Gym staff making sexual comments

LegacyUser · 18-02-2019 10:47pm #1

Theres a member of staff at the gym I go to who struts around making sexual remarks and stares at women working out. He has made comments to my friends - they love the attention and see the funny side of it, the man is very attractive and they like flirting with him, its harmless fun as they see it. He has made sexual comments to me but it made me want to turn around and walk out of the gym, I moved to another space away from him but felt annoyed that I had to do this. Im a quiet person, im reserved and I find that attention uncomfortable, it makes me feel self conscious and to be completely honest I find it offensive, to me he comes across as a creep but because he's attractive other women in the gym seem to really like him.
I don't want to come across as a prude or uptight, I know this man is harmless and does it to every woman in the gym and he's just a flirt but I cant shake the feeling of being uncomfortable everytime I go in and he's working. All the staff in the gym are young and friends with one another so I dont think complaining about him will do much good, it could also draw attention to myself which I dont want.
How can I deal with it? Am I being uptight? I dont want to change gym, its the only one local and its good value for money. Id feel a bit silly leaving my current gym over this. Should I just suck it up and try to ignore him?

GreeBo · 19-02-2019 10:17am

Can you give an idea of what comments he is making so we can judge (for ourselves) if they are inappropriate or if you are being overly sensitive?

baby and crumble · 19-02-2019 10:30am

GreeBo wrote: »

Can you give an idea of what comments he is making so we can judge (for ourselves) if they are inappropriate or if you are being overly sensitive?

Does it matter? If she's uncomfortable she's uncomfortable. Nobody should have to listen to some idiot making sexual comments if they don't want to hear it.

You're a paying customer, OP, and you have a right to work out in peace. Having said that, if you don't feel like talking to him or other staff about it then you've two options.

1) Find a new gym. Not ideal.

2) Get a really good pair of gym headphones and block everything out while you're working out, and even while you're coming and going in the place. It won't stop him being a douchebag but it'll stop you hearing it.

....... · 19-02-2019 10:33am

When I work out I wear headphones and if anyone passed any comment I wouldnt hear it. If someone was staring at me I would ask them if they were ok, did they want to speak to me?

It would be good to have an idea of the type of comments being made, although tbh any kind of mouthing off in the gym is unacceptable imo, especially from staff.

If you are unable to freeze him out by listening to your music, then next time he makes a comment to you tell him that you are there to workout and do not appreciate his comments. If he continues, report him.

woodchuck · 19-02-2019 10:35am

GreeBo wrote: »

Can you give an idea of what comments he is making so we can judge (for ourselves) if they are inappropriate or if you are being overly sensitive?

It's the impact, not the intention. The OP is not here to be judged, but to get advice. She has already said the remarks are sexual, there is no need to expand further.

OP I'm guessing you wouldn't feel comfortable having a word with him about this or talking to management about the issue? Aside from the suggestions already made, an anonymous letter could be an option. You wouldn't even have to name the particular employee if you aren't comfortable, but you could generally raise the issue about sexual remarks being made by staff. It might prompt them to remind all staff to behave professionally without having to single him out.

The Satanist · 19-02-2019 10:37am

That behaviour isn't acceptable. If it makes you uncomfortable, upset or vulnerable then he isn't suitable for employment there.

He wouldn't get away with it if he worked in a supermarket/factory/bus driver, a gym is no different.

Write a letter of complaint to management, that would be my first step.

Markcheese · 19-02-2019 10:39am

Find out what the managers e-mail address is, and send a message, be fair and clear, to show that others enjoy it but it's for you.. And let the manager deal with it... If it doesn't change by a few weeks time, change gym...
No point paying for a service you're not comfortable using...

punisher5112 · 19-02-2019 10:48am

Why not say it to him when nobody else is about.

Stand up for yourself if you aren't happy.

Just state you don't like any of those comments.

I couldn't imagine saying anything like he does.....

meeeeh · 19-02-2019 10:55am

Did you tell him to stop? While I think he is a bit of a moron you will have to stand up for yourself and tell him to stop. You are paying for the service, he only works there, it's you who has the power and you will have to use it. If he doesn't stop then complain to the management.

