Brother has no interest in me

LegacyUser · 18-03-2020 2:11pm #1

I have one sibling, my brother 1.5 years younger, who has no interest in knowing me.

I would describe the family dynamic growing up as 'weird' or different, dad was distant and mam had a lot of her own problems. We were fine for money, well fed and always had the latest things but we were never a close family, there would never have been a hug.

My brother was very angry growing up, he was known for being quiet as a mouse in school and very high achieving student but would often explode at home and treated our mam horribly (still does, very demanding, shouting, no thank you's etc.).

As teenagers we were not close, we would just make passing contact in the house. We never even had conversations. The odd time I would try go to his room to talk to him but he would just grunt at me, but I don't remember it ever affecting me deeply as a teenager.

The last few years I have tried to get closer to him, by just asking to spend more time with him and by trying to talk about our lack of closeness. I am just met with a wall. It's like he just draws a blank with me. Before Christmas I had a terrible ordeal when I was mugged, and he never even sent a message let alone called me. I was so heartbroken. I am crying again as I write this. Since then I have hurt every day over him. I have tried to explain how I feel but he just seems to feel nothing and it is killing me.

I have a close group of friends that I am grateful for, but all of them are so close with their siblings and parents, and their families even invite me round for Sunday's dinners etc. out of pity. I can't describe the 'aloneness' I feel to anyone but the pain I feel every day is getting too hard to deal with...

I am afraid for the next few months and my parents or brother getting sick. I am afraid that I will get sick and will have no family support.

jopax · 18-03-2020 9:30pm

deeploneliness wrote: »

I have one sibling, my brother 1.5 years younger, who has no interest in knowing me.

I would describe the family dynamic growing up as 'weird' or different, dad was distant and mam had a lot of her own problems. We were fine for money, well fed and always had the latest things but we were never a close family, there would never have been a hug.

My brother was very angry growing up, he was known for being quiet as a mouse in school and very high achieving student but would often explode at home and treated our mam horribly (still does, very demanding, shouting, no thank you's etc.).

As teenagers we were not close, we would just make passing contact in the house. We never even had conversations. The odd time I would try go to his room to talk to him but he would just grunt at me, but I don't remember it ever affecting me deeply as a teenager.

The last few years I have tried to get closer to him, by just asking to spend more time with him and by trying to talk about our lack of closeness. I am just met with a wall. It's like he just draws a blank with me. Before Christmas I had a terrible ordeal when I was mugged, and he never even sent a message let alone called me. I was so heartbroken. I am crying again as I write this. Since then I have hurt every day over him. I have tried to explain how I feel but he just seems to feel nothing and it is killing me.

I have a close group of friends that I am grateful for, but all of them are so close with their siblings and parents, and their families even invite me round for Sunday's dinners etc. out of pity. I can't describe the 'aloneness' I feel to anyone but the pain I feel every day is getting too hard to deal with...

I am afraid for the next few months and my parents or brother getting sick. I am afraid that I will get sick and will have no family support.

I do feel for you, you sound like you came out of a dysfunctional family quite emotionally healthy.
As hard as it is & as much as it hurts you, your brother is what he is and I doubt he will ever change.
The sooner you can accept that & make peace with that the better for your own mental health.
You have said you are lucky with good friends, so hold onto that & don't let go.
Blood does not make you family, that's from my own experience.
I could have wrote what you wrote 20years ago about my own sister, only 2 years between us.
I spent wasted years & years trying to have a relationship that she just didn't want.
Eventually when I realised that I couldn't change her & most importantly that it wasn't my fault, it freed me.
Just my advice to you is just leave him go, don't bother making any more effort. If he chooses to talk to you on a superficial level that's fine.
Stop wasting your precious time on someone that's not interested. He has issues not you, just be glad your not like him.
I know it is sad & I do understand more than you know how you feel.
Your the better person & friends can be as good as if not better than family.

eldudebros · 19-03-2020 11:24pm

Your brother is dealing with his own issues, in his own way.

If it's not working, stop trying. It's not the end of the world.

It sounds cold and dismissive, but plenty of us grew up in homes with zero affection. I know I did. I have 5 siblings and not one of us is close. However I understand each coping mechanism is learned and particular to the person. I don't take it personally. As it is, some people become quite sensitive and others cut off. You can try make in roads but if it's battering your self esteem, take note and stop it.

Maybe one day he will come around but as it, sit with the loss. Grieve it. And accept it as it is. Unfortunately you can't make anyone act a certain way to meet your specific needs or view of the world.

BitteZuruck · 27-03-2020 2:23am

There is an awful lot going on in your post. You start off taking about your family life, then you talk about your brother and then you talk about being alone.

