Kerry

So here's my story then:

Richard’s Trip to Kerry


Many years ago, I went to this area that is known to most of you as “Kerry”. The place is not as you would know it. It is truly a foreign land of mystical proportions. Any-who, the first thing you should know is how time works there, or rather, how time works here. Here, the gravitational pull of the earth causes a warp in the fabric of space-time. Making time move slowly. In Kerry this is not the case. There is no warp there so time moves a lot faster, meaning there’s more time to experience there. As a result, in the past few weeks, you people have aged a few weeks, while I have aged over four years. (You see how you can use science babble like in Star Trek to make something seem like it makes sense, but in reality what I just said came directly from my ass) Incidentally, I’ll be 21 on Saturday, so Happy Birthday to me!
When I first arrived in Kerry, the first thing that happened to the family was our car was confiscated. This was a bit of a bummer. Cars are not allowed in this place, so my father asked what the hell people used to get around the place. The answer was the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. You see, in Kerry, they are much smarter than we. They care much more for their environment. So because of this, we had to trade our car in for a species unique to the land of Kerry. It’s called a shirnote. It would be best described as a giant turtle. What people do in Kerry, is they ride around on these creatures, and that’s how they get around the place. It’s kinda weird, but after you get used to it, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without riding turtles. They feel a lot more natural than cars do, and even if cars were allowed, they would not function properly. The reason for this is simple.
Most areas consist of roads. They need these roads in order to have people travel about the place. But in Kerry, they instead have rivers. Rivers for the shirnotes to swim in. They travel quite fast in these streams of the land. But you may be wondering, what if they are travelling upstream. Well, for some reason, the water in Kerry does not react to gravity. I know you may be thinking that this defies all logic, and it does. BUT IT’S TRUE! In Kerry, the water has a mind of it’s own. But the King of Kerry, “Steven” rules over the water with an Iron fist! He has basically enslaved the water. It does as he tells it to, so it travels where he tells it to go. The water doesn’t really mind which way it goes. It needs to be constantly moving anyway, so it just goes where it’s told. Else it’ll get whacked be Steven’s fire stick. Now Steven’s stick is VERY long. Anything that gets whacked by it suffers pain. It is said that if Steven desires, he can give a sensation that is said to be the opposite of pain, while still being a physical feeling. But this is only a legend, it’s not confirmed to be true. Anyway, the water travels in two directions like we have two directions of traffic in one road. They kind of have two “water lanes”. And that’s how the turtles travel around the place.
One of the major changes to get used to is the grass there. They call it grass, but it’s not the traditional kind. It seems to be the same shape and all, but it looks as though it’s on fire. Little tiny flames scattered in someone’s garden. They are not hot to touch, nor can the flames spread. But they do give off light. And the flames never go out. It is a pleasant sight to have in your garden. There is this race of humans in Kerry that seem to have some genetic similarity to this grass. It looks as though their heads are on fire. And you may be thinking, “Woah, I wish my hair looked like that!” but you do not want this. ALL YOU HAIR WILL LOOK LIKE THAT. Not just on your head. These people have glowing crotches! Those with underarm, leg and chest hair look like they’re on fire, and they constantly get people throwing water all over them. They’re eyebrows look really funny too. Among this race, it has become popular to have full body waxes. I think it makes them look even weirder, but they do it because they say they’ve had enough of morons watering them.
You may think that they are a minority or something with that huge urge to change, but they’re not. There are thousands of races in Kerry of different species, so there’s a lot less of them than there are of every other race combined. There is a race of Lego people that live in huge Lego constructed houses. Eons ago they fought a war with the duplo race and one, killing all the duplo kind. (Duplo are those huge blocks that rival Lego right? If not then when I say Duplo, I mean those big huge crappy non-lego blocks.) Anyway, that’s all behind them. The Lego people don’t reproduce the way we do. They kind of live forever, but when there population gets too low because people die from getting eaten or something, they just build some more people.
One of the most dangerous things that I encountered was an odd tree like creature. It looks like a tree but it’s fooling you. It’s called an ersthlay. It just wait’s around for days on end for some poor unhappy sap to come along and then BAM! It opens its mouth, ties it’s very long tongue around you and swallows you whole. It’s a really weird creature that likes the taste of humans depending on their name. I think it finds the name Jerry most pleasing. But it hates the taste of the name Richard. (Oh yeah)
There is a person who lives in Kerry whom many of you will know. It’s the Predator! The one who played the Predator in the movie Predator with Arnold Schwarzengerman. He lives and works in Kerry. He mainly does theatre these days, and I saw him in quite an amazing production of Twelve Angry Men (Someone tell me who wrote that). I actually got to talk to him and he said it sucked ass working with Arnold. The man just could not be tolerated. He lives in Kerry ‘cause that’s where the rest of his people live.
The last thing I’ll tell you of (Thanks for reading this far I really appreciate it) is the sky system. Now, over here, we have two sort of “stages” for the sky. In Kerry, they have eight. Here we have day (blue) and night (black). In kerry, they have red orange yellow green blue indigo violet and black. The current colour of the sky is depended on how many turtles are on the rivers. It’s confusing so bear with me. Ever day there are 1440 minutes. For every minute, you count how many turtles there are on the rivers. After the whole day, the amount of turtles counted is divided by 1440. The amount of minutes, so by doing this you get the average amount of turtles at any given time.
O.K. This is where it starts to get confusing. What you do is, you get the average, lets say 350 turtles. And you multiply that number by 2. Giving you 700 turtles. Then, this amount of turtles is divided up into eight sections, 0-100, 100-200, 200-300, 300-400, 400-500, 500-600, 600-700 and over 700. Maybe you see where I’m going with this, but now you have eight sections. Now after the day is over, and you’re onto the next day and the average for the previous day was 350, you have these eight sections. The colour of the sky is determined by the amount of turtles there are on the road. In this example, 0-100 would give a red sky. 100-200 would give an orange sky, and so on all the way up the spectrum. Forgive me if I got it in the wrong order. When the amount of turtles exceeds 700 as in this example, the sky will turn black.



If you want to comment on my work in a negative way, e-mail me at mystic_fibrosis@ctyizens.com
If you think my work was one of genius then send your comment to my real e-mail address at spong@oceanfree.net

Further babble:
I have much more to add to this but I figure it’s too much to put in. I might write the whole thing out sometime, but it’d be much too big to read in one sitting. Anyway, I think I’ve said what’s important. If you have any suggestions on something to add, or any questions please submit them to my real address. This was originally a way to pass the time during my family vacation in Kerry. If you’re going to respond, then wish me a happy birthday for Saturday if you cannot see me then. I’m going to be 21, so I’ll be REALLY old. Please note that it’s only going to be my birthday on Saturday if the tale of Kerry was true. Which it was but it’s up to you if you want to believe it.