Xterminator · 19-02-2019 11:02am

Hi Op

i think you have a right to feel undisturbed using the service you paid for - IE the Gym. But the gym attendant may not mean to make you uncomfortable, and as you suggested in your post it may be that some users respond well to what he is doing saying.

i would be a big advocate of telling him to his face that makes me uncomfortable , please keep comments professional. If that didn't work, then id have a word with the manager.

It does speak to the levels of professionalism and training provided by the gym for its staff.

GreeBo · 19-02-2019 11:06am

baby and crumble wrote: »

Does it matter? If she's uncomfortable she's uncomfortable. Nobody should have to listen to some idiot making sexual comments if they don't want to hear it.

You're a paying customer, OP, and you have a right to work out in peace. Having said that, if you don't feel like talking to him or other staff about it then you've two options.

1) Find a new gym. Not ideal.

2) Get a really good pair of gym headphones and block everything out while you're working out, and even while you're coming and going in the place. It won't stop him being a douchebag but it'll stop you hearing it.

Yes it matters because the guy could be saying "good form" or "looking good today" and the OP could be completely overreacting, so maybe trying to get the guy fired isn't the correct approach.
"If it makes you uncomfortable, upset or vulnerable then he isn't suitable for employment there."

I would strongly disagree that "itst he impact not the intention". If that was the case then anyone could get anyone fired for anything and we'd have snowflakes everywhere. (Not saying the OP is a snowflake, but we have no idea what this instructor is saying so have no way of knowing and advising the correct course of action)

LegacyUser · 19-02-2019 11:22am

My reaction initially was to politely but pointedly make it clear directly to him to stop. "Please stop commenting on me it makes me uncomfortable" or something like that... But it sounds like a love-in gym with all "the guys" (staff) banting off each. I'd be fairly sure they'd speak/gossip to each other (even about the most discreet things). I wouldn't want to isolate myself.

So, for me I'd go anonymous generalized letter about certain staff passing remarks/inappropriate at times making some members uncomfortable. or would just move on elsewhere.

I know it's not a very courageous move & I'd make a different decision in a different environment (work, home, society, team group etc) but for me a gym run like this I wouldn't direct too much attention to myself.

....... · 19-02-2019 11:22am

GreeBo wrote: »

Yes it matters because the guy could be saying "good form" or "looking good today" and the OP could be completely overreacting, so maybe trying to get the guy fired isn't the correct approach.

Im struggling to see why the OP would describe the above as sexual comments?

I presumed it was more along the lines of "look at that ass, tight tight tight" - which I might like my husband saying to me, but not a guy working in the gym.

meeeeh · 19-02-2019 11:25am

Comments could be completely innocent but if they make OP uncomfortable she should not have to listen to them. However I think everyone needs a bit of assertiveness. If you don't like something then say it, don't quietly run away and hide somewhere.

baby and crumble · 19-02-2019 11:30am

GreeBo wrote: »

Yes it matters because the guy could be saying "good form" or "looking good today" and the OP could be completely overreacting, so maybe trying to get the guy fired isn't the correct approach.
"If it makes you uncomfortable, upset or vulnerable then he isn't suitable for employment there."

I would strongly disagree that "itst he impact not the intention". If that was the case then anyone could get anyone fired for anything and we'd have snowflakes everywhere. (Not saying the OP is a snowflake, but we have no idea what this instructor is saying so have no way of knowing and advising the correct course of action)

I think 99.9% of people wouldn't react to a gym instructor saying 'nice form' as being sexual comments. You're making up an issue where there is none. If someone is uncomfortable, who is anyone else to tell them what they're feeling is 'wrong'?

Also she never said she wants to get the guy fired, that's a massive leap from her comments. All she said is she wants the comments to stop. TBH regardless of the content of the comments if you don't want someone making comments (whatever they are) at a gym or anywhere else you've a right to ask people to stop saying it to you. Especially if you're paying for the service.

