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I'll never find love
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07-04-2020 2:58am#1Im in my early 30's and i've been single for 6 years. I have dated within that time but never met anyone I was compatible with, the only men that I attract are either controlling and possessive or only looking for one thing.
My last relationship was a train wreck, he cheated on me constantly and laughed about it with his friends, he hit me and treated me very badly. After that relationship I tried to put myself out there and tried to meet new people but nothing worked out. This damaged my self esteem quite a bit so I kinda shut myself off from dating and relationships.
After a good long break, counselling and some introspection I started dating someone new but he turned out to be just like the others. I gave up on relationships completely and decided I would just accept being alone.
I always thought I would find someone so this was a hard thing for me to accept but eventually I did and I was happier for it. I felt that if it was meant to be it would happen and if it doesnt its fine, I dont need anyone and will be ok by myself but it was always in the back of my head and I always did want to meet someone.
A few months ago I went to counselling for two months, the counsellor often brought up my love life and questioned why I wasn't seeing anyone. I told her I was happy being single, which I was, but she told me that I should open myself up to people and let people in and that I should try to find a partner. Over the course of the sessions she kind of put it in my head that I will meet someone and I should focus on trying to find someone and believe that it will happen.
I took her advice and started thinking about it and actively put myself out there but in doing so I remembered why I shut myself off in the first place. I am only attracting the same kinds of people. Either men that only want a quick fling or men that just want someone to control and dont care about my feelings or what I might want. I would rather be single than with someone who treats me badly or someone im not compatible with.
Im far from perfect myself but feel that I do have allot going for me. Im attractive enough, I look after myself, eat health most of the time, go to the gym, I like treating myself to getting my hair and nails done or a facial.
Im well educated, I put myself through college and I earn my own money, im honest, trustworthy and reliable, I have hobbies and I volunteer in my spare time.
Im very introverted but I like going on nights out with friends and im sociable on nights out. I have flaws like anyone else but im a nice person.
I just feel like a bit of a failure for not meeting anyone and having a relationship. All my ex's who I had long term relationships with, even the abusive one are in settled relationships now and I just wonder what is wrong with me? I must be totally unlovable.
It feels like allot of men want perfection and wont settle for anything less.
Im always trying to better myself, Im starting a masters in September, im learning how to drive and saving for a car but it never feels like enough and like ill never be good enough for anyone.
I just needed to vent about it because it's really bringing me down lately and looking for some advice or personal experiences.
Thanks.0
Comments
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You've had a tough journey and you've done a lot of work already... Counselling, introspection, dating again. They're all hugely positive.
If you're attracting the same type of men though, it may be something you're still being attracted to, or something you're projecting about yourself that is attracting them. There's no easy answer there but perhaps trying to date types of men you usually wouldn't date could help?
What about the men you've dated attracts you initially?
Also, remember that dating is a numbers game... It takes a lot of digging to get to the gold. There's no harm with plenty of dates, try to get comfortable with meeting guys and comfortable with it not going beyond one or two dates. It can be easy to pressure ourselves into every date being 'the one'. It may also help to go on dates you're not 10/10 pushed on just to give yourself some breathing space, lessen the pressure, and increase your confidence... and you never know, one of those dates might turn out magic.
It sounds like you've laid a good foundation OP, don't give up building the house just because it's not as straightforward as you'd hoped. Best of luck.0 -
I think it was wrong of your counsellor to pressure you into looking for a relationship. You are definitely not the only person who is happy to be single and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you're attracting the same kind of people you need to leave dating for a while and focus on different things. If you learn to drive and get car do it for yourself. If you do a Masters do it for yourself and your career. Don't turn yourself inside out to make yourself more attractive to men. Because if you do that you will never be enough. Please yourself and if that's not enough for them it's their loss.
Don't beat yourself up just because your exs are in relationships, even the abusive ones. You only have to look at threads here to see how many women are trapped in abusive marriages. You are not in that situation and make sure you don't end up that way.
