Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Sex is not on fire

Options
  • 18-12-2008 12:23am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello!!

    Goin unreg on this coz I'm scarleh O Hara bout it!!

    Me & hubby, married 3 years, together 6...Great couple..Very happy, playful, Love each other to bits.. BUT? Well, um, sex is not happening..

    Last time we made love was 3 months ago, and we most likely won't have another tumble for another 3 months to come..and the sex is nothing like what it was before anyway

    We lost the 'rabbit' sides of ourselves after 1.5 years acutally, so for us to have a decent regular sex life we would have to actually make it a point / schedule time for it which is very anti-sex really..

    It has just become awkward, to say the least.. I have the stronger drive so I'm really quite frustrated, it doesn't bother my hubby at all...

    We've both gained a lot of weight since we married.. I've started loosing mine & really working on improving myself physically & health wise.. Not just for sex or for my fella, for myself but anyway, that's just a bit of insight..could the weight gain between us affect things to this extent... then again, it started to die before the post marriage weight gain

    It makes me quite anxious & sad, not to mention frustrated.. It's now an embarrassing topic for us...

    Any thoughts guys & gals? Appreciate it in advance


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Dean820
    Registered Users Posts: 2,099 ✭✭✭Dean820


    You're not alone. I'd imagine most couples go through a stage like this at least once when they're together for years. My advice would to be book a weekend away and just have some fun. If that doesn't work, just talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.

    You say he's not bothered? Trust me, he's a man. He is. If he's not, I would be worried if I were you.


  • Options
    #3
    Nothingcompares
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,923 ✭✭✭Nothingcompares


    just go for him one night no holds barred. if it doesn't happen seek professional help.


  • Options
    #4
    Pol Pot
    Closed Accounts Posts: 48 ✭Pol Pot


    Scarleh wrote: »
    Hello!!
    so for us to have a decent regular sex life we would have to actually make it a point / schedule time for it which is very anti-sex really..

    not sure why schedule for sex is wrong...some of the most successful couples Pol Pot knows have "our" time - a regular prearranged night where they are staying in together - alone.

    with busy lives sometimes such intervention is required.


  • Options
    #5
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    So you were together for 18 months sex included, then follows 18 months of non existent sex, and then you marry him???

    Why? Just.... why? Why would you marry someone with such a bit dent in the relationship?

    Tbh, i'm not sure if you're even entitled to bring this up with him now, 4.5 years later!!

    Lack of sex was obviously good enough for you (and him) then, so why do you get to change the rules now?


  • Options
    #6
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,095 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Dean820 wrote: »
    You're not alone. I'd imagine most couples go through a stage like this at least once when they're together for years.
    Pretty much. After the initial madness dies down, if you're lucky and put in the effort then you'll end up on the same page as far as sexual needs are concerned.
    You say he's not bothered? Trust me, he's a man. He is. If he's not, I would be worried if I were you.
    Common idea that men are the more sexual. From what I've heard over the years its just as often the man who loses the mojo in a long termer. He may actually not be bothered, or not as bothered as she.

    I would say the weight gain is more a symptom of complacency than a cause of the sexual famine. Though if he's unfit, then doin the mambo may be too much like hard work. Being very unfit and very overweight will drop the male hormones too.

    The complacency would be the worry. There's no challenge left. What's the rest of the relationship like?

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,095 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    So you were together for 18 months sex included, then follows 18 months of non existent sex, and then you marry him???

