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What to do about my sleazy exhusband.

  • 18-12-2008 12:09pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I don't know where to start with this so will just come out as there is no nice way to say this as it's not nice.
    I'm separated some years now and I have tried to get on with my ex husband, I left him, took myself and my child out of the marriage because of his drinking, I just couldn't be with him anymore it was wearing me down.

    But this is the part that is makes me want to puke, everytime he sees me he passes some kind of sleazy remark e.g. 'why didn't you wear clothes like that when we were together, I'd like to see less of the clothes and more of the flesh'.
    Then there was time when I was stuck for money (he doesn't pay me any maintenance for my child) to pay the doctor for my child, I asked him would he loan me some and he said 'only if you make it worth my while' telling me what he wanted me to wear etc.
    I told him I was not that desperate for the money and that it was only a loan.
    It's getting to the stage now where I don't want to face him as I feel as if he is undressing me with his eyes with the stupid filthy expression on his face.
    But I have to for my child's sake let on that everything is okay.
    There is no way of avoiding seeing him, as I cannot tell my family, I only have a brother and he would damage my ex severely if he knew this.
    Any suggestions to get him to stop his remarks? as it is really getting to me now :(


Comments

  • #2
    RedXIV
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,470 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Tell him you'll remove his rights to custody if he doesn't get in shape. Delivered sharply and with a no nonsense tone is usually all it takes to get guys to cop on but use the fact that he's "not providing a suitable environment" for his kids against him and tell him to clean up his act or thats it.


  • #3
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Have you mentioned this to him at all?


  • #4
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    But I have to for my child's sake let on that everything is okay.

    Hey, dont mince your words with this pr1ck thinking you are protecting your child. If the child see's him acting this way and you ignoring it, it will send the message to the child that this is ok.

    Its not ok. Its very far from ok.

    Next time he says something, excuse yourselves from the prescence of the child and read him the riot act. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you're not taking his ridiculous and pathetic advances/remarks.

    If he doesn't stop then have a word with your brother, speak to your brother in advance and explain that you will NOT tolerate any violence but ask him could he have a word with the ex man to man.

    Dont suffer in silence, by doing so you are allowing him to abuse you, you do have choices.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Have you mentioned this to him at all?
    I have yes, firstly he said 'he didn't mean it that way' then next he 'laughed it off said it was a joke!'


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    SpookyDoll wrote: »
    Hey, dont mince your words with this pr1ck thinking you are protecting your child. If the child see's him acting this way and you ignoring it, it will send the message to the child that this is ok.

    Its not ok. Its very far from ok.

    Next time he says something, excuse yourselves from the prescence of the child and read him the riot act. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you're not taking his ridiculous and pathetic advances/remarks.

    If he doesn't stop then have a word with your brother, speak to your brother in advance and explain that you will NOT tolerate any violence but ask him could he have a word with the ex man to man.

    Dont suffer in silence, by doing so you are allowing him to abuse you, you do have choices.

    Hey thanks, your right I have suffered in silence for far too long, that's another reason I left him. He has never said anything like this infront of my child, he would wait til our child went off to get a toy or to the kitchen then he would have his say.
    I honestly couldn't tell my brother about what's been said as my brother has already beat him up years ago over another incident, and I know my brother wont stop this time til he was in need of hospital care.
    I love my brother dearly he's all I have left and do not want him going to prison over my ex.
    My ex is devious and this is why I'm nervous about confronting him, but I suppose if I don't, it won't go away.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, my exHusband also ruined our marriage by drinking. I went to a counsellor and was advised to remember that ex had a very manipulative(sp?) personality.
    Sounds like your ex is similar...he is still manipulating you after all this time and is getting a kick out of it.
    When my ex said that sort of stuff to me I told him via email that I was not going to tolerate it anymore..then I kept the email.
    I have never stopped his access to his kids,but as they are getting older they have become wiser to him and my older lad is now a man and at well over 6foot has told his Dad that he is to speak with respect to me or he will no longer see him.
    Ex does not get in the hallway if he is disrespecting me when he is collecting kids.
    It took him a while to grasp the concept that I am no longer his object to abuse verbally with his comments.Thing to remember is that it IS abuse to do what your ex is doing. He will keep dishing it up as long as you take it off him.
    If you feel he could get scarey (I say this as a lot of drinkers can be) then maybe try the email route and if it continues then maybe a solicitor's letter might do the trick.
    Hope things get better for you.


  • #8
    not yet
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,008 ✭✭✭not yet


    SpookyDoll wrote: »
    Hey, dont mince your words with this pr1ck thinking you are protecting your child. If the child see's him acting this way and you ignoring it, it will send the message to the child that this is ok.

    Its not ok. Its very far from ok.

    Next time he says something, excuse yourselves from the prescence of the child and read him the riot act. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you're not taking his ridiculous and pathetic advances/remarks.

    If he doesn't stop then have a word with your brother, speak to your brother in advance and explain that you will NOT tolerate any violence but ask him could he have a word with the ex man to man.

    Dont suffer in silence, by doing so you are allowing him to abuse you, you do have choices.

    All of the above....don't take this crap from him.

    Next time he makes a comment like that say something like..you coudn't satisfy me when we were married what makes you think you can now,or listen INSERT NAME if your dick was the size of your mouth you'd be fine.

    I know this is stooping to his level but..fire with fire nearly always works.


  • #9
    Pherekydes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,191 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    not yet wrote: »
    I know this is stooping to his level but...

    I would counsel against this approach.