It seems to me that you and your brother are going through childhood trauma but in completely different ways. When I say trauma I don't mean abuse, I mean that your childhood was not fun. It seemed grey and devoid of contact. It seems that you are craving that contact now (maybe always?)

My advice (if it means anything?) is to talk to your brother. Tell him that you missed being close when you were growing up. Now that you are both getting older that you would love for him to be in your life. Maybe once he understands that if he doesn't feel the same then it's ok, you will leave the door open for that relationship in the future if he changes his mind.

You sound like a very nice and caring person that was dealt a bad hand but that doesn't mean you have to play that hand. Go and enjoy your life. Hopefully your brother will be part of that life soon.

surferdudz · 29-03-2020 8:58am

So sorry you were mugged. I hope you have recovered. I too have a brother who seems to ignore and shows no interest in me. Another story. Would it help if you wrote him a letter explaining / summarising how you feel? It might focus his mind if he knows that you would value a closer relationship.

WM18 · 01-04-2020 4:46pm

What ages are you both? not particularly close to my siblings growing up.
But best of friends now..

Pistachio19 · 04-04-2020 4:09pm

You can't force a relationship with your brother. It would seem he isn't interested, so for your own sanity you need to try to accept that and focus on the relationships you have with friends. Not all siblings grow up to be close. My husband hasn't spoken to his sister in 6 years and likely never will again. That's just the way it is for some people.

Families are not engineered to simply get along. Loving relationships can be found through friends instead, and those relationships will mean a lot more to you in the long run. Don't see it as being asked to dinner out of pity - see it that they ask you because they really want you to be there and they enjoy your company.

When all this lockdown madness is over you could try counselling to help you come to terms with not having the family relationships you crave, and also to help you overcome the trauma of being mugged - that must have been horrible for you.

LegacyUser · 04-04-2020 4:53pm

Your family sounds like my husband’s family. His father was old fashioned and didn’t interact with his kids in a normal way. He was a teacher, so as far as I can tell, he used to lecture at them but never listen. Treated it like work in a way. His mother definitely has mental health issues and is very cold. They were never told that they were loved, valued or anything. As a result, all five of them are completely distant and actively seem to compete to hurt each other. The family dynamic when they are together is toxic.

It’s interesting how it has impacted them though. They all married people from normal, loving families but don’t understand how or why we want to spend time with our siblings. They’re all quite clingy and too focused on getting love now to be really independent. It’s interesting to see what is happening with the next generation. My mother in law will insist on picking up a grandchild (they’re all under a year) and as soon as it cries, she says she doesn’t know what is wrong with it. Her solution when her kids were babies was to leave them alone until they had stopped crying. Never cuddling or comforting.

I think that the damage done to all of them is huge and not that obvious to anyone on the outside. I would imagine that you and your brother are struggling with the same thing in different ways. I think that if you never learned love and affection at home, it’s probably impossible for your brother to feel any connection to you. Similarly, you feel the huge need for a connection.

I make them sound horrible because they’re always finding a new way of hurting each other, but I think that they never learned to make a connection at all and in their different ways, they really hurt each other. My husband ignores almost all contact with them. Doesn’t get why you would want to talk to your family at all. His sister tries too hard, gets hurt by him and he gets annoyed with her.

It’s a really complicated situation and I am really sorry that you feel like this. Take comfort in the fact that you have good friends and on some level, your brother does love you.

8kczg9v0swrydm · 15-04-2020 7:44pm

One interesting thing I learned about relationships is this: if there is no love, put in love, and you will find love. Patience, kindness, it is a universal language that (nearly) everyone will respond to.

So, put on a thick skin and reach out in a casual, loving and patient way. Just call to see how he is doing. Do this once a week for a while. Be kind and interested. Get him something nice. If you have hurt him in the past, apologize for it. Slowly, but surely and watch the relationship blossom. Good luck!

ManOfMystery · 16-04-2020 11:34am

Melvin Slimy Trailer wrote: »

One interesting thing I learned about relationships is this: if there is no love, put in love, and you will find love. Patience, kindness, it is a universal language that (nearly) everyone will respond to.

So, put on a thick skin and reach out in a casual, loving and patient way. Just call to see how he is doing. Do this once a week for a while. Be kind and interested. Get him something nice. If you have hurt him in the past, apologize for it. Slowly, but surely and watch the relationship blossom. Good luck!

Did you miss the bit where the OP mentioned they have tried to get closer to their brother, spend more time with him etc and is continually met with a wall?

wiggle16 · 16-04-2020 11:37pm

Thread locked as it seems to have run its course.

Thanks all who posted.

Brother has no interest in me

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