What di you think is going on in here, what are your honest thoughts?

Sophiex0 · 22-01-2020 6:33pm #1

Hello Everybody , so I have been working with my boyfriend on and off, helping him out in some of his work projects and he pays me, so he gave me his work laptop, not personal and I was working from there, so I remember I needed to search for a word meaning on google so I opened up mozilla and went to the google bar and when I began typing, his search history shows up and I can see that he typed the name of this woman he went out a couple of times with( nothing serious that is) they were just getting to know each other, but there was never a relationship between them.

They happened to have met in their work environment in 2017( Update: Sorry I just found out that they actually meet for the first time on August of 2016 and they added each other on Facebook ) he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was and that she had this great management job in a luxury building residential in the beach ( this is were they actually met my bf was one of the engineers working on the building maintenance at that time and she was like the project manager) so I started feeling a little insecure and jealous because he talked so highly about her, physically speaking that is yet he told me she was a diva and was always flirting with everybody and other negative aspects about her.

The times that he has mentioned this woman to me, he would always start with:” this girl is very pretty, she actually looks like a model, that all the women that lived in the building told her what an amazing coke bottle body she had, that all these rich man driving expensive cars where after her, sending her flowers, messages and so on and then he would start saying all her negative traits and why he did not like her anymore and that she was empty, was too much of a diva and that he did see her true colors.

He told me that he was very glad that god took her out of his way, nevertheless he still has her in facebook and for some reason he always mentions the building were she worked in, or thinks that some random person lives there, so he always ends up mentioning it. He does not know in any way shape or form that I am aware that he has her in facebook and that I know her name as well.

And now I found out he has searched for her on google on several occasions ( about some months ago and now recently) ,why would this be? Is he still intrigued by this girl after 2 years or he is somewhat still curious, aggravated about her and the fact that nothing happened between them.

Should I ask him about this? What can I do to understand the reason why he is searching for her. It does not even make sense because he has her facebook. I have a close friend that knows her ex bf and knows her as well and according to my friend she works on another even more luxurious building now.

Why so much obsession with the building, this woman, at least this is what I feel here. this seems like if he was deeply impacted by all of this in that particular moment in his life and for some reason he can’t get over it. They way he talked about this woman sounds like if he has never seen nothing better, which is ridiculous, she is pretty, but not wow at all. Why does he sees her so greatly, what are the reasons? I don’t get this at all, especially when they were not even boyfriend and girlfriend!!.

22-01-2020 6:35pm

advise you to forget about it

you genuinely sound like youve thought way too much about it

if he brings her up again tell him you dont want to be hearing about every fine thing he ever met

he'll get the message

wiggle16 · 22-01-2020 8:49pm

Hi OP

If, in spite of her bad qualities, he still got on with her as a work colleague, he probably doesn't feel the need to delete her from his social media. If they never had a falling out or a bad experience, he has no real reason to delete her from facebook. It is also clever to keep people on-side who are involved with your industry in case you end up working together again or are looking for contracts etc.

I occaisionally look up people I hate on social media to see if they've got balder/fatter/married. I wouldn't read anything more into it. You're overthinking it big time.

ShaShaBear · 27-01-2020 1:08am

Honestly OP, it sounds like you're just as obsessed with her, if not more, than he is. It's his work laptop, and he worked with this woman. He could have been searching her to get the link to forward to a colleague or anything really! People search up people they know literally all the time. It's so common, I would say at this point it is rarer that you would meet someone who doesn't do it.

But you've discovered her name, more info about her, her ex-boyfriend and have been getting information from your friend about what this girl is up to now rather than just telling your boyfriend that his constant bringing her up makes you uncomfortable?

ILoveYourVibes · 27-01-2020 1:29am

He has a little crush / infatuation.

Maybe the searches were work related. I mean could she be a useful contact?

