Parents refuse to use internet but want me to do all their online activities

LegacyUser · 29-03-2021 11:45am #1

Hi,

My parents are in their 60s. My mother refuses to get connected to the internet or have a smart device in their home (computer, smartphone or tablet etc). She thinks it would be a ' bad influence' on my father. He has often said that he would love to do a computer course and learn how to use technology and get a computer. But she won't allow any of this in their house. She is a highly educated person, so she would have no difficulties learning how to use technology. She doesn't work, so can avoid technology so to speak. My father's job does not require using any technology.

I do not live with my parents and I am a fully grown adult who has my own house, life etc.

My parents expect me to do many of their online activities, which I have done, as they are my parents and I want to help them. Also, my mother was sick a few years ago and I feel sorry for her. The things I am asked to do for them, for example, online clothes shopping, ordering beauty products for my mother, reading up on certain vitamins etc. for my mother, checking lottery numbers for my father, most recently, leaving messages on their behalf on RIP.ie, as they can't attend funerals.

Most recently, my mother wanted me to write another message on RIP.ie, I didn't get the chance over the weekend, when she heard this, she just went silent on the phone and she refuses to speak on the phone, she is in a serious huff about this. I am annoyed that she just expects me to do all their online activities without getting any devices or internet themselves.

Am I being petty? Or am I right to feel annoyed?
I

Neyite · 29-03-2021 12:49pm

Nah I don't think you are petty. She's choosing to not have technology in the house, fine, but she still wants to avail of it for all and every little thing. I do a lot of techy stuff for my own parents over the years but at least I know they'll have tried themselves first before calling me.

Though my mother is adamant that she won't buy stuff online or have her banking linked to an online account of any kind. Very occasionally if she can't find what she wants in a bricks-and-mortar shop, she'll ask me to order it online but that's because she feels she doesn't know enough to figure out legitimate sites from scam ones. But it is very occasional, and she's very apologetic for even asking me. I'm not her personal shopper the way you seem to be for your mother.

I think your mother is taking the piss a bit. And it's also very weird that she's dictating that another adult not be allowed technology if he wants. I'd ignore the huff if I were you, and find ways to cut down on all the tasks she asks you to do, don't immediately jump to do it. Tell them you are busy and can do it tomorrow/ Wednesday when you've a free hour... be less at their beck and call really I suppose. But it sounds like you could expect some pushback or strife for that - so maybe you need to weigh up if it's worth the grief you'll get?

Xterminator · 29-03-2021 1:45pm

hi op

i second them weaning them off your immediate availability here approach. Dont be available same day ever for activities like this. otherwise your mother gets all the benefits and convenience without having to lift a finger or get the computer/laptop/tablet. Perhaps make a point of coming over to them and doing the activity in their presence next day- assuming yiu have a laptop/tablet and can hotspot your phone.

Separately and in private speak to your father about any local IT courses - around me there are a lot of places that do a senior friendly course to familiarise themselves with technology. But be respectful of their relationship - its not for you to dictate what your father should do with regards to confronting your mother etc. Encourage, but dont upset the apple cart.

spaceHopper · 29-03-2021 2:06pm

Buy your father a chrome book and show him how to set up a wifi hot spot on his phone

Rubberchikken · 29-03-2021 2:18pm

Is it a case of ‘my way only’ with her in other issues? If so it might be difficult, not impossible, to get her to come around.
Would she enjoy reading on a kindle or some such?
If she started to see the benefits for her she might start to realise that used properly the internet is a great tool.

Tork · 29-03-2021 2:21pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Separately and in private speak to your father about any local IT courses - around me there are a lot of places that do a senior-friendly course to familiarise themselves with technology. But be respectful of their relationship - its not for you to dictate what your father should do with regards to confronting your mother etc. Encourage, but dont upset the apple cart.

I agree with the weaning off approach as well. Your mother is being quite controlling about this and I bet this isn't the only time it has happened at home.

Is there any reason your father specifically wants to learn how to use a computer? I have relatives in their 60s and 70s who either never learned how to use a computer or rarely touched the laptops their kids gave them. It was smartphones and tablets that was the game-changer for them. It didn't take them long to figure out the basics either. So if your dad would like to go online, that might be a better route. I agree with the above advice not to interfere with their relationship though. That's for your dad to handle.

Wesser · 29-03-2021 8:54pm

No I would assist them to get set up with broadband and some kind of device but then leave them at it.

Sorry but your mother sounds as though she is slightly manipulative.

Teach30 · 29-03-2021 10:57pm

My parents are older than yours and have no interest in technology, they have a tablet but are are v nervous of using it. Time has been invested in showing them what to do but my mother is very nervous of doing something wrong/breaking it. If she puts in the wrong website name she won’t remember how I showed her to go back, change it etc. This makes her not bother with it unless I’m around and can be there to guide her. Then when she’s not using it she forgets how to do it. It’s all so frustrating for her and I do feel for older generations who people assume should just learn it. Not that easy to sit down to something at that age after a day working and to be expected to just do it.

