Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

LegacyUser · 07-09-2020 6:34pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Glad to hear it. If you are happy, thats all that matters.

as for the people still telling you to move out, i would take that with a pinch of salt. There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you and mum can happily co-exist, then your bills are lower than it would be to rent/live alone, and we know hers are lower too. As long as it is a win win situation, and you get along stay put.

But prudence suggests you should set aside a sum of money that would cover 1st months deposit and rent, just in case, and not touch it.

I will be looking to move out at some point. Will need to for work/study reasons anyways. Part of me feels guilty for moving out and leaving her alone

LegacyUser · 21-09-2020 9:26am

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2020 12:15am

But why have her benefits been cut off?

bobbyy gee · 23-09-2020 2:18am

If she starts putting 200 in her account every week her benefits. Will be cut down

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 3:24am

800 a month is still cheaper than renting.

Still if you dont feel ok with it and its not in your best interests just talk about it and come to an agreed figure.

It isn't unusual for people to pay like 1500 - 2000 per month renting in Dublin that is even sharing.

You might have an 'off' idea of what prices are like now.

But still talk about it and see if you can pay maybe 100 or something.

The_Conductor · 23-09-2020 7:35am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

800 a month is still cheaper than renting.

Still if you dont feel ok with it and its not in your best interests just talk about it and come to an agreed figure.

It isn't unusual for people to pay like 1500 - 2000 per month renting in Dublin that is even sharing.

You might have an 'off' idea of what prices are like now.

But still talk about it and see if you can pay maybe 100 or something.

Have you read the thread at all?
The rent for the property (which is obviously massively subsidised by the taxpayer) is EUR60 a week. Thats the whole property. Its a small council house.

As for renting a room in a houseshare- you can get rooms in non-council houses for under EUR100-125 a week fairly handily. For example (I've chosen Lucan which isn't renowned for being cheap) here:https://www.daft.ie/dublin/rooms-to-share/lucan/?s%5Broom_type%5D=either&s%5Badvanced%5D=1&s%5Bgender%5D=on&s%5Bsort_type%5D=a&searchSource=sharing

Have a read of the OP's other posts- the situation comes across as highly exploitative.

qwerty13 · 23-09-2020 8:19am

Adult@Home wrote: »

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

Have you been told the reason for this?

Have you seen evidence of this?

Can she appeal it?

Would her benefits be reinstated if you moved out?

Pay any necessary bills yourself, rather than handing over cash to do so.

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 8:40am

The_Conductor wrote: »

As for renting a room in a houseshare- you can get rooms in non-council houses for under EUR100-125 a week fairly handily..

Erm not in a place I would look/want to live.

Have you read the thread at all?
The rent for the property (which is obviously massively subsidised by the taxpayer) is EUR60 a week. Thats the whole property. Its a small council house.

Yeah. I know. And many kids including my own cousins would give more than the rent of a council house up to their parents its how they managed to buy the house in the end from the council.

I said if he didn't feel comfortable he should talk about it with his family.

The mother has zero income right now. THey are not asking for rent read between the lines they are asking for him to support them financially right now. Either he is comfortable with it or not.

Plenty of my family have supported older family members. A lot of Irish people are out there supporting family members financially.

If he doesn't have the money then he needs to say so.

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2020 10:00am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Erm not in a place I would look/want to live.

Yeah. I know. And many kids including my own cousins would give more than the rent of a council house up to their parents its how they managed to buy the house in the end from the council.

I said if he didn't feel comfortable he should talk about it with his family.

The mother has zero income right now. THey are not asking for rent read between the lines they are asking for him to support them financially right now. Either he is comfortable with it or not.

Plenty of my family have supported older family members. A lot of Irish people are out there supporting family members financially.

If he doesn't have the money then he needs to say so.

The mother was managing fine until the OP landed home. The mother's friend suggested she charge 200 per week, and the mother wants to go on a spending spree in the house. The OP's mother is also an alcoholic. Why should the OP foot the bill for all of this?

The OP hasn't provided any further details of why the mothers benefits have been cut off all of a sudden. It would seem a little odd that they were just cut off if she was receiving benefits long term and is of an age to receive a pension. I would wonder if they have actually been cut off or if the OP has any proof of it.

