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Are there nice guys out there?

  • 18-11-2020 11:08am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

    Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?


«1

Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    I'm late twenties and single. The guys I have been meeting lately have been horrible.

    Over the summer, I met what thought was a nice guy. We met randomly outdoors in town, got chatting, he seemed nice and we swapped numbers. We organised a socially distanced date. Within five minutes of this date he just wanted to lock lips, he completely disregarded my feelings and why it wasn't safe to kiss with all that's going on with covid. He kept asking to go to a quiter park as well, which I didn't allow happen. He was horrible, I didn't want to turn on him right there and then in case he done something, so I made an excuse and told him I'd be in touch. The next day he messaged me saying I was nice but I need to change my style. So he didn't like me dressing in jeans and t-shirt and he's already trying to change me. I ignored his message and then another message came through on my phone asking was anyone home and he will call to my place. He didn't know where I lived and I didn't tell him. I told this guy to get lost and I blocked him.

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    Happen to be going through similar myself the last while (Male, 29) and it’s discouraging me from dating at the moment. A lot of weirdos out there.


  • #3
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Ah there are yeah but unfortunately as the old saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince!

    I will say that its really positive that you are seeing these red flags and not accepting such behaviour. That shows that you are valuing yourself, which is great because that is the only way to find someone who will value you.

    Its hard at the minute with COVID but I will say, that for me it was only when I was living my life, doing stuff I enjoyed, that I met someone through one of those hobbies. Now I won't say I wasn't looking, because I was of course always open to meeting someone, but that was not my main focus when I met him. So figure out what your hobbies are and continue doing them as much as you can in the current COVID world.


  • #4
    Jimmy Bottlehead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,121 ✭✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    So you've met two arseholes and you're now wondering if there are ANY men who aren't creepy?

    1) Date more
    2) Maybe be more selective about who you date, or investigate whether you missed or ignored some warning signs with these two.


  • #5
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Most guys are nice. You just met two clowns one after the other. Unfortunate but not uncommon.

    Try to watch your self-talk. Two guys does not mean "the norm." It should mean, "lol. What a clown. Next". Good that you're setting boundaries with eejits when you meet them. Keep doing that. You'll probably meet more down the line. Consider it a gift of time - you will know pretty early when someone is not worth any further investment.


  • #6
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    On the one hand its good you find this stuff out early so you don't waste anymore time with them.

    But I wonder are you giving them a fair chance? Guy 2 asking why you were on Wassap at 3am....that seems like a fair question to me.


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  • #7
    This is it
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,690 ✭✭✭This is it


    eviltwin wrote: »
    On the one hand its good you find this stuff out early so you don't waste anymore time with them.

    But I wonder are you giving them a fair chance? Guy 2 asking why you were on Wassap at 3am....that seems like a fair question to me.

    Probably depends on the context of the question.

    "What were you doing on what's app at 3am?"

    None of your business, I'd be saying.

    "I saw on what's app you were online at 3am, what had you up that late!? You must be wrecked today?"

    Not as bad, but still...


  • #8
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    This is it wrote: »
    Probably depends on the context of the question.

    "What were you doing on what's app at 3am?"

    None of your business, I'd be saying.

    "I saw on what's app you were online at 3am, what had you up that late!? You must be wrecked today?"

    Not as bad, but still...

    Demanding to know is one thing but I wonder was it just making conversation.


  • #9
    sugarman20
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 266 ✭✭sugarman20


    This is it wrote: »
    No, we're all creepy.

    Some of us are just better are hiding it! Seriously though OP, keep dating. It can just take a while.


  • #10
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    datesgowrong wrote: »

    Then over the past few weeks, I was messaging someone that I met online. We hadn't met yet due to the covid restrictions. Then he questioned me on why I was on WhatsApp one night bat 3am. To me that sounded like something that a controlling person would do. Watch when I was online and question how I was online at 3am. I told this guy to get lost as well.

    Are there non creepy guys out there?

    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..


  • #11
    NickNickleby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭NickNickleby


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..

    Why have you got strangers on your WhatsApp? Only use texts or phone calls till you're sure.

    As for all the creeps, just bad luck I'd say. Just be careful, theres loads of nice chaps out there, you WILL meet one, recognise and dump the oddball as soon as you spot them.

