How do you maintain a positive mental attitude?

TheBiz · 23-10-2018 2:42am #1

I struggle with this, I'm just naturally pessimistic, enough to annoy my aunties and uncles - 'oh how do you function!? The glass might be half empty but it doesn't mean the rest is full of cynanide!'
She also believes in angels and all that so we'll never be on the same level.

But I've also been dealing with chronic worsening headaches, even prescription painkillers don't really help - I'm only 21, but I'm still getting it checked out regardless.
A lot of that could be down to stress and just general lifestyle, diet and what not.
I don't work out, I don't eat well - if I didn't have this metabolism I'd be stupendously overweight.

I just know that things need to change and I want to start making changes before my choices start to have a lasting affect on me.

How do you do it?
Any advice?

pogsick · 23-10-2018 3:02am

I just accept everything as it is. If it’s out of my control no use in worrying about it. I used to get blinding migraines every 3-4 weeks before due to stress, haven’t gotten one in about 6 years now and I have what most people would consider a high stress job.

endacl · 23-10-2018 3:04am

I just do. Life is good, and when it's done, it's done. No point in misery.

NIMAN · 23-10-2018 7:31am

She believes in angels?

Well what can you really say about that? People like her might have a positive attitude but if its based on such nonsense then it hasn't got much substance imho. But if she's happy then its more power to her.

You are very young, you have all your life in front of you. The world is a great place, amazing in fact. Try to just enjoy the wonders of it all. You'll have cr@p moments of course, we all do, but if you can't change something then don't worry about it.

I remember once hearing a stat, which means its probably false, that 90% of things that people worry about never actually come to pass, so there is no point worrying about them in the first place. My logic would be, "can I fix this or change something that will help?". If the answer if yes, then do it. If the answer is no, then forget about it.

As for your health, do try to look after yourself. You won't always have your metabolism. At 21 you really should be trying to get some exercise regularly. And eat healthier. Your migraines may be related to your diet? Too much sugar? Your body might be struggling under all the junk, despite you not putting on weight. It needs decent fuel being put into it.

And it is proven that exercise helps with feeling positive. It releases chemicals that make you feel better. Sitting at home, watching TV or gaming or whatever you do, eating junk and not exercising will eventually have an affect on you. May be years away but it will.

peteb2 · 23-10-2018 7:54am

Music and running!

speedboatchase · 23-10-2018 10:46am

TheBiz wrote: »

I struggle with this, I'm just naturally pessimistic, enough to annoy my aunties and uncles - 'oh how do you function!? The glass might be half empty but it doesn't mean the rest is full of cynanide!'
She also believes in angels and all that so we'll never be on the same level.

But I've also been dealing with chronic worsening headaches, even prescription painkillers don't really help - I'm only 21, but I'm still getting it checked out regardless.
A lot of that could be down to stress and just general lifestyle, diet and what not.
I don't work out, I don't eat well - if I didn't have this metabolism I'd be stupendously overweight.

I just know that things need to change and I want to start making changes before my choices start to have a lasting affect on me.

How do you do it?
Any advice?

I was the same as you but when I hit my late-20s, I found that my normal lifestyle was beginning to make me 'skinny fat'. My frame was the same but I was definitely developing love handles. I started making small changes to my diet - no more soft drinks, swapping brown bread for white bread, etc. A few years later I'm very strict with my diet and do HIIT exercise 4 times a week - I've never felt better. So my advice would be to start making the little changes as early as you can because when you're my age (33), your metabolism is unforgiving. But once you get a handle on your diet and start seeing results, you'll feel more in control of not just your body but your whole lifestyle and decisions.

23-10-2018 2:24pm

TheBiz wrote: »

I struggle with this, I'm just naturally pessimistic, enough to annoy my aunties and uncles - 'oh how do you function!? The glass might be half empty but it doesn't mean the rest is full of cynanide!'

For me the glass is never half full or half empty. Rather the glass you selected had unrealistic expectations about what you had to fill it. Pouring a shot of whisky into a Guinness pint glass rarely looks good.

I have a few means by which I maintain my positivity. However I have not had an ongoing medical issue holding me back. If I did - then who knows if my approaches would work or not. So certainly in your position I would work very much on the headaches and the medical issues you might have first. Or if not "first" - as who knows how long you might put everything else off if you only do it first - at least a heavy focus in parallel to anything else you do!

I was a massively lazy lay about nothing when I was around your age though. Headaches were not uncommon though probably not to your level. Tiredness was almost permanent however. Depression high. Motivation was non-existent. Never reached the level of being actively suicidal - but I went to sleep most nights literally trying to will myself to "give up" and die in my sleep.

