just wanted to weigh in on the weed issue here. I’ve a spinal cord injury too and use weed to manage my pain and spasms.

I been living with a SCI for over 10 years now and I’ve been through numerous pain management clinics and tried all the prescription meds they have thrown at me and I can tell you honestly nothing comes close to having the effect weed does for my pain, for my spasms, for my general health and for my mental health.

Prescription meds screwed up my mental health, making me paranoid and aggressive and had major effects on my general health too. I was always catching every bug going as your immune system is comprised with all meds you are taking, not just to treat the symptoms but also the meds you are given to treat the side effects of meds that are treating your symptoms!!

I also had problems managing my weight, I was down to 7 stone as I lost my appetite and was nauseous all the time from the prescription meds. I was out of work for 5 years because I couldn’t manage the work place with all the effects of the meds. Did you know that 95% of adults living with a SCI are unemployed!

I now refuse all prescription meds and solely medicate with weed and I can tell you first hand my life and the lives of my loves ones are so much better as a result of weed. I’m no longer aggressive and paranoid, I sleep well, I’m working full time again, volunteer in my community, I have an active social life, I maintain a healthy weight and my general health has never been better! Oh and my pain and spasms are under control and manageable..none of which was possible on the prescription meds.

Please do your research into weed and SCI. I think you’ll be surprised by the results.

I can tell you for free if you saw what your potential partner was like on the prescription meds, you’d be off breaking the law and growning the weed for him yourself, just like one of my family is doing for me..I’ve a black thumb but I’m working on growing my own!

Try walk a day in his shoes or roll a week in his wheels and understand that if you were in his situation you’d do ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL to relieve the symptoms. Take a walk around the wards of NRH and chat to patients and past patients and you’ll find a majority of them are medicating with weed.

As for your other concerns with your potential partner I can’t help but you should think of weed as a medicine that is helping him live a fulfilling and active life after a devastating and life changing injury.

MAKE IT MEDICINE, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

I don't think many of us are expecting him to stop needing the weed. It's clearly something he does need, but it doesn't mean the OP has to be comfortable with it. She isn't, and I suppose in addition to the other red flags - he seems quite intense - she may be better off to leave him rather than stay.

tara73 · 17-07-2019 10:37pm

I see it differently from the majority here, I can't see anything manipulative in his behaviour or words and so I can't see the many red flags either. Honestly, don't know where they should be apart from his weed smoking where there's this absolutely devastating reason for it as poster Aye Bosun explained especially well and there's his disability if you want to call it a red flag..

With his sentence: "Don't let my pain, which is already ruining my life, ruin our beautiful beginning together" for me, he is just expressing his fear and is actually a desperate plea. If he would say: you ruin our relationship because you can't cope with my pain, that would be manipulative and blackmailing for me.

I don't know, I really feel for this poor guy, he surely likes you a lot and his chances of meeting someone like you are probably very very slim and for sure he knows this and that's why he's desperate to lose you, 'lovebombing' you if you want to call it like this or sending you texts all the time. Being so intense. Regarding the horrible situation he's in, I can only understand this guy and his behaviour and not condone it.

This is a really tough one OP. I also understand yourself, not wanting to be together with someone smoking weed all the time. I wouldn't want it because usually people change to apathic, annoying behaviour. But he doesn't seem to change to a lazy, annoying character when smoking weed all the time, you describe the opposite. So I don't know what's the real problem except you starting smoking too again?

Anyway, I don't think it's only the weed, it's also his disability although you don't want to admit it. You said in the beginning you are an active person and he could not take part in your hobbies. But then there are many loving couples who have very different hobbies, who don't do much together hobbiewise but still want to be together.

I think the decision to leave him is the right decision because I think you just don't really love him. Or better to say: you just don't love him enough to accept the challenges or work on them.

Emme · 18-07-2019 9:55am

tara73 wrote: »

I see it differently from the majority here, I can't see anything manipulative in his behaviour or words and so I can't see the many red flags either. Honestly, don't know where they should be apart from his weed smoking where there's this absolutely devastating reason for it as poster Aye Bosun explained especially well and there's his disability if you want to call it a red flag..

