Now ye're talking - to an au pair

artanevilla wrote: »

Is it common in Ireland to sign an NDA? Do you have many dirty secrets on families?

Hi, I've had quite a lot of friends in the aupair circles over the years, and I've never heard of anyone signing an NDA.

It's more of a common courtesy really. You live with the family, you get to see everything. You get to see the parents at their best and at their worst, you hear everything that's going on, you hear them gossiping about the neighbours, their jobs, their boss, so you would have quite a lot of material to hand if you ever wanted to get them in trouble.

However, what you have to remember is that it goes both ways and they get to see you at your worst as well.

Also you can't forget that aupairs rely on the host family, they usually don't have anywhere else to go, they usually won't have much money saved up, so you want to keep things in the house peaceful.

I remember there was one aupair who arrived to the family and about a week later it turned out that she was taking pictures of the house and was showing it to random people and to the neighbours to complain how messy the place is, of course the mom found out, turns out that the aupair was already doing this from her second day in the house.

The hostmom gave her money for a flight home, paid her for her time there, told her to pack her things and get out the same evening. So the aupair was gone, but the reputation of being the ones with the messy house stayed in the neighbourhood long after.

frag420 wrote: »

Are you free for a few hours Fri night?

Have a look on Facebook, lots of aupairs looking for babysitting opportunities

miamee wrote: »

Are you really made to feel part of the family or more like the hired help?

Have you had any bad experiences or outstandingly good experiences? A friend told me about a wealthy family he knew who, when their au pair was leaving, they gifted her the relatively new car that she had been driving the kids around in all the time - very generous!

I was in 7 families altogether, and I can honestly say that every single family made an effort so I can feel welcome.

There were a few occasions though when I was wondering if they realise that I am a human being and not an equipment. This was a problem in one family in particular. They were lovely and looked after me well, but sometimes the mom would call me downstairs in the evening when her friends were over. I think that the idea was to introduce me to them, but they way she said it "This is <name>, she's my aupair. I have an aupair now" made me feel like I'm just a new thing she got and she's showing me off.

Another thing that quite bothered me was when I wanted to be alone in my free time. I would go to my room and either read a book, or do something on the laptop. Sometimes the moms just assumed that I can help them with things, since I'm in the house and I'm not going out. I didn't mind it at the beginning, but when they made a habit out of it and asked me to mind the kids for two hours every Saturday afternoon while they go to the shop, it became quite annoying. I was basically working in my free time, for free. It bothered me and I was dying to tell them that it's my time off, but I used to be quite a chicken when it comes to standing up for myself, so I just went with whatever they wanted anyway.

I believe that if I told them that I don't like it, they would stop, or would only ask when absolutely necessary, because I was always very lucky with my families.

I know people who weren't that lucky though - there was an aupair a few houses up from me. She was from the same country and we had some shared interests, so we spent a lot of time together. She was an aupair for a single mom and her two kids. The mom was an alcoholic and very paranoid. The aupair wasn't allowed to close the door to her bedroom under any circumstances.

One night, at around 2am, the mom stormed into her room and started yelling at her, accusing her for stealing her diamond earrings. She took her passport and told her that she's not allowed to leave until she returns the earrings. I was contacting the guards on her behalf to ask for an advice and they told me she needs to report it immediately.

She got out in the end, she didn't report it to gardai, she just took her passport when the mother was passed out drunk on her couch and left. I remember sitting behind McDonald's, connected to their WiFi and trying to book a flight so she can get away.

Never heard of a family giving anyone a car, that's amazing! One of my families bought me a used laptop when my own laptop broke. They would also often pay for my flight home for Christmas. That's always nice.

pawrick wrote: »

A friend of mine worked as an au pair in Ireland when improving her English. On her last visit approx 12 years later she met up with the children of one host family which she had worked for as they had stayed in contact over all the years apart.

Do you find it difficult when it's time to move on to the next family? I imagine it's emotionally difficult where you have a bond with the children as they grow up and another possible down side of that bond could be jealousy from the parents?

While I always had a good relationship with the kids and parents, it was never too difficult for me to move on. I’m in touch with most of the families and visit them regularly. The last family I was with lives just around the corner from where I work now, so I often go there for a chat. The other families live in different towns, so it makes it more difficult to visit them, but I’m trying to see everyone at least once a year.

The girl from my first ever family added me on Facebook and Instagram recently - she was four when I was looking after her!