    It'll be fine, dont panic.


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  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    Oh dear, he asked you one wrong question and you freaked out? Lucky escape for him id say..

    Had I sent him a message a 3 in the morning, it would be a reasonable question to ask. He saw I was online at 3am and asked me why I was up so late. I feel that is a question that a controlling person would ask.


  • #13
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Maybe asking why you were up so late was just a bit of banter that got lost in the cold look of a text?

    Of course there are nice guys out there. Don't give up because you didn't click with 2 guys.


  • #14
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,920 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    NickNickleby wrote: »
    Why have you got strangers on your WhatsApp? Only use texts or phone calls till you're sure.

    If someone has your number and has WhatsApp then there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop them seeing your "last seen" times unless you disable that feature altogether, which means you then can't use it either.

    OP, I think you're just discovering that it's a really weird and difficult time to be dating. I've personally put a pause on even attempting it for the time being because trying to navigate the whole thing - meeting up, what to do on a date, what if they want to kiss - is just all too much. Perhaps you might be better off just forgetting about it for a while?


  • #15
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,146 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    Had I sent him a message a 3 in the morning, it would be a reasonable question to ask. He saw I was online at 3am and asked me why I was up so late. I feel that is a question that a controlling person would ask.

    Not really. Sounds like he was up too and started a conversation. Unless there was more to the message. Did you answer him?


  • #16
    NickNickleby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,826 ✭✭✭NickNickleby


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    If someone has your number and has WhatsApp then there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop them seeing your "last seen" times unless you disable that feature altogether, which means you then can't use it either.

    Ahhh, thanks for that. I thought you could only see other people on WhatsApp if they 'accepted' you.


  • #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    stargazer 68 wrote: »
    Not really. Sounds like he was up too and started a conversation. Unless there was more to the message. Did you answer him?

    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.


  • #18
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.

    I have asked this before simply because I was curious, never caused offence. Some people might take it as nothing more as someone being interested in them.
    You might want to reflect if you have a habit of quickly assuming intentions ...

    I am guilty of that myself but I am aware of it


  • #19
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.


    I think this is more you taking offence at a comment. Based on one comment alone you can’t judge a guy as controlling, that’s unfair.

    To answer your question there are nice guys out there if you give them a chance. Most men are decent, just be a bit more chill.


  • #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    He wasn't up at the same time and asked me then. I was up at 3am browsing through my phone as you do. The morning came and went. I didn't hear from him until the evening and he asked why was I up so late. I asked him how he knew I was up late and he said he checked WhatsApp in the morning and saw the last seen.

    I really don't care about who sees my last seen but questioning me on it is bothering me.

    Sounds like he was just making conversation to me.


  • #21
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »
    So you've met two arseholes and you're now wondering if there are ANY men who aren't creepy?

    1) Date more
    2) Maybe be more selective about who you date, or investigate whether you missed or ignored some warning signs with these two.

    Im assuming these are 2 recent examples, not the only 2 men she has dated. It generally takes a little bit of time before red flags become apparent. They don't wear a sign on their head.


    OP ive been dating since I was 14 and have met so many men that you describe, consistently one after another. I have such bad luck when it comes to meeting and attracting men. I used to be like you and give them the benefit of the doubt or be polite to them, I didnt want to hurt their feelings, I was fearful of how they might react but mostly I felt so much pressure from other people in my life to give these men a chance and to be nice to them.

    As I got older I realised that its nobody's business whether I am nice or raging bitch to these men and it doesn't define me either way, it's also nobodies business if I am single or who I want or don't want to date.
    Just because a man is interested in you, youre under no obligation to give him a chance.
    When the first man tried to kiss you after 5 minutes and tried to bring you to a 'quieter' park. This is the time to leave, these are red flags, next time dont make excuses for him or try to be nice, just get out. Fuk his feelings and what he'll think of you, you owe him nothing and that includes your niceness and respect. In this situation the only person you owe those things to are yourself.
    The most important lesson I learned in the last 10/15 years of dating is to stop being nice to them, they don't deserve it.

    There are nice, genuine men out there but id suggest working on yourself and becoming the best version of you. The rest will fall into place.