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 11:15am

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The mother was managing fine until the OP landed home. The mother's friend suggested she charge 200 per week, and the mother wants to go on a spending spree in the house. The OP's mother is also an alcoholic. Why should the OP foot the bill for all of this?

The OP hasn't provided any further details of why the mothers benefits have been cut off all of a sudden. It would seem a little odd that they were just cut off if she was receiving benefits long term and is of an age to receive a pension. I would wonder if they have actually been cut off or if the OP has any proof of it.

Well then perhaps the OP should not live there.

The_Conductor · 23-09-2020 11:28am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Well then perhaps the OP should not live there.

Thats pretty much what most sane people in this thread have been suggesting to the OP.

If she does not move out- its her call, but she only has herself to blame if it goes pear shaped- as it has done.

rondog · 23-09-2020 3:27pm

OP-from what ive read your Mother sounds like a complete schemer trying to squeeze anything she can get out of you.

The fact that she discussed these personal matters in front of her 'friend' conveys to me that she was trying to reinforce and had planned this discussion with you.SOrry,but she reminds me of so many of these council estate scammers who chance their arm to scam cash where they can.

800eur is a shocking amount to be paying especially for a council house and living with your mother.

Can you look elsewhere and get away from her cos she sounds like a complete opportunist who,rather then help you out and get back on your feet after a tough time, is trying to fleece you.

The fact that she fell behinds on a 60eur rent payment while others are out there struggling and still paying massive mortgage payments shows she cannot be trusted with money and you should steer clear of her.

HildaOgdenx · 23-09-2020 5:11pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Have you been told the reason for this?

Have you seen evidence of this?

Can she appeal it?

Would her benefits be reinstated if you moved out?

Pay any necessary bills yourself, rather than handing over cash to do so.

+1 to all of the above.
Presumably she received a letter from the Department explaining why this has happened. Is it that she is being moved from whatever payment she was on, to a pension payment?

Encourage her to contact either the local office or Citizens Advice, by phone or email, as she should not be left without some kind of a payment.

I know it's been said repeatedly, OP, but this is not a good situation for you, and you would be better off, in every way, living elsewhere.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2020 9:45pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But why have her benefits been cut off?

She is moving to invalidity pension. She be able to get the Supplementary Allowance in the meant time but she can't because my brother has been giving her money. So she's about 40e a week now until and if she gets the pension.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2020 9:57pm

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

+1 to all of the above.
Presumably she received a letter from the Department explaining why this has happened. Is it that she is being moved from whatever payment she was on, to a pension payment?

Encourage her to contact either the local office or Citizens Advice, by phone or email, as she should not be left without some kind of a payment.

I know it's been said repeatedly, OP, but this is not a good situation for you, and you would be better off, in every way, living elsewhere.

I know 100%. I'm working on it, been to multiple interviews, working on a temp contract for the next few weeks. She keeps making reference to people how we are "very comfortable". I am anything but. She was to bring our fur baby to the pet and I gave her the money and rent the other day. I sat for two and a half hours in work today waiting on a phone call and started to suspect the worst as the dog would have been long seen too and he hasn't been himself. She eventually rings half cut and said she couldn't bring him because she was scared to have him up there with other dogs. This is true in fairness. Needless to say I was pretty peeved as I was worried about him. So she's booked for me to bring him the weekend which I don't mind at all doing. BUT .... I haven't asked if the money is gone. I didn't ask today as i'm too angry

qwerty13 · 23-09-2020 10:26pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

Why do you feel this way? It seems like she managed ok from a money and day to day living point of view before you moved home. So what has changed regarding her ability to manage?

I know you said about her benefits being cut, but I think you need to give some clarity on that re why they were cut, if you want the best shot at getting other people’s perspective here.

I just have a bad feeling that you are being guilted into being the ‘grown up’ or responsible one in the house with your mother, and that she has no problem in laying all that at your door. If you genuinely think that she’s in need of financial, practical or emotional help, that’s one thing. But I’m sorry to say that I feel you might be being pressured into arrangements that you’re not ok with. If that’s the case, then you need to stand up for yourself and say that, for your own sake.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 12:28pm

The_Conductor wrote: »

Thats pretty much what most sane people in this thread have been suggesting to the OP.

