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Meeting Husbands Ex

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  • 15-03-2019 1:21pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    In the scheme of things, this is pretty tame for Personal Issues but here goes.
    We are headed to a party this weekend. My husbands ex wife will be also be there. There has only been one occasion that we have been in the same company before, at his uncles funeral earlier this year.
    Back then she asked him if me and her could be introduced. My husband said not that day but he would, so if she is at this party I'm assuming introductions will take place.
    Personally, i don't see the need for us to be introduced, myself and my husband are together 9 years and only twice have we been in the same company as his ex but he is one that likes to keep people happy and if asked he will introduce us.
    So my question is what do you say to your husbands ex wife on introduction... only thing we have in common is him.


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    #2
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Treat her like you would treat anyone else. Is there a reason you're apprehensive about meeting her? Like I assume they're on good terms if she's comfortable enough to ask to meet you?


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    #3
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I would say much of it depends on how they broke up. If you were the other woman, the context is very different to one where she left him.
    Scratch that. It's 9 years ago. I'd be respectful and warm regardless. If struggling for somethimg to say, I'd find out some of her interests and ask her about about them. 9 years is a long time ago and none of us is getting younger.


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    #4
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    You dont NEED to be introduced to most people you get introduced to surely?

    I presume she is just trying to be amicable, cant see the harm to be pleasant myself - unless there are some issues that you havent mentioned.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Is there an issue with meeting her? Given the situation I must assume the split was on ok terms or if it wasn't they've put it behind them now. If in 9 years you've only crossed paths twice then what is the issue at saying hello at a party. Do you worry her or your OH are going to start looking for more interaction? As you've not mentioned them i assume no kids so there's a few friends/family in common so at most you get is the odd funeral/wedding etc path cross. Surely you've been introduced to other acquaintances of his over the years - work colleagues or old buddies where the only thing in common is you both know him - if they were looking to call over to your house or meeting for a meal or something yeah that could be awkward but it's a quick intro at a party. you say hi and move on.


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    #6
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Ex wife or ex gf.

    Ex wife fair enough.

    Ex gf you are overthinking it.


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    #7
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    Sure you have to be introduced to anyone you meet for the first time?
    It would be rude to ignore her.


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    #8
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You treat her how you would of he was introducing you to a cousin, or neighbour, or old family friend. You make polite conversation about whatever. If you are married 9 years and she was at his uncle's funeral last year, then it would seem she is still on friendly terms with his family. Her being his ex wife is largely irrelevant at this stage. He has moved on, and you'd have to assume she has too.


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    #9
    ja1986
    Registered Users Posts: 546 ✭✭✭ja1986


    Oh I'm like you 😂 I don't know why


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    #10
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    ja1986, please only post if you have advice to offer the OP.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think that they have spoken maybe twice in the past year, once at the funeral and i genuinely have no idea why she would want us to be introduced, to me there just seems to be no need for it.
    As i said, this will only be the second time in years that we gave been in the same company. Tho we have bumped into her at a couple of events over the years and they have only nodded hellos, tho he may have seen her without me and chatted with her then i don't know.
    Of course i won't ignore her and will speak to her as i would anybody else, but it just feels very awkward to me. And I'm not the best with meeting new people to begin with.

    I think that there is a difference between meeting somebody organically and looking for an introduction. Parents look for an introduction or close friends, not an ex who isnt in anyway involved in his life anymore. I think that's why i am finding it so awkward.


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    #12
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    But if opportunities are going to arise where you bump into each other occasionally, then it seems more awkward to try to politely avoid each other in those circumstances, does it not? Obviously meeting you organically has been avoided (by you?) for so long at this stage that the only way to get past it is to orchestrate an actual meeting.

    To me it seems stranger to continue try avoid meeting her than it does to have a brief introduction where you say hi and can politely pass general conversation in future.

    Maybe I say this as someone married to someone with a child from a previous relationship. I'm certainly not friends with his ex, but at a recent family funeral we did actually have a chat and a cup of tea together.


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    #13
    KikiLaRue
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭KikiLaRue


    Whattosay wrote: »
    I think that they have spoken maybe twice in the past year, once at the funeral and i genuinely have no idea why she would want us to be introduced, to me there just seems to be no need for it.
    As i said, this will only be the second time in years that we gave been in the same company. Tho we have bumped into her at a couple of events over the years and they have only nodded hellos, tho he may have seen her without me and chatted with her then i don't know.
    Of course i won't ignore her and will speak to her as i would anybody else, but it just feels very awkward to me. And I'm not the best with meeting new people to begin with.

