Follow your head or your heart?

LegacyUser · 18-12-2008 7:33pm #1

My girlfriend of several years and I broke up six months ago, mainly because she wanted to get married and I didn't. We still love each other very much, and I have been really depressed since it happened.

Since then she has a new boyfriend, who she is already planning to marry. I know for a fact that she doesn't love him at all, and that she just wants to push me to do something! Another thing is that her father is very sick and may die soon, and he is putting massive pressure on her to get married before that happens. I also have had another girlfriend for a couple of months since we broke up, but that ended as I was still too hung up on the other girl.

She keeps asking me to propose to her, and I keep telling her that I need more time to think about it. On one hand I love her so much, she is definite marriage material, beautiful, intelligent, and so good to me and good for me, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't take being without her any more. On the other hand I'm just not in a position to get married, I feel too young (I'm 24), I have no money whatsoever, and more selfishly, as we have been together since we were teenagers I feel a need to experiment with other girls.

If I let her go I really feel like it may break the both of us. It's been six months already, why isn't it getting any easier??? I really feel like my brain has decided one way and my heart the other. Which should I follow?

charliecon · 18-12-2008 7:44pm

Go with the brain on this one - 24 is way too young to be tying yourself down for life. Btw your ex girlfriend seems like a silly little immature girl if what your saying is true

Captain Ginger · 18-12-2008 7:51pm

Can you not have a prolonged engagement or something and get married when you're in a better position?

Beruthiel · 18-12-2008 7:54pm

She's planning to marry the bloke she's seeing now but want's you to propose?!
She's messing with your head.
I'd understand if you were 34 instead of 24. You have loads of time before you go down that road.
Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
Do not feel pressured into this, you will regret it.

Another thing is that her father is very sick and may die soon, and he is putting massive pressure on her to get married before that happens

That is very selfish of him.

If I let her go I really feel like it may break the both of us. It's been six months already, why isn't it getting any easier???

Because you are still in contact with her. It only gets easier once that is cut out completely and you move on.

I really feel like my brain has decided one way and my heart the other. Which should I follow?

Neither.
Go with your gut instinct, it never lets you down if you're listening properly.

Aurora Borealis · 18-12-2008 8:44pm

I tend to follow my heart but it has landed me in much trouble but still I reckon it's the way to go in general because at least you're being true to yourself and your feelings if you do.

There are a few things about the situation you describe that don't sit well with me. She is engaged to marry someone else but still asking you to propose. I understand being with someone and still having feelings for an ex, been there in all it's headwrecking glory but to actually tell someone you love them or will marry them and all that entails and still be engaging in such conversations with another is way out of order and would make me wonder whether it is you at all that is important to her or just a ring. Think long and hard about it if you think it's the latter. If it is then I would think that your initial decision should still hold true.

MagicMarker · 18-12-2008 8:51pm

To put it bluntly, your ex is an idiot. You're better off without. The only reason you're not getting over her is because she's still there pestering you.

My advice is to cut contact COMPLETELY. By all means tell her your reasons for doing so like you have said in your post, but then just never contact her again, change your number if you have to.

19-12-2008 12:00am

I would usually say follow your heart, but you cannot marry this girl, you need to want to marry her, it's very very clear what will happen if you do this. A few years down the road, you will resent her big time for pressurising you into this decision, and she will always have it in the back of her head that you didn't want to marry her and will throw it back in your face. This will not be a happy marriage.

Let her make her stupid mistake, she sounds like an awfully selfish person if she would allow someone to take her up the aisle having begged another man to marry her.

jimmycrackcorm · 19-12-2008 1:31am

charliecon wrote: »

Go with the brain on this one - 24 is way too young to be tying yourself down for life.

Why? Will 25 or 26 be ok - or is some other arbitrary age appropriate?
Even if you get married at 40 - you could still end up tying up half your life.

It's not how many years or how young you get married, it's what you make of those years that counts. You can easily waste your single years.

charliecon · 19-12-2008 2:39am

24 is too young because the op says he feels it is plus he wants to experiment with other girls . Its a pretty well established fact that the rate of marriage breakdown is much higher amongst those who marry young as against those who have a bit more maturity. Why don't you try and offer him some helpful advice yourself Jimmy instead of criticizing my opinion.

SpookyDoll · 19-12-2008 3:11pm

You are 24 !!!!!!!!!!!!

I am shocked, what at 24 years of age are you doing wasting yout time worrying about this rubbish?

You should be out enjoying yourself, travelling, partying, having a laugh with your mates and all the good stuff people do in their 20's.
You only get one youth, make sure you squeeze every last drop out of it before you get dragged into servitude!!!

Your ex is a thick. run, run a mile from her. She is just one of those psycho types who wants to be married, doesn't really matter who to. Dont get involved with that game.

BroomBurner · 19-12-2008 3:24pm

What has his age got to do with it? I'm tired of seeing "Oh, you're 24, you're so young, live your life, blah blah blah". There is no set pattern that everyone has to live their life by and "achieve" things by. FFS.

OP, you broke up for a reason. Just remember that reason and stick with it. If your ex is already planning on marrying then it sounds like she's not seeing the wood for the trees and that is possibly down to the pressure she is coming under to marry (either from herself or from her father).

jellie · 19-12-2008 3:34pm

I was thinking maybe the girl had a point until i got to the end & saw your age.

what age is she? do you know WHY she wants to get married so early? (other than the father wanting it issue which id be wondering if shes just made up as a bit of extra pressure for you)

the games would imply to me shes not mature enough to be in an adult relationship, nevermind marriage.

im 24 & have no desire to get married for a few years yet! think id actually freak out a little if i was proposed to.

Follow your head or your heart?

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