Overthinking or Cut My Losses?

LegacyUser · 06-12-2019 3:21pm #1

Regular member going unreg here for privacy reasons.

A bit of background info, I'm a woman in my late 20's and single 18months after a long term relationship that was full of emotional manipulation, gaslighting and a toxic atmosphere ended.
I took some time to get my head straight and only recently back in the dating game.

For the last 6 weeks I've been seeing an amazing guy. I know he likes me but he has an exremely busy schedule.
He works full time, is doing a part time masters, and also plays a sport that requires training a few times a week and a match at the weekends.
On top of that he's close to his family & has a wide circle of friends, so he obviously needs to make time for them too.
Despite his busy schedule, he makes time to text me every day, even if its only a message to say he's busy & he's thinking of me.
We've only gone on 3 dates in that time, one per week for the first two weeks, then he was abroad the following week, he had a college exam the week after and we met again last weekend.

I'm aware that this is a very busy social month for most people, and therefore a cr*p time to start seeing someone. There are no plans to meet up this weekend as he is busy with family and friends.
I'm totally fine with this, but because of past relationship experiences, I can't help but have a niggly feeling that he's making excuses and/or is busy going on other dates. Not just this weekend, but in general.
I know that's totally irrational, but here we are. I can't help but be overly suspicious of everthing.

On the rare occasion he doesn't contact me all day, I assume the worst and that he's gone off me. I do my fair share of messaging him first, but yesterday I sent him a snapchat, he opened it and didn't reply. Now he was busy with college so I know that's probably why, but he never contacted me and my mind has gone into overdrive thinking the worst.

The other thing is he's only single 4 months himself out of a LTR (which he ended).
Logically, I know he wouldn't make the effort to talk to me every day, say and do nice things and bring me on nice dates if he wasn't somewhat interested.
The other part of me thinks he's fobbing me off and using me for company when it suits him (we haven't slept together or done anything remotely sexual yet).
I'm terrified of being a rebound or being used as a stop gap until something better comes along.

I know the most sensible thing to do is ask him but after only a handful of weeks and a few dates I think it would be OTT for me to try to have a "what are we, where do you see this going" style convo.
I just really like him and am afraid of getting overly invested. A lot of these insecurities stem from my last relationship, which I'm working hard on.

I'd also just like to point out that he has no idea I'm even like this, he is completely unaware of my insecurities. I haven't said a single word to him about it and he has even mentioned how refreshing it is to meet a girl who is so laid back and chilled and has her own life full of hobbies, interests and friends who isn't desperate to settle down with the first man she meets.

So what do the people of RI think, am I overthinking it and reading into signs that aren't there (and I should be more patient till his schedule calms down) or is he maybe keeping me on the long finger and I'm being naive about it all?

Telly · 06-12-2019 5:09pm

Yes you’re overthinking it all. What’s stopping you from going on other dates? After 3 dates it’s far too soon to be having “the talk”. Plus if he’s so busy he’s not going to want to be tied down so soon. Just go with the flow and keep going the way you are. Stop overthinking everything.

strandroad · 07-12-2019 12:02am

Anon131 wrote: »

So what do the people of RI think, am I overthinking it and reading into signs that aren't there (and I should be more patient till his schedule calms down) or is he maybe keeping me on the long finger and I'm being naive about it all?

I would chill out and do my own thing in December but reevaluate in January if he is still too busy.

JeffKenna · 07-12-2019 12:08am

You seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket I'm afraid. It doesn't sound like this guy has the time for a relationship so I'd be weary of getting too emotionally invested. Keep dating other people until/if you two come to a mutual decision to be exclusive.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2019 12:10am

What are you are feeling is understandable. I would say there is a fine line between the right amount of contact or expectation and him potentially feeling “ I’m very busy , just four months out of a ltr “ the statement he made about it being a breath of fresh air , you being chilled out , is a good thing. You’re in a minority. I’d keep it fairly chill. It will obviously do your head in a bit though , not knowing what he’s thinking. Is he just that busy or what else does he have going on ? Give it another week and see how things pan out. If I met a girl I really liked , I’d certainly be able to fit in one date a week , i mean we are all busy. But you make time if you want to get to know someone

Calypso Realm · 07-12-2019 12:50am

JeffKenna wrote: »

You seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket I'm afraid. It doesn't sound like this guy has the time for a relationship so I'd be weary of getting too emotionally invested. Keep dating other people until/if you two come to a mutual decision to be exclusive.

