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Gay Men in Heterosexual Marriages
Comments
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I don't envy your situation and I wish you the best in what ever you decide. Remember you can't unring a bell, once you tell your wife everything will change forever, be prepared for alot of heartache. Your wife is likely to be heartbroken when you tell her and is unlikely to believe or trust in you again. In the long run it may well be for the best, it's impossible for anyone here to know. As I've said previously you know your wife better than anyone and have a better idea how she is likely to react.tommymoate wrote: »Thanks for the replies. i know exactly what you are both saying. im not sure what i hope to achieve by telling her, i just fear if i dont and this builds up in my head more that it might lead to eventual marraige breakdown. My feelings have grown this last 12 months and i just worry i will get to a point where my wife is not enough and i need more, and i dont want to do that to her. I would not tell her in the hope she allows me to explore my bi side, she would never do that. I think i feel im cheating on her by being bi and her not knowing.0 -
tommymoate wrote: »Thanks for the replies. i know exactly what you are both saying. im not sure what i hope to achieve by telling her, i just fear if i dont and this builds up in my head more that it might lead to eventual marraige breakdown. My feelings have grown this last 12 months and i just worry i will get to a point where my wife is not enough and i need more, and i dont want to do that to her. I would not tell her in the hope she allows me to explore my bi side, she would never do that. I think i feel im cheating on her by being bi and her not knowing.
It sounds like you could be in a tight spot mentally over this. Don't beat yourself up over it. Having sexual urges for someone else are extremely normal.
Have you started exploring any of your urges or feelings? I say this as someone with a high libido. What are you experiencing? Are you fantasising or have you actually started to crush a male friend you know?
There is no crime in day-dreaming sexually... at all. I do it all the time. It is how you carry out these fantasies that matter, particularly if they are not including your wife sexually. Thread carefully, especially with your wife's feelings. It may just be an itch you need to scratch, you could tip your toe in the water and find out it is far too cold for your liking, or …. you could be missing out on some really good sex, either way do not deprive yourself. This is your life.
My best advice is to experiment behind your wife's back. I know that sounds sinister but it will give you the opportunity to not hurt her feelings. That is important. If you find you want to progress further with this sexuality you will need to consider ending your marriage. I find with my own sexuality that it is better to not waste anyone's time, I have a few loose relationships with both sexes, it works for me and I am not wasting anyone's time or emotions. I am not married and I am not hurting anyone's feelings, it works for me. The downside is that I am not massively close to any one particular person, but I am fine with this. I have a lot of platonic friends of both sexes, although I find it difficult to be platonic with females, I don't know why but eventually I end up wanting to tear their clothes off and have passionate sex with them on the kitchen floor ( or something similar).
Everyone is different. Be careful with any initial encounters. Gay men can generate strong feelings for their sexual partners, so respect that and be nice. What could be some decent sex for you could well be a lot more emotional for them, try not to forget that. Don't let them manipulate you either, the argument that someone is either gay or straight is garbage, but a lot of gay men are not bi-sexual, some will be less understanding of your sexuality than others.
Most importantly , if you are going to explore these feelings please please please try to enjoy yourself. Sex is a great form of expression, don't deny that to yourself. You don't have to feel guilty or sad about having some sex, congratulate yourself for enjoying one of life's pleasures.0 -
It sounds like you could be in a tight spot mentally over this. Don't beat yourself up over it. Having sexual urges for someone else are extremely normal.
Have you started exploring any of your urges or feelings? I say this as someone with a high libido. What are you experiencing? Are you fantasising or have you actually started to crush a male friend you know?
There is no crime in day-dreaming sexually... at all. I do it all the time. It is how you carry out these fantasies that matter, particularly if they are not including your wife sexually. Thread carefully, especially with your wife's feelings. It may just be an itch you need to scratch, you could tip your toe in the water and find out it is far too cold for your liking, or …. you could be missing out on some really good sex, either way do not deprive yourself. This is your life.
