Who to choose?

LegacyUser · 13-10-2019 6:17pm #1

Hey all. Decided to go unreg for this but I've had a bit of a dilemma when it comes to dating.
I'm a guy in my twenties and have never had a girlfriend. The reason for this is that I'm not a guy that needs a GF and any if the women I've fancied in the past have either had bfs of weren't interested.
My dilemma is that at this moment I have an interest in a number of women and don't know who to pursue. I know the answer from a lot would be to just try and go out on dates with a few of them to see if there is even a spark but I feel it's a little complicated. I'll give a brief summary of some of them using their initials to separate them.

KM - Got to know her when she had a bf and always thought she was cute. Asked her out 2 months after she broke up with her ex but she said she wasn't ready for anything. We've stayed good friends but have gotten some flirtatious signals from her and even went to the cinema with her yesterday and got a coffee after.

KF - Used to work with her and chat the odd time on social media. See her now and again and am attracted to her. We flirted a bit during the Christmas party last year but that's died down since I left that job. I sometimes be back in that workplace tho so see her now and again. She's not the most responsive on social media.

SB - Have became really good friends recently and grown really close. She has a long term bf tho and am not gonna be the guy that wrecks that. Have strong feelings for her tho.

LH - Became friends online, didn't fancy her until we met and her personality made me like her. We are very similar but don't get the impression shes into me. Attracted to her too.

NL - Got to know her online and although I haven't met her, her personality is infectious and would love the opportunity to take her out. I asked if she'd like to meet for coffee which she agreed to but she said she's super busy and we live 4 hours apart. Don't get the impression shes romantically interested ATM but we don't really know each other overly well.

I apologise for the long descriptions, I think it helps to even get these thoughts out on paper so I can see them myself. I suffer from OCD which may play a part in my struggle as I can overthink and analyse stuff a lot. That's why my post looks quite organised too tbh ha
I really don't want to lead on or hurt any of them which I may not even do unintentionally as they may not even be interested in me. I had really fancied women in the past and they stood out which made things so easy. The problem here is I see so many great aspects of all these women.
Any suggestions how to handle this situations? Thanks

leggo · 13-10-2019 9:15pm

Just to be clear: by online do you mean dating apps or what are we talking? You don’t have to get specific, just the ballpark. Specifically because, if it’s through dating apps, then you’ve got the all clear to pursue it and test the waters by them chatting to you.

I’m not going to go through it girl by girl, but in general I’d recommend being forthcoming with your interest from when you’re interested and not befriending them. I’m not a believer in the ‘friend zone’ or anything like that, and some of the best relationships can develop from an existing friendship, but there’s a trend here and it suggests you’re not confident enough to express an interest. The reason a lot of these situations don’t work isn’t because of some mythical ‘zone’ guys get ‘stuck’ in: , it’s because:

a) It’s unattractive to lack that confidence and,
b) People hate feeling you’ve misrepresented yourself to ‘get in’ when really you wanted a romantic relationship. It can feel like you’re trying to trick or manipulate them into bed.

To answer your question: pursue whoever you want, all of them if you like. Don’t bog them down with big texts coming clean or declaring love or anything, just get used to casually admitting you’re attracted to them and would be interested in going for a drink. There’s no shame in it whatsoever, that’s literally how every one of us came to exist.

sallyanne12 · 13-10-2019 10:22pm

SB is the only one you mention having strong feelings for. Sounds like you want what you can't have. KM is probably your best chance. Definitely forget the others especially KF..

LegacyUser · 13-10-2019 10:33pm

Got to know none through dating sites. All Instagram.
The initials sound quite silly now lol but I appreciate you sticking with it Sallyanne and trying to decipher who I've the best chance with. Tbh I know I don't know NL that well but if I had to pick one, I'd love to get to know her better.

I know SB and KM the best and definitely have feelings for both.
I'm the closest to SB, we stay up till the early hours sending voice notes and we just click so well. However, as mentioned I won't get anywhere with SB cos she seems happy with her boyfriend and I don't want to mess with that.
I really enjoyed going to the cinema with KM yesterday and we had a good laugh but I don't think she's interested in me.

Tbh it's just nice to chat this stuff out cos I don't have many to talk to about this stuff.

bitofabind · 13-10-2019 10:44pm

Immediately disqualify the ones that are in relationships for obvious reasons. And the first one, who’s already refused your advances. That leaves you with 3 options if I’m not mistaken. One of whom lives 4 hours away so that disqualifies her too unless you’re both up for a long distance relationship (not likely).

