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Husband doesn't have any friends

  • 01-08-2020 2:23pm
    #1
    Owlet
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭


    Title sums it up.

    I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

    Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.


Comments

  • #2
    KiKi III
    Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    I’d broach it as a concern about moving to the suburbs rather than about him. Ask him if he’s worried either of you will get bored and should you both take up new hobbies maybe.


  • #3
    Owlet
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭Owlet


    Thanks that seems so obvious now and such good advice!


  • #4
    ronivek
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,916 ✭✭✭ronivek


    Some people just don’t need or desire too much social contact; it’s likely based on your description of him that he’s happy enough with things as they are. Whether that’s ‘happy enough’ due to social anxiety preventing him from doing more or due to him having no genuine desire to seek more friends or social interaction or somewhere between it’s hard to say.

    I feel like a part of your concern or frustration here is that maybe you two aren’t sharing any social or leisure time together apart from conversations about the kids or his work or current affairs; do you two share any interests or manage to go out together much without the kids?


  • #5
    Owlet
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭Owlet


    Good question. To be honest I feel like thanks to covid we spend too much time together but not quality time. We both work full time, two small children (currently at home full time) and we've no family here and babysitting is v expensive. We would go out maybe every other month for dinner or a drink without the kids. I find it very dull that all he has to talk about is work so perhaps the problem lies more with me than him. I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but it always comes back to work. I have a niggling sense he would actually quite like to have maybe one or two friends to occasionally meet up with. The only time he goes out is with me but the same is not true in reverse.


  • #6
    Man with broke phone
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Man with broke phone


    I honestly believe men get to a certain age and dont need as many friends about. They have a wife kids and people in work to be looking after, if they have a hobby other like minded men will be hobby friends with them but once they move job or hobby they lose contact with these people.

    Might have a few friends from childhood but I thjnk middle aged men with loads of friends tend to either have no families, need to borrow stuff the whole time or are selling something.

    Unless ofcourse they are involved in organised crime.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    It's fairly normal now for men with small kids at home to have few or no friends, and no social life outside work. Especially middle class men.

    Personally I went from having lots of friends in school and college to not really having any for many years, other than my wife's friends husbands that I had nothing in common with. Most of my college friends were the same.

    Some men prefer it that way. I didn't. I have lots of friends now again in my late 40s but it wasn't easy. I did some night classes in different things and met people that way.

    I will say that I find people that only talk about their work to be incredibly dull.


  • #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I’d suggest you might want to dig a little more into your own reasoning for this concern. If he’s attentive, a good father, likes his work and keep abreast of the world around him, he’s doing better than many.

    It may well be that the thing he wants most in the world is to be able to speak about things he sees/hears/reads about with you. Being a good husband, father, keeping in touch with his parents and getting his work done probably doesn’t leave a whole lot of time and energy for much else. He might simply enjoy getting on his bike for a spin or watching a movie rather than carving up what little time is left over to spend with a play-date/pal his wife wants him to have.


  • #9
    ronivek
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,916 ✭✭✭ronivek


    Owlet wrote: »
    I find it very dull that all he has to talk about is work so perhaps the problem lies more with me than him. I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but it always comes back to work. I have a niggling sense he would actually quite like to have maybe one or two friends to occasionally meet up with. The only time he goes out is with me but the same is not true in reverse.

    I think you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head unfortunately; if he had a friend or two he would probably use them to chat about work a bit and maybe lessen the ‘burden’ on you in that respect. But since you’re basically the entirety of his social outlet outside of work you’re stuck with all of it.

    And I don’t think there’s any blame here either; you’re not obliged to find his work interesting and I would imagine he’s not talking about work intentionally to bore you. I would guess that the whole Covid-19 thing has just brought into focus some issues that have maybe been there all along but just weren’t very obvious.

    Normally I would suggest just talking about it but I’m struggling to see a conversation about this that doesn’t cause a bunch of problems for one or both of you... I think Kiki’s suggestion to approach it as a conversation about hobbies or maybe plans to get involved around your new neighbourhood might be a good way to feel things out.


  • #10
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,495 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Sounds like your husband is fine with what he has but you have an issue with it?

    Maybe the thread title should read I find my husband dull because all he talks about is work.

    You basically want him to do stuff so he has more stuff to talk about with you?

    You say ye don’t spend quality time together but when you do you find it dull.

    I don’t think him not having friends is the issue.