It sounds like she is doing well in the business. Maybe he felt she would be useful to know.

leggo · 28-01-2020 10:35am

Everyone looks up exes on social media now and then, it’s part of 21st century life. You get involved in someone’s life and get invested. When a break-up happens, we have to try pretend we’re okay making a clean break, but it’s not like we can just click a finger and stop caring. I remember once I had a bad break-up with someone I was with a long time and, the week before, their mother (who I got on with and had grown to care about) had been diagnosed with cancer. In those cases was I supposed to now not care if that person lives or dies because my ex wasn’t happy we broke up? There’s a million variations of that and 99% of them don’t point to wanting your ex back, it’s mostly being human and the process of ‘no contact’ after a break-up (that loads of people on here swear by) isn’t a natural human process to go about with someone you spend so much time with.

Take the place your partner’s ex lived, for example. The way you describe it, I see it more like your partner would like to live there or a place like there. His curiosity seems to be more centred around that than the person that lives there. That’s normal too. When we’re with someone and start to live partly within their world for a time, we broaden our horizons and see things we like. I’ve made some lifestyle choices that I continue to this day that I started with with certain people, still listen to bands I discovered through them etc. That’s just part of growth.

That said, there’s a middle ground and in general talking about exes all the time can be unhealthy. I have a friend who will shut everything down if someone they’re dating even mentions an ex in the early stages. Now that’s a bit harsh for me personally, I don’t mind those chats because in those stages I want to learn as much as I can about the person to decide if it’s something I want to get involved in, and exes and how past relationships went are a BIG deal there because it’s likely going to play into how that would go. But it is weird to focus on a particular ex and talk about them all the time, it suggests someone’s head is more back there and they see that when they think “good times...” rather than their present situation. So I think what you have to do OP is break down how much of this is based on what he’s actually said and how much of it is based around your insecurities and ‘research’. Then you can go from there.

Dog day · 28-01-2020 11:30am

Hi OP, your boyfriends regular alluding to this girl has led you to do your own research into her, that’s human, very few people could resist doing the same!

However.....listen to your gut, it’s now propelled you to seek advice here. None of us know for sure what’s possibly going on in your boyfriends head, it could be a simple silly infatuation (painful but possible), natural curiosity about someone he was once involved with (entirely normal!) or any number of other reasons, some less palatable than others.

It will be difficult but if it’s making you that uncomfortable the best course of action is to just mention that to him. Delivered correctly it shouldn’t come across as too needy, equally his reaction could answer your questions. Either way it’s much better than having an internal monologue & wrecking your own head. Life does that to us often enough, don’t do it to yourself!

Good luck.

28-01-2020 5:41pm

Occasionally googling some girl you had the hots for at some point - and she seems to have really made an impression on him in terms of hotness? Seems fairly normal to me.

It's much worse the other way round - a really hot guy is much more likely to sleep with an average woman than vice versa.

Sophiex0 · 31-01-2020 3:33am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He has a little crush / infatuation.

Maybe the searches were work related. I mean could she be a useful contact?

It sounds like she is doing well in the business. Maybe he felt she would be useful to know.

I mean this man is so obsessed on our first date after dinner, he took me to the building she works in. Plus 3 more times after that, he even took me to the top of this building like he did with this girl.

Then he wanted to buy me a watch from a brand that this girl happens to have/had.

And last but not least he was encouraging me to find a job exactly like hers( to get the course, so I can do what she does.

You guys be the judge, I don’t know but all of this sounds very sketchy, obsessive and ridiculous.

joeguevara · 31-01-2020 6:08am

It seems that you are as obsessed with her as he is. You know every little detail and still with the guy.

You are obsessing about him obsessing. Why are you allowing this to happen? If someone told you that they knew so many details about their partners ex, what would your reaction be?

golfball37 · 31-01-2020 2:08pm

I've googled all of my ex girlfriends more than once over the years. Doesn't mean I want to be with any of them and one in particular stunning and broke my heart. In my case its just curiousity nothing more sinister, perhaps he is the same.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2020 2:29pm

Sophiex0 wrote: »

I mean this man is so obsessed on our first date after dinner, he took me to the building she works in. Plus 3 more times after that, he even took me to the top of this building like he did with this girl.