My best advice is to experiment behind your wife's back. I know that sounds sinister but it will give you the opportunity to not hurt her feelings. That is important. If you find you want to progress further with this sexuality you will need to consider ending your marriage. I find with my own sexuality that it is better to not waste anyone's time, I have a few loose relationships with both sexes, it works for me and I am not wasting anyone's time or emotions. I am not married and I am not hurting anyone's feelings, it works for me. The downside is that I am not massively close to any one particular person, but I am fine with this. I have a lot of platonic friends of both sexes, although I find it difficult to be platonic with females, I don't know why but eventually I end up wanting to tear their clothes off and have passionate sex with them on the kitchen floor ( or something similar).
Everyone is different. Be careful with any initial encounters. Gay men can generate strong feelings for their sexual partners, so respect that and be nice. What could be some decent sex for you could well be a lot more emotional for them, try not to forget that. Don't let them manipulate you either, the argument that someone is either gay or straight is garbage, but a lot of gay men are not bi-sexual, some will be less understanding of your sexuality than others.
Most importantly , if you are going to explore these feelings please please please try to enjoy yourself. Sex is a great form of expression, don't deny that to yourself. You don't have to feel guilty or sad about having some sex, congratulate yourself for enjoying one of life's pleasures.
Thanks for your reply, i really appreciate it.
To answer your first question, its both, i constantly fantisise about sex with men, some days its all i think about, i have also developed crushes along the way too, and the latest one is quite strong, i dont know the person well at all but have become friendly and hugely attracted to him and he is what i fantisise about most of the time.
I would say myself and my wife have a good sex life, we have regular sex, maybe 3 times a week, at different times i would fantisise during it about men, lately that has become a bit more, over the last month i have noticed that at times im more happy when we finish than during it. My worry is that although i find sex good with my wife, my mind wonders if i was with a man would i enjoy it more, would i find it mindblowing etc.....
Saying all this, i do find women hugely attractive, if i saw a pretty woman on the street i would find her attractive, while that does not happen with men as much, rarely would i look at a man and saw wow hes hot, but if i get to know them i would develop a crush then and sexually thats what i would think about.
Long story short,at the moment in my head i am bisexual who finds women more attractive but would prefer to be having sex with a man.
I have never cheated on my wife and im not sure i would be able to, i think the guilt would eat me up, also the fear of her finding out would be tough.
Sorry now i probably sound a bit mad but thats where i am at the moment0 -
tommymoate wrote: »Thanks for your reply, i really appreciate it.
To answer your first question, its both, i constantly fantisise about sex with men, some days its all i think about, i have also developed crushes along the way too, and the latest one is quite strong, i dont know the person well at all but have become friendly and hugely attracted to him and he is what i fantisise about most of the time.
I would say myself and my wife have a good sex life, we have regular sex, maybe 3 times a week, at different times i would fantisise during it about men, lately that has become a bit more, over the last month i have noticed that at times im more happy when we finish than during it. My worry is that although i find sex good with my wife, my mind wonders if i was with a man would i enjoy it more, would i find it mindblowing etc.....
Saying all this, i do find women hugely attractive, if i saw a pretty woman on the street i would find her attractive, while that does not happen with men as much, rarely would i look at a man and saw wow hes hot, but if i get to know them i would develop a crush then and sexually thats what i would think about.
Long story short,at the moment in my head i am bisexual who finds women more attractive but would prefer to be having sex with a man.
I have never cheated on my wife and im not sure i would be able to, i think the guilt would eat me up, also the fear of her finding out would be tough.
Sorry now i probably sound a bit mad but thats where i am at the moment
I find sex with men can be very different to sex with women, for many reasons. You need to explore this for your own sanity.
Stop feeling guilty about your desires, they are normal. As I said, dip your toes and see what happens. I respect that you might feel guilty about your wife, but don't beat yourself up over it. I won't or can't lecture you over the perils of infidelity, I am not married, but the way I see it what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Although given the prolificity of your married sex life your wife might smell a rat if you are not performing your espousal duties:). Be cautious.