Just something to keep in mind that perhaps you mother is just very wary of using technology and doesn’t want the hassle of it.

Jequ0n · 29-03-2021 11:22pm

Why would you really care?
It’s not your problem as such but theirs.
If you didn’t sort it someone else would for sure just to shame you. You got to love family

Kalimah · 29-03-2021 11:29pm

Stop enabling them, particularly your mother. Ridiculous in this day and age that she won’t engage with technology. If you leave her to it she’ll learn quick enough.
I’ve a friend exactly the same- practically stuck in the quill pen and ink era.

jimmycrackcorm · 29-03-2021 11:44pm

There's an Irish company who have developed tablets specifically geared towards older people here - myacorn.ie. Get your parents one of those to wean them in.

But in general, your approach should be to say, I won't do it for you, but I'll teach you how.

Give a mother a fish, feed her for one day, teach her how to fish...

Sonic the Shaghog · 30-03-2021 12:03am

"a bad influence"

Sounds like she's afraid your dad will be pulling the lad of himself to PornHub

listermint · 30-03-2021 12:07am

Teach30 wrote: »

My parents are older than yours and have no interest in technology, they have a tablet but are are v nervous of using it. Time has been invested in showing them what to do but my mother is very nervous of doing something wrong/breaking it. If she puts in the wrong website name she won’t remember how I showed her to go back, change it etc. This makes her not bother with it unless I’m around and can be there to guide her. Then when she’s not using it she forgets how to do it. It’s all so frustrating for her and I do feel for older generations who people assume should just learn it. Not that easy to sit down to something at that age after a day working and to be expected to just do it.

Just something to keep in mind that perhaps you mother is just very wary of using technology and doesn’t want the hassle of it.

At the OPs mother's age computers have been around for more than half her life.

No excuses I'm sorry. She's doing it for other reasons. Christ my grand father God rest his souls passed away some ten years ago in his 70s had a laptop he bought himself of his own bat ten years before and was teaching himself. Reading newspapers online. Nicer laptop than I ever had or could afford then.

qwerty13 · 30-03-2021 1:09am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

"a bad influence"

Sounds like she's afraid your dad will be pulling the lad of himself to PornHub

That was the second thing that occurred to me (and I’m not joking). My first thought was that your mother is very very controlling.

Given her age (as in hardly too old to learn) and her awareness of what she wants you to do for her over the ‘net, what do you think her issue is?

Sorry for sounding mean, but it sounds like she wants your Dad to have no independence (where he can order his own stuff on the internet, or write his own comments on RIP etc) - and she’s also trying to guilt you into doing her bidding. And jump when she says so, and shame you if you do not comply. Has she always been like this?

Not engaging with the internet era is one thing, through total unfamiliarity due to age. Actively preventing her other half from doing so, and getting the hump when she knows exactly what she wants done online, but you don’t behave as her personal secretary - well that’s a whole different ball game.

HildaOgdenx · 30-03-2021 8:54am

The huffing and sulking on her part would annoy me more than anything else. She will need to snap out of that when she next wants you to do something online on her behalf.

So, OP, in answer to your question, I don't think you are being petty, and I don't blame you for being annoyed.

LegacyUser · 30-03-2021 9:20am

Someone is absolutely being petty in this situation and that person is not you OP.

Keep a wide berth until she snaps out of it. Waste of time trying to engage with people while they are acting like this, best to let them off until they cop on.

And once she does snap out of it, I would tell her that this episode is why she needs to relent and start doing these things for themselves.

Just as an aside, I would nearly buy her a set of mass cards to have just in case that she can pop in the mail. A message on rip.ie while better than nothing, is a bit impersonal. It's an indirect contact. It's mainly used as a means of posting funeral details. If sympathies can't be passed on in person then send text message, email, facebook mail, phone call, etc. Again, a post on rip.ie is better than nothing, but its an independent website, the family might never even look at it. As far as I'm aware the family have nothing to do with the notice being posted on the site, all handled by the funeral home/undertakers. (That was the case when my mother died, may have changed since)

LegacyUser · 30-03-2021 11:43pm

Have to say I disagree very much with you about RIP.ie being impersonal....we lost our lovely Dad recently and it was heartwarming to read the Condolences people had written on the site. A lot of people put very personal warm messages on the site and they are definitely a huge comfort to look back on, especially during Covid times, when we couldn’t meet people.Only my opinion, but Mass Cards aren’t as personal, there is normally no message so therefore not as memorable, and I much prefer to read people’s thoughts than just a signature.

wildwillow · 31-03-2021 1:21am

Sixties isn't old.

My late father learned how to use a desktop twenty years ago when he was in his eighties.

I second buying your father a laptop or tablet.

Get him an email address and show him how to do a google search, and maybe a subscription to a newspaper.

You'll find that he will soon find it invaluable.

As for your mother, let her stay in the last century on her own.

Sounds like it's time someone else ruled the roost.