  • #11
    harr
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,485 ✭✭✭harr


    I am in my 40,s and no really Close friends and while it doesn’t bother me my other half has encouraged me at times to socialise with different groups but like your husband OP I get it hard to strike up conversation and I probably come across as standoffish but I am just shy to be honest and a complete introvert and very happy in my own company something a lot of people get Very hard to understand..
    I would have no problem in going to cinema, restaurant or pub on my own to be honest.
    But Once I click with someone I could talk for hours so I am not completely unsociable and I do attend social stuff with my wife as I wouldn’t expect her to go on her own but family or friend get togethers are my least favourite thing to be doing
    So OP unless he seems to be down or it’s affecting his mental health I would probably leave well alone and as you said he seems popular in work and has a good job so he doesn’t have a problem chatting to people so maybe he is just a loner and happy in his own company.


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  • #12
    eggy81
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,115 ✭✭✭eggy81


    Get him to take up golf ⛳ best thing I ever did as someone in my late 30s. The set up of how clubs operate make it naturally easy to be socially interactive.


  • #13
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    ronivek wrote:
    if he had a friend or two he would probably use them to chat about work a bit and maybe lessen the ‘burden’ on you in that respect.
    I didn't get an impression from the OP that there's a burden. I'd say more likely she's asking "how was work" when he gets home and he's responding to that.


  • #14
    Owlet
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭Owlet


    I'm sorry if I gave that impression. Dinner conversation is not my motivation. My motivation/concern are the statistics about male mental health and my deep worry that he has no other outlet in which to share the inevitable pressure he must feel from having a busy job, small children and a wife. We moved here in 2015 from living abroad for a few years (though he is Irish and grew up here) and I really struggled with my mental wellbeing until I made a few friends to share the load with. I am just worried about him now or in the future feeling the same. I'm sure my dinner conversation isn't always sparkling either. I guess I'm just worried that spending all your time thinking about one thing isn't all that healthy. Maybe it is though and that is fine.


  • #15
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 22,407 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    eggy81 wrote: »
    Get him to take up golf ⛳ best thing I ever did as someone in my late 30s. The set up of how clubs operate make it naturally easy to be socially interactive.

    What works for you may not be suitable for everyone. I, for example, could not imagine a lifestyle that had golf in it as I find watching it, talking about it and playing it tedious.

    OP - If your husband is not having any issues and is happy enough then leave him be.


  • #16
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    There's a horrible stigma that if someone doesn't have friends there must be something very wrong with them or they must be sad and lonely or unlovable, if you go though this forum - nearly every other week there are posts from well adjusted people with careers, normal interests and hobbies who don't have any friends. For whatever reason, allot of people just aren't good at making friends and aren't particularly social, some are very introverted, some are shy and theres nothing wrong with that.
    It will only bother your husband if you pressure him and make him feel that its something he should be bothered about.


  • #17
    eggy81
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,115 ✭✭✭eggy81


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    What works for you may not be suitable for everyone. I, for example, could not imagine a lifestyle that had golf in it as I find watching it, talking about it and playing it tedious.

    OP - If your husband is not having any issues and is happy enough then leave him be.

    True. I used to find it tedious myself. Only really tried it when I could play team sports anymore. Just a suggestion because it does make it easy to meet people and the conversation at times would be work or career centred depending on who you hapoen to pair with.


  • #18
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I think he's probably happy with just work and his family but you know him best OP. If he's been like this since you met him then it's probably by choice, if he's popular in work then that speaks volumes imo and maybe he has no interest in social occasions or small talk with acquaintances and I can relate to that. Has he been like this since as long as you know him or just more recently?


  • #19
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,303 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
    Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
    It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
    If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

    To thine own self be true



  • #20
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    Owlet wrote: »
    Title sums it up.

    I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

    Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.

    Just talk to him?

    You've been together for a few years and have kids and clearly all is good at home - I'm saying a person can't seek advice but I don't understand why you wouldn't just ask him?


  • #21
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,495 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Well if is happy with how it is then it’s ok.
    Plenty of people like their own time.

    If he is into motorbikes as you say.
    Then every year there are bike shows in Dublin it’s a good day out for the family and you will be part of a passion of his and get to see that side of him.

    Also there is a road racing season in Ireland although it usually finishes in august and I’m not sure how it faired this year.
    But next year you can go to a road race some weekend, again family can go and I am sure you will see him enjoying it.

    Also having a side kick makes it easier to break the first barrier of getting to know somebody.

    So maybe go with him to one of the bike meets and it will be a lot easier to break the ice with people.