GreeBo · 19-02-2019 11:30am

....... wrote: »

Im struggling to see why the OP would describe the above as sexual comments?

I presumed it was more along the lines of "look at that ass, tight tight tight" - which I might like my husband saying to me, but not a guy working in the gym.

Which is exactly why an example of the comments would give us all context.

The guy could be a total pervert or the OP could be totally over-reacting.

I think to give any useful advice to the OP on how to handle it we need to know where on the spectrum above we are.

Complaining to the gym management if the OP is being over sensitive is probably bad advice for example.

GreeBo · 19-02-2019 11:32am

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think 99.9% of people wouldn't react to a gym instructor saying 'nice form' as being sexual comments. You're making up an issue where there is none. If someone is uncomfortable, who is anyone else to tell them what they're feeling is 'wrong'?

Your posts are making me uncomfortable, would you be happy with me reporting you and you getting an infraction? Who are you to tell me I'm wrong?

Also she never said she wants to get the guy fired, that's a massive leap from her comments. All she said is she wants the comments to stop. TBH regardless of the content of the comments if you don't want someone making comments (whatever they are) at a gym or anywhere else you've a right to ask people to stop saying it to you. Especially if you're paying for the service.

I quoted the post that implied the guy should be fired, I didn't say it was the OP.

woodchuck · 19-02-2019 11:33am

Mod warning:

That's enough off-topic posting speculating about the remarks made. The OP has already said that they were sexual and is not obligated to provide examples.

Everyone is reminded that off-topic posting is not allowed in PI. Please only post if you have constructive advice to offer the OP.

Chancer3001 · 19-02-2019 11:34am

Friendly guy has a joke and a laugh which 99% of the custoners like.

Now one doesn't.

So instead of talking to the guy and saying, leave me out of it please... people are suggesting she email the manager and give out about him.

Let's punish the guy and make him stop the fun elemnet that most customers like. Because one person feels self conscious.

If you feel awkward talk to him. Easy as that

baby and crumble · 19-02-2019 11:36am

<snip>Talk to the guy himself, ask him not to make comments towards her. If that doesn't work, ask management to step in and ask him to leave her alone.

EDIT: Sorry mods, I wrote this as the thread warning was being written, feel free to delete as appropriate.

....... · 19-02-2019 11:40am

Chancer3001 wrote: »

Let's punish the guy and make him stop the fun elemnet that most customers like. Because one person feels self conscious.

Some of the staff are chatty and a bit of craic in my gym.

But they dont make sexual comments. That simply isnt acceptable in ANY gym or indeed any workplace IMO.

meeeeh · 19-02-2019 11:49am

Chancer3001 wrote: »

Friendly guy has a joke and a laugh which 99% of the custoners like.

You don't know that, Op said her friends like it, that hardly 99% of people. It would not be first time that a few people giggle to that kind of stuff and others just roll their eyes and think to themselves what a moron.

wiggle16 · 19-02-2019 11:58am

Hi OP

Myself I think you should aporoach him and say it to him, politely and civilly, that some of the things he says are not appropriate and make you uncomfortable attending the gym, and would appreciate if he would stop - and that since you can't be the only one who feels this way, he should stop in case someone makes a more serious complaint. You'd be doing both of you a favour by approaching him directly.

If you don't want to do this, then the anonymous letter is the best bet - but I think if you send it anonymously, don't name names, make it a letter about the staff generally.

Once in my old job, a customer made a false, anonymous complaint to the store manager about me, saying that I had a certain medical issue (which would have meant I shouldn't have been working with food). It really, really bothered me for a long time not knowing who it was, or why they did it - and since they didn't give a name, there was no way for the manager to get back to them to say it was false and potentially stop this person spreading rumors about me.

Obviously you are not making a false complaint. But if you complain anonymously, I don't think it's fair to name names, especially since he sounds more like a moron (which isn't a crime) then a letch or pervert. That's just my take on the letter option.

zapper55 · 19-02-2019 1:31pm

One man's moron is another man's pervert....