Men who go on dating sites and dating apps are more likely to look for perfection than those who are more engaged in the face-to-face world. With online dating and dating apps somebody better will always be just one click away. Large clubs and bars are not much better. It's better to meet somebody face-to-face as part of day-to-day life and common interests. OK, it's not the best time to tell you to get out and meet guys face-to-face. But the lockdown will finish and people will want to get out and about again.
Get to know guys as friends. If you're in a social group you can get to know what guys are like before dating them. You say you go to the gym, why not join a fitness group such as Bootcamp? Any group where the focus is on a common interest and you can get to know guys as people with no agenda. Anything else is a bonus.
If you decide to go back to counselling find a different counsellor. But you're doing very well as it is, you have plans for yourself in place.0 -
Totally agree with the poster above. In some respects you are drawing these men to you, might not be what you want to hear but there may be an element of truth in it. Are you going for a certain kind of guy, flirting, chatting to men who you find are your type (perhaps very physically attractive but not the personality to back it up). What is most important to you, kindness, intelligence, looks? You need to be honest about your priorities and where they might be letting you down. No harm going for someone who you wouldn’t normally consider, might have more potential than the previous playboys you’ve been with?0
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A few months ago I went to counselling for two months, the counsellor often brought up my love life and questioned why I wasn't seeing anyone. I told her I was happy being single, which I was, but she told me that I should open myself up to people and let people in and that I should try to find a partner. Over the course of the sessions she kind of put it in my head that I will meet someone and I should focus on trying to find someone and believe that it will happen.
I took her advice and started thinking about it and actively put myself out there but in doing so I remembered why I shut myself off in the first place. I am only attracting the same kinds of people
So you were happy single and then your counselor said no you weren't ..and then it made you unhappy?
The quality of single people out there..isn't great.
Be happy single.
Reject the toxic masculinity types. Playboys ....are shallow ...even if they totally fall head over heels for you ..(and believe me playboys if they are not used to feelings they will eventually) they have very little to offer in terms of depth and you realize ..that is why they could never make women stay long term.0 -
There are a lot of men out there who will only go after very attractive women and they will only accept perfection. They will criticize any perceived flaw that a woman has, they're after really high status females. Obviously there are men out there who are not like that. For every woman there is probably a male equivalent out there, there's a man out there in the same position as you thinking "Do I need to be perfect? Am I unlovable." You can't blame the counsellor for encouraging you to give it another try, you are growing as a person and becoming stronger. It's tough to meet a partner but you have had long term relationships before, you can meet someone. I would be certain that there are genuine guys out there for you. Spend money on your appearance, buy designer clothes and jewellery, get some professional photos taken that you can upload to your profile. Upload images to Instagram of you having a good time, out with friends etc. Create a whole image around yourself. Even when you are taking driving lessons or studying you can create a whole bunch of posts out of that online, like when you buy a new car. Maybe go to a matchmaking advisor, she can help set up dates with genuine men who are suitable for you. Create an image around yourself being a desirable, dynamic and successful young woman who has a great career and lifestyle. If you don't feel desirable, you have to create an image of desirability and inaccessibility.0
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Don't do what Hawley says0
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And then after time together he realises that's not who she is at all and that it's all and that the image she's projecting is one elaborate ruse to snare a man.There are a lot of men out there who will only go after very attractive women and they will only accept perfection. They will criticize any perceived flaw that a woman has, they're after really high status females. Obviously there are men out there who are not like that. For every woman there is probably a male equivalent out there, there's a man out there in the same position as you thinking "Do I need to be perfect? Am I unlovable." You can't blame the counsellor for encouraging you to give it another try, you are growing as a person and becoming stronger. It's tough to meet a partner but you have had long term relationships before, you can meet someone. I would be certain that there are genuine guys out there for you. Spend money on your appearance, buy designer clothes and jewellery, get some professional photos taken that you can upload to your profile. Upload images to Instagram of you having a good time, out with friends etc. Create a whole image around yourself. Even when you are taking driving lessons or studying you can create a whole bunch of posts out of that online, like when you buy a new car. Maybe go to a matchmaking advisor, she can help set up dates with genuine men who are suitable for you. Create an image around yourself being a desirable, dynamic and successful young woman who has a great career and lifestyle. If you don't feel desirable, you have to create an image of desirability and inaccessibility.
