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2 years into my first real relationship, I don't know if it's normal to be like this?

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    #32
    croquemonsieur
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭croquemonsieur


    HamSarris wrote: »
    He doesn’t sound like an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I get more a sense of comorbid aspergers & anxiety.

    All boyfriends have thoughts about how attractive their girlfriends are, whether they could do better/worse etc. But the vast majority have the common sense to keep these thoughts in their own head. It sounds like your boyfriend just tells you these random thoughts without any idea of how it could affect you emotionally. He seems naïve and clueless. Maybe he sees you as a therapist as well as a mother and feels he can tell you these random thoughts. I do not get the sense he’s making these comments as a way of emotional control, he seems to struggle enough to take control of his own life.

    He obviously meets certain needs for you and has positive traits. But if he keeps behaving this way you will grow to resent him. His indecisiveness and reassuring seeking will become a bigger issue in the long term. Any physical attraction will fade as you see him as increasingly submissive, long-term plans will get delayed for years because he can’t make up his mind.

    You’ll feel guilty for ending the relationship because you feel like his mother and are abandoning a helpless child. But it will be for the best for both of you in the long-term.

    Honestly you've nailed it. If he would even start getting help and take control of his life, I might have faith in this again. I really doubt he has Aspergers but his brother has it and is just a dick (I know he struggles but he is abusive to my BF and parents, spits on him, even chases my BF with a hammer sometimes or calls me a whore/whatever). The therapist he had a few online sessions with, suggested OCD as a diagnosis


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    #33
    screamer
    Registered Users Posts: 6,133 ✭✭✭screamer


    croquemonsieur wrote: »
    Honestly you've nailed it. If he would even start getting help and take control of his life, I might have faith in this again.

    I kinda take an approach to people that they are who they are, they can’t change and you won’t change them. If you’re happy to accept the way he is or think he can change then that’s your life and your decision. All I’ll tell you is, in reply to your first question, no this is not normal in a relationship. Up to you if that is something you can accept or not. Good luck with it.


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    #34
    croquemonsieur
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭croquemonsieur


    screamer wrote: »
    I kinda take an approach to people that they are who they are, they can’t change and you won’t change them. If you’re happy to accept the way he is or think he can change then that’s your life and your decision. All I’ll tell you is, in reply to your first question, no this is not normal in a relationship. Up to you if that is something you can accept or not. Good luck with it.

    Nope I'm not happy. I was but I think I've had enough. I'm just too cowardly to end it because I'll be lonely/will I ever do better, which is a really awful reason to stay. Sooner or later, I have to call it quits, be sad and lonely for a few months, but hope eventually I'll meet someone else, whether that be a year or 5 from now.


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    #35
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Sharing each others passwords and phones isnt a sign of a healthy relationship, if anything it shows major trust and control issues which is only confirmed by the rest of your post.
    Regardless of your boyfriends anxiety issues he has no right to belittle you or make you feel bad about yourself, he also has no right to use you as a sounding board for his own issues. He needs to seek counselling for that, no doubt your college will have a free health service and provides free counselling to students. You might want to suggest he avail of these services the next time he starts to unload onto you. I would also suggest that you seek counselling too as this relationship is obscuring your view of yourself and your view of what a healthy relationship should be like.
    For a start really sounds like there are no boundaries in your relationship whatsoever, besides sharing passwords he pressures you into doing sexual activities youre not comfortable with.
    He compares you to other women and openly admits this.. have a think about why he might do this! To me it sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself.
    After putting you down he uses his anxiety as an excuse, this is called gaslighting.

    What youve described throughout your post are covert signs of abuse, theyre subtle at first but over time they destroy your self esteem, your relationships with other people and your mental health. This can escalate to full on controlling, abusive and even violent behaviour. It could go onto him saying he dislikes certain friends of yours and doesnt want you hanging out with them. He might pick on certain behaviours he doesnt like in your friends and overtime turn you against certain people youre close to or subtly control what you eat or wear. You wont even be aware that it's happening.

    My only advise to you is to get out of this relationship before it escalates any further. Your mental health is your number one priority that comes before anyone or anything.


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    #36
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    The fact that you've already mentioned several times in this thread that you want to meet someone else suggests to me you are more over this relationship than your admitting to yourself. The only thing keeping you in it is the guilt you imagine you'll feel.

    Not to be flippant, I'm well aware how consuming young love is but I suspect that when you do end it you'll be surprised how quickly you both move on. You've got this idea in your head that this is an epic love story coming to a tragic end. When you've been around the block a bit more you'll realise this is just a run of the mill dysfunctional dalliance that's passed its sell by date.


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    #37
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    HamSarris wrote: »
    He doesn’t sound like an emotionally abusive boyfriend, I get more a sense of comorbid aspergers & anxiety.

    Regardless of his comorbidities or excuses as to why he says/does certain things, the OP is experiencing it as abuse, as anybody would.


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    #38
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,376 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    It's important to understand that abuse does not have a context, it is abuse, having issues is not an excuse, saying its immaturity is not an excuse, saying deep down his is a nice guy is not an an excuse, its abuse.


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    #39
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,376 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Also, all BF does not have thoughts about could they do better or worse that is immaturity and an indication of self-esteem issues.


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    #40
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Yeah no intent doesn’t come into it. Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks to themselves, “I think I’m gonna abuse my OH today...” Everyone has an excuse but abusive behaviour is still abusive behaviour.

    The reality is if this person is medically unable to have a relationship without resorting to abusive behaviour, they need to either remain single until such a time as they can, and receive treatment if they’re unable to help themselves. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to put up with the behaviour, diagnose why it’s happening, try ‘cure’ their partner or anything of the sort and it’s unhelpful to rationalise. It’s her partner’s job to deal with his issues if he wants to be in a healthy relationship and he can’t feel hard done by if he doesn’t do that and ends up alone.


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    #41
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,958 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Thread closed as per OPs request.

    Thanks to all who offered help and advice.

    HS


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