Exactly what I was going to say. In addiiton, while it's not clear how many dates you've had in the six weeks, one date a week in some instances, can point to low interest. Also, his remarks about how great it is to meet a girl who has her own life etc and isn't desperate to settle down suggests to me this guy isn't looking for anything too serious anytime soon! Totally understandable if he's not long out of a LTR but this is something I wouldn't bear in mind. Out of interest how old are you both?

I realise he had exams etc and this could very well gain momentum in future (and I hope it does) but I wouldn't get overly invested here and would definitely keep my options open.

bitofabind · 07-12-2019 3:03am

I see a lot of red flags tbh. From your side as well as his.

He's not available. Three dates over six weeks is not "seeing someone", even if you are texting every day. We're all busy, but people will prioritise what's important to them. People far busier than him manage to get into serious relationships, get married, have kids, all sorts. He's not available for a relationship with you.

On your side, you're over-investing in someone you barely know and reading way too much into trivial behaviours. You should be meeting other guys, keeping your options open and operating under a "wait and see" approach. I seem to have a good connection with this guy, but let's wait and see. I don't really know him yet. Let's see if he's worth my time and energy. You're also hiding your feelings and your needs from him and maybe even yourself, in an effort to not seem overly needy or invested. You're muting your own needs in order to seem like the 'cool girl". You can't do this forever. It leads to toxic and unhealthy relationships like the one you had with your ex.

Your needs are your needs and you're entitled to them, just like he is. What do you need? More of his time? Someone who wants a relationship with you? Someone who wants to be exclusive? Look those things in the eye. It's perfectly fine to want those things. But it's also important to honour them and recognise when you've met someone who's on an entirely different page. Finding someone "amazing" and having a spark and a connection is great, but it's not what matters in the long run. It's being compatible in your needs that matters ultimately.

ILoveYourVibes · 07-12-2019 7:27am

I understand you are probably a lovely person etc. And that you are feeling insecure.

But you have only been on 3 dates. You have to learn to protect yourself emotionally from feeling too much.

I wouldn't say he is not into you or into you. He can't be into you so soon.

I hear of people saying is he going off me? You haven't been together to know if you are into each other at all yet.

It takes a while for people to become TRULY a part of your life. And you don't owe him anything yet.

I would say his gut realizes you are insecure ..and that you will always be around.

I am not saying treat em mean keep em keen ...but you have to give em time to miss you ...and have a lot of self respect ...

Yes i think you are being naive.

If you want and think you deserve a certain type of treatment ..then don't give men who aren't meeting your needs the time of day

Just stop giving them attention and move on to someone who has the same needs and rhythm as you.

leggo · 07-12-2019 12:52pm

bitofabind wrote: »

I see a lot of red flags tbh. From your side as well as his.

He's not available. Three dates over six weeks is not "seeing someone", even if you are texting every day. We're all busy, but people will prioritise what's important to them. People far busier than him manage to get into serious relationships, get married, have kids, all sorts. He's not available for a relationship with you.

On your side, you're over-investing in someone you barely know and reading way too much into trivial behaviours. You should be meeting other guys, keeping your options open and operating under a "wait and see" approach. I seem to have a good connection with this guy, but let's wait and see. I don't really know him yet. Let's see if he's worth my time and energy. You're also hiding your feelings and your needs from him and maybe even yourself, in an effort to not seem overly needy or invested. You're muting your own needs in order to seem like the 'cool girl". You can't do this forever. It leads to toxic and unhealthy relationships like the one you had with your ex.

Your needs are your needs and you're entitled to them, just like he is. What do you need? More of his time? Someone who wants a relationship with you? Someone who wants to be exclusive? Look those things in the eye. It's perfectly fine to want those things. But it's also important to honour them and recognise when you've met someone who's on an entirely different page. Finding someone "amazing" and having a spark and a connection is great, but it's not what matters in the long run. It's being compatible in your needs that matters ultimately.

^^^^^

This is the correct answer OP. Nailed it.