Probably not the best advice0 -
Thanks all for responding. I appreciate all of the advice given.
I notice some of you have said that I am attracted to these men, the thing is im not attracted to them or that type, They wearnt all very good looking, I go for personality over looks anyday. They are attracted to me so we get talking, start getting to know each other and thats when this side of them comes out. Sometimes they seem normal and I even think im developing feelings for them. It can go as far as we might sleep together before they become possessive, controlling and abusive. Sometimes they hide it in the beginning and it's only after a few weeks theyre asking me to send pictures because they dont believe ive gone home or they dont believe im by myself or they are texting 24/7 or demanding I meet them. So I stop seeing them and tell them I dont want to see them anymore so they lash out.
My priorities are kindness, sense of humor, someone I click with, looks are important too, I want to feel attracted to who im with but it's not the most important thing.
There must be something about me that attracts these types of men but I don't know what it is that im doing.
Hawley I wont buy designer clothes, post on social media or get a professional photographer and I wont get a matchmaker, That is very draining to me and not something id be willing to do.
but I understand what your are saying, there's allot of pressure to present a good image and men are attracted to women that look good online. That's not me though and I dont want to change myself in that way.0 -
There are a lot of men out there who will only go after very attractive women and they will only accept perfection. They will criticize any perceived flaw that a woman has, they're after really high status females. Obviously there are men out there who are not like that. For every woman there is probably a male equivalent out there, there's a man out there in the same position as you thinking "Do I need to be perfect? Am I unlovable." You can't blame the counsellor for encouraging you to give it another try, you are growing as a person and becoming stronger. It's tough to meet a partner but you have had long term relationships before, you can meet someone. I would be certain that there are genuine guys out there for you. Spend money on your appearance, buy designer clothes and jewellery, get some professional photos taken that you can upload to your profile. Upload images to Instagram of you having a good time, out with friends etc. Create a whole image around yourself. Even when you are taking driving lessons or studying you can create a whole bunch of posts out of that online, like when you buy a new car. Maybe go to a matchmaking advisor, she can help set up dates with genuine men who are suitable for you. Create an image around yourself being a desirable, dynamic and successful young woman who has a great career and lifestyle. If you don't feel desirable, you have to create an image of desirability and inaccessibility.
Dreadful advice. I said in an earlier post that a woman could do all of the above and she STILL wouldn't be enough for the men who seek perfection.
Don't do what Hawley says.0 -
There are a lot of men out there who will only go after very attractive women and they will only accept perfection. They will criticize any perceived flaw that a woman has, they're after really high status females. Obviously there are men out there who are not like that. For every woman there is probably a male equivalent out there, there's a man out there in the same position as you thinking "Do I need to be perfect? Am I unlovable." You can't blame the counsellor for encouraging you to give it another try, you are growing as a person and becoming stronger. It's tough to meet a partner but you have had long term relationships before, you can meet someone. I would be certain that there are genuine guys out there for you. Spend money on your appearance, buy designer clothes and jewellery, get some professional photos taken that you can upload to your profile. Upload images to Instagram of you having a good time, out with friends etc. Create a whole image around yourself. Even when you are taking driving lessons or studying you can create a whole bunch of posts out of that online, like when you buy a new car. Maybe go to a matchmaking advisor, she can help set up dates with genuine men who are suitable for you. Create an image around yourself being a desirable, dynamic and successful young woman who has a great career and lifestyle. If you don't feel desirable, you have to create an image of desirability and inaccessibility.