If she does not move out- its her call, but she only has herself to blame if it goes pear shaped- as it has done.

I don't have a stash in the bank where I can just move out. I was made redundant twice in 7 months which has screwed me financially. I'm trying to save to move out.

qwerty13 · 24-09-2020 4:08pm

While you continue to give your mother actual cash to pay bills, and while you pay her too much money, you are preventing yourself from moving out.

I don’t think you can have been totally unaware of the possibility of the money for the vet being spent by your mother. So now you’re in a situation where you have to bring the dog to the vet anyway, and you’re angry, and you will have to pay for the vet all over again. Stop giving her cash. And start saying “no”.

By carrying on as you are, you are just prolonging the amount of time that you have to live with your mother - and increasing the possibility that she will continue to view you as a walking wallet. “Very comfortable” indeed - her comfort, at the expense of your discomfort.

Until you stand up for yourself, she’s going to continue to walk all over you.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 4:53pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

While you continue to give your mother actual cash to pay bills, and while you pay her too much money, you are preventing yourself from moving out.

I don’t think you can have been totally unaware of the possibility of the money for the vet being spent by your mother. So now you’re in a situation where you have to bring the dog to the vet anyway, and you’re angry, and you will have to pay for the vet all over again. Stop giving her cash. And start saying “no”.

By carrying on as you are, you are just prolonging the amount of time that you have to live with your mother - and increasing the possibility that she will continue to view you as a walking wallet. “Very comfortable” indeed - her comfort, at the expense of your discomfort.

Until you stand up for yourself, she’s going to continue to walk all over you.

I haven't been giving her cash in fairness. But I had to give her cash to pay the vet and I'd misplaced my bank card so just asked her to sort the rent. So it's just a once off. You're dead right though. I'll just pay bills and do shopping myself or online. I don't know how she could honestly believe that we are comfortable. I'm dreading going home from work now as I just know when I ask the question about the money for the vet bill the answer I will most likely get. Of course i'm going to bring him regardless. If it was some non significant bill I would be tempted to just let her sort it out, but i'm not going to leave him if he's not himself.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 10:28pm

Had a chat with her about earlier and was told her been on the piss for three days is her business. Real nice when her main source of income is me and my brother. She reckons she paid the rent but friend was here and didn't say she brought her and that was the plan. Apparently you can't physically go in to An Post and withdraw money if you have an An Post account. I don't the ins and outs. But she's spent the cash. She says she has the money for the dog and has paid the rent. She reckons she'l have it tomorrow. The friend called and she say to me are you still in a mood? I said i'm not in a mood I just wanted to make sure the dog is sorted out and you've been on the piss for three days so where are you getting the money for bottles of wine.

Then she says to me later on she wouldn't do that she knows how good I am to her and that I should know her better, she's so straight with me. I just said you can tell me it's none of my business all she wants but that i'm finishing my job soon and we have to be sensible with money that i'm not flush and it's a slap in the face when you've been on the wine for three days.

rainbowtrout · 25-09-2020 3:57pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I haven't been giving her cash in fairness. But I had to give her cash to pay the vet and I'd misplaced my bank card so just asked her to sort the rent. So it's just a once off. You're dead right though. I'll just pay bills and do shopping myself or online. I don't know how she could honestly believe that we are comfortable. I'm dreading going home from work now as I just know when I ask the question about the money for the vet bill the answer I will most likely get. Of course i'm going to bring him regardless. If it was some non significant bill I would be tempted to just let her sort it out, but i'm not going to leave him if he's not himself.

So ask for it back. It doesn't have to be confrontational just a simple 'Can you give me back the money to pay the vet as I'm bringing him on Saturday'. She will bleed you dry if you don't stop giving her money and making excuses for giving her money.

