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Not coping with extreme stress in new job

  • 17-12-2019 12:32pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all

    Im feeling totally lost and trapped at the moment so would apprciate any insights from anyone has gone through something similar. Im a male eaely 30s and recently started a new job in a professional services firm. I was really looking forward to it and while I did expect it to be tough and hours unpredictable at times given the nature of the work Iv been living a nightmare since I started. Hours are crazy late, working weekends, little to no direction from superiors and no settling in period whatsoever. Im only there 6 weeks and I know 100% its not for me and that its not really going to improve. I cantgo out sick or on stress leave as Ill be unpaid while on probationary period and I feel like I cant quit as it would look unusual and possibly harm my future chance of getting a job. Saying that I genuinely wont have time to look for a new job while there given the demands. Just feeling so stuck, stressed, trapped and lost!


Comments

  • #2
    TheBlock
    Registered Users Posts: 596 ✭✭✭TheBlock


    Stick it out as long as you can but if you can afford to leave just go. Nothing is more valuable than your mental health.

    It's an employees market at the moment gaps in employment can be explained.


  • #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,758 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    unless you have a pattern of not sticking out jobs this one wont be an issue. It might prompt a question at interview but is easily explained if there is not a pattern of find out the position is not for you & leaving jobs after short periods. So apply away, and land your next job before quitting.

    The only other observation id make, is that perhaps you can ask yourself if you did research & asked the right kind of questions at interview process to assess if the job was right for you. Last position i was offered i declined due to red flags in their answers. Only you can answer that but if there is a lesson to be learned it might stand you in good stead going forward.

    If you are moving for just money you should stick this out until something better comes along. If you are looking for a job that's a good fit for you then weigh up the intangibles like a good relationship with your boss, co-workers, working from home if needs be, flexibility on time off, etc.


  • #4
    banoffe2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    Sounds like this job is not a good fit for you OP and not going to improve. Plenty jobs out there now, wishing you the very best of luck, no job is worth putting your mental health at risk. Sounds as though there is nothing good in the job for you.


  • #5
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Some of the advice on this thread might be helpful:

    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058019617


  • #6
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,282 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I was in a very similar position years ago. The mistake I made was hanging in there month after month fooling myself it would get better.
    I was too worried to resign thinking I'd leave them in the lurch, I laugh at that now.
    Honestly, nothing is worth your mental health suffering.
    If you resigned, you won't get social welfare for a few weeks but if you can suck that up for a few weeks, I'd get out now because I know exactly what you mean about not having time to apply for jobs in a role like that. It consumes you. I actually had more money than ever in the role I'm referring to because I was too stressed to go anywhere or buy myself anything extra!
    I was even on good money in the job but what I put myself and my family through with my moods wasn't worth any of it.
    I had no issues in a subsequent interview about why I left. I just said the role wasn't suitable for my personality type (it was working on my own all day which didn't suit me either). You can always get around this question without lying or being over honest.
    Get a reference if you can and leave on good terms.
    Best of luck.

    To thine own self be true



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  • #7
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,573 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Did you leave your last job on good terms? If so then just resign and write this one off your CV. Take a break for Christmas and start job hunting in Jan.


  • #8
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,202 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    My father gave advice to someone in your situation recently.

    It was this 'stand up for yourself and your rights'.

    You are not paid to be there after hrs and at weekends. The odd occasion is ok.

    Tell them you have responsibilities at home. You need to leave at a given time.

    They can't fire you for that.

    You are naive ..and they are taking advantage of that. They probably know someone else wouldn't put up with it.

    They probably expecting you to say something at some point too.

    Leave when you are supposed to.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for all the replies, I really do appreciate it.

    I'm still in the role and its getting worse by the day. I know what i have to do for my health - quit but Im so worried about quitting with no job lined up. Iv been onto a recruiter ans hopefully I'll get something more suitable bit it could take a while. Iv also been to see my GP and a counsellor.

