The Dancer and the Dance.

Nevyn · 09-09-2003 12:34pm #1

The Dancer and the Dance.

The music pulses, thumps, bounces and beats,
Over it the sound of laughter and the slapping of feet.
Primal, Tribal, harking back to the dawn of man,
Beyond even Adam that delved and Eve that span.

Joy of expression, freedom of movement
Body writhing, wriggling and bent,
Flung out as if flying; then tight as a ball.
All at once she seems to run, slighter and crawl.

Trailing tresses, that have never been cut,
She squeezes her eyes tight shut,
Twisting, twirling, holding on to nought
She circles east, then south, then west, then north

Round and round and round and round
Gathering first speed and then sound
Till she slips and falls unto the ground
She places a hand to her head and does Pronounce
“ Mama, I fell and got an Ouch “

________________________________

written this morning

Puck · 09-09-2003 12:58pm

I like the rythm. However if I may offer a little constructive criticism to make it flow off the tongue better (I'm no expert of course, this is just my opinion):

I'll just go through the first verse to illustrate my point. Try taking out "Over it" in the second line to make the line "Sound of laughter and the slapping of feet." This reduces the number of syllables in the line and keeps it in time better with the rythm of the poem. Also, for the same reasons, I'd take the word "Harking" out of the third line and "even" out of the first line. You still get the same feel and images from the lines but they flow easier in my opinion

I'll leave it at the first verse because I'm sure you can see what I'm getting at now and I don't want to change all of your poem.

I do really like the rythm though, it just seemed to stall on a few lines because of too many syllables.

It's a very nice poem.

Nevyn · 09-09-2003 3:05pm

it is ment to stall the rythm is not ment to be continus for the rythm of the dance would not be as it is wild and unrestrained.

but thank you

BEAT · 09-09-2003 10:55pm

Ahh, Thaed, very nice indeed.
Do you have a small child? at first I was picturing a pagan dance round a fire, then at the end My view totally changed to a child jumping round, bouncing off the walls if you will. That last line reveals it all...I enjoyed it very much...wouldnt change a thing.

Nevyn · 10-09-2003 12:40am

Beat in fact two of them and the Twist the end was fun. This was inspired by my lil 3 year old in the kitchen this morning moving about to Muse

BEAT · 10-09-2003 1:05am

Me thought so

I dig the way you take an experience and interpret it in your own creativity...groovy chick, really groovy

Ever thought of getting your work published? just from the samples I have seen I know you could get a deal. Or do you perhaps use this talent in your everyday life already?
What do you do for a living, may I ask?

spooky donkey · 11-09-2003 8:29am

Yeah ive seen this dance many times, its a sight to behold. It wasent a twint for me as I had the inside track on this poem, made it easier for me to visualise, it made me feel tired and dizzy reading it!

spooky donkey · 11-09-2003 8:49pm

BTW in case it dident come across in my earlier post, i did like the poem, timing was good, and I could relate to it.

Just a certian person dident think I liked it cause i dident just come out and say it! Its a good Poem imho!

DriftingRain · 18-09-2003 3:40pm

I could dance with the lil one!!! We could bug the momma together!;)

The Dancer and the Dance.

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