    Why? Just.... why? Why would you marry someone with such a bit dent in the relationship?
    Because sex isn't the be all and end all in a good long term relationship. Intimacy is. Yes lack of physical sex can be a symptom of an underlying issue, but if everything else is good, particularly if they're intimate as people without sex, actual sweat flyin about the place sex can easily get left behind over time, or relegated to second place.
    Tbh, i'm not sure if you're even entitled to bring this up with him now, 4.5 years later!!
    Course she is. It's not like there's a expired warranty involved.
    Lack of sex was obviously good enough for you (and him) then, so why do you get to change the rules now?
    From what I can gather both got complacent, got "fat" both physically and emotionally and they did that in sync with each other. She's put the brakes on that now, is getting fitter, feeling better about herself and the dormant sexual side of her nature is coming back. He hasn't and now they're out of sync. That's why it's come up now. IMHO being in sync is the important bit in any relationship. If two people are happy with a shaggette once a month, or another couple needs once a day, then cool. We're not trying to score performance. The problem only comes if there is disparity.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Options
    #8
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    Common idea that men are the more sexual. From what I've heard over the years its just as often the man who loses the mojo in a long termer. He may actually not be bothered, or not as bothered as she.

    Amen to that,you read so many times in PI and problem pages about fellas goin off it leavin the girl pi$$ed off !!!! Believe me!!!
    The complacency would be the worry. There's no challenge left.

    Uh huh! Yep!!! Complacency is enemy number one when it comes to gettin your daily allowance!

    Who would choose pies over gettin it....dont do it! ;)

    Every day is an audition! yeh there are gonna be complications in life that try to get in the way of your sex life but you have to prioritise sex and be crafty in getting around impediments like tiredness, having to visit people, going to the freakin supermarket and all that shyte!

    You hear people saying all the time "sex is not the be-all and end-all" etc

    I often feel like sayin to those people "speak for yourself" -it is the be-all and end-all to some people and there is nothing wrong with that.

    If you want more sex and better quality sex, communicate that to your partner and dont leave them living in a make believe world of "everything is all right nice and cosy" -when its not!


  • Options
    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    So you were together for 18 months sex included, then follows 18 months of non existent sex, and then you marry him???

    Why? Just.... why? Why would you marry someone with such a bit dent in the relationship?

    Tbh, i'm not sure if you're even entitled to bring this up with him now, 4.5 years later!!

    Lack of sex was obviously good enough for you (and him) then, so why do you get to change the rules now?

    I second Wibbs

    Magic Marker...I'm stunned, I find that amazingly critical & unhelpful...

    For a start, I married a gem of a man, he is my rock & I love him dearly. He is my friend, I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him and I am very proud to be his wife...I never questioned marrying him because he's the one for me & I would not have let a man like him go just because our sex life was suffering.
    The sexual act is a part of our relationship, we do not base the strength of our marriage on it..

    Sex is not non-exsistant, we do make love, just not often & not like before... You seem to have glanced at my op and landed yourself on your keyboard to tell me what's for.. why would you do that?

    And who said anything about 'rules'? How am I changing rules? I don't live by rules as a matter of fact.. and we have spoken about it a lot in our relationship, I haven't been carrying a silent burden to suddenly bring this up, as I said it's embarrassing for us to talk about, well more so for him...

    Magic Marker...that's just nasty & unhelpful.. I could just slap you're virtual ass!!

    Anyway, posters.. I think the weekend away & 'our time' suggestions may be the way to go... I have done that, but have always been real anxious about it & shy in my approach because I guess I've been worried about putting him under pressure..

    I think I should just relax a bit and make my effort less worrisome about the outcome & more about "me" loving him

    I am really getting my own mojo back, and I know it can only benefit our relationship..


  • Options
    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP: it doesn't have to be weekend away. Even going out for a walk, to a cinema or dinner could help. Maybe you're both too stressed about your sexlife and it also affects your relationship? Try to relax together, maybe a bath or cuddle on the couch or maybe cook a dinner together? Or find a hobby you could pursue together? It doesn't have to lead to sex but should rise your intimacy and maybe get the sparkle back into your marriage.