Don't live your life in guilt or fear. Take responsibility for what you are doing and either do it or don't. But don't waste anyone's time either, including your wife's.0 -
IAMAMORON wrote:I find sex with men can be very different to sex with women, for many reasons. You need to explore this for your own sanity.IAMAMORON wrote:Stop feeling guilty about your desires, they are normal. As I said, dip your toes and see what happens. I respect that you might feel guilty about your wife, but don't beat yourself up over it. I won't or can't lecture you over the perils of infidelity, I am not married, but the way I see it what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Although given the prolificity of your married sex life your wife might smell a rat if you are not performing your espousal duties . Be cautious.
I cannot disagree with this more.
Absolutely horrible advice and incredibly selfish attitude to promote.
If you are planning on cheating on your wife, break up with her.
If you had any respect for her or cared about her in any way, it's the very very least you can do.0 -
Ironicname wrote: »I cannot disagree with this more.
Absolutely horrible advice and incredibly selfish attitude to promote.
If you are planning on cheating on your wife, break up with her.
If you had any respect for her or cared about her in any way, it's the very very least you can do.
I agree with you. You are technically correct, infidelity is wrong. I did allude to this also when giving my advices.
In this particular instance we are discussing a life changing experience based on fantasies and emotions the poster is having. My attitude is why spoil a marriage over an urge? It could well be that the poster discovers he is not that into it when he starts, why destroy a marriage at that point? I did indicate that if the poster was to pursue an extra relationship he would need to consider properly ending his marriage, if you read my post thoroughly you would see that.
On the contrary my attitude is that by being deviant and going behind her back you are in fact protecting her feelings and caring for her simultaneously. It is damage limitation, sinister yes, but in my opinion a necessary evil. Why destroy an entire marriage over a couple of sexual encounters?0 -
IAMAMORON wrote:On the contrary my attitude is that by being deviant and going behind her back you are in fact protecting her feelings and caring for her simultaneously. It is damage limitation, sinister yes, but in my opinion a necessary evil. Why destroy an entire marriage over a couple of sexual encounters?
Because a marriage is based on trust. Having sex with another person is a huge betrayal and incredibly selfish. There is no "need" that negates that.0 -
Ironicname wrote: »Because a marriage is based on trust. Having sex with another person is a huge betrayal and incredibly selfish. There is no "need" that negates that.
I understand your sentiment. I don't necessarily believe it however. I have an open mind around marriage, especially sexually. I think you can still be faithful and truthful to a spouse while still having a minor fling with someone, as long as it is minor. As I said if things develop and get serious the situation changes.0 -
IAMAMORON wrote:I understand your sentiment. I don't necessarily believe it however. I have an open mind around marriage, especially sexually. I think you can still be faithful and truthful to a spouse while still having a minor fling with someone, as long as it is minor. As I said if things develop and get serious the situation changes.
No. No you can't. There is nothing truthful or faithful about sleeping with someone behind your partner's back.0 -
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Ironicname wrote: »No. No you can't. There is nothing truthful or faithful about sleeping with someone behind your partner's back.
I agree. But that is not really what is being discussed on this thread. I am well aware of the common sanctities of marriage. But this conversation is about gay people who are married and about how they address that matter.
Would you be willing to threaten the livelihood of your children and your wife's happiness to enable you to have a clear conscience over one or two sexual indiscretions? Think of all the money you would waste on solicitor's fees and all the hurt you could cause your wife and kids just by blabbing one aspect of your life to her? Madness, no matter how fickle or unscrupulous it might make you feel.
The thing about matrimony is that it is the members of that partnership who get to decide their own norms and rules. Can you accept that?0 -
The thing about matrimony is that it is the members of that partnership who get to decide their own norms and rules. Can you accept that?
Both parties get to decide jointly on matters of sex and faithfulness
It is in the original contract e.g.
Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and
forsaking all others,
be faithful only to her,
for as long as you both shall live? "
The OP can decide what they want to do for themselves but need to understand they are breaking their marriage by having an affair
While it may never be discovered by their partner their actions and choices will have real consequences on their current relationship0 -
IAMAMORON wrote:The thing about matrimony is that it is the members of that partnership who get to decide their own norms and rules. Can you accept that?