Her version of comfortable is having you pay for her lifestyle. If living costs her nothing then of course it's comfortable.

rainbowtrout · 25-09-2020 4:02pm

Adult@home wrote: »

Had a chat with her about earlier and was told her been on the piss for three days is her business. Real nice when her main source of income is me and my brother. She reckons she paid the rent but friend was here and didn't say she brought her and that was the plan. Apparently you can't physically go in to An Post and withdraw money if you have an An Post account. I don't the ins and outs. But she's spent the cash. She says she has the money for the dog and has paid the rent. She reckons she'l have it tomorrow. The friend called and she say to me are you still in a mood? I said i'm not in a mood I just wanted to make sure the dog is sorted out and you've been on the piss for three days so where are you getting the money for bottles of wine.

Then she says to me later on she wouldn't do that she knows how good I am to her and that I should know her better, she's so straight with me. I just said you can tell me it's none of my business all she wants but that i'm finishing my job soon and we have to be sensible with money that i'm not flush and it's a slap in the face when you've been on the wine for three days.

So the money to pay for the vet was spent on alcohol. I don't know what more you can get from this thread OP. You've been told numerous times to stop giving her money. It will be spent on alcohol, she views you as a live in ATM machine.

Save up, take out a small credit union loan and do whatever it takes to move out. As long as you continue to pay for her lifestyle nothing will change.

qwerty13 · 25-09-2020 7:57pm

I’m sure it’s a very stressful situation for you, but your mother doesn’t seem to be able to see beyond her own needs / wants, and her friend sounds frankly horrible.

Your number one priority has to be to get enough money together to move out. If you borrow from a sibling, or get a credit union loan, I really think that’s what you should do. The longer you stay, you’re getting sucked into your mother’s messy life, and I think you’re going to end up being hurt by her lack of consideration for you. Financially and emotionally.

I’m not criticising you when I say this, but you seem to be viewing all of the incidents where you were fleeced for money as isolated mishaps / relatively minor transgressions on her part. They’re not - they are a pattern of behaviour that is going to upset you, and leech money from you, and mean that you have to stay with her longer while you try to get enough money together to move. You’ve described multiple instances where she used your money to fund herself - buying booze or cigarettes on your money (instead of just food) and going on a bender. I don’t know about the post office account, but based on her previous behaviour I’d be very suspicious of whether that’s true. Just STOP giving her cash, for any reason. If you’ve mislaid your card, well find it! No cash for bills of any sort. Ever.

If you don’t start saying a firm NO to her, you are going be drawn into her messy life long-term. And it will harm your long term relationship with her. Sadly, I get the feeling that you’re not going to do any of this. Did you change your pin, or get a new bank card? I reckon your chat with her was her telling you what you want to hear, and zero will change. The only change will happen when you STOP giving her cash, and start using the word NO.

PS: I’m sorry if that’s very harsh, and I know she’s your mother and you care for her. Just don’t let her life choices leave you with no choices about your life.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 6:42am

OP you have to move out.

LegacyUser · 28-09-2020 9:43am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP you have to move out.

I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

HildaOgdenx · 28-09-2020 3:01pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

I'm no expert, but it's worth having a read of the attached link to see what is entailed in applying and getting approved for an invalidity pension. It will require doctors/ consultants reports. If you look at the social welfare forum on here, you will gather that it can be a long process from applying, and possibly having to appeal, if declined.

https://www.gov.ie/en/service/d148b9-invalidity-pension/

I'm hesitant to say this, OP, as it is your mother that is involved, but you may not be getting the full picture. And what was her plan, financially, if you had not reappeared on the scene.
I'm not asking you to answer that btw, just to think it over.

Hannibal_Smith · 28-09-2020 3:51pm

How was she able to stay on illness benefit without a certificate from her doctor? I also don't know how she can qualify for an early pension if her doctor is saying she's fit for work.

The good news is your brother is also helping out, so it is all not landing on your shoulders anymore.

I think the previous advice still stands however. You're paying your portion and not giving ad hoc cash to your mum.

At the end of the day, she's lucky you're there to be able to provide anything. If you hadn't moved home, what would she do?

rainbowtrout · 28-09-2020 9:17pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

Well if she's not supposed to be on illness benefit she has two choices, get a job or apply for social welfare. She's not a special case. This is how other people do it, and you're just making excuses which will hamper you from removing yourself from the situation.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 11:43pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I know. I just don't know what to do if she doesn't get her pension sorted out. Apparently her doctor wasn't too happy that she is still on illness benefit, so I don't even know if they'll approve her pension as she is still legally working age and the doctor had told her before that she should return to work.

