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Cut family member from my life, am I being unreasonable?

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  • 21-06-2018 11:33pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This will be the first time I written some of this down or told anyone so please bear with me.
    There has been abuse allegations between 2 family members M & F. I believe F, I have some weird and upsetting memories of M as a child, one in particular that I’ve had reaccurring nightmares about for years and led me to telling my mother at 6 or 7 that he made me feel uncomfortable. I think I’ve blocked a lot of that time out. I’ve only sketchy memories and overwhelming feelings of fear and dread of being alone with him. M is married and his wife is now pregnant, I have actively avoided him over the past few years but now my Mother is pushing me to interact with him more, saying I’m being unreasonable and that I should be there for his new child and involved in it’s life growing up. I feel I can’t be in the child’s life without interacting with him, which I don’t feel comfortable with. But anytime I say this I’m told I’m wrong and totally unreasonable and punishing the child. I’m just looking for an outside perspective as to whether I am being unreasonable and bad minded


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    #2
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    That's a common mammy thing to want everyone of her kids to get along and try to force you into it.

    Don't if you don't want to. I know that sounds simplistic but it really is that simple. Sometimes we just don't click with our siblings even as adults and I can't think of any family that didn't have fallouts of some sort between adult siblings at some point.

    I don't see how you are punishing a child. So you'll be a distant auntie that they don't know very well - they aren't going to be scarred by this growing up! I had aunties and uncles I never met. Your mum is using emotional manipulation on you to maintain the status quo and that's not fair. Unfortunately you will likely be the one squeezed out if you don't comply, so you may find that you have to distance yourself from a big part of the family or family get togethers if you want to avoid M.

    M is responsible for his actions alone. Any fallout from that - any family rift, is a consequence of that.


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    #3
    ahnow
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    Hi OP,

    Put yourself first for this situation. You’re hardly punishing the child, sure if you’re not in their life and you’re not their mother or father they wont miss you. If he’s an abuser I’d be quite unapologetic about cutting off from him. Your mother feels the way she feels, but that can never negate the way you feel about him, belittling and minimising your feelings on the matter are ridiculous, and when you think about it-impossible. How can somebody tell you that the way you feel is wrong?!
    So trust your gut, if you have unsettling memories about him, if you’ve blocked things out and feel deeply uncomfortable around him no one should tell you otherwise, and you should not doubt yourself nor feel bad about it. You’re well within your rights to stay away. I’ve read that you told your mother when you were 6 or 7 that he made you uncomfortable. Did she dismiss you then and choose not to protect you from him? It sounds like she is in deep denial.

    Does your mother know about the abuse allegations now? Would the child be at risk?


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    #4
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Is he your brother? If not then I really don’t see what obligation you have to the child.

    Tell your mother that you believe F, and you have no intention of being around M if you can possibly help it.


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    #5
    Carrie50
    Closed Accounts Posts: 40 ✭Carrie50


    Its easier said than done,I have a very controlling mother,the guilt and manipulation is unbelievable from a mother..I struggle even as a OLDER woman to understand her constant need to control me,and because I seem to need her acceptance I hang in there letting her use me like a puppet on a string,,I always thought she had my best interests at heart but realised lately its always about HER..what she wants..she would actually put me in danger if it mean getting what she wants..she has NEVER protected me..stood up for me..if ur mum really had ur best interests at heart she wuld never expect u to put urself where u feel uncomfortable,u culdnt protect urself at 6 or 7...but u can NOW..u must because noone else will..ur mum has totally disregarded ur feelings(i know what thats like) and is only thinking of herself..its soo hard when its ur mum u think they always know best...but they DONT...please take care of YOURSELF..


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I thought I’d update this thread, eventually I resorted to stonewalling my mother and refusing to engage with her regarding M’s new child she eventually got the message and stopped mentioning him, which was a relief. However now that the baby has arrived and it’s back to square one whereby in her eyes I’m punishing the innocent child by not wanting to be involved in its life, she can’t seem to comprehend that I do not want M in my life and therefore I cannot be involved in his child’s life. I simply cannot bear the thought of being in his company. I just feel a sense of dread and stress just waiting for these arguments to kick off (just to clarify M is not my brother)


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    #7
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Is M your father?

    If M is not a sibling or a parent why would they need to be in your life at all?

    You are completely justified in having your feelings. Why should you sacrifice your feelings for a child you have no connection to?

    Do you think the child is at risk?


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    #8
    Terrlock
    Registered Users Posts: 686 ✭✭✭Terrlock


    Your mother sounds like a bit of a narcissist and likes to control you.

    Just give her a very strong and determined no.

    Don't let her guilt trip you and Tell her to stop trying to manipulate you.

    You are not punishing anyone.


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    #9
    Pelvis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,758 ✭✭✭Pelvis


    December2012 wrote: »
    Do you think the child is at risk?

    This is the only important question right now.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you all for your replies, no M is not my father. I hope and pray that the child is not in danger, M’s wife is aware of the allegations as is her mother who lives with them, so I hope they will be vigilant


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    #11
    sReq | uTeK
    Registered Users Posts: 5,999 ✭✭✭sReq | uTeK


    Say No.....and that's that your sanity and well being is your number one priority. If you and another F have both memories of M being untoward then I would be bringing these allegations to the proper authorities so long as there is relevant evidence to backup your claims.

    There is a child to be considered here and from the sounds of things it was at a young age that these memories are from.


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    #12
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users Posts: 7,547 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    OP, I had to do something similar. After an incident with my father (different situation to yours, for the record), that was indirectly caused by my stepmother (who is a twisted, manipulative woman), I had to cut both of them out of my life. In doing so, I lost my two sisters who were 2/3 at the time and I was very close to. It hurt a lot, and it still does, especially when my stepmother tried to use them to emotionally blackmail me back into talking to my father. However, the incident was too serious to forgive them for, and was just the last big thing in a long line of little things. I had to think of myself and my other brother. People kept asking me why I didn't make an effort with the sisters and leave out the parents, but that's just not possible with children, particularly when you are the one doing the avoiding.



    It's a difficult situation OP, but stick to your guns. You don't owe M, or your mother anything. You don't even know the child, and the child doesn't know you. You are not punishing it.


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