Absolutely. If his wife was alright with him going off ****ing men, then have at it. The fact that you recommend that he does it behind her back to scratch his sexual itch is the bit I don't accept.0 -
If the OP intends to explore his bisexual feelings then he should come clean to his wife. His wife may be ok with this, but, I would imagine this would mean the end of the marriage.
If he plans to remain faithful to his wife, then I don't really see the point in telling his wife as it could lead to his marriage ending.
Most people who are married are attracted to other people and most don't act on it and don't admit their attraction to their spouse as it would cause unnecessary stress in the marriage.
The issue here is about whether the OP decides to remain faithful to his wife. Whether he is bisexual or not really doesn't come into it.
Just out of interest would the OP tell his wife if he was fantasising about other women or contemplating having sex with other women? It's not much different really.0 -
Straight, gay or bisexual, if you’re married you’ve agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.
Being attracted to other people is human nature and everyone is in the same boat on that regardless of sexual orientation or gender, but you just can’t act on that within a marriage. That’s the whole point of marriages.
I fully appreciate you’re trying to figure out your sexuality but, don’t do this behind your wife’s back. It’s completely unfair on her both emotionally and also you would also be introducing health risks she would not be aware of if she’s assuming that she’s in a monogamous relationship.
I’m going to be a little moralising here but being with another man or another woman is problematic in exactly the same way. Being bi isn’t the issue. Cheating on your spouse would be.
Also plenty of bi men and bi women are in committed marriages to women or men and it does mean making a decision to be with just that person for the rest of your life or unless you get divorced. That’s just marriage.
I don’t know how telling your wife you’re bi would go. I’ve been in straight relationships as an openly bi man and I’m committed to them. It’s exactly the same if I’m in a gay relationship with another guy. I would be committed to him and the fact I’m bi would be irrelevant in either case.
So all I’m saying is I fully understand that you’re trying to figure something out about your sexuality in retrospect but, you’re also married so if you are going to be with someone else, you’re going to have to be upfront about that and it very likely would mean a the end of a marriage.
Also on the other side of it, people get divorced. That’s also not the end of the world nor is it something shameful or terrible. Life happens. However just do not go behind your spouse’s back be they female or male - it’s infidelity.
My advice is go talk to an LGBT support service. The Gay Switchboard, for example, may be able to point you in the right direction. It is important that you talk to someone and at least discuss what’s going on. Bottling up emotions isn’t good either.
https://gcn.ie/listing/gay-switchboard-ireland/0 -
Straight, gay or bisexual, if you’re married you’ve agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with someone.
Being attracted to other people is human nature and everyone is in the same boat on that regardless of sexual orientation or gender, but you just can’t act on that within a marriage. That’s the whole point of marriages.
I fully appreciate you’re trying to figure out your sexuality but, don’t do this behind your wife’s back. It’s completely unfair on her both emotionally and also you would also be introducing health risks she would not be aware of if she’s assuming that she’s in a monogamous relationship.
I’m going to be a little moralising here but being with another man or another woman is problematic in exactly the same way. Being bi isn’t the issue. Cheating on your spouse would be.
Also plenty of bi men and bi women are in committed marriages to women or men and it does mean making a decision to be with just that person for the rest of your life or unless you get divorced. That’s just marriage.
I don’t know how telling your wife you’re bi would go. I’ve been in straight relationships as an openly bi man and I’m committed to them. It’s exactly the same if I’m in a gay relationship with another guy. I would be committed to him and the fact I’m bi would be irrelevant in either case.
So all I’m saying is I fully understand that you’re trying to figure something out about your sexuality in retrospect but, you’re also married so if you are going to be with someone else, you’re going to have to be upfront about that and it very likely would mean a the end of a marriage.
Also on the other side of it, people get divorced. That’s also not the end of the world nor is it something shameful or terrible. Life happens. However just do not go behind your spouse’s back be they female or male - it’s infidelity.