You sound like a good daughter.

I hope it works out for you x

LegacyUser · 29-09-2020 12:32pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

How was she able to stay on illness benefit without a certificate from her doctor? I also don't know how she can qualify for an early pension if her doctor is saying she's fit for work.

The good news is your brother is also helping out, so it is all not landing on your shoulders anymore.

I think the previous advice still stands however. You're paying your portion and not giving ad hoc cash to your mum.

At the end of the day, she's lucky you're there to be able to provide anything. If you hadn't moved home, what would she do?

They are still giving her certs so I don't really get it to be honest. But she did say that the doctor pulled her aside a while back and said we have facilitated you long enough and told her to find another job. She passed comment the other evening in her friends about "who wouldn't pull a stroke (basically a scheme) if they could" and then turns and apologises to me saying I know you wouldn't. She then mentioned how when my brother was there and had a few quid through ill gains or not (selling drugs) etc. It just made me angry that she is happy to take this money from him knowing where it's come from rather than telling him to get away from that crap. My brother has been giving her a lot too from the sounds of it. I don't think this is fair on him either.

I don't want to be judgemental towards my own mother but this beggars belief.

LegacyUser · 18-11-2020 11:52am

Hi guys,

Mods sorry for reviving an older thread. If I need to start a new one let me know.

Basically we have a very hands on dog at home, he's strong and not easy to walk for some people.

He's a baby at the best of times though, loves cuddles, human contact etc. He's just not amazing around other dogs unfortunately. I have been walking him, taking him to the vets etc. He is overweight so I ordered him tailored food from a specialist company to get his weight down. He's between 8 to 13kgs overweight so not a small amount. I've been strict with his diet getting him out walking, taking him to the vets. He had a bit of an issue with being a bit sore all his back end, back legs etc. He was very reactive to the vet when she checked him out. He has since improved and was okay the last time. I got his vaccines up to date, am trying to get his insurance sorted out etc.

He got to this state as my mother overfeeds him, gives him human food constantly and NEVER walks him. She was on board for a while and wouldn't give in to his begging but I know she has been given him extra treats etc on the sly.

This dog is well loved and well fed so in no way deprived by not getting all the extra food.

My mother came up with this genius idea to get another dog. We spoke about it and I thought she realised it was a terrible idea and it was put to bed. Now she has brought it up but wants to get a staffordshire terrier pub that she got wind of a family members friend has.

Our dog is a staffy/boxer cross and although he's loyal and loving, they can be territorial by nature. He didn't have a great start as a pub before we got him which we believe is his reason for being a bit cranky with other dogs.

My mother believes "he needs to be socialised with other dogs".

She can't even mind the one we have let alone get another one. If she was to go down that road she would need a professional dog trainer to assist. There's no way we could just bring another dog into the house.

The fact she is so blazee about this knowing our dogs personality just blows my mind. I feel like i'm talking to a 5 year old who wants to put a pony out the back garden.

I'm afraid i'll move out and she will go ahead with this without me knowing.

At my wits end !!!!!

Hannibal_Smith · 19-11-2020 9:30am

Mod Note

OP, I initially separated your latest post out to a new thread with the intention of moving it to Animals & Pet Issues. However as you've posted anonymously I can't move it there. So posters can get a fuller picture I've moved it back here.

Thanks

HS

Telly · 19-11-2020 9:55am

The main question here is who is going to pay to keep this new dog seeing as your Mam says she hasnt a pot to píss in?

LegacyUser · 19-11-2020 10:27am

Telly wrote: »

The main question here is who is going to pay to keep this new dog seeing as your Mam says she hasnt a pot to píss in?

TBH i'm more concerned about the fact that I know the two dogs will end up fighting and it's going to end up in tears. I'm refusing to pay for another dog. It's the most bat s**t crazy thing i've heard from her.

19-11-2020 10:57am

Why are you still there?