The worst part was that for me I was surrounded in people who had what I wanted in life - and I never felt I could get it. So one brother walked out of Trinity College on his last day and got a great job and was on a 6 figure salary after 5 years. The other brother had the hottest wife you could imagine. Some friends were incredibly fit and healthy and winning sporting trophies. Others had interesting stories and lives and anecdotes to share. Others could dance insanely well. Others had exciting or stimulating jobs sometimes traveling the world. And I could not get any of that or be as great as them at any of it.

So I guess -

TheBiz wrote: »

How do you do it?
Any advice?

- what worked for me might fail for you. Nothing works for everyone every time! But I can tell you it in "short" all the same.

The first thing I did was shift my locus of evaluation to being internal not external. In plain English what that meant was that I entirely stopped judging myself by the successes of others. Rather I made it my mission each day to be a _little_ better than one person and one person only. The me from yesterday. It did not matter how tiny that improvement was - but there had to be something in each day. Physical. Mental. Spiritual. Or whatever. Just _something_ where I could go to bed at night and think "Yea I kick yesterday me's ass!".
I formed what I called the "incremental method" of self improvement. Which is that rather than trying to make a massive change to my life - which invariably failed me in the past - I made tiny improvements. Some so tiny that at the beginning they were almost laughable and embarrassing. For example some people get up and start trying to run for an hour every day. Never worked for me. So instead I got up one day and said "I will do a minute running today". I was literally longer putting on the running clothes than I was running. 30 seconds down the road and 30 back again. Barely got out of the house! But on day 2 I did 2 minutes. Day 3 3. And so on and a couple months later I was running an hour a day. The incremental approach was good for me - and probably therefore for you - because I was powerfully pessimistic too. And setting goals you can not reach is the fuel for the fires of pessimism. It makes the little voice inside say "See? I told you were a useless **** - and here you are proving it!". So tiny goals that might even seem silly on day 1 - at least you reach them! And each time you do you beat back pessimism and laugh in it's face saying "See? I set a goal and I met it! So screw you!".
I turned chores into hobbies. For example you say your diet is awful? So was mine. In college I would go and buy 7 frozen pizzas and that would be my food for the week. A pizza a day and nothing else. Cooking and eating was a chore. A thing I had to do on the way to something (I thought) wanted to do more (usually gaming or porn or crap television). So I changed that. I made it a hobby. Rather than getting it over with as quick as a I could I set aside time for it and made myself do it slowly. Really taking time over each step. Enjoying it. And these days cooking is one of the sources of joy in my life. I love it - as do the people I now cook for.
Similarly I try to do that "slow down and just enjoy it" thing whenever I can. Especially if I notice I am rushing through some perceived unpleasantness for no actual reason. For example - random but just cause it is recent - in a big rain recently I was rushing home on foot. I had no particular place to be or anything to do I was only rushing because it was raining. So I stopped and slowed it down. Walked home and actually focused on the sensation and experience of just being rained on. And I realised I did not hate it. I quite liked it. I was just conditioned for decades to think it was something to get out of as quick as you can. And I walked home slowly just enjoying the moment and looking forward to the warm shower and change of clothes after it. I try to do that where I can in life - where a moment can be experienced rather than rushed through.
Hobbies have been a big thing for me. I threw myself into DIY - running - combat training (BJJ mostly with some bo staff and akido) - dance forms, usually martial arts forms of dance like capoeira - cooking - meditation - learning. And weaponized go kart racing. Some things I picked because I liked them - like cooking and go karts. Others because they were things I felt would make me feel better in life if I was better at them - like dancing. I used to _dread_ weddings for example because I sucked at dancing and hated the idea of that part of the night where I would sit alone resisting peoples attempts to drag me up there. Nowadays I tend to have circles formed to watch me at it.
Read about things like CBT and Transactional Analysis (TA). They might not help you directly or give you solutions. But what they might do for you - as they did for me - is make you notice things about your actions and decisions and thought processes and narratives that you did not see before. You suddenly read about a kind of neurosis or narrative that something like TA purports to work on and you think "Hang on yea - I do do that! That is so me!" and once you identify it you suddenly find yourself able to combat it. For example CBT makes you take an evidence based approach to questioning your feelings and thoughts on some things - like your pessimism - in a way that shines a light into the shadow and makes the shadows disappear.

Summary therefore - I just identified generally where I wanted to be - health wise, physically, food wise, skills wise, mentally - then identified a slow incremental path to getting there - then set tiny very attainable goals over a period of a few years to get me there. And eventually I did.

NIMAN · 23-10-2018 6:00pm

Limit your smartphone use!

23-10-2018 6:08pm

TheBiz wrote: »

.....

But I've also been dealing with chronic worsening headaches, even prescription painkillers don't really help - I'm only 21.....

I just know that things need to change and I want to start making changes before my choices start to have a lasting affect on me.

How do you do it?
Any advice?

OK

Life can be tough even when all is going well

Being 21 may not suit you either... I grew into life.... I'm 38 now and I've never been happier. That accepted I still have my bad days.

