Should I stay or should I go?

Mr.Fun · 08-04-2020 1:57pm #1

Ive been going out with my girlfriend both in our late twenties for 3 and a bit years now. She is younger by 2 years. Like all couples we have strong points and weak points and for a about a year and a half ive been contemplating whether to stay together or to break up. She is a very good hearted person and we both like the sense of companionship we have together. At the start of the relationship i was very attracted to her. As time passed by I have become less and less attracted to her. Its gotten to the point where I struggle to kiss her now and we never have sex. She has never brought up the fact that we have lost most of our sexual intimacy and im too afraid to upset her by saying why im not interested. Im also finding that im constantly looking at other girls in public. I have never cheated on her. When she brings up the thought of marriage and kids it doesnt exactly fill me with excitement also. She happily thinks about these things but I dont .
Another thing I have found is that I have a lot more fun with my friends than with her and often prefer nights out without her. Surely this cant be normal? She is a very friendly person but i never have a great laugh with her. I think I have a fear of commitment to her but at the same time im afraid that i might end up alone for life if we broke up.
Can a relationship last without me being attracted physically to my partner? I do fear that I could cheat eventually out of frustration.

Ande1975 · 08-04-2020 2:07pm

The relationship is over for you. Attraction is the difference between a friendship and relationship. Good for you for not cheating. You sound like a nice lad and you will be doing both of you a favour by ending it.

Be careful as it sounds like she sees a future with you if she is talking marriage and kids so she sounds very invested and will be very upset but you will be doing her a favour.
If you feel this way about the relationship now, it'll be 100000 times worse years down the line when you have all these responsibilities on top if it.
You both deserve someone who you adore and adore back to go down that route.
If you prefer heading out with your friends, that speaks volumes.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way, its just not working out for you and that's life. Good luck.

BTW - you will not end up alone. Staying with the wrong person out of that fear is worse than being alone. You are young and have plenty of time to meet the right one for you.

ManOfMystery · 08-04-2020 2:41pm

You could be me at age 27 or so, was well into a long term relationship but for various reasons had totally lost heart in it and saw my partner more as platonic friend than anything. With that loss of heart came loss of attraction, intimacy and I started to relish spending time on my own more rather than the effort of trying to present ourselves as a couple on nights out etc.

Once you start feeling like that, it's a downward slope I think and the best thing you can do is be honest with her (and yourself) and end things. If you don't the relationship will further deteriorate and as you say, you'll end up cheating and/or hating each other.

bitofabind · 08-04-2020 6:15pm

It's totally over for you. Best advice is to stop dawdling. You've wasted a year and a half now procrastinating over it. You know what you need to do.

She's in her late twenties so she deserves the respect and consideration of you being honest with her and allowing her to begin to move on now. Not another year and a half down the road when she's even more invested and ye're both getting the whispers about marriage and kids. She'll be closer to if not 30 then and women don't have the luxury of time that you fellas have.

Try to think about what's best for her, bite the bullet and put an end to it. Much better for her in the long run, and you know deep down you can't be with someone you're not attracted to and who's company doesn't excite you. She at least deserves that.

redfox123 · 08-04-2020 7:04pm

I don’t understand how she hasn’t brought up the lack of intimacy or kissing? Is she not bothered either? She probably wants the normal progress of marriage and kids so she hasnt wasted time with you, but it doesn’t sound like she is madly in love with you if she hasn’t even brought it up and tried to fix the situation either. She is happy to plod along hoping it might go somewhere because she won’t want to be alone either.
I know most men are incredibly fearful when it comes to bringing up honest conversations, and are so scared of the potential of upset that they will waste years of their lives..well there comes a time when you have to be the grown up and talk. You are being selfish now just staying with her because you’re afraid you might be alone then.
Don’t waste anymore her time she will want to eventually meet someone, give her as much time as possible for that. You will be the ‘bad guy’ for a while then she will find someone who really loves her.

zoobizoo · 08-04-2020 9:13pm

[quote="Mr.Fun;113094627"I have found is that I have a lot more fun with my friends than with her

often prefer nights out without her.

i never have a great laugh with her.
[/quote]

You don't fancy her any more because you don't share a similar sense of humour and therefore you're not having fun.

Your initial attraction to her papered over that crack.