I had this situation in the gym before. One guy was overly attentive to particular women and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I left for other reasons but I didn't say it to him as judging by his personality he'd make a big deal of it.

It didnt occur to me to report him anonymously.

aloneforever99 · 19-02-2019 3:04pm

Maybe I'm just too passive aggressive but I try to resolve these things with a bit of humour.

I'd be inclined to jokingly (but with a hint of seriousness) say something like "It's 2019 man, cop on to yourself, or you'll be the next target of the #metoo movement"

Rubberchikken · 19-02-2019 4:59pm

to me it wouldnt matter what the comment is - if it makes a person uncomfortable then it should stop.
op, you could say it to him if you can. ill admit its probably not an easy thing to do but if you want to cobtinue going and also feel comfortable there then you have to do something.

good luck

santana75 · 19-02-2019 6:39pm

GreeBo wrote: »

Which is exactly why an example of the comments would give us all context.

The guy could be a total pervert or the OP could be totally over-reacting.

I think to give any useful advice to the OP on how to handle it we need to know where on the spectrum above we are.

Complaining to the gym management if the OP is being over sensitive is probably bad advice for example.

Thats a fair point.

eviltwin · 19-02-2019 6:43pm

GreeBo wrote: »

Can you give an idea of what comments he is making so we can judge (for ourselves) if they are inappropriate or if you are being overly sensitive?

What kind of sexual comments from a stranger would be acceptable in your opinion?

wiggle16 · 19-02-2019 6:55pm

Mod note:

Woodchuck is after posting a perfectly clear request for the off topic debate to stop.

The comments or language that one person finds acceptable may not be acceptable to another person - this is basic like. The point is the OP is being made uncomfortable by a stranger making sexual comments towards them. That's not up for debate.

Before posting, please ask yourself if your post is going to help the OP, or if you are just responding to another poster - and if so, please don't post. Thanks.

Yellow pack crisps · 19-02-2019 9:30pm

If you consider it offensive and feel uncomfortable then you should first pull him aside and tell him so. If he continues then make an official complaint. Do not worry about what others thinks as this is about you and your boundaries. Other people in your view may laugh it off but could be completely pissed off about it too. Listen you go to the gym to work out and not be part of some creepy guys world view. Put him in his place and with your head held high continue going about your business there.

....... · 20-02-2019 10:44am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Other people in your view may laugh it off but could be completely pissed off about it too.

This - if he is bothering you he is probably bothering other people too.

Chancer3001 · 20-02-2019 10:58am

Dont assume what other people are thinking

PressRun · 22-02-2019 3:59pm

Just because other people are laughing along, doesn't mean they are comfortable with it. A lot of women have a tendency to laugh off remarks that don't quite sit right with them because they want to avoid the confrontation.

....... · 22-02-2019 4:14pm

PressRun wrote: »

Just because other people are laughing along, doesn't mean they are comfortable with it. A lot of women people have a tendency to laugh off remarks that don't quite sit right with them because they want to avoid the confrontation.

FYP

Gonad · 22-02-2019 4:19pm

A bit of context would be nice .

Like a doubt he is going around saying “nice tits “ “some hoop “ ect ect

I would imagine it is more of a “jaysus your looking great “ kinda thing whic understandably would be deemed sexual be some ...

LegacyUser · 23-02-2019 6:58am

Thanks for the helpful comments,
For those looking for context he has said such things as 'nice a$$', he stood behind me and my friends as we were lifting weights one day, he starred at us for awhile before saying 'I could stand here watching you all day', he wolf whistles and makes suggestive noises as he walks past some women.
There are other comments he makes such as 'youre looking well' I understand that this seems like an innocent comment to make but he doesnt say this to the male gym goers, it wouldnt be appropriate for him to do so, so I dont think it's appropriate to say to female customers either, in saying that, as a stand alone comment id pass no heed but along with the other more sexual comments, its uncomfortable to say the least.

I really dont want to make a big deal out of it, I dont want to come across as too sensitive or a prude and I also dont want any confrontation, Ive stood up to guys like that before and it doesnt end well, they have fragile egos in my experience and there can be a backlash when theyre stood up too, their friends back them up too, its just not worth it.