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  • #22
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Yes there are millions of them. They just don't get as much air times as the creeps. People generally it just remember the small number of weirdos more. We never remember the really nice guys we went on a date with but just weren't attracted. Nothing wrong with them but lacked something. They aren't remembered or talked about. Everyone talks about the horror stories.

    The first guy especially is no loss. He's also no reflection on you. Forget about him.

    If you got one flat tyre, would you replace all 4 wheels nope. Same thing, just cos one is bad doesn't mean they all are.


  • #23
    Kraftwerk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 472 ✭✭Kraftwerk


    First guy sounds like a tool. Second guy sounds like he's had a lucky escape if you're online calling him creepy and controlling for asking if you had a late night.


  • #24
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Yes there are millions of them. They just don't get as much air times as the creeps. People generally it just remember the small number of weirdos more. We never remember the really nice guys we went on a date with but just weren't attracted. Nothing wrong with them but lacked something. They aren't remembered or talked about. Everyone talks about the horror stories.

    The first guy especially is no loss. He's also no reflection on you. Forget about him.

    If you got one flat tyre, would you replace all 4 wheels nope. Same thing, just cos one is bad doesn't mean they all are.

    I think the creeps and weirdos are more likely to be over confident while also being completely unaware or not concerned with how the other person feels or is responding to them. They put themselves 'out there' without acknowledging if their feelings are being returned. They dont care if they are or not, the other persons feelings dont come into it for them as its all about themselves and getting what they want.


  • #25
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    I think the creeps and weirdos are more likely to be over confident while also being completely unaware or not concerned with how the other person feels or is responding to them. They put themselves 'out there' without acknowledging if their feelings are being returned. They dont care if they are or not, the other persons feelings dont come into it for them as its all about themselves and getting what they want.

    The only ones you’d want to be worried about should be the ones who adapt and seem perfect because you give them all the cues needed. No creep factor then until you’re already in the middle of it.


  • #26
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    The only ones you’d want to be worried about should be the ones who adapt and seem perfect because you give them all the cues needed. No creep factor then until you’re already in the middle of it.

    No ones perfect and its very hard to fake a genuine connection and empathy beyond a few dates, thankfully the type you describe is rare.


  • #27
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    No ones perfect and its very hard to fake a genuine connection and empathy beyond a few dates, thankfully the type you describe is rare.

    It’s surprisingly easy actually, hence my warning.
    Be weary of someone who seems “too good to be true”, we are.

    Ops reaction to a mere question was wirklich totally over the top


  • #28
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,568 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    To answer the op, yes there are nice guys out there. The only problem for her is we’re all in our 40’s now :(


  • #29
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,478 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    Do you not have enough life experience at this stage to know that there are all sorts out there, I'm sure you know lots of good people and happy couples yourself? Does that not suggest that there mostly decent people out there?


  • #30
    Segotias
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭Segotias


    I'd take from this that you read the red flags and opted out. Whether people agree they both had red flags is irrelevant, to you they were red flags and you followed your gut.

    I'm in my early 40's and I'm still seeing if there are any nice decent blokes out there, you have plenty of time, stick with your gut and have fun while you're at it


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  • #31
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,393 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Do you text each other through WhatsApp? Is it not possible he went to text you, saw you were "last seen" at 3am and was just making conversation?

    If one of your friends, or siblings, or parents etc asked the same thing would you think they were controlling?

    I agree that you do need to trust your gut. But even your title is defensive. Of course there are nice guys out there. But if you think there's not, then you will continue to encounter those who are not.

    What I mean is, you won't see the good in people because you'll be too busy looking for the negatives.


  • #32
    Sonic the Shaghog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 650 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    You know while you were right on the first lad who obviously just wanted sex I am getting the impression that you are so "aware" and looking for red flags and inappropriate behaviour you're at risk of taking lots of stuff the wrong way

    Have you had an abusive relationship in the past?


  • #33
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    I understand where you're coming from Op and I wouldn't like that WhatsApp either and would also wonder if its a sign of control however, I've been in a horrible abusive relationship in the past so I'm hyper sensitive to any indication of control. As a once of comment I would have given him a chance, he could easily have just been making an innocent observation.
    If your gut reaction was that something was off about him fair enough but maybe next time give a guy a bit more credit and benefit of the doubt.
    There are of course many great men out there Op. These negative experiences knock us and make us question everything but best to dust yourself off and get back in the game.


