Not liking myself

LegacyUser · 22-03-2021 4:59pm #1

Today I received a copy of Leaving Cert results from back when I did my LC. On opening the results I was horrified by how average the results were. I even failed ordinary level maths. I had never actually seen the certificate with the results until now. I got into college and have since gone onto an MA in one of the subjects I received a D2 grade in. Even worse, I failed ordinary maths. This is all in the distant past but it's like these results represent my glass ceiling of potential. I am 31 now, I have an MA but I have barely started in my career. I am not even certain I'll have the intelligence and skills to thrive in the area I want to get into. I spend my time informing myself but it feels like I haven't got anything between my ears. I can feel like the most inquisitive and curious person ever but as soon I find myself interacting with others I feel as if I am the stupidest person in the room. My working memory is atrocious, so bad in fact that I am barely able to have a conversation. I'm like an empty vessel just plodding along aimlessly, I spent my time immersed in a world that I don't experience, I do this because my everyday reality and my sense of myself as a bore cause me to project outward for stimulation. That's not a problem but your only life has to be worth something as well. Too often I see myself as inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and instead devote my time to things that I feel have greater importance and significance.
My relationship ended a few months ago - I have found acceptance with it ending but I hate what I became in the relationship. What started out as a flurry of excitement ended with me reluctant to call or facetime my ex because I didn't want to bore her. She'd ask me about my day and I would have absolutely nothing to say. Other people can make their everyday lives seem interesting, they'll have anecdotes, quips, scores to settle, etc. whereas my existence is so passive. Unless I am stimulated from an outdoor source(books, music, tv, etc.) then I have nothing going on upstairs. It makes interactions really one sided and I hate it.

I just want to be proud of who I am. Feel like something I'd like to be around. Someone who feels assured and competent. I always feel like I am trapped in this hell where I have the introspection and curiosity to know what I don't know but without the brain to be able to handle that reality. Everything always seems out of reach. There is nothing I could say that I am particularly good at. I've always felt like an outsider in my own life.

YellowLead · 22-03-2021 6:07pm

I wouldn’t let your leaving very results have any bearing on how you value yourself as a person.

I know it seems like a stock answer to say counselling- but honesty it sounds like it would be good for you to talk this through with somebody and get to the route of why you feel inadequate.

Are there certain unrealistic ideals you are holding up for yourself? What is the reason you are keen to have a job that involves being really intellectual?

There is a lot more to life than LC results and being in ‘professional’ employment. Have you any hobbies or do you just feel generally unmotivated by anything? It could be a kind of depression.

Xterminator · 22-03-2021 6:17pm

Hi

What do you think school grades measure? they do not measure the potential of each student.

At best they measure your ability to memorise possibly understand and regurgitate material during exam conditions. This approach does not measure your aptitude for the subject matter. It is true some people excel at exams whilst some struggle. You appear to do the same in your person life too, judging by what you said.

Your holding yourself up as near worthless, and expecting to fail, and that is the route to a self fulfilling prophecy. Yet your post is well written, its expressive, and well above competent. i dont know you, bu i am already sure you have got some great qualites and traits.

It sounds to me like you need to get some effective counselling to work on your negative self image, and to help you appreciate your positive qualities. You need to appreciate and accept who you are.

Rubberchikken · 22-03-2021 8:57pm

I don't think it's the lc results that matter to you but they've awakened feelings that you may need help and support to deal with.

A relationship has ended, you feel that you've nothing to offer to work/conversations etc so the whole lot together is bringing you down.

The lc isn't the be all and end all and you're proof of that. You have an MA you have a career that's just beginning.

Maybe with help to see things a bit more clearly you'll be able to see a great future ahead for you.

Mad_maxx · 23-03-2021 9:11pm

F.Kafka wrote: »

Today I received a copy of Leaving Cert results from back when I did my LC. On opening the results I was horrified by how average the results were. I even failed ordinary level maths. I had never actually seen the certificate with the results until now. I got into college and have since gone onto an MA in one of the subjects I received a D2 grade in. Even worse, I failed ordinary maths. This is all in the distant past but it's like these results represent my glass ceiling of potential. I am 31 now, I have an MA but I have barely started in my career. I am not even certain I'll have the intelligence and skills to thrive in the area I want to get into. I spend my time informing myself but it feels like I haven't got anything between my ears. I can feel like the most inquisitive and curious person ever but as soon I find myself interacting with others I feel as if I am the stupidest person in the room. My working memory is atrocious, so bad in fact that I am barely able to have a conversation. I'm like an empty vessel just plodding along aimlessly, I spent my time immersed in a world that I don't experience, I do this because my everyday reality and my sense of myself as a bore cause me to project outward for stimulation. That's not a problem but your only life has to be worth something as well. Too often I see myself as inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and instead devote my time to things that I feel have greater importance and significance.
My relationship ended a few months ago - I have found acceptance with it ending but I hate what I became in the relationship. What started out as a flurry of excitement ended with me reluctant to call or facetime my ex because I didn't want to bore her. She'd ask me about my day and I would have absolutely nothing to say. Other people can make their everyday lives seem interesting, they'll have anecdotes, quips, scores to settle, etc. whereas my existence is so passive. Unless I am stimulated from an outdoor source(books, music, tv, etc.) then I have nothing going on upstairs. It makes interactions really one sided and I hate it.

