Role of both parents in child abuse

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 9:22am #1

Rather than advice, I am looking for opinion here on a personal issue and the understanding of it. I am hugely confused and despite my own beliefs and understanding on the issue, I still doubt myself constantly so am looking for some insight

My mother, myself and my siblings suffered from child abuse (physical, emotional, mental) growing up by my Father.
Most of these issues have gone unresolved and unmentionable until the last 12 months when a dramatic event in our lives has caused me to regress and start remembering these events going back to when I was 5 years old.
I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression coupled with some other issues as a result which have been magnified as a result of this dramatic event. This has led me to get help from professionals and to really understand my past as before I never truly understood why I was the person I was (angry, on the edge, worried & nervous all the time)

Anyway enough about me.....in a home where children were abused in such a manner, are both parents to blame despite one being the main perpetrator? My father was an animal at times and Ive witnessed things my siblings don't know about in terms of violence. However my mother has been no saint either and often threatened to send me away when I was unruly (I was a pretty goods child bar bad language) and would slap us etc.
They separated late in my teens but it was too late for me and for the others, the abuse continued in other ways while I moved in with my mother who found her lost youth. the weight of that rested on my shoulders I felt, so I constantly worried about what my father was doing to manipulate my other siblings and the path my mother was taking.

The above dramatic event I mentioned has caused us to be estranged and she refuses to acknowledge that the past is the main reason for my depression and anxiety. She blames the event solely and has thrown insults and threats when confronted with the past and my current state of mind.

Family members have acknowledge she also had a poor childhood and she should be given a free pass for her recent behavior which has made me question my need to be on this earth.

My opinion is that both are responsible. She seen and so did others the level of abuse handed out to both herself and myself but nothing was done. More children arrived and the past repeated. All children now have mental health issues and I'm talking serious issues. I am also estranged from one other sibling as my mother has convinced him I am turning my back on the family. We should have been removed a lot earlier to stand some chance of healing but we werent and now when it has affected our lives so greatly, its seen as our own faults and brushed under the carpet

Apologies for the long post and the vagueness of some of the detail but I am concerned it will be deciphered and used against me.

Neyite · 06-08-2020 9:49am

It's very common to feel resentment and anger at the parent who was also a victim of abuse.

Because they were the adult in the situation and chose to stay, rather than leave and bring you to safety. The reasons why they stay can be complex and even understandable in some cases but regardless of those they still had choice -albeit a tough one. You as a child, didn't have a choice, and couldn't leave. By choosing to stay, she exposed you and your siblings to more harm than you would have otherwise had in your lives.

As well as that, you look back and see the signs where she parented ineffectively, and when she prioritised her life and enjoyment over the issues her children had as a result of the abuse in their childhood and probably wonder how she could do that.

While domestic abuse is learned behaviour through the generations and often those who abuse do so because that's the norm they grew up with, and those who were abused are drawn to those types of people because they feel familiar. And so it continues.

So it's a totally normal feeling to have. I'm not sure people necessarily deserve a free pass for the harm they do because of what was done to them. There are many people who had the upbringing your mother had ( or worse) who didn't perpetuate the chaotic and violent cycle to the next generation. And your feelings and experiences are valid and important. If I were you I don't think I would automatically give her a free pass but it's something a bit more nuanced that might benefit from unpicking it with a counsellor experienced in domestic abuse.

Faith · 06-08-2020 9:54am

I have two thoughts, really:

1. Yes, both parents can be blamed here. Your father as an abuser, and your mother for failing to protect you/being abusive herself.
2. The chances of her ever admitting that she did wrong by you are slim to none, so I really hope that you're not hinging your recovery on that.

My advice would be to seek the appropriate mental health/social supports to enable you to live a better life for yourself, without it hinging on responsibility and blame. I think that's the only way you can move forward. It may be easiest if you go no contact entirely with your parents, and possibly some of your siblings, depending on various factors that we can't comment on as they're not in the post.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 10:17am

Faith wrote: »

I have two thoughts, really:

1. Yes, both parents can be blamed here. Your father as an abuser, and your mother for failing to protect you/being abusive herself.
2. The chances of her ever admitting that she did wrong by you are slim to none, so I really hope that you're not hinging your recovery on that.