Forget about sexual attraction.... you have more fun with friends, prefer other people's company more and never have a great laugh together - there is no future for you guys.

You've every right to fear commitment of a relationship which doesn't work.

You're basically going out with someone who is nice who you don't want to go out with.

You need to be honest with her and break up with her.

She will survive without you ...

Porklife · 08-04-2020 11:45pm

zoobizoo wrote: »

You don't fancy her any more because you don't share a similar sense of humour and therefore you're not having fun.

Your initial attraction to her papered over that crack.

Forget about sexual attraction.... you have more fun with friends, prefer other people's company more and never have a great laugh together - there is no future for you guys.

You've every right to fear commitment of a relationship which doesn't work.

You're basically going out with someone who is nice who you don't want to go out with.

You need to be honest with her and break up with her.

She will survive without you ...

Couldn't agree with this more. I remember feeling so guilty breaking up with my first boyfriend when I realized I enjoyed my own company over his and I kinda fancied a few of his friends. When he'd kiss me i'd recoil whereas I once loved his touch. I was only 21 but still had a thing called integrity. You should try it some time. It wasn't easy but even at that young age I knew what I had to do. I find it hard to believe you're actually struggling to know what to do. Obviously you know you need to end it but in order to justify that and your inevitable cheating on her (no honestly...I was torn...I even started a thread about it! Bull****) you're in a faux conundrum.
Just man up and end up.

Tokyo · 09-04-2020 8:27am

Mod:

@Porklife - while I appreciate that your advice might be well intentioned, "tough love" isn't the only avenue open to you. Please consider this when responding to an OP's issue in future.

osarusan · 09-04-2020 8:35am

She can't have failed to notice the lack of intimacy, but perhaps that doesn't bother her. Have you never spoken about it?

But it clearly bothers you, and there's nothing wrong with wanting, needing, to be attracted to your partner, that's natural.

It doesn't sound like there is much life in the relationship, and it also sounds like she is a woman who wants to have kids, so I think it might be better for everybody to end it now, rather than the relatioship meandering for longer.

Toots · 09-04-2020 11:14am

You've been contemplating ending it for almost half of the relationship? That in itself speaks volumes. Really you need to bite the bullet and just end it, for both your sakes. You both deserve to be happy.

Neyite · 09-04-2020 2:48pm

Typically you know where you are at around the year mark with a relationship, whether it's something that has longevity or not. It can often take a few months after that to sort out the feelings on it because by that stage you care about the person but you need to figure out if you care enough. Likely because it's long enough to get to know them and you know enough to decide if it's for you long term or not.

And so it's normal for it to fizzle out between 1 -1.5 years in and you aren't alone in that. And wanting to break up with someone doesn't make you a bad person. How you break up with someone determines that.

Katgurl · 10-04-2020 4:30pm

Do the right thing and don't waste anymore of her time. Finish it.

MosherRock426 · 15-04-2020 5:51am

It sounds like every hint of a spark is long gone at this stage in your relationship. Your partner has probably seen the signs of your intimacy fade and fade but has just been to insecure or emotional about it to bring the topic up with you. I would end things as they are right now rather than just dragging along skeletons you don't need and hurting someone who probably is all out of tears. There is no point having your partner stringing you along into marriage or that type of commitment when they want something more than you and you don't want to listen along with their music.

amdublin · 15-04-2020 2:08pm

If you do proceed to break up with her please be kind and gentle "it's not you, it's me, you are a wonderful person, you deserve better than what we have as a relationship now, we both do, this is for the best, and repeat you are wonderful, you deserve better"
Etc

This is just an example. You get what I'm saying

Dog day · 15-04-2020 4:11pm

Hi OP, as you’ve spent almost half the time you’ve been together wondering should you break up, please don’t waste anymore of your own time or hers.

Equally I’d advise against using the hackneyed ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line, it invariably means the opposite is true. Sometimes relationships just fizzle out for one or both parties, it’s sad but it’s a part of life.

Be gentle, be kind & be very clear that the relationship is over, the sooner you do this the better off you’ll both be. Life is far too short to be stuck in a relationship that you don’t wish to be in. All the best.

Emme · 15-04-2020 7:11pm

OP please break up with her gently sooner rather than later. The more you delay it the more of her time you waste. Time that could be spent looking for somebody who genuinely wants to be with her and wants a family with her.

Should I stay or should I go?

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