That said, there is one family where I really had trouble letting go. I came to their house when they had a little 1 year old girl. There wasn’t that much work in the house, so I really got to spend quality time with the family and with the little one. One month in the mom found out that she’s pregnant again, so I was with them through the whole pregnancy, through the move to a bigger house, I looked after their daughter when they rushed to the hospital to have the baby. Then they came back with a tiny little baby boy and I got to hold him and play with him for the first six months of his life. I really felt like part of the family here, like their equal, we always had something to talk about, they were personally responsible for my Doctor Who obsession. Then I went home for a week and when I came back, they told me that the dad got offered a fantastic job in Australia and that they are going to go there. I was heartbroken.

We’re still in touch and I got to see them when they were on holidays in Germany, I booked a flight to Frankfurt and spent a day with them. They’ve had another baby since then and the other two kids are already in school. I feel old.

Regarding jealousy, I never had a problem with that, but I know an aupair who was told that it’s time to leave, mostly because she was so ridiculously attached to the children. She became very possessive of them and the mom found it creepy as hell, especially when the kids started showing similar behaviors towards the aupair.

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Where are you from?
Is this your career choice or just a stepping stone? What do you want to do ultimately?

I’m Czech! It was a way to get away for me, so just a stepping stone.

I knew I want to go to Ireland, but just coming here was too scary. I decided to become an aupair because at least I had accommodation, food, and some low income sorted out. The plan was to be an aupair for 2 years and then finding a job. I got too comfortable though and stayed in the business for 5 years.

Then I got a job in a call centre and eventually landed a dream job in social media where I am now.

It was quite hard getting a job and a bank account sorted though, nobody warned me about that! As an aupair, I was getting cash, had prepay phone, had no bills in my name, etc. I couldn’t open a bank account without a proof of address, I didn’t have anything, I basically didn’t officially exist in the last five years.

Reati wrote: »

Practical and boring question. What's the day to day like? You talk about free time etc so what kind of hours or stuff do you have to do.

The only person I know with an aupair had her run off with my mates husband (talk about a stereotype) so it's not something I can ask her about!

Can’t believe that somebody actually knows an aupair who run off with someone’s husband! Impressive!

You just go with the family’s normal daily routine, so it’s usually something like:
In one family the mom would take the older kid to school, so I only took the nanny cam to my room and went back to sleep until the baby woke up. Then I would do the usual stuff you do when looking after a 1 year old – feeding, nappies, playing with her or reading her stories. Some mornings if the little one was awake, the mom would drop me to town with her and we’d go for a walk around town until the school was finished, then we all went home. There was some very light housework, like helping with the dishes, hanging laundry, hoovering the kitchen, etc.

Then there was a family where I would get up around 7 am, it was on a farm and they had four kids, all of them under the age of 5. The kids were very active and there was lots of work to do around the house (as you can imagine, there was grass and mud everywhere from running outside and chasing cows). One of the kids really didn’t like me and tried to get me into all sorts of trouble. I thought that I have it under control, but I admit I was outsmarted by a 3 year old when he casually walked into the sitting room, looked me dead in the eye, and started peeing all over the place, then told his mom that I was shouting at him and he was so scared that he peed himself. Despite all that I really liked it here, I had a really good relationship with the mom and always had a good banter with the dad, but farm life was not for me and I was out after 3 months.

In another family, that was the one that moved to Australia later, I think I was there pretty much just to keep the mom a company when she’s home alone with the baby. Obviously I did a few things around the house, but it was always on my own initiative, they wouldn’t ask me to clean anything up and when they saw me doing something, the thanks were endless. I would get up at around 9am and just hang out around the house, bake something with the mom (she was the BEST baker), or took the little baby out for a walk around town.

There was one family where I had to hoover and dust every single day, just so I’m not bored. That was annoying.
TL;DR – Depends on the number and age of the kids, but generally you get up when they’re getting up, help to get the older kids ready for school/get the babies changed, dressed and fed, and then just do the occasional housework around the house if you see that anything needs to be done, while making sure that the kids are still alive.

mistersifter wrote: »

how do holidays work? If the family head away for 2 weeks do you still get paid?

I know someone working as an au pair (not living with the family) and in general it's grand, but sometimes they go on holidays for a week, two weeks (even a month once) and only give a few days notice. Then the au pair doesnt get paid and is a week without salary. Seems a bit unfair to me and that they should pay her regardless since she is on hold for them.

Any experience here?

I usually got a good notice that they’re going on holidays, and I planned my own holidays around that. Some families took me with them and paid for my flights and a hotel. It was a win-win, they had an amazing opportunity to go to the bar every night while I stayed with the kids and I visited a new place. Plus they usually bought me a large pizza for the evening. Oh, and the hotel breakfasts were also worth my time. :cool:

One family left me at home for two weeks and paid me for the two weeks in advance. I think that there was one family that didn’t give me anything, but I don’t want to lie to you, I might not remember it correctly.
The live-in aupair has an advantage with this I think, because at least she doesn’t need to worry about paying rent and the family usually leaves a full fridge or food money for her.