You don't appear willing to remedy your situation.

LegacyUser · 19-11-2020 10:59am

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

Why are you still there?

You don't appear willing to remedy your situation.

I am trying to get on top of my finances. Unfortunately I can't afford to move out right now. I'm hoping to get out December/early January latest. I just don't have the funds right now.

19-11-2020 11:15am

Adult@Home wrote: »

I am trying to get on top of my finances. Unfortunately I can't afford to move out right now. I'm hoping to get out December/early January latest. I just don't have the funds right now.

The amount you are handing over could have facilitated a share at this stage. It doesnt sound like living at home is any cheaper.

Jequ0n · 19-11-2020 1:05pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

TBH i'm more concerned about the fact that I know the two dogs will end up fighting and it's going to end up in tears. I'm refusing to pay for another dog. It's the most bat s**t crazy thing i've heard from her.

Well if one of them kills the other the problem solved itself.
You are enabling your mother who knows how to use you. This sort of useless drama will continue as long as you let it happen

LegacyUser · 19-11-2020 1:50pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

Well if one of them kills the other the problem solved itself.

I really hope that's just a really sick joke. That's a disgusting thing to say.

19-11-2020 2:07pm

Adult@home wrote: »

She is moving to invalidity pension. She be able to get the Supplementary Allowance in the meant time but she can't because my brother has been giving her money. So she's about 40e a week now until and if she gets the pension.

Just on this point - this is accurate.

Once any kind of income is coming into the home from any other source (e.g. adult child or spouse) DEASP are not obliged to pay SWA.

(eta) sorry, just realised this is an old thread.

Hannibal_Smith · 19-11-2020 3:13pm

Ask your mum to come to the vet with you and discuss her idea with the vet. Maybe she's not going to take that this is a bad idea from you, but she might listen to them. Some rescue centres have dog training lessons, which could help your current dog.

You can't control what your mother does unfortunately. If the pup she has her eye on is for sale, she hasnt the funds herself to buy it, so stick to your guns about not stumping up the cash for it.

Jequ0n · 19-11-2020 3:48pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I really hope that's just a really sick joke. That's a disgusting thing to say.

How can this be a joke? It’s likely to happen if your current dog is as difficult as you said. Adding another dog to the mix is nothing but pure stupidity and selfishness on your mother’s part, and you know this, too.

Look, your mother is a user, she will keep pressing you to entertain her whims. I am a user, I do the same if I get away with it. The funny thing is that you always find someone who “wants to be used” and you don’t seem to fully realise that this is your role.

You will be dragged into all this **** until you manage to remove yourself from her grasp/ house.
Even if you refuse to get the dog for her and someone else does you can be sure that it will become your responsibility at some stage (even partially).

LegacyUser · 19-11-2020 4:23pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Ask your mum to come to the vet with you and discuss her idea with the vet. Maybe she's not going to take that this is a bad idea from you, but she might listen to them. Some rescue centres have dog training lessons, which could help your current dog.

You can't control what your mother does unfortunately. If the pup she has her eye on is for sale, she hasnt the funds herself to buy it, so stick to your guns about not stumping up the cash for it.

That's a really great idea. I had spoke to animal centre's about training for him before. But that was just so I could get him to be a bit calmer around other dogs in general. Not to go bringing another dog into his environment. That's just insanity. He's improved a lot and I can manage him out on is walks. He just gets a bit yappy around other dogs and can't be trusted off the lead (he's never let off the lead anyways). She's aware the dog is overweight and that it can cause serious problems. This has come from the professionals that are providing his food and the vet. But she's still backtracking. I'd love to take him with me when I move out but she'd never go along with it.

I just feel like this is another way for her to be difficult. The very reason she won't walk him is because of her "fear" after him biting another dog. But yet she wants to constantly have another dog in his environment.

qwerty13 · 19-11-2020 10:17pm

This isn’t about the dog (even though that sounds like such a stupid and impractical idea). This is about your mother doing whatever the hell she wants, and never thinking of the consequences. Actually scratch that, I’m actually wondering does she enjoy wrong-footing you, and making you stressed.