  • #34
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Whether your on whatsapp at 3 am or 3 pm is no one's business but yours.

    They are plenty of creepy guys out there. You just have to keep looking and the right guy will show some day.

    Listen to your gut about guys like this, none of them are worth your time.
    Good luck


  • #35
    completedit
    Registered Users Posts: 2,639 ✭✭✭completedit


    The non-creepy guys aren't gonna be the ones making moves on girls. Really not sure what guys are to do? Your man was obviously just flirting with you. It's unconventional to be up at that time so he was hoping for some flirty texts back. Don't see how that could possibly be interpreted any other way.


  • #36
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    datesgowrong wrote: »

    Are there non creepy guys out there?


    Of course.

    But you have to have .....erm ..how to say this.

    A standard filter.

    Filter them out ...and get to know someone before you actually start dating them.

    You have to have really strict standards of behavior at first for BOTH guys and girls ..because everyone is on their BEST behavior at the beginning.
    Don't see how that could possibly be interpreted any other way

    I think the op is implying there is another context for the creepy vibes as there always is.

    There is HEY why are you up so late :p? Great to see you ..imma night owl myself.

    And ....why you are up so late ? thats weird ...get a hobby ...why can't you sleep ..you seem like one of those girls who doesn't smile ..etc etc.

    Its all context.

    IMO this generation of guys and girls don't take their safety seriously enough. We shouldnt be talking to strangers and randoms. Our parents didn't usually.


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  • #37
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,830 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    A lot of it depends on what you consider to be nice and what you consider to be creepy to be honest and where your standards lie.


  • #38
    ThunbergsAreGo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,399 ✭✭✭✭ThunbergsAreGo


    Datesgowrong wrote: »
    Had I sent him a message a 3 in the morning, it would be a reasonable question to ask. He saw I was online at 3am and asked me why I was up so late. I feel that is a question that a controlling person would ask.

    This is an outlook I feel someone looking for a fault would say. You can't infer that from one message


  • #39
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,393 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    Whether your on whatsapp at 3 am or 3 pm is no one's business but yours.

    It's a point of conversation. Should he not ask you what you are up to today either, as that's nobody's business but your owm.

    What are "safe", non creepy, non controlling, non threatening topics that it's OK for a man to mention in the early days?

    I have commented on friends being online at the wee hours. They've commented on me being online. We've laughed that we'll text each other the next time for a chat, see if the other is up. It's inane chatter. It generally means nothing.

    Maybe you're not ready to date yet OP. Your past hurt is still very much to the forefront of your mind and it is colouring all your interactions and making you suspicious of everyone.

    First fella was pushy. You were right to put a stop to him. Second fella, from the small bit of information you have given, was making conversation and you overreacted.


  • #40
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    With the second guy, where does it end? If he asks you "how was your day" or "are you doing anything for the weekend" do you respond "none of your business" ?

    All that will do is scare off any normal men and all you will have left are creeps and weirdos.

    I think you need to take a break from dating for a while and work out for yourself a normal way to interact with people.


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    With the second guy, where does it end? If he asks you "how was your day" or "are you doing anything for the weekend" do you respond "none of your business" ?

    All that will do is scare off any normal men and all you will have left are creeps and weirdos.

    I think you need to take a break from dating for a while and work out for yourself a normal way to interact with people.

    Actually I should probably give more context here, but I was too shocked with how it all went.

    I was awake and on my phone at 3am. It wasn't until 11pm that he questioned why I was quite and not texting. I was working late. No how are you, no how was your day. Then straight in to why I was up so late last night. That to me sounded like something a controlling person would do or say. Couldn't care less about my day but questioned me on why I wasn't texting him and why I was up at 3am.


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  • #42
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    Actually I should probably give more context here, but I was too shocked with how it all went.

    I was awake and on my phone at 3am. It wasn't until 11pm that he questioned why I was quite and not texting. I was working late. No how are you, no how was your day. Then straight in to why I was up so late last night. That to me sounded like something a controlling person would do or say. Couldn't care less about my day but questioned me on why I wasn't texting him and why I was up at 3am.