    The biggest thing holding me back is that im worried how it will affect me in future interviews etc as the partner I work for is very connected in other businesses that id be lilely to interview in. I feel like going in and saying 'I cant do this anymore- its not for me' as im in the toilets deep brrathing for a lot of the day as Im so out of my depth and dont even want to work a notice period. I cant really do this as aim worried il be seen as weak potentially when looking for new roles etc. My other alternative is to buy myself some space to breathe by going out sick but I wont get paid as on probation and that wont solve my problem either.

    I know Ill get out at some point but at this point i cant even face coming back on Monday.

    Thanks for listening.


  • #10
    Upforthematch
    Registered Users Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭Upforthematch


    Burnout87 wrote: »
    Thanks for all the replies, I really do appreciate it.

    I'm still in the role and its getting worse by the day. I know what i have to do for my health - quit but Im so worried about quitting with no job lined up. Iv been onto a recruiter ans hopefully I'll get something more suitable bit it could take a while. Iv also been to see my GP and a counsellor.

    The biggest thing holding me back is that im worried how it will affect me in future interviews etc as the partner I work for is very connected in other businesses that id be lilely to interview in. I feel like going in and saying 'I cant do this anymore- its not for me' as im in the toilets deep brrathing for a lot of the day as Im so out of my depth and dont even want to work a notice period. I cant really do this as aim worried il be seen as weak potentially when looking for new roles etc. My other alternative is to buy myself some space to breathe by going out sick but I wont get paid as on probation and that wont solve my problem either.

    I know Ill get out at some point but at this point i cant even face coming back on Monday.

    Thanks for listening.

    My suggestion... don't come back on Monday. Spend the day talking to recruiters. Your views on your partner's influence is bordering on paranoia. Don't forget, your partner doesn't *care* about you enough to destroy your career. All youre doing at the moment is destroying your health. For what?


  • #11
    Tiddlypeeps
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    You should take the sick leave route if you can at all afford to. You can apply for illness benefit so it should take a least some of the sting out of it. By sticking around you are not in the best position to find a new job. You won't be able to effectively look or interview due to time constraints and energy levels and when you do get into an interview you won't be putting your best self forward because you can't just switch off that level of stress for an hour for an interview. It will impact your performance making it harder to land a job.


    Ireland is at full employment at the moment, it shouldn't take you long to land something else.


    You can either leave this job off your resume and deal with the gap (which isn't even that long) or put it on there and be honest in interviews if they ask why you left so soon after starting. It wasn't a good fit and you don't want a job where you have to work 7 days a week. If that causes them to reject you then it's a job you don't want anyway as they likely have a similar work culture to where you are now.


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  • #12
    ldy4mxonucwsq6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,537 ✭✭✭ldy4mxonucwsq6


    You should leave, tell them you found something that suits you better in terms of hours or location etc (that way no bridges burned in that sector).

    Leave the job off your CV.

    Life is way to short to have to face this every day. Don't ring in sick, that will just delay the inevitable plus that is more likely to impact your reputation rather than just leaving.

    As far as I know, if your contract doesn't have a minimum notice period and you are there less than 13 weeks then you don't have to give any notice.


  • #13
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Sylas Juicy Advertisement wrote: »
    You should leave, tell them you found something that suits you better in terms of hours or location etc (that way no bridges burned in that sector).

    Leave the job off your CV.

    Life is way to short to have to face this every day.
    +1. Nothing is worth being so miserable.
    Give yourself breathing space, and look around for a different job, even in a different sector. It might not be ideal, but it would be better than living in such dread, every day, in my opinion.


  • #14
    Sunrise_Sunset
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,215 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was in an absolute nightmare of a company. Early starts & late finishes every day, extremely stressful working conditions, unmanageable workload, unreasonable deadlines etc.
    After 6 months I walked out. Management talked me into coming back. Worst mistake ever. After another 6 months I walked out again. I did keep it on my CV because I ended up hanging in there for a year. I went straight into office temping and ended up in a completely different industry, and being made permanent there after a few weeks of temping. I absolutely loved it. I wish I had left that stressful job a lot sooner. I lost a serious amount of weight, I had stomach problems, anxiety, the works. It took me quite a while to get back to myself after this. My advice would be to get out of that job as soon as possible. If you can get another job lined up or if there is an option to temp, I would take it.