    Avoid him where possible. If he pays no maintenance why are you allowing him access? If you must be present when he does have access stay out of his immediate presence and ignore any comments. Get a court order forcing him to pay his share of maintenance. Threaten him with getting it back-dated. Bring a male friend along when you have to meet him.

    Just some ideas.

    IMHO, I don't think your child should be exposed to that type of behaviour.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Pherekydes wrote: »
    If he pays no maintenance why are you allowing him access?
    because I'm a soft touch, I know he is up to his neck in debt and I don't see why he should have to pay to see his child.

    IMHO, I don't think your child should be exposed to that type of behaviour.
    My child is not exposed to that type of behaviour, as I did say my child is always away out of ear shot when he lets his snide remarks slide.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Hi, my exHusband also ruined our marriage by drinking. I went to a counsellor and was advised to remember that ex had a very manipulative(sp?) personality.
    Sounds like your ex is similar...he is still manipulating you after all this time and is getting a kick out of it.
    When my ex said that sort of stuff to me I told him via email that I was not going to tolerate it anymore..then I kept the email.
    I have never stopped his access to his kids,but as they are getting older they have become wiser to him and my older lad is now a man and at well over 6foot has told his Dad that he is to speak with respect to me or he will no longer see him.
    Ex does not get in the hallway if he is disrespecting me when he is collecting kids.
    It took him a while to grasp the concept that I am no longer his object to abuse verbally with his comments.Thing to remember is that it IS abuse to do what your ex is doing. He will keep dishing it up as long as you take it off him.
    If you feel he could get scarey (I say this as a lot of drinkers can be) then maybe try the email route and if it continues then maybe a solicitor's letter might do the trick.
    Hope things get better for you.

    Thanks and sorry to hear you have gone through this also.
    I can't use the email trick as he is not a PC person, but I do have some text's from him that maybe his mother or father would like to see ;) just a tip from someone who sent me a pm!!


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  • #12
    In$omniac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 174 ✭✭In$omniac


    Ok well this sounds very familar to me also, do you feel threatened by him? does he scare you in any way?

    I have dealt with this type of scum before they have to be related because their little personalities are so similar.
    I stood up to mine and when I did he nearly fell off the face of the earth with shock, because I never did before and he thought I never would. I told him exactly what I thought of him and told him to do his worst, he did not scare me in fact I tend to just laugh about him.
    Some may say this is riling his temper, but I was telling the truth and it worked and I walked away feeling like the world and all its Fkr's had been lifted from my shoulders.


  • #13
    SpookyDoll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 533 ✭✭✭SpookyDoll


    I stood up to mine and when I did he nearly fell off the face of the earth with shock, because I never did before and he thought I never would. I told him exactly what I thought of him and told him to do his worst, he did not scare me in fact I tend to just laugh about him.

    Good work!!!

    OP Dont be a soft touch any more, thats why he is playing with you.

    You've got to just verbally cut him down. Be as cruel as you like, he has no power over you other than what you hand him on a plate.


  • #14
    Pherekydes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,191 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    Unregistered wrote: »
    because I'm a soft touch, I know he is up to his neck in debt and I don't see why he should have to pay to see his child.

    This is the excuse trotted out by those who don't want to pay. And their soft-touch exes who allow it. He is not paying to see his child. He is contributing to the child's upkeep. He is a drain on your finances by not contributing, and by extension, society's. His debt is not your problem.


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Pherekydes wrote: »
    This is the excuse trotted out by those who don't want to pay. And their soft-touch exes who allow it. He is not paying to see his child. He is contributing to the child's upkeep. He is a drain on your finances by not contributing, and by extension, society's. His debt is not your problem.
    I know but just because he is not paying maintenance should I stop him seeing his child!!
    I do however agree on what you have said here, he is a drain on my finances by not contributing and maybe this is another area which I need to address. Thank you.


  • #16
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,269 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    No maintenance = no access afaic.


  • #17
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Pherekydes wrote: »
    I would counsel against this approach.

    Avoid him where possible. If he pays no maintenance why are you allowing him access? If you must be present when he does have access stay out of his immediate presence and ignore any comments. Get a court order forcing him to pay his share of maintenance. Threaten him with getting it back-dated. Bring a male friend along when you have to meet him.

    Just some ideas.

    IMHO, I don't think your child should be exposed to that type of behaviour.

    Maintenance and access are separate. You cant stop access because there is no maintenance. I dont think she can stop access if he is abusive to her, only if he is abusive to the child, but to abuse the parent in front of the child is tantamount to child abuse as it is considered parental alienation.

    In other words, if he is acting like a sleazy prick in private, then stopping access is not an option.


  • #18
    metrovelvet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I know but just because he is not paying maintenance should I stop him seeing his child!!
    I do however agree on what you have said here, he is a drain on my finances by not contributing and maybe this is another area which I need to address. Thank you.

    He is stealing from your child. THe maintenance that he should be paying is your child's property.


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    metrovelvet wrote: »
    Maintenance and access are separate. You cant stop access because there is no maintenance.
    Thank you that is the point I have been trying to make.[QUOTE} I dont think she can stop access if he is abusive to her, [/QUOTE] I have been advised I can, but only if it is physical abuse.[/QUOTE]


  • #20
    Lollipops23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    OP you didn't mention if your child is male or female, but; if it's a girl try to imagine someone saying such things to her when she's a bit older?how would that make you feel? and if it's a boy can you imagine if he grows up thinking this is an appropriate way to speak to women?i guarantee that if he acts like this around you he will act like that with others and sooner or later your child will witness it. best of luck, you don't need to take that crap from anyone.


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