My advice would be to seek the appropriate mental health/social supports to enable you to live a better life for yourself, without it hinging on responsibility and blame. I think that's the only way you can move forward. It may be easiest if you go no contact entirely with your parents, and possibly some of your siblings, depending on various factors that we can't comment on as they're not in the post.

No I am not hinging my recovery on it. I am so very angry being honest as through the years and despite being in absolute ribbons at some of my mothers decisions later in life once she separated from my father, I stood by her. Now however when I need the same, its not reciprocated and the past cannot be mentioned.
Feel free to ask any questions and ill do my best to answer. I am in fear of this being noticed as there is a rule in both families that "no one needs to know our business"

Xterminator · 06-08-2020 10:59am

HI OP

would you say your mother was a victim too? Isnt that they key? It maybe doesnt give her a free pass, but blaming the victim isnt really the done thing.

She had a responsibility to protect her children, that is why i dont say she gets a free pass.

But if her upbringing and education, didnt give her the tools to deal with her violent husband, and she was cowed into accepting his way through violence then i would be very understanding of her mothering failures.

Back then a woman was often told you made you bed, lie in it, when they reached out for help to family and friends, due to domestic issues. Corporal punishment was an accepted form of discipline eg..

spare the rod and spoil the child

Literally taken it says parents who dont use a stick to beat their children are letting their children down. Rape was not possible within marriage, because once married the husband could legally have sex even if the wife said no!

You can look at it through the prism of today's standards and she will appear a very poor person indeed, but the supports available today were not there a generation ago. The mindset was different, the law was different.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 12:29pm

Xterminator wrote: »

HI OP

would you say your mother was a victim too? Isnt that they key? It maybe doesnt give her a free pass, but blaming the victim isnt really the done thing.

She had a responsibility to protect her children, that is why i dont say she gets a free pass.

But if her upbringing and education, didnt give her the tools to deal with her violent husband, and she was cowed into accepting his way through violence then i would be very understanding of her mothering failures.

Back then a woman was often told you made you bed, lie in it, when they reached out for help to family and friends, due to domestic issues. Corporal punishment was an accepted form of discipline eg..
Literally taken it says parents who dont use a stick to beat their children are letting their children down. Rape was not possible within marriage, because once married the husband could legally have sex even if the wife said no!

You can look at it through the prism of today's standards and she will appear a very poor person indeed, but the supports available today were not there a generation ago. The mindset was different, the law was different.

Is she a victim, of course. She suffered greatly. Did we suffer, of course as children we had no way of defending ourselves.
My issue really is that the recent events in my life have brought this all flooding back to me. I have been told by my mother that "i wouldnt be depressed if I didnt act the way I do" However she fails to see my issues and my reactions are from years of seeing and learning all the wrongs in life and then applying them to my own. Its only when she sh!t hit the fan did I see exactly what I was and want to right the wrongs in my brain. I carry a lot of my fathers traits but I also see a lot of my mother in me too.

The mentality seems to be "sure I suffered too so shut up about it, I did my best". I think that's not right and I am taking responsibility for my wrong doings. The damage done has been everlasting and I see it in one of my siblings first hand. They are treated the exact same, like a child being told to cop on to himself when in reality, they are so very broken. I am trying to help as I now see myself as the same

Xterminator · 06-08-2020 2:45pm

you are on a good path of learning, and understanding . but your path is not your mothers path. When you say you are taking responsibility for your wrong doings, you understand that this only works when you are ready to do this. you cannot cajole another person to do the same.

You cannot change another person. only they can do that. Your mother may never come to understand how your childhood has cast a shadow on your adulthood.