    I'm surprised at some of the reactions on here OP and I completely agree with you that it comes across controlling. I would never ask anyone why they were online so late.
    My sister sent me a message a few months ago saying " hungover today?" and when I asked why she said I saw you were last on WhatsApp at 4am. Pissed me off bigtime!
    If the guy messaged at 3am and said something like..so insomnia got you too? Or something like that then itd be different. It's the fact that he checked your last seen and was obviously a bit curious and asked you about it. Red flag for me too.
    It's very different to asking how was your day or how was your night. I totally get you Op.


  • #43
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,830 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    datesgowrong wrote: »
    Actually I should probably give more context here, but I was too shocked with how it all went.

    I was awake and on my phone at 3am. It wasn't until 11pm that he questioned why I was quite and not texting. I was working late. No how are you, no how was your day. Then straight in to why I was up so late last night. That to me sounded like something a controlling person would do or say. Couldn't care less about my day but questioned me on why I wasn't texting him and why I was up at 3am.

    I’ve being asked similar questions before and people came just right out with.
    You can consider it controlling if you want. You’ll probably take a while longer to meet somebody that your happy with if you consider this controlling behavior.


  • #44
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Big Gunz welcome to PI. There is a certain standard of posting required here, where posters are asked to give constructive advice to an OP when replying to their thread.

    Please read the Charter before posting again.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #45
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    eviltwin wrote: »
    On the one hand its good you find this stuff out early so you don't waste anymore time with them.

    But I wonder are you giving them a fair chance? Guy 2 asking why you were on Wassap at 3am....that seems like a fair question to me.
    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    It's a point of conversation. Should he not ask you what you are up to today either, as that's nobody's business but your owm.

    What are "safe", non creepy, non controlling, non threatening topics that it's OK for a man to mention in the early days?

    I have commented on friends being online at the wee hours. They've commented on me being online. We've laughed that we'll text each other the next time for a chat, see if the other is up. It's inane chatter. It generally means nothing.

    Maybe you're not ready to date yet OP. Your past hurt is still very much to the forefront of your mind and it is colouring all your interactions and making you suspicious of everyone.

    First fella was pushy. You were right to put a stop to him. Second fella, from the small bit of information you have given, was making conversation and you overreacted.

    I find these comments quite naive.

    I would also find it weird to be questioned about what I was doing online at 3am by a man I'd never met. In a dating context, that sort of talk really means 'were you up late chatting to a man?' He's not her friend or her relative and it's none of his business what hours she keeps.

    In my long dating experience, the majority of men on dating apps are NOT decent. The apps aren't representative of the wider population - they tend to attract a lot of bad eggs, commitmentphobes looking for flings, etc. You absolutely have to be on your guard and looking out for red flags. I think the OP seems very switched on and it's really disappointing to see a thread full of people mostly advising her not to go with her gut instinct. She might well have ended up being raped if she'd gone off with the first guy, and I think she's right about the second one as well - grilling a woman you've been talking to on a dating app about why she was online late at night is weirdly entitled and controlling behaviour. I think if he'd asked in a normal/friendly way, she would have said so.

    I don't think OP is doing anything wrong here - she's seeing red flags and responded to them accordingly, which is exactly what she should be doing. Trying to ignore your gut instinct because you feel you should 'give someone a chance' is exactly how people end up in abusive relationships.


  • #46
    freshpopcorn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,830 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »

    I think she's right about the second one as well - grilling a woman you've been talking to on a dating app about why she was online late at night is weirdly entitled and controlling behaviour. I think if he'd asked in a normal/friendly way, she would have said so.

    He asked a question it’s not exactly giving somebody a grilling.


  • #47
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    lainey_d_123 wrote: »
    I find these comments quite naive.

    I would also find it weird to be questioned about what I was doing online at 3am by a man I'd never met. In a dating context, that sort of talk really means 'were you up late chatting to a man?' He's not her friend or her relative and it's none of his business what hours she keeps.

    In my long dating experience, the majority of men on dating apps are NOT decent. The apps aren't representative of the wider population - they tend to attract a lot of bad eggs, commitmentphobes looking for flings, etc. You absolutely have to be on your guard and looking out for red flags. I think the OP seems very switched on and it's really disappointing to see a thread full of people mostly advising her not to go with her gut instinct. She might well have ended up being raped if she'd gone off with the first guy, and I think she's right about the second one as well - grilling a woman you've been talking to on a dating app about why she was online late at night is weirdly entitled and controlling behaviour. I think if he'd asked in a normal/friendly way, she would have said so.

