It's complicated being friends with Ex

hsjsj · 19-03-2020 12:04pm #1

So I broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago maybe. I said we would still be friends. Since we were together 6 years. We had just started living together and this caused a lot of issues in breaking up, so I was looking for places to live and staying with friends a lot so I didn't have to see him. Now I still see him every week. I went away with some friends for 3days and I didn't see him when I got back. I like a new guy and I've been staying with him and we spend most of our free time together. I haven't told my ex about the new guy, as I don't want to upset him. However my ex had been wanting to see me a lot. And even called me 10 times the other night when I was with the new guy, I apologized and didn't answer and said I would text him the next day. It turned out that he just missed me and said it was causing him to be upset. So I spent the day with him and left that night because i had a date. My ex was upset that I left apparently so soon, and is now fighting with me today as he wanted to be lock "down buddies" and spend the week with me. He says that if I was a real best friend I would make more time for him and value out friendship. I have said I value the time we spend together but I should be allowed to spend time with other friends. This actually causes me to feel so stressed out, I even got a stress ulcer. I don't know what to do, I have to keep choosing between the new guy who I really like and keeping my ex happy so that he doesn't do something dumb. I know this shouldn't be my problem but he doesn't have many people in his life, but I feel he should be trying to move on. Am I right?

JeffKenna · 19-03-2020 12:07pm

Lesson for the future, never agree to be friends. It's tough but for his sake you've got to cut all contact with your ex and give him a chance to get over you.

Idle Passerby · 19-03-2020 12:49pm

You can't be friends straight away after a break up. It's not friendship its co-dependancy at such an early stage. Cut all contact and make it clear to him you are over - that means having a period of coming to terms with with not having each other as a constant anymore. Anything else is just a recipe for a mess.

sbsquarepants · 19-03-2020 1:37pm

I agree. Maybe in time you can be friends, but for the foreseeable future, ie the next year or so at least, the more distance between you the better. All you're doing is dragging things out needlessly.

Big Bag of Chips · 19-03-2020 1:46pm

Yep, you tried to soften the blow but all you're doing is dragging out the inevitable.

The new fella must be fairly understanding if he doesn't mind you going between him and your ex. I wouldn't be too happy if someone new I was seeing was getting incessant calls from their ex while we were together and heading off to meet them and comfort them.

You are not "best friends". You can't be. He wouldn't expect this level of contact from any other friend.

You need to cut contact for now. You are actually only contributing to hurting him. He needs to not rely on you for company. You're not friends.

zoobizoo · 19-03-2020 2:44pm

hsjsj wrote: »

.

my ex had been wanting to see me a lot.

called me 10 times the other night

missed me and said it was causing him to be upset.

upset that I left apparently so soon,

now fighting with me today as he wanted to be lock "down buddies" and spend the week with me.

He says that if I was a real best friend I would make more time for him and value out ?

Do yourself a favour and see this for what it is.

It's not a proper break up. He is dependent on you and this dependency which you are complicit in, is not acceptable behaviour by an ex, a friend or as he likes to think a "best friend".

This isn't how friendships are meant to work.

You need to actually break up. No calls, no contact.

hedzball · 19-03-2020 7:45pm

I don't talk to a single ex for this very reason.

Very rare you can be "friends"

Let Him fight with you and he might get the hint.. otherwise give it to him.

'Hdz

MiliMe · 19-03-2020 7:52pm

Did you do the breaking up? If you did then give the guy a break and cut him out for a bit. He is probably still in love with you and you are not helping his chances of moving on from you.
Ex's cannot be friends until both parties are completely over eachother, maybe even ever.

Kylta · 19-03-2020 10:44pm

When a relationship is finished its finished, I dont think your ex wants to be friends, I think he is emotionally blackmailing you. For your own benefit I think you should be honest and forthright and tell him good luck, or you'll have no social life.
Or maybe your having second thoughts about dumping him!

leggo · 20-03-2020 3:42am

This is totally unhealthy, even if both of you are probably coming at it with your heart in the right place.

