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Farting

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    #122
    McMurphy
    Registered Users Posts: 13,365 ✭✭✭✭McMurphy


    Screenshot-2019-03-16-11-24-50-791-com-android-chrome.jpg

    The first guy to thank this knows his sh


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    #123
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    Jesus. Tell me not to pry if I am doing so, or if this is a stupid question, but -- is there a particular reason why that's done after removing the colon?

    Can they not just connect the parts of the gastro-intestinal tract that are still working?

    Colon extends from appendix to anus, all parts affected by colitis. After its removal the surgeon has to stitch closed the hole or you’d die of infection. Many people with lower colon cancer also have to have the end stitched closed after tissues are removed, as happened with Brian Kennedy.


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    #124
    alchemist33
    Registered Users Posts: 10,969 ✭✭✭✭alchemist33


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    Why are so many people hung-up on farting?

    According to Wikipedia, "The professional farters of medieval Ireland were called braigetoír. They are listed together with other performers and musicians in the 12th century Tech Midchúarda, a diagram of the banqueting hall of Tara. As entertainers, these braigetoir ranked at the lower end of a scale headed by bards, fili, and harpers".

    Farting is no less necessary to life than breathing, sweating, or going to the bathroom. Yet we persist in this odd charade whereby we pretend that nobody does it.

    Does anybody else find it slightly odd that we are now more uptight about our bodies' natural functions than we were in the middle ages?

    For further information, see:
    Ramsey G. 2002. ‘A Breath of Fresh Air: Rectal Music in Gaelic Ireland’ in Archaeology Ireland Vol. 16, No. 1, pp. 22-23

    Professional Farter is still a more dignified career description than "influencer"


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    #125
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Jesus, I must be on to live to 120 years old if that’s the case. Had a gallon of porter last night watching the Liverpool game. The choir of arse angels was practising all day, and there was a fent off them that would strip paint from a trawler.

    I find that spicy food is the main culprit,John.

    You must have been gulling down the curry big time,lad.

    Hint:

    Be very careful ascending an escalator behind a ‘strong built lass of middle years’ or to use the colloqulism ‘ a boiler’ or ‘a tugboat’.

    Was ascending the esco inbound at Dublin Airport after a long flight from SFO behind this heavy beamed bint lugging a tote bag I think they call them.

    Right at the top she bent down to scoop up the bag and released a ‘string of pearls’ a fcuking blowout like someone stepping on ducks.

    The waft nearly staggered me, being a build up of airline food and probably piss soaked undergarments.

    Even the guy at immigration asked me if I was ok as I looked paler than my passport photo.

    She must have been eating blown tuna patè or something.


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    #126
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    I find that spicy food is the main culprit,John.

    You must have been gulling down the curry big time,lad.

    Hint:

    Be very careful ascending an escalator behind a ‘strong built lass of middle years’ or to use the colloqulism ‘ a boiler’ or ‘a tugboat’.

    Was ascending the esco inbound at Dublin Airport after a long flight from SFO behind this heavy beamed bint lugging a tote bag I think they call them.

    Right at the top she bent down to scoop up the bag and released a ‘string of pearls’ a fcuking blowout like someone stepping on ducks.

    The waft nearly staggered me, being a build up of airline food and probably piss soaked undergarments.

    Even the guy at immigration asked me if I was ok as I looked paler than my passport photo.

    She must have been eating blown tuna patè or something.


    Jesus, Brendan, sounds suspiciously like my demon of an ex-wife. Her farts tended to be as foul as her humour most of the time. At least it happened in Arrivals, and not in the defarture lounge - a whiff of that might cause you to miss the flight due to trauma.

    Didn't go near the curry that evening, but did stop into Macari's on the way home for a smoked cod and garlic chips. Put that into the food blender with the 8 pints of Uncle Arthur's Magic Medicine, and you've a potent mix on your hands the next morning. Had to leave the windows of the van open on the way into work.

    Things didn't get better for the rest of the morning, and I nearly had a jacksydent at one stage with some serious prairie dogging going on as I goose stepped into the shítbox. You don't see stuff like that in a Guinness ad.


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    #127
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Jesus, Brendan, sounds suspiciously like my demon of an ex-wife. Her farts tended to be as foul as her humour most of the time. At least it happened in Arrivals, and not in the defarture lounge - a whiff of that might cause you to miss the flight due to trauma.

    Didn't go near the curry that evening, but did stop into Macari's on the way home for a smoked cod and garlic chips. Put that into the food blender with the 8 pints of Uncle Arthur's Magic Medicine, and you've a potent mix on your hands the next morning. Had to leave the windows of the van open on the way into work.