  • #15
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    First of all, make sure you dont say "this job is not for me" to your employer.
    Tell them that is is because of the work/life balance as well as any other issue you are actually having.
    These days employers are taking the piss and when people say "this job is not for me" it could seem like "i am not tough enough to do this".
    You should use words that describe the job for what it is.

    If you can not afford to resign, keep at it until you get an interview than you take an unpaid sick leave.
    I suspect it will not make sense to complain about the long hours because other people might be doing it.
    It could only make then suspect that you are not happy in the job and make plans to ditch you before you ditch them.
    Active pursue the job search in your spare time.


  • #16
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,282 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I hear what you're saying about your employer being a partner in that industry but to be honest is any other company in that industry going to be any better for you?
    You might need to look at a totally different area.

    To thine own self be true



  • #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks again for the replies. I'm going to spend the evening online looking at any opportunities and get back to emails from my recruiter etc. I genuinely dont think I can go in tomorrow so might take a few days sick leave which will be unpaid if I can get an appointment with my GP. I dont know if I should say its stress/anxiety related as Im so new and a bit worried about how that would go down or incase it would get out to future prospective employers. I have a one month notice period and I definitely will not be able to work it all as Iv been in floods of tears all morning at the thought of even returning to the office tomorrow. Feel like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place as it could take a while to get something new but can't really go on in my current state. I think Im so overwhelmed as I havent ever had any similar problems in work before thankfully. Thanks for the replies here...its all helpful to hear people's experiences and advice.


  • #18
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,914 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    I agree with the last post.Making a big assunption about the type of industry you are in, and to be honest, if that company is like that, surely most of the others are too?Maybe a slight change of direction is needed...??


  • #19
    banoffe2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    hi OP . Glad you have made a decision, it sounds unbearable and its time to go,fair play to you for sticking it out this long, well done, and also for going back after Xmas, knowing what you were facing, youve tried your best and its time to move on.
    As other posters have said your experience with this company is an eye opener and applying to sister company possibly end up with same result/outcome for you,

    The next job may not be the perfect job but if you could anything to tide you over even short term to allow you to recover and restore your confidence there would be nothing wrong with it.

    Most GPs are understanding and if you are honest with him/her he will write something on the Cert that will cover you, don't worry too much about it, you are in control now and you have make the decision, you are not going back, you dont have to put it on your CV and reciters are dealing with this every day of the week.

    you mind yourself OP, you are the no 1 person here, I wish you the very best, these things happen, the good thing is we have choices, upwards and onwards

    You can do this, experience is our greatest teacher, don't see it as a failure but an opportunity to learn and grow. XX

    keep in touch you don't have to go through this on your own xx


  • #20
    Fakediamond
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,055 ✭✭✭Fakediamond


    Hi OP, well done for putting your mental and physical health above your employer’s need to put profits before people.

    I know you haven’t said what industry you’re in, but there are a few that are known for this kind of carry-on. I used to work in the high-tech sector and they treated people like that, especially in the start-up phase. They didn’t give a damn about our lives outside work, family life etc. Mostly the problem was due to chaotic managers and growth exceeding expectations, which made forward planning for the business needs impossible.

    A friend’s daughter set her heart on one of the high profile law firms when she qualified as a solicitor and couldn’t be dissuaded, even though the high starting salary was a clue to what they expected in return. Like you, she spent a lot of time in the toilet crying as the pace was so brutal and the culture was ruthless and unsupportive. She worked from 7.00 a.m. until 9/10.00 p.m. on most days. They also expected staff to socialise on occasion after work! She stuck it out for over a year, then left and has not been able to work as a solicitor, or at anything else since because they broke her spirit and confidence.

    What is happening to you is not your fault, but as a result of rubbish employers, who haven’t a clue how to manage or motivate employees and only care about the bottom line. If you’re unsure what to do next, get any old job for now to pay the bills, while you think about what you want for yourself.


  • #21
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,365 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Please do make sure to get an appointment with your GP. Talk it out, and take time out.

    As I and others have suggested, look for something different for a while. It might not be ideal, but what is happening where you are now, is destroying your confidence and health.