Then he wanted to buy me a watch from a brand that this girl happens to have/had.

And last but not least he was encouraging me to find a job exactly like hers( to get the course, so I can do what she does.

You guys be the judge, I don’t know but all of this sounds very sketchy, obsessive and ridiculous.

You probably should have started your first post with what you've said here.

You say they went out a few times and that it was nothing serious, well she made enough of an impact on him for him to want to make you be just like her. He's taken you to her place of work 4 times!! Of course that's not normal behaviour and goes far beyond having a nose at their facebook page.

Time for a serious chat with him. If that feeling of unease remains, end the relationship. You'll only drive you and him insane.

Sophiex0 · 31-01-2020 7:36pm

dontsoundgood wrote: »

You probably should have started your first post with what you've said here.

You say they went out a few times and that it was nothing serious, well she made enough of an impact on him for him to want to make you be just like her. He's taken you to her place of work 4 times!! Of course that's not normal behaviour and goes far beyond having a nose at their facebook page.

Time for a serious chat with him. If that feeling of unease remains, end the relationship. You'll only drive you and him insane.

You wont even imagine the amount of clothes I have bought to look beautiful or at least make him see that I am more beautiful than her, my time invested in the gym, my skin, my hair, so that he can see that I am better and erase this girl from his head.

You want me to be honest I have felt good at times, but just realized it has been a waste of time, if in his head he believes she is the most beautiful woman he has seen, with her being so popular, having more than 20 man drooling around her, then I believe that nothing I do will make him see me different and obviously for him there
Will be no competition.

I feel that I tried to be my best for nothing, it is so, that when he talked to me about her, you know most boyfriends would say that their girlfriend is prettier to reassure them that they are better than that past person, wellhe did not even say:”oh but your way more prettier than her” or something, you know what he said: “well you know you are younger, you have a pretty personality and have a good heart.

He should have reassured me and tell me that i am prettier ir that I the best he has had, something so that I would not feel insecure.

So I believe he did this to make me feel insecure on purpose or to have to try to harder, to be better, like if I was in some dam competition in his head, not fair, and to me these 2 years of relationship have seem like a competition to me. Feels like gaslighting to me.

Shybride2016 · 31-01-2020 8:04pm

Sophiex0 wrote: »

You wont even imagine the amount of clothes I have bought to look beautiful or at least make him see that I am more beautiful than her, my time invested in the gym, my skin, my hair, so that he can see that I am better and erase this girl from his head.

You want me to be honest I have felt good at times, but just realized it has been a waste of time, if in his head he believes she is the most beautiful woman he has seen, with her being so popular, having more than 20 man drooling around her, then I believe that nothing I do will make him see me different and obviously for him there
Will be no competition.

I feel that I tried to be my best for nothing, it is so, that when he talked to me about her, you know most boyfriends would say that their girlfriend is prettier to reassure them that they are better than that past person, wellhe did not even say:”oh but your way more prettier than her” or something, you know what he said: “well you know you are younger, you have a pretty personality and have a good heart.

He should have reassured me and tell me that i am prettier ir that I the best he has had, something so that I would not feel insecure.

So I believe he did this to make me feel insecure on purpose or to have to try to harder, to be better, like if I was in some dam competition in his head, not fair, and to me these 2 years of relationship have seem like a competition to me. Feels like gaslighting to me.

Hi Sophie,

Your last few posts about this guy remind me so much of an awful relationship I was in in my early twenties. I was completely blind to what he was at as I was desperate to be coupled up. What he is doing is not normal acceptable behaviour. My advice would be to finish with him ASAP. From what you’ve written there are red flags flying all over the place and you deserve so so much better than him.