With his sentence: "Don't let my pain, which is already ruining my life, ruin our beautiful beginning together" for me, he is just expressing his fear and is actually a desperate plea. If he would say: you ruin our relationship because you can't cope with my pain, that would be manipulative and blackmailing for me.

I don't know, I really feel for this poor guy, he surely likes you a lot and his chances of meeting someone like you are probably very very slim and for sure he knows this and that's why he's desperate to lose you, 'lovebombing' you if you want to call it like this or sending you texts all the time. Being so intense. Regarding the horrible situation he's in, I can only understand this guy and his behaviour and not condone it.

This is a really tough one OP. I also understand yourself, not wanting to be together with someone smoking weed all the time. I wouldn't want it because usually people change to apathic, annoying behaviour. But he doesn't seem to change to a lazy, annoying character when smoking weed all the time, you describe the opposite. So I don't know what's the real problem except you starting smoking too again?

Anyway, I don't think it's only the weed, it's also his disability although you don't want to admit it. You said in the beginning you are an active person and he could not take part in your hobbies. But then there are many loving couples who have very different hobbies, who don't do much together hobbiewise but still want to be together.

I think the decision to leave him is the right decision because I think you just don't really love him. Or better to say: you just don't love him enough to accept the challenges or work on them.

This guy attempted suicide in the past so this would indicate a history of mental illness. There is nothing wrong with that, many people get over this and move on with their lives. However the OP has a background that might predispose her to "rescuing" vulnerable people and trying to help them change for the better. I don't think this guy would be good for her and she realises it too, that is why she finished with him.

The OP has a right to express her concerns and finish with him if she is not comfortable with the relationship. She does not have to feel guilty about not wanting to take on the challenges of any relationship she is not happy with.

It is not up to the OP to save this guy.

Like I said earlier, counselling might help her come to terms with some of what happened in her childhood and help her understand why she might want to rescue people. It comes across very strongly to me that this guy is looking for a rescuer.

LegacyUser · 18-07-2019 9:58am

tara73 wrote: »

Or better to say: you just don't love him enough to accept the challenges or work on them.

She shouldn't have to accept any challenges. Him being in a wheelchair is completely irrelevant (whether you feel sorry for him or not). The fact that he tried to kill himself is the bigger issue, especially when the OP has history with that in her own family. It would make for a poor dynamic.

Honestly, relationships don't actually have to be hard work - in the early stages and seeing things one doesn't like, gut is saying to end it, then one ends it. She shouldn't have to martyr herself just because he's paralysed, ditto ignoring behaviour she's not comfortable with just because he's in a wheelchair. If he was able bodied, there would be no "poor guy, give him a chance".

She's best off out of it and not meeting him again.

tara73 · 18-07-2019 8:00pm

Emme wrote: »

This guy attempted suicide in the past so this would indicate a history of mental illness. There is nothing wrong with that, many people get over this and move on with their lives. However the OP has a background that might predispose her to "rescuing" vulnerable people and trying to help them change for the better. I don't think this guy would be good for her and she realises it too, that is why she finished with him.

The OP has a right to express her concerns and finish with him if she is not comfortable with the relationship. She does not have to feel guilty about not wanting to take on the challenges of any relationship she is not happy with.

It is not up to the OP to save this guy.

Like I said earlier, counselling might help her come to terms with some of what happened in her childhood and help her understand why she might want to rescue people. It comes across very strongly to me that this guy is looking for a rescuer.

I don't know what this response has to do with my post. and to the stuff in bold, nowhere in my post did I say she has to feel guilty or has not a right to do whatever feels right for her!

tara73 · 18-07-2019 8:04pm

cantlogintothis wrote: »

She shouldn't have to accept any challenges. Him being in a wheelchair is completely irrelevant (whether you feel sorry for him or not). The fact that he tried to kill himself is the bigger issue, especially when the OP has history with that in her own family. It would make for a poor dynamic.

Honestly, relationships don't actually have to be hard work - in the early stages and seeing things one doesn't like, gut is saying to end it, then one ends it. She shouldn't have to martyr herself just because he's paralysed, ditto ignoring behaviour she's not comfortable with just because he's in a wheelchair. If he was able bodied, there would be no "poor guy, give him a chance".

She's best off out of it and not meeting him again.

again, nowhere did I say she has to do this things, I really don't appreciate people putting words in my mouth!

Dating a disabled person

Comments