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  • #22
    Man with broke phone
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Man with broke phone


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
    Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
    It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
    If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

    Sad for you maybe, they were probably having a great time riding.


  • #23
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,152 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Man with broke phone here in PI/RI a certain standard of posting is expected where posters are asked to reply to a thread in a manner that offers civil and constructive advice to an OP. Please bear this in mind and take a look at the Charter before posting again.

    Thanks.

    HS


  • #24
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
    Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
    It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
    If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

    I think it's easy to feel hurt by something like that happening, but you should be happy for your '2 very good friends' that they found someone to share their lives with that mean more to them that you do. That's harsh, but it's also the way it should be. You don't buy/build a home, start a family and raise children (or whatever family life is to someone else) with your friends. So in a sense, you were 'just' a friend. A spouse is supposed to be more than that. So friends should always come in a lower priority than your partner, children, parents etc.

    And for many, many people, they'll find contentment in life having just those people they'd want to prioritise in their lives. They don't have time to maintain relationships with other people who should really be living their own lives instead of being dependant on folks who have higher life priorities in many ways.


  • #25
    Moonbeams8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22 ✭Moonbeams8


    That was interesting to read JayZeus.

    OP, lots of people are happy in their own company. I used to worry that there was something wrong with me in my 20s because I wasn't a huge social butterfly but now at 31 I know who I am. I have friends but would only physically meet up a few times a year because like JayZeus' post above lots of us have different priorities now.


  • #26
    screamer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,174 ✭✭✭screamer


    You know him better than any of us internet strangers. I also manage people and when I moved to my first role in that I had to sever ties with old colleagues. You’d be surprised the insight being a people manager gives you, and how self reliant it makes you, as an awful lot of the stuff you deal with is confidential. So he may be well liked at work, but he may just be fed up of other people when he gets home and just happy to be in the company of family. I was very like that, my home and family were my haven, and I’ve managed head bangers that I could write books about. But personally speaking I have no friends by choice I may add. I’m married and have kids and my world revolves around them all. Friends from my experience aren’t worth the hassle, and I’ve always found it strange that grown adults need friends. If I’m going out for the night it’d be with my husband. My time is too precious to waste with friends. Now, I’m sure some people would find that strange, but for me, it’s how I like my life to be. Point being having no friends by choice does not mean one is lonely or unhappy.


  • #27
    kerryjack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,580 ✭✭✭kerryjack


    Wouldnt worry about it OP, Its family first for me as well, I do know a few lads that forgot to get married and they try to rescue me from this horrible life I am supposed to be living, I usually go away with the lads for a match onese a year, hate it to be honest, usually can't wait to get home and chill out with the wife and kids.


  • #28
    GreeBo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 27,253 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    Airyfairy12 wrote: »
    There's a horrible stigma that if someone doesn't have friends there must be something very wrong with them or they must be sad and lonely or unlovable, if you go though this forum - nearly every other week there are posts from well adjusted people with careers, normal interests and hobbies who don't have any friends. For whatever reason, allot of people just aren't good at making friends and aren't particularly social, some are very introverted, some are shy and theres nothing wrong with that.
    It will only bother your husband if you pressure him and make him feel that its something he should be bothered about.

    In my experience it's more that they are poor at keeping friends, making them isn't the problem!


  • #29
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,405 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    GreeBo wrote: »
    In my experience it's more that they are poor at keeping friends, making them isn't the problem!

    Everyones experience is different and we shouldnt generalise.


  • #30
    Outkast_IRE
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,516 ✭✭✭Outkast_IRE


    From my own colleagues in work I would generally find the ones with very active social lives are either heavily involved in team sports , or just outta college and not settled down, there are a few exceptions but not many .

    I myself as a married 34 year old male have just 2 or 3 close friends I have known a long time and make an effort to meet up with a few times a year.

    Once your husband is happy himself that's the main thing . If he feels like he needs more friends he needs to put himself out there and join up a few interests . Have a frank and open conversation about it but at the end of the day you need to be your own best friend , need to be happy in your own skin that needs to be priority no.1 .


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  • #31
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I’m really surprised at some of the posts here re people dumping their friends, or deliberately having no further interaction with friends as equating to having a “higher priority” in life than others who have friends as well as family. I don’t think thats a healthy way to be, and clearly the OP isn’t at ease with her partner being ‘family/work to the exclusion of all else’.

    In my view, true friends and family enrich your life. I don’t understand the “I have no time or interest in my friends since I got partnered up / married / had kids” attitude. To me that sounds like the ‘friends’ were only ever acquaintances or drinking buddies.

