Can't catch a break

LegacyUser · 30-03-2020 9:08pm #1

Feeling incredibly low, just almost in give-up mode, which is never usually my style. To be blunt, I am of course to blame but most of my problems have been because I married a moody and difficult guy and stuck it out as he was never physically aggressive (except for making a few gestures here and there). Helping him through work challenges and study, I put myself second and it took more out of me than I realised. He appreciates the help on some level, but I never feel it coming fully back in respect, more effort - that's all I want.

We have both had work, but he has been fired from all four of the jobs he got since starting his career in the past 5 years. I've had to pick up the pieces, making applications for him since he wouldn't do it, doing all admin to clean up bills, etc. I had my own work too but not consistently - I paid my half of our way - but due to a poor choice in degree, I have been up-skilling in my free time, but with all the side issues of rel problems, plus an abusive mother in law, parental illness, I've been held back.

He doesn't seem to ever want to take responsibility. While over the 5 years we are together his moods have stabilised and he is much more together, he is permanently having some kind of health issue that doctors can never seem to find a reason for. Now with coronavirus, he is coughing day and night for the past month, no fever, and I am certain it's anxiety. It's making an already stressful time unmanageable. He had a bout of coughing 6 months ago too. I'm finding it difficult to just live this kind of existence anymore. I've made massive mistakes - poor choice of degree, and then thinking if you love someone you can move mountains for them and help them. If I can't get these things right, or ever just get my life truly going, what is the point in trying? I just can't get through to him to help, to do his part in any respect of this relationship, and it's tormenting me now.

I guess I need to start over on a clean slate and face reality that my husband is not going to be in my future. But how does one do this?

Upforthematch · 30-03-2020 11:27pm

Why do you say you are to blame? You picked a degree and a husband that looked attractive at the time and then things changed. Dont beat yourself up over the past, look forward.

It sounds youre trying to take on too much at the moment to be honest and its a bit overwhelming.

What one change could you make now that doesnt have 'big' consequences? Start with that... and use this coronatime to treat yourself in some way you wouldnt normally. It might give you some space to breathe.

hawley · 31-03-2020 12:02am

Hi there, the main thing I pick up from your piece is that you feel so angry at your husband. There doesn't seem to any semblance of love coming through at all. It comes across as if you dislike your husband; it doesn't sound like there's any future in this. I'm not sure if you're a man or woman, but you don't want to end up having a child with him.

Goodigal · 31-03-2020 8:50am

OP you have not mentioned children in this which is a great thing. It is so much more complicated when they are involved. You do not sound like you like your husband, nevermind love him right now. And judging by your post, I wouldn't blame you. Why should you have to find him a job? He's an adult. You are making your way through your career - albeit you are describing difficulties with this. But you are doing it! Don't be so hard on yourself. He sounds like he needs to be minded. And maybe that's not a task you need to be responsible for.
If you don't see him in your future, well it's great to know that after 5 years and not live unhappily for 20. Wish you luck thinking thru this at this difficult time.

redfox123 · 31-03-2020 10:52am

Why are you doing so much for this guy? Is he a baby? Sorry but it’s a warped idea of love to think it’s doing the basic adult responsible stuff for him he should be doing himself. I think underneath you fear he would not bother with you or the relationship at all if you weren’t basically his personal p.a running around for him. You want his love back in return for being his assistant. That will never work. It should be given freely from him. Love and respect. It does neither of you any good you being this martyr of love.
Stop doing anything for him. He will respect you more. If it means you have to move out on your own for a while after this situation is over then do so. Focus on yourself, and only yourself. Let him focus on his self. You need to have a relationship not of co dependence but one where you are both happy alone and are together out of love rather than needing you to be an adult for him.

Kylta · 31-03-2020 2:48pm

It seems to me that your husband doesnt want to work or do anything for that matter. In life we are all reponsible for the choices we make good or bad, the thing about choices is we make them everyday and we change them everyday. Maybe you should make the choice to change your life to better you and nobody else, it seems selfish but you should come first. I would wait til the covid issue is over before introducing change ( especially if your contemplating moving out). In regards to maybe how your husbands reacts.

Emme · 01-04-2020 5:17pm

If you're not run off your feet looking after your husband and you're not caught up in work still (working from home, in essential services etc.) you need to take time to plan your escape when the lockdown finishes. Make plans regardless and don't do as much for your husband. However don't let him know you're making plans until you're walking out the door.