If I cancel my membership here I wont be able to join another gym because there are no others locally, its very reasonably priced and the facilities are really good. Its also the gym my friends go to and sometimes we go together.

Ill just have to deal with it.

PressRun · 24-02-2019 9:42am

....... wrote: »

FYP

There's no need to fix it or try to be politically correct. Laughing off unwanted attention is a lot more common among women than men.

December2012 · 24-02-2019 10:31am

Those comments would make my skin crawl and make me very uncomfortable.

If you don't feel safe saying it to him, you should say it to the gym and let them deal with it.

It's not appropriate and it's not right, and something the gym and staff should stop doing, unless they would like to get a sleazy reputation

leggo · 24-02-2019 10:32am

This thread interested me so I asked a couple of people I know who work within the industry. Both said complaining to management is your way forward and, in their experience, it would be dealt with. One works within management at a gym and got specific and said that they’d ask what the complainant wanted to be done and, if they said they wanted to remain anonymous, it’d stay anonymous. The other said they’d have to witness the behaviour themselves rather than act on it, as obviously for all they know it could come from a jealous ex or whatever, but if this guy is that brazen it’d just take one complaint plus one comment witnessed to be legitimised.

Both are women for what it’s worth and both recognised and absolutely hate this kind of carry on from peers. They said that you’re definitely not the only person who feels this way. One noted that she knows this kind of PT and, in her experience, no matter how good looking they are or confident they seem she’s found this kind of person is the most fragile, insecure type of bloke going and just acts the lad in the gym where they think they can get away with it. She gave stories of having to deal with it herself and said she found just telling them to stop forcefully did the trick and they ran back apologising.

Anyway there’s some industry approved insight for you, hope it helps.

Happy4all · 24-02-2019 10:48am

As long as he says, all the girls have lovely bottoms, I don't see any problem.

On a serious note, he is out of order. If you feel uncomfortable approaching another member of staff, write in annomously and I am sure it is something management will not tolerate and he will be dealt with.

Teyla Emmagan · 24-02-2019 11:07am

I would go straight to the manager. They should know they have such a member of staff behaving like this. If it was a buddy of mine making inappropriate comments I would speak to them directly. But you shouldn't have to approach a member of staff in a place where you are paying for a service yourself. It is not for you to make sure they are being professional. If the OP is uncomfortable then numerous other people are also uncomfortable. I would want to know who I was employing.

sydthebeat · 24-02-2019 11:11am

Those comments are completely unacceptable (to everyone, not just the OP) and management should be let known.

That would be the proper procedure here. The OP saying something to the staff member does not deal with the issue adequately

gmisk · 24-02-2019 11:13am

This is completely inappropriate, you shouldn't have to put up with crap like this, definitely go to manager.

paw patrol · 24-02-2019 2:19pm

eviltwin wrote: »

What kind of sexual comments from a stranger would be acceptable in your opinion?

in fairness, the Op says her mates love the comments. The comments are welcome in many quarters.

I'm not attacking the OP but if her mates love the attention then perhaps he isn't doing much wrong and perhaps shouldn't be hauled over the coals. A polite word is all it would take.
The OP has the right not to be continually upset by the guy but her friends also have the right to their flirt. It would a shame for the guy to have to change his demeanour just for the OP when the others want this type of interaction.

gmisk wrote: »

This is completely inappropriate, you shouldn't have to put up with crap like this, definitely go to manager.

what about the women who like the comments? do they have no say?

strandroad · 24-02-2019 2:29pm

paw patrol wrote: »

The OP has the right not to be continually upset by the guy but her friends also have the right to their flirt. It would a shame for the guy to have to change his demeanour just for the OP when the others want this type of interaction.