LegacyUser · 07-12-2019 1:53pm

Hi Op,
He is stringing you along while exploring other options.If you are happy to stick around for this treatment then go ahead.There is a slight chance that it could go somewhere if he doesn't succeed with other conquests.But there will be power imbalance.
Personally you have had great patience i would have cut my losses after 1st week if there was no suggestion of further dates.He doesnt have anything invested into this and as other poster said can sense that you will stick around in hopes of this going anywhere.Which you clearly do.
It's up to you how you proceed but the right person will not make you feel like you are in grey area even in initial stage of dating.The right person will boost your confidence and make you feel at ease.Sorry to be blunt but it is what it is.

LolaJJ · 09-12-2019 2:56pm

I'd disagree with a few of the replies above and put it down to figuring out what it is that you are actually after with this guy.

If you want a guy who is ready to commit and is serious about that and meeting someone, settling down etc then you are probably wasting your time on this man.

If you just want a boyfriend or someone to go on dates with or be seeing then plough on.

FWIW I dated plenty of these guys for years and wondered if I would ever meet someone I clicked with enough for it to go somewhere.

When I met my current boyfriend (2 and a bit years ago) incidentally it was mid-November and we both managed to make lots of time for eachother right through the run up to Christmas, he even came out to my work a couple of times so we could go for lunch even if we weren't free in the evening time. We both had busy work schedules, gym, hobbies etc....

Maybe wait for that guy

bitofabind · 10-12-2019 2:04am

LolaJJ wrote: »

I'd disagree with a few of the replies above and put it down to figuring out what it is that you are actually after with this guy.

I'd say it's fairly obvious she wants more than just a casual date every other week. If the anxiety over being a rebound and terror over him going on dates with other women is anything to go by.

Anon131 wrote: »

I can't help but have a niggly feeling that he's making excuses and/or is busy going on other dates. Not just this weekend, but in general.
I know that's totally irrational, but here we are. I can't help but be overly suspicious of everything.

Why is it irrational? He may well be. He's not investing any real time or energy in you (texting doesn't count, it takes 5 seconds) and modern dating is what it is. Especially if you met him online.

From reading your post, the general gist I'm getting is you have this chap on a pedastal because he seems like a "catch". All those friends and hobbies and social plans and further education while in full employment blah blah. That's sucking you in and you're ignoring the red flags that are screaming that HE IS NOT AVAILABLE but your subconscious is responding to them by freaking the hell out.

It's a classic push/pull dynamic that happens when you meet an avoidant man and are prone to insecurities. Fear of abandonment and fear of getting hurt and all these deeper things kick in.

I agree with LolaJJ in that when it's someone that's really on the same page as you, you don't feel like a big needy walking emotional wreck on the inside - you feel peace. Because they go that extra mile with you.

joeguevara · 12-12-2019 6:59am

I rarely post on threads like this but I thought I would give my experience as it's relevant.

I have a lot of things going on with work, family, helping a friends business as well as other bits and pieces. Always have my phone with me and when on the bus or in a taxi would look up sports results, text my mum, look at jokes etc. But before if seeing someone I wouldn't go out of my way to contact. Not being ignorant but felt I had other things going on.

Started something new recently and would make time to text. Make time for coffee. Would organize things so go on dates. Don't know why it's different but it is. What I'm saying is if you are not being made a priority it's not because he is too busy, but it is because you are not a priority. And no one deserves that. No matter how busy or tired someone is you should come first.

Xterminator · 12-12-2019 9:47am

Hi OP

you are seeing a guy for a few weeks. he has a lot going on, and still makes time to check in every day. He is in your own words 'amazing'.
you feel in his busy life that your not the highest priority, and evidence would agree with that, especially the infrequent dates. And you both have significant emotional baggage.

I cannot disagree with the people who are saying if he was smitten with you and in love at 1st sight, he might be making more of an effort. That's likely to be true.

but lets be a little more real here. Hes a nice guy, offering you friendship and maybe more, but you can see he wants to take things slow. Again not bad in itself. There is a real possibility that given time and effort this could bloom into something special. Its not there yet though. Just because he hasn't yet declared he is irrevocably in love is not a character flaw.