You need to move out! Feck having your finances in order, get out into the cheapest accommodation you can find. You can be bloody sure it will cost you less than your mother’s whims do.

So now you're paying top dollar for food for the current dog, which she goes behind your back and ruins. I don’t agree with animal cruelty by any means - but you say you can’t afford to move out, and yet have been drawn into spending a fair amount of money on a *dog*. Instead of securing your own peace of mind by moving out. You’re effectively valuing the dogs well-being more than yours.

And she wants another dog. As another poster said, whose responsibility (practically and financially) do you think this new dog will be? It’s like she’s trying her hardest to keep you tied to her.

Put your energies and money into yourself. Not a dog.

Hotblack Desiato · 20-11-2020 1:44am

Hi OP, I don't mean to be harsh at all here but this current issue isn't exactly unpredictable given what you told us earlier.

Your mother is irresponsible and does what she wants. Especially if while doing so she can screw a few quid out of a mark (i.e. you.)

Your mother is an alcoholic.

These are facts I'm afraid.

You know that stuff about accepting the things you cannot change? It's a load of crap. It doesn't mean that you should accept things which are are abusive to you.

You cannot change her. She has made certain choices in life. She's entitled to make those choices. But she is not entitled to emotionally or financially abuse you. IMHO as was said by several posters previously in this thread, you need to distance yourself (hard as it may be) and focus on building a better life for yourself.

Only when your own life is stable can you think about helping others - but there's a strong chance that no matter what you do, she doesn't want to be helped. It sounds like she's been living an alcoholic's life for some years now and she may not want to change. Don't become determined to 'fix' her. The most skilled psychotherapists in the world can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2020 9:52am

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Hi OP, I don't mean to be harsh at all here but this current issue isn't exactly unpredictable given what you told us earlier.

Your mother is irresponsible and does what she wants. Especially if while doing so she can screw a few quid out of a mark (i.e. you.)

Your mother is an alcoholic.

These are facts I'm afraid.

You know that stuff about accepting the things you cannot change? It's a load of crap. It doesn't mean that you should accept things which are are abusive to you.

You cannot change her. She has made certain choices in life. She's entitled to make those choices. But she is not entitled to emotionally or financially abuse you. IMHO as was said by several posters previously in this thread, you need to distance yourself (hard as it may be) and focus on building a better life for yourself.

Only when your own life is stable can you think about helping others - but there's a strong chance that no matter what you do, she doesn't want to be helped. It sounds like she's been living an alcoholic's life for some years now and she may not want to change. Don't become determined to 'fix' her. The most skilled psychotherapists in the world can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.

I gave on trying to fix her many years ago

MissShihTzu · 20-11-2020 12:31pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I gave on trying to fix her many years ago

It begs the question. Why are you still there? Why are you posting about this issue if you've given up trying to 'fix' your Mum??

I don't understand. Either you put up with this, or you find a way to get out. Any way - even if you have to couch surf for a bit...

qwerty13 · 20-11-2020 12:47pm

I know I sound like I’m pushing you OP, but you might have given up trying to fix your mother - but you haven’t fixed how you react to her. So you’re stuck on the merry go round of humouring her, funding her, and getting stressed by her. You can’t fix her. But you can vastly improve your own life by removing yourself from at least the day to day cycle of that. And far easier to not go along with her frankly batsh*t ideas if you’re not living with her.

20-11-2020 1:45pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I gave on trying to fix her many years ago

OP, I rent a room in my home. I have and would take an understanding view to people that are a little tight on cash (Its not available. Same person there now for 3 years).

Theres no way the cost of a room is more than you are putting into this situation. My licensee pays rent and her own food and even then we eat together a good bit so thats even shared. Its about 600 a month probable, in total. Compare that to the mess now.

LegacyUser · 20-11-2020 2:17pm

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

OP, I rent a room in my home. I have and would take an understanding view to people that are a little tight on cash (Its not available. Same person there now for 3 years).

Theres no way the cost of a room is more than you are putting into this situation. My licensee pays rent and her own food and even then we eat together a good bit so thats even shared. Its about 600 a month probable, in total. Compare that to the mess now.

You're not considering getting a full months rent + deposit in one lumpsum.

Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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