    You can omit this job from your CV, if needs be, as has also been suggested upthread. I do understand what you mean about word getting around/ partner where you are now being influential, but, in your distressed state, you may be overthinking that aspect.

    You are probably not the first to have found the place difficult and you won't be the last.

    All the best.


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  • #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HildaOgdenx wrote: »
    You can omit this job from your CV

    This is definitely true. If you 'hung on' for 6 months, it would need a much bigger stickie-plaster.

    I've had two jobs where I could have posted what you did. I don't know how places with such rotten cultures exist sustainably but I had these two jobs back to back. My experience is that you should just go rather making yourself ill. I've been unemployed for an extended time as a result of the treatment I received but when I think about all the evenings and weekends I worked FOC to face abuse I did, I just shiver and realise I'm still better off now.


  • #23
    ldy4mxonucwsq6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,537 ✭✭✭ldy4mxonucwsq6


    I only lasted 6 weeks in a role once, I just knew I couldn't do the job for the foreseeable and so I kept up the job search and luckily was offered something different elsewhere which I took.

    I felt terrible leaving so soon and was really embarrassed about the whole thing. Culture and people were great, it was just the work itself.

    I left that one off my cv, but felt it was better to just give my notice than to waste more time training and stressing for a job I just knew I wasn't going to stay in. If I had stayed on longer it would have been worse.

    You need to put yourself first and even if the experience has taught you about what you DONT want to do then you will have gained from it.


  • #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP here, resurrecting this thread over a year later. I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I said it would be good or someone might find it helpful to do an update.

    I eventually handed in my notice and quit the job in March of last year the week before covid struck. Sadly I've been unemployed since as I worked as an Aviation/M&A lawyer and the industry took a total nosedive and a number of people that worked in jobs similar to me were made redundant. I've done a couple of courses, tried to diversify, unskilled a little etc but to be honest nobody will touch a fairly junior lawyer with solely Aviation experience at the moment. I've done interviews in other areas but the only feedback is that I'm overqualified etc so hoping against all odds that something will turn up soon. I'm in a final round interview for a role which doesn't sounds great tbh and very similar to the last one I was in and while I know I shouldn't take it, I have very little choice at the moment given that I've been a year out of work and have bills to pay like everyone else.

    While it does feel like I haven't achieved what I wanted to by leaving my last role, I dont regret leaving for one second as I honestly worry that it could have driven me over the edge as I was getting pretty damn close and I say that as a man who never had previous mental health problems. I'm a very resilient individual but despite never having similar issues before and previously working in similar jobs that environment broke me down and shattered my confidence to pieces. I'm doing some therapy at the moment and I definitely have some form of lasting issue from my previous experience as I'm genuinely filled with panic and terror that the next role might be like that or that I won't be able to handle it, that I've thrown away years on training for a profession I'm not cut out for etc but I'm trying to work on it.

    Covid has been a blessing and a curse. It has obviously been a total curse in terms of the job market and now there are loads of unemployed solicitors to join me in the job hunt which isn't ideal but it has also given me time to recognise what my limitations are etc.

    I hope that anyone going through a similar situation to me gets out instead of allowing it to crush you day by day.


  • #25
    banoffe2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    Thanks for the update OP, its great to hear from you.

    As you say you have learned a lot from the horrible experience you had in your previous job, and no matter how strong you are , that type of unhealthy culture impacts on our well being and especially as you say your mental health.

    A great lesson is know our limits

    This will pass, and things will get better x


  • #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'I'm a very resilient individual but despite never having similar issues before and previously working in similar jobs that environment broke me down and shattered my confidence to pieces. I'm doing some therapy at the moment and I definitely have some form of lasting issue from my previous experience as I'm genuinely filled with panic and terror that the next role might be like that or that I won't be able to handle it, that I've thrown away years on training for a profession I'm not cut out for etc but I'm trying to work on it.'

    I have been that soldier, OP. Never thought it could happen to me, but it did. Almost destroyed my health, but I'm glad to say I'm fine now. It was a long journey.

    You will be fine too. Well done for recognising that you had to get out, and doing it.
    And thank you for the update.


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