So what i would do is sit down face to face and share some of the things you are feeling. Let him know you are insecure and that perhaps you need a little more from him, and let him know what you are looking for from a relationship. Because he isn't psychic. Why some people are telling you to dump to abandon this relationship now, without trying, or saying his actions are 'red flags' i cannot for the life of me understand. From what you have said, he has done nothing bad.

It may turn out you are not both on the same page as to what you want from this relationship/friendship. If that's the case then so be it. It may also turn out he is taking things slow because he is also afraid of getting hurt, or doesn't want to spook you ... or the timing is just poor or many other reasons.

Its hard to see things from an objective perspective when your emotionally invested, but if you gut tells you he is a decent person, then go with that. Communicate honestly, take the risk and see how he feels and where he stands.

Telly · 12-12-2019 10:18am

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

So what i would do is sit down face to face and share some of the things you are feeling. Let him know you are insecure and that perhaps you need a little more from him, and let him know what you are looking for from a relationship. Because he isn't psychic. Why some people are telling you to dump to abandon this relationship now, without trying, or saying his actions are 'red flags' i cannot for the life of me understand. From what you have said, he has done nothing bad.

I would NOT do this. You've only been on 3 dates ffs. Telling him you're insecure will make him run a mile!

Just relax and stop over-thiking it all and enjoy the ride. It's only been a short time.

LegacyUser · 12-12-2019 12:40pm

OP here, thanks so much for all the replies, it has given me a lot to think about.

Upon discussing the issue with a male friend whose advice I trust, I've realised that this situation is largely my own fault due to giving such mixed signals.

I was quite happy with the arrangement for the first few weeks and made it known on the first two dates how important my own space was to me, how busy I am and how I won't let another relationship take over my life. I can now see in hindsight that it was at this point that he pulled back a bit.
The first weekend he said he wasn't available to see me due to college commitments and plans with his friends he was extremely apologetic, but I told him it sounded to me like he had his priorities in check and that I admired the fact that he wasn't dropping everything for a girl he barely knew.
I told him I hate texting and find it needy when people need to be in constant 24/7 contact with the person they're dating.
I pretty much encouraged him to not prioritise me.
At the time, I genuinely meant it all and was putting my cards on the table as the idea of someone wanting a lot of my time & attention filled me with dread.
I wanted to take things extremely slow & keep it low key.

I then realised how much I like him and panic set in. I couldn't go back on what I had said without sounding needy and insecure, it was too early days. So I started reading into everything, overanalysing and overthinking. I never expected to develop feelings for him so early on.
I basically shot myself in the foot.

From his perspective, he probably thinks he's going at my pace and suiting my needs - and he was at the time. I do want a bit more now, but I just don't know how to communicate it without sounding insecure.

The other thing is I'm actually very busy myself between now and the 24th. I have a big deadline in work, three parties this weekend, all my Christmas shopping to do, two dinners next week and I'm away to the Christmas markets for a weekend break next week.
So I can't really complain about him not making time for me when I have next to no free time myself between now and Christmas.

So my plan of action was to let things tick over with the texts/phone calls over the next week or so and hopefully meet up before New Years. Then in the New Year, when things have quitened down a lot socially & professionally for both of us, something a bit more consistent might develop.
I don't know if this is even a good idea but I don't know what else to do but wait it out and hope for the best.

I realise this is all my own making, I never thought about it from his perspective till my friend pointed out how all the things I had said sound to a man.
I know I sound like a total headf*ck, but I don't know how to fix this.

bitofabind · 12-12-2019 5:48pm

Honestly I think you’re overthinking this to epic proportions. You’ve been on 3 dates. You barely know each other. You’re both mad busy and honestly from your latest post it sounds like you really haven’t dealt with the issues that your last relationship brought up for you. Blocking a guy with “I’m really busy and have my own life and have no time for a relationship” when you’re actively interested in him is not the sign of someone that’s emotionally ready for one.

My instinct is this will go the way of fading out of each other’s lives because of the lack of dates and my advice would be to manage your expectations and deal with whatever residual issues are there from your last relationship.

coolbeans · 16-12-2019 6:28pm

Xterminator wrote: »

.

So what i would do is sit down face to face and share some of the things you are feeling. Let him know you are insecure and that perhaps you need a little more from him, and let him know what you are looking for from a relationship.

Do not do this OP. Very intense after three dates.

Overthinking or Cut My Losses?

Comments