I would say the most helpful think you can do for yourself is to forgive her for her failings. I say do this for yourself because you still have your mother and to benefit most from the relationship you dont need to be harbouring anger about her past conduct and her failings as a person. Break the cycle, resolve to treat your own children (if you choose to have them) better, and to learn from and not repeat the mistakes of the past.

Im not saying whitewash the past and pretend it didnt happen, but rather do not allow the past to colour your future - as much as you can. Your past and experiences moulded you as a person. But it only has the power over your future that you allow it to have.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2020 3:24pm

Xterminator wrote: »

you are on a good path of learning, and understanding . but your path is not your mothers path. When you say you are taking responsibility for your wrong doings, you understand that this only works when you are ready to do this. you cannot cajole another person to do the same.

You cannot change another person. only they can do that. Your mother may never come to understand how your childhood has cast a shadow on your adulthood.

I would say the most helpful think you can do for yourself is to forgive her for her failings. I say do this for yourself because you still have your mother and to benefit most from the relationship you dont need to be harbouring anger about her past conduct and her failings as a person. Break the cycle, resolve to treat your own children (if you choose to have them) better, and to learn from and not repeat the mistakes of the past.

Im not saying whitewash the past and pretend it didnt happen, but rather do not allow the past to colour your future - as much as you can. Your past and experiences moulded you as a person. But it only has the power over your future that you allow it to have.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and it enforces what Ive been told by others and know in my own head.
Unfortunately, I no longer have a relationship with my mother and I've had to cut ties with her. This is down to self preservation as I was in a dark place at the time. She made some comments regarding my depression and suicidal ideation where she flippantly made a reference to buying a coffin for me. It was then I had to take a step back to try and get away from the constant verbal threats and abuse.

Kylta · 06-08-2020 6:32pm

You have a fair bit going on in your head at the moment. But you cannot change the past what has happened has happened. In regards to your mother she might not have been strong enough to breakaway from your father in early years, maybe she didn't or couldn't afford to lose him, maybe fear held her there (nobody knows what goes on inside anothers persons head). I'd imagine some people are strong enough to face their past horrors and some people aren't. I think if your mother got counselling it could help her and maybe help you. But I'd imagine constantly reliving a toxic and horrible past would destroy anybodys future.
All I can say in regards to you is, your an adult now go and live your own life, you can't change or alter your past, and whatever answers you seek won't change the past anyway. Everyday when you wake choose the future and let go off the past. Whatever about your mother I'd imagine when all of you were asleep in your bed she probably had to endure more. But you OP you have the choice of the future go live it and take care of yourself

Hannibal_Smith · 06-08-2020 9:42pm

It's hard. Particularly when you look back and realise how vulnerable you were and how another adult should have stepped in. If they were being abused too do they get some of the blame for what happened to you? I suppose maybe on some level that might seem fair. But when they're caught in a whirlwind of abuse themselves they can't see the wood for the trees.

It possibly seems like you're making allowances for what happened to her, yet she is showing little (or maybe no?) empathy or acknowledgement to you for what happened to you.

It's very unfair, but if you think about it, your mother already has the trauma of being abused by your father to contend with which would be enough for anyone, but to add guilt, for what happened to her children to that is probably too much for her to comprehend?

Ultimately I think there are two strands here. The actual abuse - where your father is to blame. The behaviour and non acknowledgment later in life which is your mother.

Saying things like she'll buy you a coffin and brushing your pain away is not right. You cannot change her thinking. You are not wrong in talking about what happened to you or to have sought the acknowledgment you wanted. You will get it, either through therapy or friendships or whatever, but your mother seems the wrong person to look to for it.

LegacyUser · 07-08-2020 9:00am

Thank you all for your replies. It has helped reaffirm my own thoughts which I had begun to doubt. I have started to rebuild life again slowly. Anxiety has made me into recluse of sorts but I am starting to get my confidence back. I am aware than I need to move on and focus on myself but its hard let go of the anger of the situation more than anything. Ill continue to work on that aspect over the coming months.

Role of both parents in child abuse

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