I just want to be proud of who I am. Feel like something I'd like to be around. Someone who feels assured and competent. I always feel like I am trapped in this hell where I have the introspection and curiosity to know what I don't know but without the brain to be able to handle that reality. Everything always seems out of reach. There is nothing I could say that I am particularly good at. I've always felt like an outsider in my own life.

has the term " cognitive impairment " ever been mentioned to you ?

depression can result in otherwise intelligent people being pretty inept in much of their life , my youngest sister got 530 points in the leaving , she has never been able to hold down a job and shes nearly thirty four , is not even able to manage her home , the place is a tip , she comes across as incredibly dumb

im not trying to sound harsh but it sounds like a mental health problem

average hero · 27-03-2021 1:00pm

Hi OP,

I'd echo what people are writing here and say that counselling would be the most effective way of dealing with what you have written.

If I were you, I would try to recognise that the LC results are only a snapshot in time are not indicative of you as a person or your overall intellect/ability. You persevering and achieving your MA is much more impressive and more indicate of your abilities.

I tend to be hard on myself and suffered from similar thoughts about my LC results so I recommend counselling. Try to understand that you were doing your best at that time given the circumstances. Forgive yourself.

Also, with regard to speaking with other people, that is a topic all in itself, but some tips I would offer: always be positive when engaging in small talk. Small talk is not the place for negativity. Keep to topics for polite conversation:
- travel (where you were or where you would like to go to. doesn't have to be exotic, it could be Belfast, Kerry or London)
- sports (broad headlines about rugby, GAA, golf, whatever)
- food and drink (what you have tried out or what you saw is new)
- local amenities (cycle tracks, swimming, parks etc.)

I hope that helps.

JustAThought · 27-03-2021 1:27pm

OP - did you order your LC results again 12 years after the exam??? LC was a big life anchor that many people still remember and are traumatised by. It defined our teenage years and was the defining obsession for ourselves and out families for years. It’s always going to be a subject that affects and bothers people. Put it back in that and leave it behind you. It was a decade ago. You have since moved on and achieved great academic things. You went to college, did well in your exams in subjects that wern’t defined by the state and they you were good in. You got an MA.
You are well past the level of LC & LC maths. Don’t dwell on it. Its in the past. Don’t look back. A different paper, a different question and it would be a different result - good or bad.

Focus on your adult academic achievements. You have done a great job and achieved. Well done.

Covid has had a big impact on ALL of out abilities to be lively and positive and stimulating and interesting. Many of the conversations i have now start with ‘I’ve no news’ or ‘I’ve done nothing new’. Don’t expect to be super exciting or stimulating in this crisis - no-one is!!! And noone has great career goals they can expect or kick into action anytime soon!!!

Its hard but don’t be so hard on yourself. Keep it light. Find something you enjoy watching or reading or something every other day that might be fun to talk about or share if you happen to bump into someone. Whats the last fixtion book your read? What fiction do you find un-put-downable!?!! Try a new one! I’m watching old Hollywood films online at the moment and old b&W films - and reading light books and podcasts by different authors. Its not very life changing or important but its fun to laugh about old stunts from Harrold Lloyd or how they made old westerns, or documetaries on filming Some Like It Hot or the old hollywood musicians and their lives and work. Sure it might not be important or serious but it makes catchup phonecalls less dreary and weighty and spreads a bit of cheer.

Everyone feels dull and bored and boring atm - I always walk every day 5k even if it takes me an hour to drag myself out of the car to do it - and I always feel better after even thou its hrd to motivate myself. Theres also the likes
of Joe Wicks and a million other free keepfiters on youtube - plan in an hour of internet lead exercise
and a walk every day - you will feel
lighter and better for it.

I’m sorry your relationship ended but when this is all over you’ll have a fitter better form for conquering the world and all kinds of chat from theings you’ve read and exposed yourself to. Be light and don’t just look at work progression and skill competencies for career CPD - you have to nourish your spirit too- its not aLl about tests and work and CPD and important knowledge!! You deserve a break - don’t be so harsh on yourself - I’m sure you have a lot to give and will find some things you enjoy and find fun or that make you laugh that you can enjoy while locked up and will enjoy laughing with others with inna few months when this is over. Be kind to yourself - there’s a lot going on!

Not liking myself

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