Really Good Puns.

OwaynOTT · 13-10-2018 8:39am

Do you have any easy books on ventriloquism?
I think we have ventriloquism for dummies.

Not sure if it's a pun but I think it may be the best on the spot reaction I ever came up with.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 1:19pm

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10 tickles.

My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks.

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.

GarIT · 13-10-2018 2:15pm

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo is given before leaving the factory?

TestTickles

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 2:54pm

I like bowling.

Seriously, it’s right up my alley.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

But I lost my case.

What do you call a goat that’s lazy?

Billy Idle.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

Capt'n Midnight · 13-10-2018 2:56pm

If you have to kill a circus, go for the jugular.

pickarooney · 13-10-2018 3:01pm

spurious wrote: »

To be said in Scottish accent (preferably Glasgae).
Is that an eclair or a meringue?

Yer no wrang, it is an eclair

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-10-2018 3:10pm

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?

Billy Jean King.

Deja Boo · 14-10-2018 3:48am

What did the duvet say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-10-2018 2:33pm

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France?

He was in Sein.

I'm glad I know sign language.

It's pretty handy.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-10-2018 11:27am

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

evil_seed · 16-10-2018 12:49pm

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-10-2018 6:49pm

I went to the dentist without lunch, and he gave me a plate.

ToddyDoody · 16-10-2018 7:16pm

The doctor wanted a urine sample. I said 'you're taking the piss'

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-10-2018 7:45pm

When William joined the army he hated the phrase fire at will.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

decky1 · 16-10-2018 7:53pm

don't think Pun's are joke's as such as Graces7 said 'O-pun the door' that seems to me to be a Pun--not the long joke's?

Capt'n Midnight · 16-10-2018 8:33pm

Carnival - Myles Na Gopaleen

Keats and Chapman once lived near a church. There was a heavy debt on it. The pastor made many efforts to clear the debt by promoting raffles and the like, but was making little headway. He then heard of the popularity of these carnivals where you have roundabouts & fruit machines & shooting galleries. He thought to entertain the town with a week of this and hoped to make some money to reduce the debt.

He hired one of these outfits but with his diminutive financial status he could only induce a very third-rate company to come. All their machinery was old and broken. On the opening day, as the steam organ blared forth, the heavens opened and disgorged sheets of icy rain. The scene, with its drenched and tawdry trappings, assumed the gaiety of a morgue. Keats and Chapman waded from stall to stall soaked and disconsolate. Chapman (unwisely, perhaps) asked the poet what he thought of the fiesta.

“A fête worse than debt,” Keats said.

Chapman collapsed into a trough of mud.

looksee · 16-10-2018 10:08pm

decky1 wrote: »

don't think Pun's are joke's as such as Graces7 said 'O-pun the door' that seems to me to be a Pun--not the long joke's?

Thats possibly one of the few that isn't a pun

I don't get the eclaire one though - I can't do a scottish accent.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-10-2018 10:21pm

What if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world.

My friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.

16-10-2018 10:32pm

This wi-fi is healthy. It's high in fibre.

decky1 · 16-10-2018 10:36pm

looksee wrote: »

Thats possibly one of the few that isn't a pun

I don't get the eclaire one though - I can't do a scottish accent.

ah jesus now i don't know what a Pun is?:o:confused:

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 17-10-2018 8:17am

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his mother telephoned to ask how he was.
The nurse said there's no change yet.

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 19-10-2018 1:30pm

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

pekitivey · 24-10-2018 3:23pm

I went into Anne Summers and asked the cashier for a good thong.
She said "THHHURE, THWEEET DREAMTHHH ARE MADE OF THEEEETHHH WHO AM I TO DITHHHHHAGREEEEEE"

Not really a pun but pretty funny all the same!

super_furry · 24-10-2018 3:47pm

My dad entered an online pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Hammer89 · 24-10-2018 4:03pm

I met the guy who invented window sills yesterday. What a ledge.

whiskeyman · 24-10-2018 4:05pm

Hammer89 wrote: »

I met the guy who invented window sills yesterday. What a ledge.

I thought he was a right pane.

pekitivey · 24-10-2018 4:15pm

Hammer89 wrote: »

I met the guy who invented window sills yesterday. What a ledge.

whiskeyman wrote: »

I thought he was a right pane.

Ah stop, you could see straight through his antics.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 24-10-2018 5:23pm

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

So she gets a divorce.

Ipso · 24-10-2018 6:49pm

whiskeyman wrote: »

I thought he was a right pane.

Yeah, very transparent.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 24-10-2018 7:33pm

Ipso wrote: »

Yeah, very transparent.

I bet you could see right through him.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2018 11:33pm

A ship carrying cadmium red paint collided with one carrying ultramarine blue paint in the South China sea yesterday.

The survivors were marooned.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2018 11:35pm

KEATS AND ALL THAT

It is not generally known that…

Oh excuse me.

Keats and Chapman (in the old days) spent several months in the county Wicklow prospecting for ochre deposits. That was before the days of (your) modern devices for geological divination. With Keats and Chapman it was literally a case of smelling the stuff out. The pair of them sniffed their way into Glenmalure and out of it again, and then snuffled back to Woodenbridge. In a field of turnips near Avoca Keats suddenly got the pungent effluvium of a vast ochre mine and lay for hours face down in the muck delightedly permeating his nostrils with the perfume of hidden wealth. No less lucky was Chapman. He had nosed away in the direction of Newtonmountkennedy and came racing back shouting that he too had found a mine. He implored Keats to come and confirm his nasal diagnosis. Keats agreed. He accompanied Chapman to the site and lay down in the dirt to do his sniffing. Then he rose.

‘Great mines stink alike,’ he said.

pekitivey · 25-10-2018 9:05am

Ipso wrote: »

Yeah, very transparent.

natashaob6 wrote: »

I bet you could see right through him.

Both about two hours after i made this pun. LOL. Read the thread before you rob peoples puns :rolleyes:

blade1 · 25-10-2018 11:41am

pekitivey wrote: »

Both about two hours after i made this pun. LOL. Read the thread before you rob peoples puns :rolleyes:

So what's the Punishment?:D

pekitivey · 25-10-2018 1:44pm

blade1 wrote: »

So what's the Punishment?:D

Well played, you shall be sent to the state punitentiary

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 25-10-2018 6:01pm

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

Really Good Puns.

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