Your self-esteem, self-worth and happiness will be eroded to nothing if you continue in the relationship. IMO anything you say to him will be turned around to make you feel like you’re being paranoid etc. You’ve already mentioned feeling like you’re being gaslighted. I can only wish I had known what that word meant when I was with the other guy. I wasted so many months being made to feel like crap, it took a lot for me to get back on my feet but once I got the courage to end it I never looked back.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Dog day · 31-01-2020 10:04pm

Hi OP, having read your more recent posts it’s very clear that you’re so focused on comparing yourself to her & his opinion of you in relation to her that you seem to have forgotten yourself in all of this.

The relationship you’re in sounds deeply unhealthy on both sides & I don’t see it improving with this guy. You’re placing such a heavy emphasis on your physical appearance to please him. Once again how you feel doesn’t seem to be a factor at all.

Whether he means to or not your boyfriend is eroding your self-esteem & the longer you continue with this obsessive behaviour the worse it will get.

Please end this now & work on your own confidence, not in relation to anybody else or indeed to anybody else’s Ex. Healthy relationships look forward not back.

Sorry to be harsh (it’s a cruel to be kind statement!) but at this point you’re behaving like your own worst enemy.

leggo · 01-02-2020 1:05am

OP your more recent posts describe a guy who’s properly hung up on this girl. From what you describe of their relationship too, I’d wonder if she even mentions him or if it was a brief fling he’s become a bit tragically obsessed about. Either way, the comparisons are redundant: when someone isn’t over their ex, it doesn’t even matter what you look like or what you bring to the table, you’re not them and that’s that. People can be in denial and tell themselves they’re over someone, when all evidence points elsewhere, for YEARS.

Don’t stay around and try ‘fix’ him or hope it’ll all just click one day. He doesn’t have the space in his brain to fully care for you, so what’s more likely if you do is he just breaks up with you out of the blue while slowly eroding your self-worth to nothing along the way.

Millionaire only not · 01-02-2020 5:05am

leggo wrote: »

OP your more recent posts describe a guy who’s properly hung up on this girl. From what you describe of their relationship too, I’d wonder if she even mentions him or if it was a brief fling he’s become a bit tragically obsessed about. Either way, the comparisons are redundant: when someone isn’t over their ex, it doesn’t even matter what you look like or what you bring to the table, you’re not them and that’s that. People can be in denial and tell themselves they’re over someone, when all evidence points elsewhere, for YEARS.

Don’t stay around and try ‘fix’ him or hope it’ll all just click one day. He doesn’t have the space in his brain to fully care for you, so what’s more likely if you do is he just breaks up with you out of the blue while slowly eroding your self-worth to nothing along the way.

It’s not just him that needs fixing , ur a truly a work of art from working with him , to sneaking in his history pages !

Your carry on after ths with gym , clothes while all good is done for wrong motives !
His obsession with her will die in its own time , he might be sleeping ( lovemaking even ) with u but thinking of her u won’t change that no matter what u do !

I always thought of one of many ex’s that knowing that was the end of the obsession as we had both gone different directions with different people!

Best of luck but cool the jets if u want to survive this , he’ll never have her if she’s as good as u say all will ever be is an infatuation!

ILoveYourVibes · 01-02-2020 5:21am

Sophiex0 wrote: »

I mean this man is so obsessed on our first date after dinner, he took me to the building she works in. Plus 3 more times after that, he even took me to the top of this building like he did with this girl.

Then he wanted to buy me a watch from a brand that this girl happens to have/had.

And last but not least he was encouraging me to find a job exactly like hers( to get the course, so I can do what she does.

You guys be the judge, I don’t know but all of this sounds very sketchy, obsessive and ridiculous.

Then you have made your mind up. Your feelings on it are your feelings and you should leave him.

So I believe he did this to make me feel insecure on purpose or to have to try to harder, to be better, like if I was in some dam competition in his head, not fair, and to me these 2 years of relationship have seem like a competition to me. Feels like gaslighting to me.