I always thought of the live-out aupairs as freelancers, it’s much easier for the family to say “we don’t need you next week” and just leave, the aupair doesn’t live in their house, so they have no responsibilities towards her, while they have to accommodate and feed the live-in one.

For this reason I also believe that the live-out aupair should be paid much more, they carry a bigger risk of finding themselves without any income.

I personally never spoke to a live-out aupair, all my friends were live-in, and their holiday experiences were similar – they would just go home or travel somewhere while the family is gone.

Reati wrote: »

Get's worse. He got the aupair pregnant and F*cked off to another women. Think it says more about him!

Ouch! :eek:

Tell me how wrote: »

What was your expectation of Irish culture before you arrived?
Was this changed or reinforced once you lived with Irish families?

Speaking as an outsider (in this respect) do you find that Irish people behave in a consistent manner or was it different from one family to the next?

How would you describe Irish people (in general) to your family back home?

Nobody would get an aupair in Czech republic, and it’s widely believed there that only very rich people get aupairs in other countries. In my teen years South American telenovelas were very popular at home, and it was usually taking place in a mansion where they all had maids, servants, nannies, etc.

So my #1 expectation was that I am going to join a filthy rich family that lives in a mansion. I’m not even joking. Imagine the Kardashians. That’s what I was expecting.

Culture wise, I wasn’t expecting much of a difference. Apart from being very naïve about what I’m getting myself into, I was also very ignorant and just assumed everything works exactly the same in Ireland as it does in Czech republic, that people like the same things, eat the same things, and so on.

So by now you probably can guess that I was in for a shock when I arrived to a 5-bedroom house in the middle of nowhere, somewhere between Carlow and Laois.

Another shock was when I found out that countryside means something else Ireland than what it means in Czech republic. Back home, even if you’re in the countryside, you are in a walking distance from a town in 98% of the cases. Imagine my surprise when we were driving through fields for 10 minutes, not even on a proper road. It was nearly midnight, it was dark everywhere. For a while I was pretty sure that I am going to get murdered and was planning an escape plan in my head. Whenever I visit the family, they always remind me of that time thought their father, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, is a murderer and I’m his next victim.

What bothers me in Ireland is the public transport and healthcare. In Czech republic we have a mandatory health insurance, it’s deducted from your wages or paid by the state if you’re a student or unemployed. You go to a doctor for free. There are barely any waiting times. When I needed an MRI in Ireland, they told me that the average waiting times is 18 months, when I landed in A&E, the nurse told me that I’m lucky, that tonight the waiting time is only 6 hours. For comparison, last Christmas my grandmother tripped and fell on stairs. She broke her arm. We called an ambulance. An hour later she was already back home, after having an X-ray done, arm in a cast, pain managed. In Ireland I called an ambulance when an elderly person broke her leg, the ambulance took over an hour to arrive and the poor woman was left on a trolley in the hall in A&E, all night. It was outrageous to see what’s happening in here, and you guys have to pay extra for it.

The public transport is also very different, in Czech republic you can get nearly anywhere by train, and if there’s no train going there, you can take the bus. Every little village, anywhere in the country. In Ireland I wanted to go from Kilkenny to Cork and I need to travel to Dublin first, change buses and go to Cork. I’m used to it now, but god, am I angry sometimes about how complicated it is. And don’t even get me started on city buses
Whenever someone asks me about the locals, I’ll tell them the truth – that the Irish people are more friendly than Czech people, other than that I’d say that we are pretty similar. We have the same sense of humour and same values, more or less. You guys eat more takeaways and I got used to that very quickly. Now when I go home for a week and I have a midnight craving for a kebab, I have no way of getting it. It’s torture. Torture, I say!

xalot wrote: »

Thanks for doing this really interesting.

Myself and my husband are battling about this at the moment. My main concern is the language thing. What if there was an accident and the au pair couldn't communicate properly with emergency services etc.

Do you generally do first aid training yourself or would au pairs be willing to be trained (in your opinion)?

Did you go through an agency, are there any you would recommend?

What advice would you give someone for vetting an au pair?

Thanks, I’m glad you find it interesting! 😊

I understand that you would be concerned about the language barrier, and also making the choice and deciding for one person who you’ve only seen on Skype can be a lot of pressure and can cause anxiety. This person is there to look after your children after all, so you want to be sure that you made the right choice.