Which one do you fancy the most?

Caranica · 14-10-2019 8:35am

I'd say none of them. The fact that you're torn means none of them are right and reading the descriptions has reinforced that opinion. When you meet someone you will know.

LolaJJ · 14-10-2019 9:19am

For someone who doesn't need a girlfriend you are putting a lot of work in to shortlisting potential candidates.

I'd agree with the above, relatonships happen naturally, they aren't based on a list of pros and cons. The people we connect with and are drawn to don't necessarily fit in to the neat little box we have in our imaginations.

Doing this, imho is going to prevent you from organically connecting with people

Mr. Incognito · 14-10-2019 10:07am

Caranica wrote: »

I'd say none of them. The fact that you're torn means none of them are right and reading the descriptions has reinforced that opinion. When you meet someone you will know.

I dont agree with this.

Any relationship takes time and effort and there's no shortcut for that. Any relationship you nuture will thrive be it famlily, friends, work coleagues or romance.

Equally any relationship you neglect will wither.

My advice is to hang out with KM and LH.

KM is just out of a relationship so dont put any pressure on it. Just hang out as friends and nuture that friendship.

KF -you would have to ask out to see if she's interested.

LH actually sounds like the best of the lot. If you fancy her personality then you fancy the essence of her and I would prioritise hanging out with her.

LegacyUser · 14-10-2019 1:54pm

I don't need a girlfriend as in I'm not a guy that isn't happy on his own. I've only ever been in my own and would be happy to stay on my own if I didn't fancy any women.
However, my point is I really fancy the women I've mentioned. And when I say fancy, I find them attractive but it's the personality that draws me in. I know I like a woman a lot when i fancy her but my first thought isn't what it would be like to sleep with them. Of course, when I think about it, it excites me but it's the feeling of their infectious personality and wanting to be in their company that really reels me in.

A part of me was thinking along the lines of what Carinca said, that if I really liked someone then I would know. I have in the past for example and only had eyes for them. This could be a situation though where I don't know them well enough to really like them yet.

I think I need to be more proactive and just go for it. I have asked girls out in the past so that doesn't scare me but I'm quite close to a few of them so it may make things awkward. If I knew for definite I really liked them then I wouldn't think twice.

S.G.M. · 14-10-2019 5:15pm

Caranica wrote:

I'd say none of them. The fact that you're torn means none of them are right and reading the descriptions has reinforced that opinion. When you meet someone you will know.

I'm not sure it's always that clear cut.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 14-10-2019 6:09pm

I dunno... In my experience, when I met a woman who truly blew me away, it made the decision to drop any others very easy.

leggo · 15-10-2019 10:01am

Both can be true. Yes, when someone special comes along it makes any decisions easy. But that kind of infatuation doesn't always lead to a healthy situation either. So taking your time, making an informed decision and letting something blossom isn't a bad idea either. There's no one tried and true method of finding something special, if there was this place wouldn't exist!

Bob Harris · 15-10-2019 10:53am

Do you think any of these women would want you to fancy them?

lunamoon · 15-10-2019 11:24am

It sounds like you're interviewing them for a job rather than a romantic relationship.

Neyite · 16-10-2019 10:55am

Don't go for any of them.

KM has friend-zoned you, KF would reply on social media like a shot if she fancied you, SB has a boyfriend so you'd get turned down AND lose a friendship there, both LH and NL are lukewarm in terms of their attraction to you.

Literally none of them have given you a clear indication that they fancy you or that they want to take things any further than they are currently.

If someone likes you, they find a way to let you know if they can't outright tell you. They'd pounce on your texts and reply. They'd move heaven and earth to meet up for a coffee or a drink. They would flirt and drop lots of hints. You'd know.

I think you'd get a knock back from all of them so probably best not to ask out any of them to avoid the embarrassment.

S.G.M. · 16-10-2019 11:38am

Neyite wrote:

I think you'd get a knock back from all of them so probably best not to ask out any of them to avoid the embarrassment.

Very poor attitude imo. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Neyite · 16-10-2019 11:46am

S.G.M. wrote: »

Very poor attitude imo. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Women find it tiresome when men they don't fancy hit on them despite being clear that they are not interested in him.

leggo · 16-10-2019 11:47am

Agreed. Even if OP is inexperienced and doesn’t know how to read interest, he’d learn way more from trying and being rejected than he would doing nothing out of fear of embarrassment. Even the low feelings that can come with rejection are helpful in that they can motivate you to improve. Doing nothing is the one way he 100% guarantees to stay exactly where he is.