It's up to you if you want to allow your own parents' illness to hold you back or how much time you want to dedicate to it. If you dedicate too much time to it you could end up in 20 years time in exactly the same position having made no progress whatsoever.

You don't have to be a slave to your husband or take abuse from him or his mother. Not all abuse is physical. www.womensaid.ie is a helpful website. Think hard about what YOU want out of life and how you are going to go about getting it.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2020 3:15pm

Thanks for your help everyone. I do love him which is why I stuck it out, but I have learned that love isn't everything. And yes, no kids, I wouldn't risk that with him.
I don't hate him either, nor do I fully resent him. He has a lot of good qualities but the truth shines through and he has shown me he has more respect and thought for his family than he does me. In the past he has shouted at me or blamed me for things that I had nothing to do with. He didn't cut his mother off for verbally abusing me and once shoving me, he doesn't cut her off even though she has moved to shouting at him instead or just being passive aggressive.

I have tried kind love, tough love, everything, but he just abuses any kindness or goodwill. I can't even have a normal day - he has some problem every day or causes some new argument. And thinking for two people in terms of life admin, even, is not right. I need to focus on my own stuff and he doesn't relieve me of the other trivial problems that build up. He doesn't even clean or cook hardly at all. Like 1 in 10 times. There is a whole store of things I can mention that show a lack of respect for me. And I haven't been a walk over. I've stood up for myself but that involved arguing and I'm sorry I wasted that time trying to reason and being patient. Sadly the only recourse left now is to leave.

One of the main reasons I have helped him with job stuff, and everything else, is because it effects me also when he is not working and there is less income. Likewise if he were to remain unemployable.

I told him last night it's over after he had yet another coughing episode and it was yet another night of disturbing my sleep. I sleep in another room atm so of course the cough has to be loud to wake me up, even with earplugs in. When I told him to call his mother, he made an even bigger drama, opening my bedroom door repeatedly, turning on the light, etc. saying 'help'.
He kept us awake until 6am. He knows he has anxiety/panic attacks and I've helped him for 5 years through his moods, etc. but I had been also asking him to work on himself. Problem is, he will never do this. I think he wants to feel a victim and never have to work on himself.

He is going to give me hell when I leave but I will get the police involved as soon as he does.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2020 7:30pm

just wanted to add a second reply that's a bit more positive. Very grateful again for your replies, common sense (that's rare in the real world), and positivity.

I may still love my husband but I don't have to keep doing so and I have begun my retreat.

Upforthematch said to think about 'What one change could you make now that doesn't have 'big' consequences?'. This is a really hard question. I'm taking more time to myself, reading, sleeping in the other room for the first time (we moved house), and this is all really great as I have time to think. I'm going to make a concrete plan for my life as it would appear even a bad plan is better than none and I have been doing too much hoping for the best thinking effort is everything.

Stateofyou · 07-04-2020 10:00am

cantcatchabreak wrote: »

Thanks for your help everyone. I do love him which is why I stuck it out, but I have learned that love isn't everything. And yes, no kids, I wouldn't risk that with him.
I don't hate him either, nor do I fully resent him. He has a lot of good qualities but the truth shines through and he has shown me he has more respect and thought for his family than he does me. In the past he has shouted at me or blamed me for things that I had nothing to do with. He didn't cut his mother off for verbally abusing me and once shoving me, he doesn't cut her off even though she has moved to shouting at him instead or just being passive aggressive.

I have tried kind love, tough love, everything, but he just abuses any kindness or goodwill. I can't even have a normal day - he has some problem every day or causes some new argument. And thinking for two people in terms of life admin, even, is not right. I need to focus on my own stuff and he doesn't relieve me of the other trivial problems that build up. He doesn't even clean or cook hardly at all. Like 1 in 10 times. There is a whole store of things I can mention that show a lack of respect for me. And I haven't been a walk over. I've stood up for myself but that involved arguing and I'm sorry I wasted that time trying to reason and being patient. Sadly the only recourse left now is to leave.

One of the main reasons I have helped him with job stuff, and everything else, is because it effects me also when he is not working and there is less income. Likewise if he were to remain unemployable.