    I think it is a great thing to have both joint friends, when you’re in a relationship, and also separate friends that you can have a laugh / chat with. Or talk to about relationship and life stuff. The people who’ve commented here about no interest in friends makes me wonder what they’d do if their relationship broke up. Or their partner was very ill. Or died. I mean everyone needs support from someone over the course of their lives - but surely it’s also nice and good fun to have friends too??

    OP: While I wouldn’t think any less of anyone having not many friends (being an introvert myself, and finding it really stressful to make small talk), I do think it’s a good thing to not concentrate everything in a very few people. Diversity is good - even if it does sometimes mean being told to cop on (we all occasionally need to be told that!!). I also think it puts pressure on you, that you seem to be your husband’s only verbal outlet. I’m an introvert, and I totally understand how that could get wearing on you.

    I’m not sure what the solution is, but I’d say COVID is exacerbating things. Could you encourage him to reconnect with people? Or have a ‘beers zoom call’ with some work buddies? I do think that it’s comfortable for us introverted people to stick to what we know. But we’re not always socially inept! Does he have things he’s interested in - which particularly in current times mean that joining an online group might really suit him?


  • #32
    JasonStatham
    Closed Accounts Posts: 548 ✭✭✭JasonStatham


    If he's happy, leave him alone.


  • #33
    Yyhhuuu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 798 ✭✭✭Yyhhuuu


    I agree with last poster. If hes happy leave him alone. I myself find it very difficult to make new friends. I think with Covid one or two people I thought were friends didnt contact me it just made me appreciate how alone I was. Sometimes I find it hard to differentiate between friends and acquaintances. I was an only child so used to being on my own but it's nice to share things but I find it incredibly difficult to find people I can click with. I'm not sure what the best way is to meet new friends, I suppose sharing a common interest makes it easier to make new friends.


  • #34
    vikings2012
    Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭vikings2012


    OP, you know your husband the best. You have a feeling that he would like some company and mates, and your feeling is probably correct.

    For some this can be a difficult subject to bring up so I advise that you thread carefully.

    In his mindset, you might be his best friend who he 100% trust and counts on. By bringing up this topic, it might create a feeling of inadequacy for him or he might be of the opinion that you are bored of his friendship.

    Imagine if your best friend said to you, ‘I think you need to make more friends or be more social’, how would you feel?

    Unlike others here, I value my friendships a lot. I have a small circle but I find it has huge mental health benefits for me. I would probably meet up with one of pals at least once a week. It might be only a 20 min chat about something ****e but all the same I value it.


    Perhaps it’s no harm to find out your husbands opinions and views on maintaining friendships etc. You could start the conversation about your life and your friendships. E.g. pose the question to your husband - ‘do you think I have enough friends or do you think I should be more social’ . It’s a great way to find out his views on the topic while at the same time it doesn’t come across as you interfering.


  • #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 5,369 ✭ [Deleted User]


    The only time I miss not having a large group of friends is when there's a set event I would like to attend but have no one in my circle with a similar interest. It's at this stage that my wife remembers the bad times part of her vows and comes along.

    Other than that, I'm fine. I tick along and get enough socialising from the couple of times I meet up with people.


  • #36
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,495 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    I presume in your 20’s people are more worried about social norms and what people think.
    As you get older you sort of come to a realisation that there isn’t something wrong you, it’s who you are and you settle down.

    In my own experience anyway.


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  • #37
    ronivek
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,916 ✭✭✭ronivek


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    In my view, true friends and family enrich your life. I don’t understand the “I have no time or interest in my friends since I got partnered up / married / had kids” attitude. To me that sounds like the ‘friends’ were only ever acquaintances or drinking buddies.

    Good for you if you can easily make multiple meaningful friendships; it doesn't come so easily to everyone.

    Furthermore not everyone needs more than one or two close relationships to feel reasonably fulfilled and content with their lot. In fact I would argue if you have many 'close relationships' the reality is maybe they're not as close as you seem to think they are.


  • #38
    Mad_maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,503 ✭✭✭✭Mad_maxx


    Owlet wrote: »
    Title sums it up.

    I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

    Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.

    Guy's rarely are interested in accepting new friends into their group come a certain age so meet ups etc rarely lead to anything

    You can be perfectly sociable and be unable to make new friends


  • #39
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,285 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    OP- I genuinely don't remember the last time I interacted socially with anyone other than my wife and children.
    I talk (in passing) to one guy from work (we've a few things in common- including the fact that we're both adopted and both IT nerds- but other than that- I don't remember talking to another guy- about anything- in a long long time.