You’re indulging him way too much OP. You’re sleeping with another person but unwilling to let go of this ex at the same time, making it totally unfair on both guys. I’m not fully buying that it’s just because you feel guilty or don’t want to upset him either. I think this codependent post-relationship relationship suited you for a time while getting over him and now you’re here looking for permission to cut him loose now that you’ve effectively ‘replaced’ him. That’s a seriously cold way to treat someone and a horrible way to start a new relationship too. You kinda danced around this I think but when you say you ‘see’ him...is there a physical element? Be honest like, has anything sexual happened since you split up? If so, and I’m fairly certain from the nature of the dynamic that the break up was largely led by you, then you’ve led him on and that needs to be accounted for too.

As for him, he’s being emotionally manipulative and controlling towards you saying stuff like how you should do what he wants because that’s how ‘real’ best friends behave. It’s playing on guilt he knows you have to try get his way and is also awful behaviour.

The end result of you two splitting up is definitely the right call anyway. This is a horrible, ‘everyone sucks here’, toxic situation. Ghosting him for the sake of getting a clean split probably feels like the best call for you to make, and people here are nudging you towards that, but given you’ve played a part in him feeling this way then I’d make that an absolute last resort and instead outline why you need to cut contact with one fully honest conversation, possibly including how you’re now sleeping with someone else so you don’t **** with his head and confuse him any more, and give him the tools he needs to find closure. He probably feels, because you haven’t made a clean break, like you’re still interested and you probably don’t want to correct that because it feels ‘mean’. Let him know the truth. You don’t have to stay to dress the wounds, he’s a grown adult. But if you give him the truth then at least he can know what wounds he needs to heal and then it’s his responsibility whether he does so or not, you’ve done your part.

I’d also be extremely careful about dating someone else right now too. There’s a lot of unhealthy patterns you’re displaying here and they’re not just going to evaporate by meeting someone new, what’s most likely is you’ll jump from one toxic mess straight into another. Other people don’t fix us, we fix ourselves. So take time to actually be alone for a bit and figure out who you are without this lad, then get back to dating as a new person rather than carrying the scars of this into something new.

joeguevara · 20-03-2020 7:01am

He realistically doesn’t want to be friends. No friend calls 10 times just because they miss you. Also no friend wants to be lockdown buddies. He is trying to be with you.its not his fault as he obviously still likes you. But his actions are effecting your life. If you don’t want to get back with him it is unfair on both of you unless you make it clear and break contact. It may seem cold and unfair, especially as people’s anxiety are through the roof at the moment but it is the only way. I find it is rare that ex can remain friends, especially soon after a break up but you are not responsible for his feelings. Also new guy, no matter what he says will be comfortable with a clingy ex on the scene.

Put it this way, he is making an issue that ye are not lockdown buddies. He is not worrying about your feelings and it’s selfish. 10 calls while you are trying to have a night out is not normal. I feel,for him but he is not your problem.

Caranica · 20-03-2020 2:23pm

I'm friends with most of my exes. If someone was important enough to get that close, why would I want to cut them out? But that has been achieved by beginning with at least 6 months cold turkey, zero contact. That's what it takes to break the need.

OP I really think you might be making a mistake getting involved with someone else so soon. You need time to heal.

Caryatnid · 22-03-2020 5:53pm

Hold up. There are bigger issues in the world right now. Your dates shouldn't be anything other than virtual. You should not be seeing your ex, which solves that problem anyway. It's not clear from your post if you have a stable place to stay but you need to have one place to stay, and, literally stay there. No visiting friends. We are in the middle of a Global Pandemic, which is getting worse. We all need to do our part and that includes proper social isolation.

crazy maisie · 29-03-2020 12:57am

Generally if you make someone an 'ex' it's for good reason. It's generally impossible to go from romantic relationship to platonic relationship straight away. Maybe with time and distance you can be cordial, but long term friendships and hanging out are a bad idea. It causes mixed signals.

It's complicated being friends with Ex

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