    I don't think OP is doing anything wrong here - she's seeing red flags and responded to them accordingly, which is exactly what she should be doing. Trying to ignore your gut instinct because you feel you should 'give someone a chance' is exactly how people end up in abusive relationships.

    Someone sees you online at 3am and asks what you were doing up....now that can be controlling if its demanded but it can also be a very casual comment. A way of making conversation, doesn't mean he actually cares that she was online but its an easy way of starting a chat.

    Either way I don't think anyone can say anything about the guy's intentions but to label him as potentially abusive or controlling is ridiculous. Its unfair too. I personally don't judge people on one single text because I know that sometimes things get lost in translation and I prefer to get a bigger picture. I don't believe that's naive, I think that's pretty normal for most people unless they have a reason to be hyper sensitive to this kind of comment or there is more to the conversation that she is saying.

    I suppose in this new era of disposable dating its easy to discard people who you think are off but I think maybe get to talk to someone face to face or at least on the phone before you decide to label them.


  • #48
    Porklife
    Registered Users Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    There is more to it though eviltwin. She has said he didn't ask how her day was or anything, at 11pm the following night he straight out asked why she was online at 3am. Massive red flag in my opinion.
    It's not making inane conversation, there are many ways to start a chat but asking about her online timeline is a sign of controlling behaviour to come.
    Control starts of small with things like this and gradually builds up over time. My immediate reaction when I read this thread was steer clear and well done on seeing that to the OP.


  • #49
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Porklife wrote: »
    There is more to it though eviltwin. She has said he didn't ask how her day was or anything, at 11pm the following night he straight out asked why she was online at 3am. Massive red flag in my opinion.
    It's not making inane conversation, there are many ways to start a chat but asking about her online timeline is a sign of controlling behaviour to come.
    Control starts of small with things like this and gradually builds up over time. My immediate reaction when I read this thread was steer clear and well done on seeing that to the OP.

    If that's her gut feeling she's right to go with it. I'm just saying that no one can label this guy and its not stupid or niave to give someone the benefit of the doubt sometimes.


  • #50
    cloudatlas
    Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    eviltwin wrote: »
    If that's her gut feeling she's right to go with it. I'm just saying that no one can label this guy and its not stupid or niave to give someone the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

    Let's face it. What he really wanted to ask was 'who were you messaging at 3 a.m?' but he wasn't able to ask that so he tried to make a little dig at it.

    Yeah O.P. you made the right choice there, it's none of his business if you were and who you are chatting to.


  • #51
    lainey_d_123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭lainey_d_123


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Someone sees you online at 3am and asks what you were doing up....now that can be controlling if its demanded but it can also be a very casual comment. A way of making conversation, doesn't mean he actually cares that she was online but its an easy way of starting a chat.

    Either way I don't think anyone can say anything about the guy's intentions but to label him as potentially abusive or controlling is ridiculous. Its unfair too. I personally don't judge people on one single text because I know that sometimes things get lost in translation and I prefer to get a bigger picture. I don't believe that's naive, I think that's pretty normal for most people unless they have a reason to be hyper sensitive to this kind of comment or there is more to the conversation that she is saying.

    I suppose in this new era of disposable dating its easy to discard people who you think are off but I think maybe get to talk to someone face to face or at least on the phone before you decide to label them.

    This is actually pretty dangerous advice.

    Gut feelings are there for a reason. It's far better to be overly cautious of them than not cautious enough. What's the worst case scenario in assuming the worst of someone? You don't date them and potentially miss out on a good relationship. What's the worst case scenario in assuming the best of a person? You end up dating someone controlling and abusive. I have never, ever overlooked at a red flag in someone and had it end well.

    I wonder how much actual dating experience the people saying OP has overreacted have got? I've been online dating on and off for nearly 12 years and that question about her being up at 3am set off an alarm bell for me. It's basically a veiled way of asking if she's talking to other men late at night and would be a definite red flag for controlling behaviour. I've overlooked this sort of thing in the past and it always escalated to more entitled, controlling behaviour.


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