You've mentioned two things that you can change... not eating well and not working out. Work on one of them if not both. Cooking & meal prep is a lifeskill that can also be a hobby..... so too is working out.

Taking control of parts if your life you're less than happy with can be empowering and motivating

Identifying issues you're not happy with is a very very very good start so well done on that

23-10-2018 6:11pm

I remind myself daily that life is too short to allow small and trivial matters weigh me down.

TheBiz · 24-10-2018 12:38am

That's all great but tell me more about this wife?...

Thank you, there's a lot of great advice on this thread, generally seeing how people do it and what has changed really helps.
1 - I know I'm not alone and 2 - Others have already gotten to where I want to be, some from worse positions than myself, so there's no reason I can't.

I get what you're saying about the casual suicide thing.. I've never been that bad but I've wrote on forums 'sure what's the point, if it's good - great, if not why not just leave early', that flippant ideation.

I think a large issue for me is I have such high expectations for myself.. I don't necessarily see them as stupid or too high but it leaves me with a mountain instead of a hill to climb.
I start learning how to cook, I'm looking into fine dining, I want to start with a Gordon Ramsay recipe and not just a stir in sauce.
Even on a more impactful level with whatever it is I do for a living I have no intention of it just being a way to afford my lifestyle, I'm aiming for the top... Plasterer? I'd intend on following in the Comers footsteps.
So happiness is much more goal orientated, I never settle if I start playing golf I'm down there 7 days a week trying to drop my handicap from 18 to scratch in a year.
It leaves me a lot of room for failure - more room for failure than for success.. if I just measured it by how happy I was, or how much I enjoyed it I could be happy a lot quicker but my minds buzzing nonstop and so I'm either all in or I've cut ties.

Knex* · 25-10-2018 10:20am

Allow yourself to enjoy things. Celebrate the moments.

I greeted most things with total ambivalence for a while. Nothing got me excited, nothing really got me majorly down. Everything was just flat-line and grey. It was all a bit... bleak.

I think part of it was not having the internal confidence to build things up, put yourself out there by putting things on a pedestal for show, and also criticism. A lot of my group were like that, with a dry cutting sense of humour and I think we all fell foul of curbing our enthusiasm and the things that made us a bit mad or daft for fear of social commentary. Displaying excitement in a room, especially of young lads, is absolutely making yourself vulnerable.

And oddly, I think part of it was a bit of an ego thing. I was perhaps conditioned to believe that it was uncool or unintelligent to be visibly excited or happy and putting yourself out there. I wanted to be perceived as being cool and/or smart, and I mitigated risk and curtailed my actions in light of this.

But I found once I started not caring and actively pushing people to express a bit more, then the whole group started following suit. Now we're much more open with each other, we strive to celebrate, congratulate and display enthusiasm for all activities and endeavors in each other's lives, and honestly it has made a massive difference.

The joy you can feel for your friends and families achievements is not to be underestimated, and that environment is nurturing and inspiring. We're all in this together, and we're all developing each and every day.

I think taxAH touched on it with his incremental progression concept, but its all a habit. Your thought processes, your actions, your reactionary process to success and failure, its all a shape-able habit. You just have to start giving yourself good habits. The difference to where I am now than where I was 3 years ago I would say is massive, and that's the same for most if not all of a group of around 20 people.

I would say that I've always being a natural cynic, but you have to challenge those thoughts. Yeah, it can be healthy to play devils advocate and not run off with a blue sky mindset for all things, but there's a time and a place for that. It can't be your default mode, as honestly, you have to live a little and enjoy stuff too.

I heard this analogy once that always stuck with me. Your mental health and thought patterns are a bit like a skiing slope. Imagine a mountain that is covered completely in snow, untouched, no visible tracks. As you go through life, you develop thought patterns akin to skiing trails. These can be positive or negative, but by habit and for sake of ease, you will return to the same tracks, the take the same path down the mountain.

Tackling these thoughts through your own internal reflection, CBT, mindfulness or however else, allows you to apply fresh snow to the mountain. Forces you to stop at the top and potentially seek another way down.

This can't be done overnight, your mental health is as much of a task as scaling that mountain, and we all have a different skillset to do so. Some are better than others, but you can work on it. You just need to do so everyday, consciously, until it becomes a subconscious effort.

Bit of a brain dump here, so my apologies, but hopefully there's something of assistance.

Also, TB, you posted at 00:38. A post that in its nature is internally critical and one that I've no doubt you ruminated over for a large time after. What time did you get to sleep, and in what mindset?