Larbre34 · 31-03-2021 2:23am

You should have told your mother to **** off many years ago.

She'll either respect you for it, or she'll stop asking you. Either way, you're better off.

iPhone. · 31-03-2021 3:00am

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Give a mother a fish, feed her for one day, teach her how to fish...

........ Get rid of her for a weekend ðŸ˜…

31-03-2021 10:47am

I would actually prefer if my parents did not use the internet. I had a similar problem to you OP and eventually persuaded them to start doing it themselves. This was a mistake as now I'm constantly fixing laptops and tablets and online orders and all sorts of things that they somehow manage to mess up, and I can't even give out because it was my idea. It was easier when I just did stuff for them!

If your mam and dad are ordinarily nice about it and the RIP.ie reaction was unusual I would just put up with it tbh otherwise you will have your head wrecked trying to teach your mam or dad how to order sh!te off Amazon

sporina · 31-03-2021 3:01pm

Oh gosh - sounds like a bit of a pickle OP... no you are not being unreasonable.. your Mum is...

You have 2 options really:

1. offer to set them up with a gadget - ok you might have to spend time setting them up and sorting out problems but they would eventually get the hang of it.. i really think that this is the best option in the long run..
Sell the idea to her... tell her how handy it would be - she could browse other products etc... or better still, get them a gadget as a present - set them up and leave it with them - she might just start using it in spite of herself..

2. if she is absolutely not up for having a gadget or using the one you get them, then tell her that you are glad to help but only when you have the time.. that you are busy yourself etc..

Either way you have to have a conversation with your Mum - but be assertive without being passive or aggressive...

eoinzy2000 · 31-03-2021 10:50pm

Grayson Short Tramp wrote: »

I would actually prefer if my parents did not use the internet. I had a similar problem to you OP and eventually persuaded them to start doing it themselves. This was a mistake as now I'm constantly fixing laptops and tablets and online orders and all sorts of things that they somehow manage to mess up, and I can't even give out because it was my idea. It was easier when I just did stuff for them!

If your mam and dad are ordinarily nice about it and the RIP.ie reaction was unusual I would just put up with it tbh otherwise you will have your head wrecked trying to teach your mam or dad how to order sh!te off Amazon

This is 100% the best and soundest advice so far on this thread. Do the odd bit of IoT for them. You will be flat out mentoring, tutoring and fixing if you try to get them online.

Rubberchikken · 01-04-2021 1:50am

Hardly fair to assume they'll need a lot of help if online.
Older people can take to the internet and can even learn to correct issues.
Isn't helping with any problem online much the aamwbaa sorting out a lawnmower/washing machine/etc problem all the same.

freshpopcorn · 01-04-2021 11:52am

I would set you father up on some device and see how he gets on.
Some people take to both and some may be suited to a laptop or a touch device.
I’d get him involved in family what’sapp groups, etc.
It may take time and bit of patience tough.
With you mother I’d basically tell her to get over herself.
Is she always like this or is it some fear she has?

* I do know a lady who likes Ryan Tubridy and he scared her off the internet and her smart phone.

Teach30 · 01-04-2021 5:38pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Hardly fair to assume they'll need a lot of help if online.
Older people can take to the internet and can even learn to correct issues.
Isn't helping with any problem online much the aamwbaa sorting out a lawnmower/washing machine/etc problem all the same.

I think fear of the internet and using it incorrectly puts many older people off using it. They hear so many scare stories about accounts being hacked card numbers stolen etc it’s puts them off. My parents are 76 and 79 and despite being shown countless times how to access contacts in mobile phone (a Dora) they still input the numbers manually as it’s what they are familiar with. Internet is a minefield for them.

I don’t think it’s fair to say they won’t need continued assistance if set up online - no one know this only the poster! Some need to be using it every day to retain the information and it can get frustrating/confusing/stressful if they don’t. Mine wouldn’t have need to go online every day or would just be too working busy to bother!

Just my experiences with older parents.

SusanC10 · 01-04-2021 6:07pm

My Mum (Dad is dead) who is in her 80s and despite having a PC and a smartphone, still gets me to order stuff for her online. And do other bits and pieces. She will not use online banking and will not use her card online although will allow me to pay for her stuff using her own details.
We have all shown her multiple times how to do things but for some reason anything with a financial aspect really puts her off. She is well able to read news sites and watch Mass online. But certain things she seems to have a mental block.

To be fair, she grew up in a house with no electricity etc and things have substantially moved on.

I think that some elderly people are intimidated by the unknown in particular Technology.

Rubberchikken · 01-04-2021 8:45pm

I think that'll change as the younger generation i.e. not 70/80, who have been using smartphones be etc for years grow older.
It's understandable to be wary of new things but so many 'silver surfers' are willing and able to learn new things. Plus it's good brain food:)

HildaOgdenx · 01-04-2021 9:12pm

Plus the OP's parents are only in their sixties.

Parents refuse to use internet but want me to do all their online activities

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