Then why haven't you left him?

LegacyUser · 01-02-2020 12:01pm

I think both of you are lying to yourselves here. Your boyfriend is still very hung up on this woman. Don't pay any attention to his talk about her being a diva etc. It's killing him that he can't have her. This might be her as she is, or the idealised version of what he wants her to be. This is reading a bit like the plot of the Alfred Hitchcock film "Vertigo", which is about obsession and a man trying to turn another woman into his dead love. There is an emptiness there and he is trying to fill it with you. You will never be enough though. Neither will she, for that matter.

So why are you continuing this relationship? You were slow to admit the full truth in this thread. Your first post on this could be read s something quite innocuous. Looking up exes is something many people do but it's usually them being nosey and wondering what someone is doing now. Your second post threw an entirely different light on the story and threw up lots and lots of red flags. You yourself don't sound like you're happy or secure with your boyfriend. It is eating you up. So why are you still trying to convince him that you're as good as this elusive ex? You too are settling and are afraid of what lies ahead if you split.

Honeydew3456 · 01-02-2020 11:50pm

The writing is on the wall. The poor fool is obsessed and by the looks of it won't be out of that headspace anytime soon.

You would be best off leaving him to his own love sick devices and getting on with your own life. Never play second fiddle.

qwerty13 · 02-02-2020 10:42am

This might not be a popular view. And I might be completely wrong. But the way you’ve described trying to form yourself into this other woman - do you think there’s a possibility that it’s your obsession, and not his?

They way you’ve described dressing to outdo her, getting skin treatments and going to the gym more and more - it sounds very obsessive to me. Perhaps you took a few stupid and very thoughtless remarks / coincidences from him, and have acted on that to an obsessive extent.

I’m totally prepared to be told that I’m wrong. There’s just something about your post about clothes and gym/beauty/hair treatments that gives me pause for thought.

joeguevara · 02-02-2020 11:22am

Your Boyfriend has never mentioned her name or showed you a picture of her, yet you know her name, what she looks like and the fact she is on his Facebook.

Not only that, you have gone through your partners search history to find out if he had searched her.

You happen to know that your friends partner is friends with her ex. So not only did you find out her name independently, you found out who her ex was and was then able to find out that your friends partner was friends with him. And even more than that you found out her new place of employment.

You have obviously searched her on your partners Facebook, how else would you know what her picture looks like. Is it possible that you saw posts about the gym, makeup, perSo all details etc.

Your partner may still hold a candle for her. He might talk about her which is insensitive and wrong. But you have done more detective work than is healthy.

It might be best for you if you break up with your partner because he is probably not acting as a sensitive boyfriend but also, is affecting you in an unhealthy way. I hope th8ngs get better for you. You are letting a person you have never met have such a detrimental effect on you. Where is the positive In this situation for you.

Sophiex0 · 02-02-2020 7:31pm

leggo wrote: »

OP your more recent posts describe a guy who’s properly hung up on this girl. From what you describe of their relationship too, I’d wonder if she even mentions him or if it was a brief fling he’s become a bit tragically obsessed about. Either way, the comparisons are redundant: when someone isn’t over their ex, it doesn’t even matter what you look like or what you bring to the table, you’re not them and that’s that. People can be in denial and tell themselves they’re over someone, when all evidence points elsewhere, for YEARS.

Don’t stay around and try ‘fix’ him or hope it’ll all just click one day. He doesn’t have the space in his brain to fully care for you, so what’s more likely if you do is he just breaks up with you out of the blue while slowly eroding your self-worth to nothing along the way.

You are right!, I just can’t process if this is even a normal behavior from him, I mean would some other man thats 48 years old even act like this? What is so aww about this girl that impacted him to the point where they were not even bf and gf and he still feels the need to look her up or on google, or even had talked to me about her and how beautiful, super coke body that she has ( at the beginning of our relationship), all of this sounds immature for a man his age to tell his beautiful girlfriend( unless it was all done to make me insecure and feel the need to work harder to have him with me or whatever.