My advice is go talk to an LGBT support service. The Gay Switchboard, for example, may be able to point you in the right direction. It is important that you talk to someone and at least discuss what’s going on. Bottling up emotions isn’t good either.
https://gcn.ie/listing/gay-switchboard-ireland/
Agree with the above, that's exactly what I was trying to say, you just put it better. Long story short if you're in a marriage (straight or gay) you should be faithful to your partner it doesn't matter what your sexual orientation is.0 -
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Hi All, thanks for all the replies, just to be clear, i never said i was going to be unfaithful at all, it was another poster who was suggesting this.
I think you are both right in the fact that telling her i am bi will only lead to problems and trust issues im sure so maybe i just need to stay quiet and figure things out myself.
I knew i was bi when i got married so i made the decision knowing that i was commiting to one person and i dont have a problem with that at all, all i was really saying was the last 12 months or so have seen my feelings change alot so i really need to sit down and really decide if i want to stay as things are or if i want to end the marraige and explore my bi side.0 -
I think you are right to take time to decide if you want to continue with your marriage or explore your bi side. It's a massive decision whatever you decide.
Just may sure not to string anyone along. I wish you all the best in wherever you decide and hope everything works out for all involved.0 -
I have been married and am the father of two children . My wife left the marriage after 11 years. At the time I was struggling with my sexuality . For me the children came first and was prepared to continue in the marriage for the children's sake.
I did not come out at the time.
The children stayed at home with me for the most part. As time went on I found the courage to come out to myself firstly and eventually to a few friends.
The biggest fear I had was what would my children say when they discovered that their father is gay.
I came out as they approached their early twenties.
I got 2 reactions.... one was... What was it that took you so long to come out . And ... that is the way you are and that is how it is. As far as they are concerned I'm their father and my being gay doesn't change anything for them.
I feel very privaliged to be their father.
If we had the more accepting society that we have today when i was a much younger person I would not have entered into
a hetero marriage which i did out of absolute loneliness and societal conditioning.
I have learned do not judge lest you be judged.-1 -
Anyone want an update to this :-)
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Yes, what did you decide to do ?
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Yes please! Judging by the smiley face at the end I'm assuming (and hoping) there was some kind of positive outcome.
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So i decided not to tell her and took time to see exactly what i wanted. As i had previously mentioned in one of my posts, back at the time i had developed a crush that had become quite strong, and i think that was why i was thinking of telling her i was bi but as time passed the crush and feelings only got stronger. We had only chatted and flirted a little, but he would be fairly confident and a bit of a player so i was sure the crush was only one way and he liked the attention he was getting from me. I thought nothing more of this until one evening he told me that he had feelings for me, i told him nothing would happen while i was married and i was weary of his rep, but after some deep thinking i decided i couldn't hide from my feelings and told my wife everything, to say she was shocked was an understatement but we parted on ok terms. When i started seeing this guy, i realised my attraction to women was not as strong as i thought and i made the decision to come out as gay. I am now two years with the same guy and couldn't be happier, it was definitely the life i was meant to live, it hasn't been easy with the aftermath of the marriage break-up but i would do it again, i think it just took the right person to show me who the real me was. My ex is currently in a relationship so she is happy now, the break up did cause her some embarrassment and she did get angry with me for a period but she understood over time and we are on good terms now.
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I'm sure it was difficult to tell your wife knowing that your marriage was effectively over. You did the right thing by telling her before you moved on, no point going behind her back and stringing her along. It looks like things have worked out OK for all concerned which is the main thing.
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That's amazing, I'm so happy for you, and that your ex-wife is happy in a new relationship also. I'm sure it absolutely was a shock to her, but it's great that you parted on ok terms and it wasn't all drama, anger and resentment (although of course a bit of that is totally normal and understandable).
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I have a friend who if men in a hetero marriage sleep with him, usually go home, come clean with the wife and get divorced. Relationships with 3 married guys over 30 years and each after some good time and talk separated and divorced within a year of becoming involved with him.
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