  • Options
    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, it may sound silly but it's a fact that the more sex you have the more you want, so, as someone else suggested, go all in one night, just let loose, destress and sh*g his brains out, then do it again a couple of nights later, soon it will start becoming more regular. I think sex can become more difficult when you're overweight because subconsciously you feel less attractive, but this applies to men just as much as women so remember if you still find him attractive now that he's put on a bit of weight, then he feels exactly the same about you, and make him feel sexy because maybe that's all he needs.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Scarleh wrote: »
    I second Wibbs

    Magic Marker...I'm stunned, I find that amazingly critical & unhelpful...

    For a start, I married a gem of a man, he is my rock & I love him dearly. He is my friend, I married him because I wanted to spend my life with him and I am very proud to be his wife...I never questioned marrying him because he's the one for me & I would not have let a man like him go just because our sex life was suffering.
    The sexual act is a part of our relationship, we do not base the strength of our marriage on it..

    Sex is not non-exsistant, we do make love, just not often & not like before... You seem to have glanced at my op and landed yourself on your keyboard to tell me what's for.. why would you do that?

    And who said anything about 'rules'? How am I changing rules? I don't live by rules as a matter of fact.. and we have spoken about it a lot in our relationship, I haven't been carrying a silent burden to suddenly bring this up, as I said it's embarrassing for us to talk about, well more so for him...

    Magic Marker...that's just nasty & unhelpful.. I could just slap you're virtual ass!!

    I just can't understand why someone would agree to marry someone else when there's such a massive flaw in the relationship. Yes, it's great that you love him, it's great that he's a gem of a man, but something as intricate as sex can be a major factor in how a relationship pans out. As wibbs said, it's fine if both parties are singing from the same hymn sheet, but when you start playing different tunes things get complicated. I think it's naive for a couple to jump into a marriage when it's highly likely that something like this would raise it's ugly head in the future, something like this really should have been addressed before hand.

    You say yourself that it makes you feel 'sad', 'anxious' and 'frustrated'. It started happening before any post marriage weight gain and you've always had the stronger drive, so that's obviously not the reason. Which means that you've been feeling 'sad', 'anxious' and 'frustrated' for the past 4 and a half years? Of course that means you never were on a level playing field to start with.

    It seems to me that you're just friends, friends who happen to be married who have sex a couple of times a year to validate that marriage. The fact that after 6 years together you can't talk about this without getting embarrassed also says a lot about your marriage.

    Sorry if you find any of this offensive or nasty, that's not my intention. These are just my observations, if you want more sex, fair enough, you're entitled to that, but I think you're going to have to face issues that have been plainly ignored for 4 and a half years, and IMO I don't think it's going to be a simple case of trying harder or weekends away, I think there are issues there that go deeper than that of a lessened sex drive.

    IMO, a low sex drive means sex every few weeks, not every 6 months! That's not a low sex drive, that's a serious issue! Speaking as a man (who doesn't have a particularly high sex drive anyway), and a human being, if I didn't want to have sex with the person I love, with my wife who I've dedicated my life to, for 6 months at a time, then it wouldn't be because I don't feel frisky enough! I won't speculate on what that issue(s) could be, you can all use your imagination.


  • Options
    #13
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,095 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Funny enough I agree with many of MM's points. Good post. You do need to sit down and try to figure out where you go from here with this issue.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Options
    #14
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    hes gottin married and hes not being kept on his toes any more the old im amrried now and im sorted for life.... sorta thing...they've booth put on some weight which can cause a lull in sex drives...

    what i would say is start a healthy diet for booth of you get your whip out, you sound like youve got the spark OP just lacking the lighter fluid. really corney)Exercise, healthy eating, activitys togeather not watching the square box in the corner.


  • Options
    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok Magic Marker... thanks for at least responding & elaborating your point.. I just found your first post rather aggressive.

    I dunno guys, we did talk about it yesterday & I suggested we make the effort for each other..We've agreed to choose particular days & keep the promise.. I can only see where we go from here..

    Thank You all x


  • Options
    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Something similar happened to me and hubby and my friend gave me some advice.
    Blowjobs
    Men can never turn one down
    Leads to lovemaking
    Even in itself it will raise his libido


Advertisement