I suffered from this massively before, and still have times when I do, but you're not going to wake up in a good mindset if you've been up til 1 or 2am beating yourself up the night before.

mnolan · 08-01-2019 9:06am

An exercise that works for me is to keep a 'Gratitude Journal' e.g. in a smartphone. At the end of each day I simply write down the 3 most positive things that happened to me. On a sh*te day it might be 'It didn't rain'. It's clinically proven, surprisingly effective. Sends you to sleep on a more positive note 😉

ancapailldorcha · 08-01-2019 11:12am

mnolan wrote: »

An exercise that works for me is to keep a 'Gratitude Journal' e.g. in a smartphone. At the end of each day I simply write down the 3 most positive things that happened to me. On a sh*te day it might be 'It didn't rain'. It's clinically proven, surprisingly effective. Sends you to sleep on a more positive note 😉

I never went that far but I've a housemate who is one of the most negative people I've ever met. I've since decided to try and be more positive. Being grateful for small things is really helpful in this regard.

Patsy167 · 09-01-2019 4:03pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I felt would make me feel better in life if I was better at them - like dancing. I used to _dread_ weddings for example because I sucked at dancing and hated the idea of that part of the night where I would sit alone resisting peoples attempts to drag me up there. Nowadays I tend to have circles formed to watch me at it.

Stumbled across the above by chance. I have been meaning to take up dance classes. Can I ask if you have any recommendations for classes that you took part in (Companies used etc.)?

09-01-2019 4:11pm

Well as I said the majority of what I learned was martial arts dance forms like Capoeira. Great for putting on a show - and getting a crowd to watch you - but not the best thing in the world for just general dancing.

As for recommendations - just play around with what is local. Motivation and getting into a routine is the hardest part of learning anything new like that. So the best dance class is no good to you if it is on the opposite side of your city. Go local - many classes in dance and martial arts let you come once or twice free just to watch too - find people you enjoy being around and get on with - and the rest takes care of itself. Being motivated and getting on with the people is worth much more than the best teachers sometimes.

jim o doom · 09-01-2019 4:16pm

My personal outlook is a mix, I'd say I'm a cynical optimist, I expect the worst but hope for the best. That way I'm never disappointed.

Try a change in diet, maybe take up a sport based hobby. I do marital arts to that end myself, a decent bit of cycling.

Of course sometimes the negative outlook takes over and I can't motivate myself to do these things as regularly as I should, but the important thing is to start it, and even if you stop for a while.. return to it.

A mental health specialist could help, it's not a route that's worked for me personally, but it's worth a try.

I drink a fair bit a the weekends too, but that's an extremely unhealthy suggestion, so don't take it as such.

Airyfairy12 · 26-01-2019 5:13am

TheBiz wrote: »

I struggle with this, I'm just naturally pessimistic, enough to annoy my aunties and uncles - 'oh how do you function!? The glass might be half empty but it doesn't mean the rest is full of cynanide!'
She also believes in angels and all that so we'll never be on the same level.

But I've also been dealing with chronic worsening headaches, even prescription painkillers don't really help - I'm only 21, but I'm still getting it checked out regardless.
A lot of that could be down to stress and just general lifestyle, diet and what not.
I don't work out, I don't eat well - if I didn't have this metabolism I'd be stupendously overweight.

I just know that things need to change and I want to start making changes before my choices start to have a lasting affect on me.

How do you do it?
Any advice?

Have you tried CBT? it might be worth visiting a CBT trained therapist for a couple of sessions.

In your post you say you dont work out and dont eat well, maybe this could be a good place to start? You dont have to jump into it just gradually add things to your diet and routine.

I also notice you start off your thread with negativity. So what if your auntie believes in angels? she's just as entitled to her believes as you are to yours, youre no better than her and she's no better than you. Judgement is a negative thinking pattern and is a very unhealthy way of approaching people and situations.

Ive had depression and anxiety since I was a kid, it has plagued my life but ive managed to keep a positive mental attitude by catching my thoughts when they become negative, I challenge negative thinking, I also try my best to eat well, I exercise when I can, I give back by donating money to charities, I keep my house clean and tidy, I take a bit of time out of my day to spend it with my pets, I make plans and goals for the future, I treat myself by saving up towards things ive wanted to buy, I meet friends for coffee and if im having a particularly bad day/week/month, I write down my feelings, this is really helpful for me, I write down why I am feeling the way I am and I usually end up writing about 5 pages, I read it back and a few things happen every time - The first thing that happens is I feel much better, like ive had a release.
The second thing that happens is I can trace back to the exact trigger that caused the downward spiral of my emotional state and the third thing that happens is, I can spot my negative thinking patterns, my negative behavior patterns, when im being particularly hard on myself and through this I notice when im slipping back into old ways.

I also practice gratefulness, I try not to judge other people or compare myself to them, I try to be as accepting as I want others to be towards me.

For me its a combination of little things that create a healthier and more positive mind set.

I really think you should go and get some CBT though, it could really help you.

How do you maintain a positive mental attitude?

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