Dog day · 02-02-2020 9:10pm

Hi OP, your latest post reads like you’re not taking into account the good advice you’ve received here. You’re still so focused on him & his clear attraction to this other girl. It’s a deeply unhealthy situation & I’d once again urge you to get out of this unhappy relationship & take some time to yourself. It’s worrying to look at the questions you’re asking in your last post as these really aren’t the most important ones. Rather ask yourself why you’re continuing to stay with someone who continually makes you feel not quite good enough? I wish you well.

Sophiex0 · 03-02-2020 8:10pm

Kim Novak wrote: »

I think both of you are lying to yourselves here. Your boyfriend is still very hung up on this woman. Don't pay any attention to his talk about her being a diva etc. It's killing him that he can't have her. This might be her as she is, or the idealised version of what he wants her to be. This is reading a bit like the plot of the Alfred Hitchcock film "Vertigo", which is about obsession and a man trying to turn another woman into his dead love. There is an emptiness there and he is trying to fill it with you. You will never be enough though. Neither will she, for that matter.

So why are you continuing this relationship? You were slow to admit the full truth in this thread. Your first post on this could be read s something quite innocuous. Looking up exes is something many people do but it's usually them being nosey and wondering what someone is doing now. Your second post threw an entirely different light on the story and threw up lots and lots of red flags. You yourself don't sound like you're happy or secure with your boyfriend. It is eating you up. So why are you still trying to convince him that you're as good as this elusive ex? You too are settling and are afraid of what lies ahead if you split.

*UPDATE: Oh lord he mentioned her again, but it was my fault cause we were talking about having chemistry with someone, and I told him the story if a good friend of mine, and he had the exact same happen to him, except that he was telling me that he was connected emotionally to her, that they had chemistry but they had a deal he would not have sex with her due to the fact that she asked for it because she was vulnerable because her boyfriend at that time broke up with her, left her for this other girl and married this other girl little after breaking up with her.

So he has the nerve to explicitly tell me, she was in a bra and panties with this amazing body ðŸ€”, and he had boxers on, they were kissing, cuddling and nothing else happened because they made a deal they wouldn’t have sex until a little more ahead.

And again tells me with an insisting manner, that she is precious, that she had a whole bunch of men after her, she has this amazing body of working out at the gym, this work position, etc etc, and he always seems frustrated or almost bitter when TALKING ABOUT IT, about it, I wonder why!! They had nothing serious, just going out and getting to know each other.

I think he is somewhat frustrated cause he did want to have sex with her but due to respect he did not, he said this to me,as it is yesterday. He sounded intense about this.

leggo · 03-02-2020 9:09pm

Yeah it just sounds like he had a fling with someone he fancied, she rejected him before they even had sex and he’s obsessed and trying to make you (or anyone he’ll meet) into her. Sorry OP, your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a weirdo when you boil it down. On the bright side, recognising that will make the next part a bit easier for you.

achmairt · 07-02-2020 12:11am

Hmmmm When they bring up past girlfriends 'how pretty they are' etc, they are definitely still obsessed. If he didn't give a damn about her he might mention her in some other derogatory context. He's definitely not over her and watch him. Actually don't bother - you obviously cannot compete with this beautiful fantastic (model). Leave him to his fantasies and walk away. Life is too short and there's a lot more fish in the sea.

Stateofyou · 07-02-2020 8:41am

He's either still into her, or playing games with you, or both. And he obviously has no tact or cop regarding your feelings - some stuff you keep to yourself. He doesn't seem to bother to care to do that out of respect for you. I would tell him you've decided to end the relationship in light of that and in future he should treat his current partner with more respect. Which you completely deserve.

Tokyo · 05-04-2020 10:03am

Mod: Thread closed pending review.

What di you think is going on in here, what are your honest thoughts?

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