Why would he have the freedom to subject each new patron to that though? It's bad for business too, many people will just turn around and leave when they encounter creepy behaviour seemingly tolerated. If someone is actually motivated by dodgy flirting figure out what to do as a business owner (it's a minefield to allow it), but the default policy should be respectful not suggestive.

leggo · 24-02-2019 2:33pm

That’s not how sexual harassment works. If 99 out of 100 people are happy with said harassment, it’s still harassment if one person deems it as such. Again it comes back to consent consent consent: before you say/do anything of a sexual nature to someone, make sure they are 100% okay with that taking place before you do so. Don’t say/do something then hope they’re fine with, that’s forcing your sexuality upon someone. If he gets in trouble, it’s not the OP who got him in trouble, it’s his actions. He’s a professional in a workplace, he hasn’t kept a professional demeanour, anything that happens him from there is his own fault.

Also, let’s be real, it’s not difficult to live this way! Most of us get by in life just fine without loudly telling randoms they have a nice arse. It won’t be news to him that this is bad behaviour, especially in 2019, he almost definitely knows it is and gets a kick out of the fact that he can get away with it anyway.

flexcon · 24-02-2019 2:34pm

eviltwin wrote: »

What kind of sexual comments from a stranger would be acceptable in your opinion?

<SNIPPED>

separately
If moderators come on here and say we are not allowed ask the question then that stifles a very simple
request.

meeeeh · 24-02-2019 3:08pm

paw patrol wrote: »

in fairness, the Op says her mates love the comments. The comments are welcome in many quarters.

I'm not attacking the OP but if her mates love the attention then perhaps he isn't doing much wrong and perhaps shouldn't be hauled over the coals. A polite word is all it would take.
The OP has the right not to be continually upset by the guy but her friends also have the right to their flirt. It would a shame for the guy to have to change his demeanour just for the OP when the others want this type of interaction.

what about the women who like the comments? do they have no say?

Oh dear you really think those comments were appropriate?

Op you should be able to deal with this. Stop worrying how you come accross. Personally if someone made those comments to me I would turn around and ask them if they have nothing better to do, to stop drooling or to grow up and roll my eyes. You don't need to react in uncomfortable way, you can act like their behaviour is bellow you.

Anyway if you don't want to confront him complain to the management. That behaviour is not on.

wiggle16 · 24-02-2019 4:23pm

flexcon wrote: »

<SNIPPED>

separately
If moderators come on here and say we are not allowed ask the question then that stifles a very simple
request.

MOD WARNING:

flexcon, there was a perfectly clear warning in the thread from two moderators requesting that back and forth discussion stop. Your post offers no advice to the OP, and if you are unable to post advice then you are not supposed to post. Simple.

The post you are quoting was not addressed to the OP, it was not asking the OP for examples - it was part of an in-thread argument that was stopped by moderators. So maybe you should actually read the thread properly before you "come on here" to post and challenge mod instructions in the thread. If you've a problem, report it. Do not argue moderators' instructions in the thread. Simple.

No more general discussion of what is acceptable and what isn't and what "most people" think. A person's boundaries are not subject to democracy.

Seth Brundle · 24-02-2019 5:44pm

paw patrol wrote: »

in fairness, the Op says her mates love the comments. The comments are welcome in many quarters.

For all those ladies who love the instructors comments, how many ladies have been insulted or offended?
When he first said the comments to a member, how did he know what their reaction would be? I assume he didn't consider it!

I'm a man. I also go to a gym. I would never say those things to another woman (or man) inside or outside a gym environment. It's completely inappropriate - no ifs or buts!

ted1 · 25-02-2019 10:41am

paw patrol wrote: »

in fairness, the Op says her mates love the comments. The comments are welcome in many quarters.

I'm not attacking the OP but if her mates love the attention then perhaps he isn't doing much wrong and perhaps shouldn't be hauled over the coals. A polite word is all it would take.
The OP has the right not to be continually upset by the guy but her friends also have the right to their flirt. It would a shame for the guy to have to change his demeanour just for the OP when the others want this type of interaction.

what about the women who like the comments? do they have no say?

Any comment that makes an individual uncomfortable is not acceptable. Regardless if others like it.
The staff member and you both need to learn to know your audience.