    Things didn't get better for the rest of the morning, and I nearly had a jacksydent at one stage with some serious prairie dogging going on as I goose stepped into the shítbox. You don't see stuff like that in a Guinness ad.

    You do not,John, nor do you see some gimp letting go a ‘carpet duster ‘ in a crowded lift and staggering the occupants with the fent of something like you might get in the shytters of a Paddy power shop after the Gold Cup.


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    #128
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    Was in the Raheny branch of Paddy Power for most of the afternoon yesterday. Can testify to the appalling state of the facilities - one cúnt managed to 'shelve' most of his load after the 16.50 race. The coffee out of the machines in their offices is lethal though - runs right through you. Lost a couple of hundred quid as well, so was in shocking form leaving.


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    #129
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    JohnnyFlash wrote: »
    Was in the Raheny branch of Paddy Power for most of the afternoon yesterday. Can testify to the appalling state of the facilities - one cúnt managed to 'shelve' most of his load after the 16.50 race. The coffee out of the machines in their offices is lethal though - runs right through you. Lost a couple of hundred quid as well, so was in shocking form leaving.

    Oooh. ... you probably blew out a thick skein of sour midden back in the bedsit then, no way you evacuated in that surround.

    Bottom of the pan probably looked like swamp water after you.

    Hate those places no comfort, pan like someone emptied a can of burnt oak fence stain into it:mad:


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    #130
    Gael23
    Registered Users Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    If it’s ok to fart in public then why not squeeze out a turd in a public drain and save flushing the toilet


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    #131
    bodhrandude
    Registered Users Posts: 12,417 ✭✭✭✭bodhrandude


    I remember being in Oslo, Norway on a tour with musicians and we were walking about sight seeing, but I remember having a massive salad and meat roll and was drinking chocolate milk. We went to visit the Emanuel Vigeland Mausoleum, a tomb and also an art gallery, which has these thick vaulted doors where you are shut in for half an hour to explore, I ended up having this explosive but silent fart and fcuk me, the stench. There was some fairly screwed up faces coming out of there.

    If you want to get into it, you got to get out of it. (Hawkwind 1982)



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    #132
    Ashleigh1986
    Registered Users Posts: 672 ✭✭✭Ashleigh1986


    One of my earliest memories is my dads " GUINNESS FARTS "
    He drove a 3 row seater car .... Peugeot 506 .
    He drove most of our under 10 soccer team to games .
    Sweet Jesus I soon worked out when I saw him go for the window handle what was going to hit us next !!!
    There was no TUSLA in those days .


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    #133
    Roger Hassenforder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    Ashleigh1986 wrote: »
    One of my earliest memories is my dads " GUINNESS FARTS "
    He drove a 3 row seater car .... Peugeot 506 .
    He drove most of our under 10 soccer team to games .
    Sweet Jesus I soon worked out when I saw him go for the window handle what was going to hit us next !!!
    There was no TUSLA in those days .

    Fair play to him for opening the window, he didnt have to!


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    #134
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Roger Hassenforder wrote: »
    Fair play to him for opening the window, he didnt have to!

    Indeed, travelled with a lad to a golf course, both of us fed well afterwards, big steaks,onions,peas, good few pints as you did back in the day,cheesecake, and trifle for desert.

    Anyway my man was driving and about four miles out on the return journey, he looks at me, locks all the windows,and blows out what I can only describe as a low rumbling sonorous rifter of a fart which probably blistered the paint on the car roof. You could sew a fuhherking button on it.

    The stink was still in the car 20 minutes later when he relented and unlocked the windows.:mad:


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    #135
    Bus Boy
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭Bus Boy


    'Tis all hot air.


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    #136
    Ashleigh1986
    Registered Users Posts: 672 ✭✭✭Ashleigh1986


    True story
    Friend of a friend finally got the courage to ask this hot girl on a date .
    He wasn't feeling the " may west " coming up to it .
    They ended up going for a curry .
    After dinner she invited him back to hers .
    That's when it hit him.
    He was never as happy to see a toilet seat.
    Let rip and emptied his insides .
    Went for the jacks roll ... None ... Not even the inner cardboard .
    No facecloth ... No towel. Sweat pouring out of him .
    He spotted this lovely white bathrobe hanging on door.
    A desperate man does desperate things !!!
    He went downstairs where his hot date stood .
    When she turned around ... He knew she wasn't the same as before he went to the jacks .
    She pointed up to the ceiling and there on the glass roof was the white bathrobe with the obvious BROWN SLEEVE !!!!
    No words were said and out the gap he went !!!


