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How to tell future dating partners about HPV?

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  • 15-07-2020 1:17am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi everyone,

    Gay male in my 30s. I was diagnosed with HPV a while back and went back for another treatment and I'm hoping that will be the last one. I've been feeling so depressed lately just thinking of how to tell future partners I have HPV. I feel quite dirty after having contracting it and have been feeling quite lonely.

    Any advice would be appreciated


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    #2
    L1011
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 67,697 Mod ✭✭✭✭L1011


    The vast majority of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their life. Vaccination was only introduced about a decade and a half ago and initially only for girls. Not everyone ends up with obvious external signs (warts, generally) and most peoples immune systems are able to clear it in time.

    Treatment for external signs only removes them, it doesn't kill HPV if your immune system is unable to clear it.

    The strong likelyhood is any future partner is going to have had it at some point already, even if unaware. Its up to you to decide if there's anything to bother telling. If you are getting HPV testing from whoever is providing the treatments (I'm not aware if testing is available for men, but its not something I've looked at recently) and it comes back clear its about as irrelevant as whether you had chickenpox as a kid anyway.


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    #3
    Tig98
    Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    Over a year into a relationship my exboyfriend developed warts and he disclosed that he had them a few months prior to us meeting and got treatment for it. I was pretty hurt because I thought he had knowingly infected me, so I booked an appointment at the gum clinic to see what they could advise. Had the routine testing done and was talking to a lovely doctor who really put me at ease.

    She said that you should presume everyone you sleep with has it because it's just that common, and most of us will pick it up at some point. The virus can sit dormant in your system for years and only strike when your immune system is weakened or in periods of high stress, which means its not an indicator of infidelity and even if I were to develop them now I couldn't say that my ex infected me when it could have been any of my previous sexual partners. The kinds of hpv that cause the warts are not the kinds that cause cancer and are treated as indications of your body being rundown and overworked. She said they advise people to presume everyone has it and assume they will pick it up in their lifetime, which underscores the need for a healthy lifestyle. Sorry for telling you things you already know, but I just want to share how good the woman's advice was.

    I haven't yet developed symptoms, but at this stage I definitely have it, if not from my ex then from someone before him. Knowing what I know, I haven't disclosed it, I don't see it as necessary. Even knowing how upset I felt when my ex said he knew he had hpv, that came from a place of not knowing anything about it. Realistically the person you're sleeping with either knows they have it or doesn't know that they have it.

    More recently I was talking to a fwb about routine check ups etc and mentioned how I probably have hpv and he told me he developed warts before and got them removed. So, my guess is it really is a lot more common than you think just most people don't discuss it. Definitely try wrap your head around it all and come to a place where you are happy and healthy overall, as to get worked up and stressed won't help. I do think it would be bad form to hook up with someone if you actually had symptoms, though. If it was me I would irrationally panic the second I noticed.


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    #4
    lbplhs79
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭lbplhs79


    You don't need to tell your partner anything.

    HPV and HSV are SSOOOO common there's a reason they are not included in the usual panel of sexual health tests. Normally doctors will only test for them when symptoms show up. Upwards of 90% of sexually active adults have HPV and/or HSV, but only a very small % show symptoms.

    The reason doctors do not test for it under regular sexual health screenings is because it's pointless, and it can have negative mental health impacts on those who identify asymptomatic infections.

    You are under no moral or ethical obligation to tell your partner …because your partner is almost guaranteed to have had it at some stage...or actively has it now.

    Just get the symptoms treated, and most importantly...educate yourself and your partner about HPV/HSV so you can both move forward more confident in your relationship together.


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