Military History of France

CuLT · 22-08-2003 12:11am #1

A satirical approach to French military history, entertaining

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Taken from compuglobalhypermega.net
Military History of France

Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." -Donald Rumsfeld

PHB · 22-08-2003 2:11pm

American crap in all fairness

The Beer Baron · 22-08-2003 5:52pm

It's amusing but yeah- I smell the nacent pong of freedom fries floating in the air.

Scorpio: "Bye the way Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?"
Homer: "Uh...France"
Scorpio: "Ha, Ha! Nobody ever says Italy"

'Sides, it's only one way of looking at it.
Historically France was a major superpower, second only to Britain. They didn't become that by merely twiddling their moustaches and chopping off a lot of heads. Ultimatly, the French were always number two- (aw haw haw!) but they certainly kept the british empire on their toes.

It also seems to sidestep the Napoleonic Wars completly by reffering to him as a Corsican- tisk tisk.

And if America wants to bitch at the French they really need to consider the historical ramifications of the French Revolution and the ramifications it has had upon its own fledgling nation.

Then again- yeah- stupid french.

/me considers playing CivIII and nuking Poiters again.

Éomer of Rohan · 25-08-2003 1:48am

It's a real pity that CivIII can't reflect real life - if it did, I've conquered the USA, burned the Washington DC to the ground and instituted world wide classical greek civilsation with a communist variant of direct democracy fifty times over.

Seriously though, the French carved themselves an empire with many a victory; for example in the far east - in India, in Indo-China and in the near East like Egypt and Syria before they were removed from French control either by Britain or by the end of the Age of Imperialism.

But I thought maybe, to be fair, someone should set the record straight with a nice satirical look at significant involvements by the USA across the world so...

1894 Nicaragua. Invasion of the Bluefields. Glorious victory against the stone throwing peasents. Which explains the five further invasions between then and 1912, after which they occupied the country for 20 years. And were 'gloriously victorious' as they evacuated too.

1913 Mexico. Marines are gloriously victorious while running for their lives through a crowd of peasents on their way to the border.

1917 - 18 Europe. The first time that the USA 'saved our asses'....while waiting for three years to make sure they arrived on the winning side, not to mention waiting for the end of the Hindenburg-Ludendorff Offensive.

1918 - 22 Russia. A glorious victory against the evil forces of communism. Russia is freed by American forces and enjoys the next 80 years as an American puppet....I mean ally. Or not.

1941 - 45 Worldwide. A staunch defender of freedom and democracy everywhere, the USA declare unequivocal support for the United Kingdom, France and Poland...by offering to host peace negotiations with Hitler.

1948 - 49 China. Marines wonder what the hell they're playing at, being in this great big country just as all hell breaks loose. They make a break for the beach and watch on as Chiang Kai-Shek's nationalists wave at them as those same nationalists steal their boats to sail to Taiwan. A glorious victory.

1950 - 53 Korea. Stop 'em at the 38th Parallel maybe......though being able to save Seoul would be nice.....maybe not? How about Pusan then? Nope. We need to threaten them with nuclear weapons.

1960 - 75 Viet Nam. America piles in troops and money, the creme de la creme of the US, with carrier air groups on station and the airforce based in force in South Vietnam. American troops suffer carpet burn at the speed with which Saigon is evacuated.

1971 - 73 Cambodia. US bombs Cambodia. Subsequently the US marines are invited in for dinner when they encounter villages. More accurately, to BE dinner.

1990 - (?) Iraq. Gulf War ends in a resounding success for those irrepressible defenders of democracy and fairness as the Kuwaiti dictatorship is restored to power.

2001 Afghanistan. Blitzkrieg of US forces destroying the Taliban.

2003 Afghanistan. Well, ok, maybe they're going easy on the Taliban.

2003 Iraq. Second Gulf War removing Saddam Hussein from power. US forces suppress Iraqi people as they revolt from US occupation, killing six to twelve Iraqis each day of the occupation.

2006 Iraq. Mr Rumsfeld gets rather tired of explaining that the guns being shot at American soldiers are simply a friendly traditional Iraqi form of greeting and US forces withdraw.

The Beer Baron · 25-08-2003 8:57pm

amusing and accurate.

coulda stuck the boot in more about Nam tho.

And you left out Somalia altogether.
(I would've too had I not seen Black Hawk down last week)

Let's not forget the Bay of Pigs either.

spooiirt!! · 23-09-2003 4:48pm

the french are funny. the germans overran them in like two minutes, and occupied them for about four years. only with the help of the other allies were they liberated. yet they still go on about their "Grande Nation"!
i think thats quite stupid, but tháts just me.

remember in the simpsons, when some guy refers to the french as " our allies who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily"
i couldnt have put it any better

23-09-2003 6:13pm

the help of the other allies were they liberated. yet they still go on about their "Grande Nation"!

Remind you of the Irish perhaps?

Every nation out there can be put in this category at some stage in their history..........

spooiirt!! · 27-09-2003 9:00pm

yeah youre right. still french military pride is still laughable.
for me at least

lili · 27-09-2003 9:17pm

Originally posted by Éomer of Rohan
It's a real pity that CivIII can't reflect real life - if it did, I've conquered the USA, burned the Washington DC to the ground and instituted world wide classical greek civilsation with a communist variant of direct democracy fifty times over.

Seriously though, the French carved themselves an empire with many a victory; for example in the far east - in India, in Indo-China and in the near East like Egypt and Syria before they were removed from French control either by Britain or by the end of the Age of Imperialism.

But I thought maybe, to be fair, someone should set the record straight with a nice satirical look at significant involvements by the USA across the world so...

1894 Nicaragua. Invasion of the Bluefields. Glorious victory against the stone throwing peasents. Which explains the five further invasions between then and 1912, after which they occupied the country for 20 years. And were 'gloriously victorious' as they evacuated too.