    Yes- it gets lonely at times- but then one or the other of my kids gives me a hug- and the world seems a better place.

    My wifey- has a close friend who she rings every single day- they have a natter, compare notes, support one another.
    I'm sure there are guys out there who do something similar- but I'm certainly not one of them.
    Sure- there are some guys who go cycling, or running, or watch football, or go to the pub for a pint (or three) once a week (or more often)- but there are also some of us who don't. Different people are wired differently- and have different wants or needs for social interactions- and you and your hubby might just be two such people with different needs- his might be fulfilled with his interactions with you and your children- whereas you might have a need for a wider social group.

    I don't think its even a man/woman thing- I've neighbours who are female both with and without partners- who are similar to your hubby- and then an elderly next door neighbour (male who never married) was completely the opposite- he *needed* to interact with as many people as humanely possible- often refusing to let them go on their way, accosting them in the street and thinking nothing of talking for an hour about a football match, the weather- or whatever.

    Different people are different.


  • #40
    Coybig_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭Coybig_


    For me OP, a lot of my friends I acquired when I was at a different point in my life. These are lads that I used to go to the pub with every weekend religiously and play 5 a side with regularly.

    I'm at a point in my life where I'm a bit over the pub scene and don't enjoy it as much. I dont like the hangovers and due to me not drinking much anymore I dont have a big tolerance so I cant keep up with my friends.

    I do have a handful of friends who I would keep in contact with now but even some of those have probably grown apart from me in terms of interest.

    I go to matches with some of them, but I have brothers and a father with for that too. I see my friends once every 3-4 weeks and that suits me fine.
    I'm honestly more content chilling out with my pets.


  • #41
    Bobtheman
    Site Banned Posts: 2,799 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    Everyone is different. My wife doesn't need friends as much as I do. I just wish at times she had a wider circle so she would have a more rounded view on certain things.
    However I think he sounds like he could do with a hobby. There isn't a person alive that could not benefit from something extra


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  • #42
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
    Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
    It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
    If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

    And when it all goes south and they break up, they inevitably come crawling back. Pathetic doesn't begin to describe it. They don't even see how ridiculous they look.


  • #43
    Kylta
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta


    I'm in my 50s and separated, and single at the moment. I'm fortunate enough to have many friends from my teens to work. I think when you start settling down with small kids the tendency is to concentrate more on your family than friends. The trick is not to lose friends. If off shortly for a break with two mates one married and one single(saying that im comfortable holiday on my own ) I know women make friends quicker with other women( they love to gossip/backbite/nag etc). But men are sometimes awkward at making friendships when they get older. But men should really make the effort because has we get older and we retire if we have nothing on our mind our things to do that's when I believe you mental health will suffer.


  • #44
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    1) This question could only have been posed by a woman.

    2) Where is a man who takes his career seriously while raising young kids and keeping on top of household stuff supposed to get the energy for socialising?

    3) It is perfectly normal for a man to want to spend his limited amount of free time in the company of himself and his family. It's called home. Home is, or at least ought to be, a sanctuary from the world.

    4) You seem to have a good man there. Stop this headwrecking and give the man love and attention. Kindness. Sex. Hugs. Conversation. Listen. Keep it simple. See Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs under 'Love and belonging". He could be off every night and boring you to death with his soccer obsession or something equally stultifying. It's a blessing to have somebody so easily satisfied and not spending hours a week on the phone bitching about frenemies, or the latest, vacuous reality tv rubbish.

    5) It's almost as if you are the one uncomfortable with his spending so much time in your family home and you'd like a break from him. If so, perhaps think about why this is the case?


  • #45
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    1) This question could only have been posed by a woman.
    >> that is really unfair, and sexist

    2) Where is a man who takes his career seriously while raising young kids and keeping on top of household stuff supposed to get the energy for socialising?
    >> a lot of people, male and female, have a full and busy life, with many obligations. This is not exclusive to men. Many people, make and female, enjoy having hobbies and friends overlapping with or outside of their relationship with their partner

    3) It is perfectly normal for a man to want to spend his limited amount of free time in the company of himself and his family. It's called home. Home is, or at least ought to be, a sanctuary from the world.
    >> home is hopefully a safe and happy place. This does not mean that it should be so to the exclusion of any other outside interests, or other people. I believe that it’s good and healthy to have varied interests, and groups of people in your life.