?? Not sure creating a fake persona is gonna help this woman...0 -
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There are a lot of men out there who will only go after very attractive women and they will only accept perfection. They will criticize any perceived flaw that a woman has, they're after really high status females. Obviously there are men out there who are not like that. For every woman there is probably a male equivalent out there, there's a man out there in the same position as you thinking "Do I need to be perfect? Am I unlovable." You can't blame the counsellor for encouraging you to give it another try, you are growing as a person and becoming stronger. It's tough to meet a partner but you have had long term relationships before, you can meet someone. I would be certain that there are genuine guys out there for you. Spend money on your appearance, buy designer clothes and jewellery, get some professional photos taken that you can upload to your profile. Upload images to Instagram of you having a good time, out with friends etc. Create a whole image around yourself. Even when you are taking driving lessons or studying you can create a whole bunch of posts out of that online, like when you buy a new car. Maybe go to a matchmaking advisor, she can help set up dates with genuine men who are suitable for you. Create an image around yourself being a desirable, dynamic and successful young woman who has a great career and lifestyle. If you don't feel desirable, you have to create an image of desirability and inaccessibility.
This advice is truly laughable, I'm sorry. Designer clothes? Do you honestly think most guys on the street give a flying f*ck about designer clothes?
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version of yourself but creating a false persona is not the way to go. And maybe those things might appeal to you but someone who clearly spent money on professional photos for social media and describes themselves as "dynamic" and spends more time cultivating their social media persona than actually living their life would scream "vain, self absorbed twat" to me.
And please do not under any circumstances pay a "matchmaking advisor", you don't need to pay anyone for this and someone who is taking money off you won't have your best interests at heart.0 -
Life is not in absolutes like this. There's a lot of catastrophising in your post, that really isn't helping you to get perspective on things and to build a healthy self-esteem for yourself.
Instead of "I'll never find love" and "I'm unlovable", try to reframe the situation. You've had a few relationships that didn't work out the way you'd have liked. What can you learn from that to find someone more compatible in the future? You are totally within your rights to have boundaries and remain happily single until you meet someone that adds value and brings happiness to your life; to not be pulled in by someone before they've even proved themselves worthwhile.
Try to use logic here. Think about the guys you've been with and what they've had in common. Instinctively, we all can detect red flags in relationships but often override them because of lust, or feelings, or any amount of reasons. What were the red flags? Did they love bomb you before revealing their true selves? Did they bulldoze ahead and try to win you over at lightning speed? Were they hot and cold, did you feel like you had to 'win' their approval from the start, did they try to undermine you subtly, put you down, were they selfish, did they never actively try to get to know you, etc etc. Guaranteed if you look closely there's a pattern with these fellas. Try to spot the pattern. And use that as your boundary going forward.
Dating is hard. Lots of gobshytes out there. Just because you've met a few of them, and your good, trusting nature has been taken advantage of, doesn't mean that will stay the same going forward. Try to think of yourself as less of a victim, put yourself in the driving seat and decide that if you see any of these red flags in the future, you'll shut the relationship down immediately and run in the opposite direction. You've just ran into a few bad eggs. Most single people go through this.0 -
And then after time together he realises that's not who she is at all and that it's all and that the image she's projecting is one elaborate ruse to snare a man.
Probably not the best advice
I’m seconding this but would go as far as to say Hawleys’ advice is appalling & would be very ill advised. OP, please don’t invest energy into constructing an image for yourself, rather just BE yourself, focus on you & your own interests never let this be in relation to another person or attracting someone. Nobody can control the time or place they may/may not meet someone special, stop focusing on this as a goal. You’ll be happier for it.0 -
Hi OpI notice some of you have said that I am attracted to these men, the thing is im not attracted to them or that type, They wearnt all very good looking, I go for personality over looks anyday. They are attracted to me so we get talking, start getting to know each other and thats when this side of them comes out. Sometimes they seem normal and I even think im developing feelings for them. It can go as far as we might sleep together before they become possessive, controlling and abusive.
This jumped out for me, is it a case that these men choose you? But did you choose them or go with them because they showed interest in you?
This is important in that perhaps you are not doing the choosing, they are.0
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