1913 Mexico. Marines are gloriously victorious while running for their lives through a crowd of peasents on their way to the border.

1917 - 18 Europe. The first time that the USA 'saved our asses'....while waiting for three years to make sure they arrived on the winning side, not to mention waiting for the end of the Hindenburg-Ludendorff Offensive.

1918 - 22 Russia. A glorious victory against the evil forces of communism. Russia is freed by American forces and enjoys the next 80 years as an American puppet....I mean ally. Or not.

1941 - 45 Worldwide. A staunch defender of freedom and democracy everywhere, the USA declare unequivocal support for the United Kingdom, France and Poland...by offering to host peace negotiations with Hitler.

1948 - 49 China. Marines wonder what the hell they're playing at, being in this great big country just as all hell breaks loose. They make a break for the beach and watch on as Chiang Kai-Shek's nationalists wave at them as those same nationalists steal their boats to sail to Taiwan. A glorious victory.

1950 - 53 Korea. Stop 'em at the 38th Parallel maybe......though being able to save Seoul would be nice.....maybe not? How about Pusan then? Nope. We need to threaten them with nuclear weapons.

1960 - 75 Viet Nam. America piles in troops and money, the creme de la creme of the US, with carrier air groups on station and the airforce based in force in South Vietnam. American troops suffer carpet burn at the speed with which Saigon is evacuated.

1971 - 73 Cambodia. US bombs Cambodia. Subsequently the US marines are invited in for dinner when they encounter villages. More accurately, to BE dinner.

1990 - (?) Iraq. Gulf War ends in a resounding success for those irrepressible defenders of democracy and fairness as the Kuwaiti dictatorship is restored to power.

2001 Afghanistan. Blitzkrieg of US forces destroying the Taliban.

2003 Afghanistan. Well, ok, maybe they're going easy on the Taliban.

2003 Iraq. Second Gulf War removing Saddam Hussein from power. US forces suppress Iraqi people as they revolt from US occupation, killing six to twelve Iraqis each day of the occupation.

2006 Iraq. Mr Rumsfeld gets rather tired of explaining that the guns being shot at American soldiers are simply a friendly traditional Iraqi form of greeting and US forces withdraw.

good post:)

what to say?
answering to american bashers without culture?
waste of time:)

Capt'n Midnight · 27-09-2003 9:26pm

Don't forget the French (like the Americans) have the Neutron bomb - they ain't afraid of testing them either.

Also unlike the UK who don't have enough submarines to guarantee more than ONE on patrol all the time (once you find it, you can take out the Scottish base at the same time - no UK deterent) The French also have missiles and mach 2 nuclear bombers.

And the Foreign Legion are still a tough bounch..
There was an assult course down in Guiana - swamps etc. the US marines took several hours to complete it - wading through mud etc. (lots of shouting "lets go..." ) when the got they found the FL had a different technique for swamps - they formed a human bridge the next link in the chain going over the top etc.. Took them about 27 minutes.

Éomer of Rohan · 27-09-2003 9:33pm

Quoted from Capt'n Midnight
And the Foreign Legion are still a tough bounch..

This misses the point really. The forces of Imperialism will always be stronger and faster and less easy to hit - but look at Indo-China (Remember Dien Bien Phu?) and Algeria. The Foreign Legion, when engaged in a manner not in line with standard military doctrine and without the suppression of the native peoples were annihilated (or saved by buying off the attackers).

Quoted from lili
what to say?
answering to american bashers without culture?
waste of time

Are you saying I have no culture?

lili · 27-09-2003 9:38pm

mais non:)
i was not talking about you.

Éomer of Rohan · 27-09-2003 9:46pm

Then excuse my presumption. Please clarify.

lili · 27-09-2003 10:11pm

Originally posted by Éomer of Rohan
Then excuse my presumption. Please clarify.

sorry, it's cause my english.
the first sentence of my post was for you.
the rest was for those who bash frenchies. maybe i had to say "french bashers"?

Capt'n Midnight · 28-09-2003 9:20pm

Dien Bien Phu - Big mistake was underestimating the enemy - because the difficulty of getting guns in place was considered to great by the Europeans. Once you are in a valley surrounded and overlooked by guns you have lost, no matter who you are - big tatical error - which the Americans repeated to a certain extent..

But the French were fighting the Vietnamese since '45 to 54 the same number of years Americans were ther (in force ) ?
Oh but the Aussies and Koreans were helping the Yanks.

Anyway the US has made 400 treaties with "native americans" and broken ALL OF THEM.

Other Highlights of American Military History
Cuba 1898-1902 , 1906-9 Strike breaking 1917-22 bay of pigs 61
Honduras 1907,1911,1924, Forced Treaty 1916
Nicaragua 1912-25,1927-33,1980's fund counter revolution
Mexico - Occupataion of Veracruz 1914 Invasion 1916-7,1994 North american "Free Trade" agreement.
Dominican republic 1916-24, 1965
Greece 1947 - gave aid to Govt
Guatemala - 1954 right wing coup
Chile 1970-73 covert op's against elected govt
Nicaragua 1979 - USA failed to prevent Sandinistas wining
Argentina - 1946 action against Perón
Bolivia 1952 - suppressoin of popular revolution
El Salvador 1980-88
Haiti 1994

Panama - canal zone since 1914,1989 Noriega*
This was because Carter had signed a treaty to allow the
Panamanians to control thier canal. Regan went in Killed most of the panamanian army and then because they couldn't defend the canal anymore - they had to resign it back to the US...

And of course Greneda (illegal even under US law) 1983

And who could ever forget the invasion of Canada, the Americans certainly try to, they got beaten.

Military History of France

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