Maybe in your case you can try to find an aupair who is already in Ireland and is looking for a second family? That way you can meet with her and see how she interacts with children, you can see if you ‘click’ together, and can see what level her English is at. Another advantage here would be that you’d get to speak to their current hostfamily and you can get a picture of what the aupair is like.

There are many aupairs around who only want to stay with a family for a year, and after the year is up, they want to go somewhere else. Or maybe her hostfamily doesn’t need an aupair anymore, so she’s looking for someone new. I’d recommend finding a group for your town/county on Facebook, usually it’s something like ‘Dublin Au Pair’, ‘Au Pair Cork’, ‘Au pairs in Waterford’, etc., you get the idea. You can post there and see who would be interested. Remember that there’s no commitment until you actually offer the job to someone, so until that point you can always back out of the search.

I’m sure you can also find some groups specifically for hostparents, where you can ask about your concerns. I’m confident that every parent deciding for an aupair was worried about the very same things, so you can get an insight from someone who already went through that.

I didn’t go through an agency, there is a website called Aupairworld where I found my first two hostfamilies, I think that the families have to pay a small fee to get the contact details for the aupair they like. In my opinion though, since Facebook blew up, sites like that are not needed anymore, the only useful thing on them is the advanced search where you select your requirements and it will give you a list of suitable people.

Since I have no experience with agencies myself, I can’t recommend anyone, sorry. I only knew one aupair who came to Ireland through an agency, and the family always had an aupair for a few months and then the agency sent out a new one, they basically just sent a file, the family said yes, and the aupair arrived. I wouldn’t like that myself, I like talking to the family myself first, and having the choice of who I contact.

I’m sure the aupairs would be willing to be first aid trained, however most likely they would expect you to pay for the training. I’d say that not many of them are first aid trained, I do have a first-aid certificate myself and I remember that it was always a huge advantage for me, mostly because there weren’t that many aupairs who’d know first aid.

I had one hostmom who would properly interviewing me before she offered me the job, I remember questions like “you’re at home with my children, my daughter just banged her head and is crying, phone started ringing, somebody is knocking on the door, and my son is calling you from upstairs, what do you do, what do you prioritize?” Don’t be afraid to ask questions like that if it helps you with the decision.

My most important recommendation would be to follow your instinct. If someone doesn’t feel like the right match for you, don’t offer them the job, no matter what amazing references or experience they have. I helped one of my hostmoms to find a new aupair when I was leaving, we found a girl from Spain who works as a dance teacher, studied child psychology, and had amazing recommendations. When we had a skype call with her, she answered the phone while walking to the beach. It gave us a really bad impression that she didn’t even bother to sit down for her interview, especially since it was the first time she got to talk to the kids. She got the job in the end, purely because of her experience with children. She lasted about a week and half before the mom kicked her out. This aupair would cook lunch for herself and not for the children (aged 3, 8 and 10, so it’s not like they are old enough to make something for themselves), was very loud and didn’t even try to be quiet when everyone in the house was sleeping, was complaining about everything all the time… go with your gut instinct, trust it because it’s usually right. 😊

Tell me how wrote: »

Were you Garda vetted before starting as an au pair?

I just remembered that I forgot to answer this question in your post, sorry!

I wasn't Garda Vetted and I don't think that many aupairs are. They'd be in most cases coming from another country, so I suppose you can ask them to get vetted there and to send you the document before offering them a job if you want to be extra sure, but I never heard of anyone asking for that.

Arrival wrote: »

I've no question, just wanted to say that I think you seem like such a lovely, wholesome person!

Thank you, always nice to hear (read)

Agent Smith wrote: »

Do you have a bedside locker?

Whats in your bedside locker?



Whats the oddest thing you've ever heard or seen in a Host families house?

I do have a bedside locker, and you're in luck, I only checked what's in it this morning!

I found tissues, new bags for sweets for Halloween, stick-on witch nails, purple hairspray, shoelaces, 3 dead pairs of earphones, my old phones, a Samsung charger, more shoelaces, tissues, tampons, and some papers full of doodles.

I attached a picture of the top of my bedside locker from 2010, when I was still an aupair. Back then I just knew that the picture will come in handy one day, the time is now!

I'll probably disappoint you (I'm quite disappointed myself to be honest), but I really can't remember hearing or seeing anything odd, or anything that I would find suspicious. I'll think about it on the bus today and if I'll post again if I remember. There must be something like.

EDIT: I'm going to be honest, I also found two dead moths and an old hazelnut, which I tried to eat.