S.G.M. · 16-10-2019 11:57am

leggo wrote:

Agreed. Even if OP is inexperienced and doesnâ€™t know how to read interest, heâ€™d learn way more from trying and being rejected than he would doing nothing out of fear of embarrassment. Even the low feelings that can come with rejection are helpful in that they can motivate you to improve. Doing nothing is the one way he 100% guarantees to stay exactly where he is.

This. The OP could also be reading the situations wrong. It's not like every relationship has come from both parties being obsessed with one another beforehand.

S.G.M. · 16-10-2019 12:02pm

Neyite wrote:

Women find it tiresome when men they don't fancy hit on them despite being clear that they are not interested in him.

A friend of mine had a fella after her. She wasn't feeling him and turned him down two times. Third time she accepted, they are now living together and expecting their first child. She adores him.

SusieBlue · 16-10-2019 12:31pm

S.G.M. wrote: »

A friend of mine had a fella after her. She wasn't feeling him and turned him down two times. Third time she accepted, they are now living together and expecting their first child. She adores him.

That doesn't mean its acceptable to repeatedly ask someone out who made it clear they weren't interested

I'm glad it worked out for your friend but as a rule of thumb, a man should respect your boundaries and decisions. Repeatedly asking out a woman who has already said no is doing the opposite of that.

S.G.M. · 16-10-2019 12:45pm

SusieBlue wrote:

That doesn't mean its acceptable to repeatedly ask someone out who made it clear they weren't interested I'm glad it worked out for your friend but as a rule of thumb, a man should respect your boundaries and decisions. Repeatedly asking out a woman who has already said no is doing the opposite of that.

I understand that but things aren't always black and white. If this guy followed your advice then my friend wouldn't be where she is now looking forward to the future with her dream guy.

I do get where you're coming from though. I just think it has to be judged by each individual.

DexyDrain · 16-10-2019 12:49pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

That doesn't mean its acceptable to repeatedly ask someone out who made it clear they weren't interested
I'm glad it worked out for your friend but as a rule of thumb, a man should respect your boundaries and decisions. Repeatedly asking out a woman who has already said no is doing the opposite of that.

In the future all romantic novels will be three pages long or less!

SusieBlue · 16-10-2019 12:51pm

S.G.M. wrote: »

I understand that but things aren't always black and white. If this guy followed your advice then my friend wouldn't be where she is now looking forward to the future with her dream guy.

I do get where you're coming from though. I just think it has to be judged by each individual.

I think what happened your friend is a huge exception rather than the rule.
If someone did that to me I would think its disrespectful and creepy and would rule out any small possibility of me changing my mind on the matter.

If someone expressly says they aren't interested, its bad form to keep putting pressure on them.

S.G.M. · 16-10-2019 1:01pm

SusieBlue wrote:

I think what happened your friend is a huge exception rather than the rule. If someone did that to me I would think its disrespectful and creepy and would rule out any small possibility of me changing my mind on the matter.

That's your opinion though. Not all women evidently feel like that.
Again though, I see your point and I also have a lot of female friends who have to deal with creeps that don't leave them alone. I think it's how you do it as a guy. Ya can sense if a woman is uncomfortable and imo if ya get any sense of that then ya stop immediately.
I just mentioned my friends situation with regards the comment about the OP that, he shouldn't try because they don't seem interested. The OP has only asked out one of the girls and was being told to not even try and ask out the others because 'it seems' they aren't interested.

sasta le · 16-10-2019 1:05pm

You got to know them through Instagram?
So you followed,DMed or commented on a status or pic

nthclare · 16-10-2019 1:15pm

Choose the one in the middle of all this, that's yourself.

Choose your destiny...

wiggle16 · 16-10-2019 2:57pm

In fairness OP, we've been through this before and looking at this thread the advice hasn't changed. No one can really tell you who to pick. You need to ask them out, bait your hook, see who bites and then see how things go.

Unless a person is already involved with someone else or has given clear indications that they're either not interested in you or not available, then this is all academic and you should ask them out and see what happens. You'll find out quite quickly if it was a good idea or not. She will let you know herself.

I don't think you're going to hear anything different to what you did last time, so I'm afraid I have to lock this thread. Best of luck either way.

Thread locked

Who to choose?

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