I told him last night it's over after he had yet another coughing episode and it was yet another night of disturbing my sleep. I sleep in another room atm so of course the cough has to be loud to wake me up, even with earplugs in. When I told him to call his mother, he made an even bigger drama, opening my bedroom door repeatedly, turning on the light, etc. saying 'help'.
He kept us awake until 6am. He knows he has anxiety/panic attacks and I've helped him for 5 years through his moods, etc. but I had been also asking him to work on himself. Problem is, he will never do this. I think he wants to feel a victim and never have to work on himself.

He is going to give me hell when I leave but I will get the police involved as soon as he does.

Cutting right to the chase, he's got deeper issues starting at least from his family of origin that he's obviously never addressed, and doesn't need to because you've enabled him, been his crutch. He's become used to that, and turned into someone who's extremely selfish and hasn't really grown. He's got a very long road of self work in front of him, which he may not even be willing to start. Are you really willing to ride that out? Life is so short, in your shoes without children I think I would call time on a relationship that is only dragging you down. Wishing you the best.

Edit to add: I missed your last sentence of your post before. Please be smart about your exist strategy, with your safety top of mind. Now that you've decided to leave, do you have somewhere else you can go? If you're worried about your safety, I would try and get the timing with this right. I'm thinking get your essentials together before you tell him your decision and then leave with everything you need. Or some combination of family/friend there to help as you're taking your things. If you already know he's going to give you hell and you're thinking of the Gardai getting involved, this will need some strategic/smart planning.

Emme · 07-04-2020 11:40am

OP I'm glad you have decided to leave but it was unwise to mention it to him ATM. Many people are literally sleeping with the enemy through quarantine. You only have to look at the news to see that rates of domestic abuse and murder suicides have rocketed with the quarantine.

It would have been wiser for you to say you had mild covid-19 symptoms and were isolating yourself in the spare room and say nothing about the relationship being over until you had definite plans in place and were literally walking out the door. However you can't turn back the clock now.

You need to contact Women's Aid for advice now even if it's just verbal abuse. Also if you feel that he might react badly contact the gardai.

I wish you well with the future, stick to your plan of leaving when quarantine is over.

hawley · 07-04-2020 11:57am

It sounds like a very odd relationship that you have with him, almost like you've become a second mother to him. Trying to keep you awake, leaving doors open etc are very childish actions, like how a teenager would behave. It seems like he has some emotional problems, you've tried your best but it's done now. I know there might be some financial repercussions but you need to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. It's over, it's done.

lawred2 · 07-04-2020 12:02pm

cantcatchabreak wrote: »

Feeling incredibly low, just almost in give-up mode, which is never usually my style. To be blunt, I am of course to blame but most of my problems have been because I married a moody and difficult guy and stuck it out as he was never physically aggressive (except for making a few gestures here and there). Helping him through work challenges and study, I put myself second and it took more out of me than I realised. He appreciates the help on some level, but I never feel it coming fully back in respect, more effort - that's all I want.

We have both had work, but he has been fired from all four of the jobs he got since starting his career in the past 5 years. I've had to pick up the pieces, making applications for him since he wouldn't do it, doing all admin to clean up bills, etc. I had my own work too but not consistently - I paid my half of our way - but due to a poor choice in degree, I have been up-skilling in my free time, but with all the side issues of rel problems, plus an abusive mother in law, parental illness, I've been held back.

He doesn't seem to ever want to take responsibility. While over the 5 years we are together his moods have stabilised and he is much more together, he is permanently having some kind of health issue that doctors can never seem to find a reason for. Now with coronavirus, he is coughing day and night for the past month, no fever, and I am certain it's anxiety. It's making an already stressful time unmanageable. He had a bout of coughing 6 months ago too. I'm finding it difficult to just live this kind of existence anymore. I've made massive mistakes - poor choice of degree, and then thinking if you love someone you can move mountains for them and help them. If I can't get these things right, or ever just get my life truly going, what is the point in trying? I just can't get through to him to help, to do his part in any respect of this relationship, and it's tormenting me now.

I guess I need to start over on a clean slate and face reality that my husband is not going to be in my future. But how does one do this?

Sacked from four jobs? The problem is clearly not with you. It's with him. Christ I'd be ashamed of myself.

lawred2 · 07-04-2020 12:06pm

My Dad is a moody child in an old man's body. Sullen and prone to bouts of feeling deeply sorry for himself.

I see the effect glad handling him and pussyfooting around him for forty years has had on my Mum. Don't allow that to happen to you. There is nothing worse than a man child.

You don't have kids. Either he genuinely seeks counseling or you pack his bags.

Can't catch a break

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