    4) You seem to have a good man there. Stop this headwrecking and give the man love and attention. Kindness. Sex. Hugs. Conversation. Listen. Keep it simple. See Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs under 'Love and belonging". He could be off every night and boring you to death with his soccer obsession or something equally stultifying. It's a blessing to have somebody so easily satisfied and not spending hours a week on the phone bitching about frenemies, or the latest, vacuous reality tv rubbish.
    >> it’s not the 1950’s. Women have a tad more aspirations these days than ‘a good man’. Your comments actually read like a US manual for the 1950’s housewife about how to please your man. I think the OP has made it clear that she’d like her partner to have more diversity of people in his life. I don’t think practically telling her to have his dinner on the table with a smile is going to help. It’s actually quite offensive

    5) It's almost as if you are the one uncomfortable with his spending so much time in your family home and you'd like a break from him. If so, perhaps think about why this is the case?
    >> dear god. If she isnt devoted to lapping up his every word - and ALL of his words being directed to her - then she should examine her relationship?!

    I actually struggle to think of your post as anything other than the genuinely most misogynistic post that I’ve read in ages. The OP is not entirely happy, and some will agree with her that her point is valid, and others will not. Such is life. People will offer their own point of view or experience here, and it may resonate with the OP or give perhaps an alternative perspective.

    But telling her to suck it up and act like a grateful 1950’s housewife. JFC.

    OP, how you feel is, well, how you feel. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or wrong - and neither is your partner. I’d hope that the points of view and suggestions on this thread give you the confidence to make some very gentle suggestions, and possibly changes in your family life. You are not wrong for wanting something a little bit different in your family dynamic. I wish you all the best in trying to find a - mutual - happy equilibrium


  • #46
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    it’s not the 1950’s. Women have a tad more aspirations these days than ‘a good man’. Your comments actually read like a US manual for the 1950’s housewife about how to please your man.

    Wow. You managed to manipulate a comment about having a good man into something negative and play the victim card. Impressive victimhood there.
    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I think the OP has made it clear that she’d like her partner to have more diversity of people in his life.

    Yes, and no doubt if he'd try to control the number of people she had in her life the same way you'd be at the very top of the queue screaming "control!", "abuse!", and all the rest.
    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I don’t think practically telling her to have his dinner on the table with a smile is going to help.

    Wow. You've serious issues there. Nobody actually said or implied that so quit the ridiculous paranoia. She is trying to control his preferences. She needs to respect his right and not impose her views on the value of friendship on him. The underlying "He's not normal" value judgement because he refuses to create those friendships is more of the same intolerance. A wholescale lack of acceptance for him as he is, and I suspect a lack of empathy for what he has experienced in previous socialising that contribute to his present preferences.
    qwerty13 wrote: »
    But telling her to suck it up and act like a grateful 1950’s housewife. JFC.

    That's some chip on your shoulder. She's trying to impose her values re friendship on his life. He is happy without having friends. She needs to respect his preferences and respect his right to not put time into friendships. It's quite straightforward, actually. Introducing the "You're abusing women" card when the woman's imposition is objected to is pathetic.


  • #47
    Blush_01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Wow. You managed to manipulate a comment about having a good man into something negative and play the victim card. Impressive victimhood there.



    Yes, and no doubt if he'd try to control the number of people she had in her life the same way you'd be at the very top of the queue screaming "control!", "abuse!", and all the rest.



    Wow. You've serious issues there. Nobody actually said or implied that so quit the ridiculous paranoia. She is trying to control his preferences. She needs to respect his right and not impose her views on the value of friendship on him. The underlying "He's not normal" value judgement because he refuses to create those friendships is more of the same intolerance. A wholescale lack of acceptance for him as he is, and I suspect a lack of empathy for what he has experienced in previous socialising that contribute to his present preferences.



    That's some chip on your shoulder. She's trying to impose her values re friendship on his life. He is happy without having friends. She needs to respect his preferences and respect his right to not put time into friendships. It's quite straightforward, actually. Introducing the "You're abusing women" card when the woman's imposition is objected to is pathetic.

    It's impressive how you've taken a question from a person who has openly taken positive suggestions on this thread already and tried to twist it into a pretzel of misandry.

    Maybe you need your own thread, rather than hijacking one raised by a partner who cares for her OH and wants to support him, and is willing to acknowledge some of her frustrations could definitely be about the changed dynamic and come from her.

    Ultimately, the OP cares about her OH and wants to enable him to be happy if she can. She's not looking for a primer on how to be a wife from someone with their own agenda.


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