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    #137
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Serves her right, should have at least have a copy of the North Dublin People handy.


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    #138
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,561 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Brendan Bendar wrote: »
    Serves her right, should have at least have a copy of the North Dublin People handy.

    First port of call when there’s no tat newspaper, magazine, or book of inspirational quotes is to ones own socks. The only dilemma is whether you use the inside or outside on the badge.

    That lad sounds like amateur or maybe someone fell asleep watching Podge & Rodge.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #139
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,113 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    EmmetSpiceland wrote: »
    First port of call when there’s no tat newspaper, magazine, or book of inspirational quotes is to ones own socks. The only dilemma is whether you use the inside or outside on the badge.

    That lad sounds like amateur or maybe someone fell asleep watching Podge & Rodge.

    Correct Emmet, lad was obviously an amateur as first thing in these situations is to check the ‘furniture’.

    Now if someone is tardy enough not to leave wiping material to hand is enemy action.

    On most houses the ‘hot press’ is on the landing and a good response, I find, is to pull out a bath towel preferably white, sluice a nice firm baton into the middle, wrap her up and bury in the back of the hot press.

    Tactic known as ‘melting’ .

    As in “Dude... got off with Sheena last night ..back to her place..had to evacuate but no frikken wipe rags”

    Other Dude “ Ya right ,hope you did a sour ‘melting’

    First dude” For sure, dude”.


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    #140
    Gwynplaine
    Registered Users Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭Gwynplaine


    A feed of Carling and Bulmers last night, followed by chips curry. The concoction that brewed inside me over night has led to toxic gas emitting from me today. I've had to go out of the room a few times. The wife is not impressed.


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    #141
    its_steve116
    Registered Users Posts: 2,415 ✭✭✭its_steve116




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    #142
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »
    Even funnier when you see his name is Trump!
    He trumped alright.


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    #143
    TomSweeney
    Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭TomSweeney


    JohhnyFlash you should have a weekly column ... somewhere.

    Pure Gold


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    #144
    SharpshooterTom
    Registered Users Posts: 3,017 ✭✭✭SharpshooterTom


    I farted in the library yesterday. Everyone could hear it.

    Librarian gave me a dirty look.


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    #145
    the purple tin
    Registered Users Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    There's the story about the badly hungover soldier on parade who was being inspected by the Queen and Prince Philip. Evil forces were conspiring in his gut, ructions, but he had to stand in place. Just as Liz arrives in front of him he loses control and lets rip a real window rattler.


    A furious Philip bellows 'You blasted ruffian! How dare you fart before my wife?'


    I'm sorry sir, the private replies meekly 'I didn't know it was her turn,'


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    #146
    gerrybbadd
    Registered Users Posts: 10,301 ✭✭✭✭gerrybbadd


    What is it about letting an absolute rasper go in the shower, that makes it smell so much more intense? In all fairness, its great craic letting it off, when the water is cascading betwixt the cheeks


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    #147
    Moomoomacshoe
    Registered Users Posts: 104 ✭✭Moomoomacshoe


    We are Fart-oo uptight!


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    #148
    JohnnyFlash
    Registered Users Posts: 7,055 ✭✭✭JohnnyFlash


    gerrybbadd wrote: »
    What is it about letting an absolute rasper go in the shower, that makes it smell so much more intense? In all fairness, its great craic letting it off, when the water is cascading betwixt the cheeks

    Gerry, only a fûcking animal farts in the shower. No offence. The fart molecules combine with the steam and seep into the grout between the tiles. It’s worse than smoking. You cannot get rid of the smell.


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    #149
    jaxxx
    Registered Users Posts: 3,230 ✭✭✭jaxxx


    Cows farts lead to more CO2 in the air right? But there are over 5x as many humans as cows. So our farts probably do more damage to the environment!


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    #150
    tayto lover
    Registered Users Posts: 51,580 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    jaxxx wrote: »
    Cows farts lead to more CO2 in the air right? But there are over 5x as many humans as cows. So our farts probably do more damage to the environment!

    It’s their belching that causes the trouble.


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    #151
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ThomasFlynn wrote: »
    I farted in the library yesterday. Everyone could hear it.

    Librarian gave me a dirty look.

    Which library?

    I used to work in the libraries... must ask my colleagues :D:D:D
    At least you didn’t leave sh1te on the shelves. I once wore out a whole shelf load of books because of finding it caked all over the shelf. Had to send in an official report to account for the mass disposal of books, and have the staff inspect all the shelves as that’s what antisocial people very occasionally do in libraries. And customers wondered why they weren’t getting due service for the rest of the day, until I told them what had happened.

    A long way from mere farting :D


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