    I think that there is a difference between meeting somebody organically and looking for an introduction. Parents look for an introduction or close friends, not an ex who isnt in anyway involved in his life anymore. I think that's why i am finding it so awkward.

    Why is it awkward?


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    #14
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,379 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    I am the ex-wife in pretty much this exact same scenario and I'll explain my reasons for asking for an introduction. My ex and I split up 7 years ago and he has been with this woman since (she was the reason for the break-up), they have two children and got married last year. We are not in contact except when we run into eachother at the odd event (we still have some mutual friends) and while he and I are friendly, it's very awkward when she's there, for us and our mutual friends. So last year at his aunt's funeral I felt that it would just be easier for everyone if she and I were finally introduced. I will be perfectly honest and say I have absolutely zero interest in meeting the woman and would spend the rest of my life happy if I never saw her again, let alone spoke to her, but I asked for the sake of our friends, who have spent the last seven years wondering if a powder keg is going to blow any time she and I are in the same room.

    In the end, my ex said the exact same thing as your husband, that that day wasn't the right time, but that next time we ended up at the same thing, he would make the introduction. But if that day never comes, I'll be perfectly happy.

    So, obviously I can't speak for your partner's ex, but I strongly suspect she has absolutely zero interest in *you*, if that makes sense, she's just doing it to neutralise any residual awkwardness.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Do you mind me asking, why didn't you just approach them and say hello to them rather than asking for an intro., being at a funeral kinda lends itself to that. That i would have no issue with whatsoever.

    I genuinely haven't avoided being at events that she will be at, actually did the opposite as i never wanted my husband to miss out on seeing his friends because of me, we just haven't .
    Anyways, i seems maybe I'm overthinking it from these responses.


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    #16
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I am with the OP on this - it is unnatural and peciular to want "an introduction" and even more voyeuristic and odd to ask for one initially at a funeral. I'd never want to meet an ex-s partner & where it has happened it has been awkred, unnatural and felt peciular. If she is angling at your husband for an intro I'd make my feelings clear to him and say you don't want to be introduced or to have her as a part of your life and tell him to tell her its not a wanted or welcome advance. What does she want -to see how you maych up;to compare herself to you; or to chitchat about penis size and his sexual technique. Personally I"d be having a stern chat with him and telling him to respect you and your wishes. He should not be allowing her to put you in this position which you clearly do not welcome & are not happy about.


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    #17
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    I find it quite weird you should be 'introduced' after 9 years. Why? She knows about you for all this time, has met you before. Sounds ridiculous to me and your feeling is right to not want it.

    if you don't want it, let your husband know. You don't have to do things you don't want in this cae.

    Also, if it's about introduction, you could demand she'll be introduced to you. Why does it has to be the other way around? Seems all silly to me.


    A simple 'Hi' from yourself whenever it suits or situation is there is suffice imo.


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    #18
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,379 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Whattosay wrote:
    Do you mind me asking, why didn't you just approach them and say hello to them rather than asking for an intro., being at a funeral kinda lends itself to that. That i would have no issue with whatsoever.

    Because I felt (and still feel) that that would be doorstepping them somewhat. Asking him to introduce us gave him the chance to say it to her and for her to nix the idea if she wasn't comfortable. That may be what happened, for all I know.
    tara73 wrote:
    Also, if it's about introduction, you could demand she'll be introduced to you. Why does it has to be the other way around? Seems all silly to me.

    It doesn't have to be any way around, it's two people getting introduced to eachother.


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    #19
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    Dial Hard wrote: »

    It doesn't have to be any way around, it's two people getting introduced to eachother.

    it doesn't have to be but it is. the ex-wife asks her ex husband from 9 years ago to introduce her to his now wife. the now wife is not so keen on it.

    that's why she opened this thread and so is the main subject of her query where I responded to her with my opinion.


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    #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    At funeral tho it is expected that people (an ex ) would have approached us, to offer condolences and to me, that would have been time for oh ex wife thanks for coming, this is new wife bla bla bla, see you next time, buy ex husband and new wife...
    This scenario i understand. Her not doing this then later speaking to my husband and asking for an introduction to me just winded me up and seemed just way out there.
    As for my OP, she didn't turn up to last night anyway so i expect the next time i see her will be another funeral, at which time if she approaches myself and my husband i will treat her as i would anyone else, i really don't think that she warrants a formal introduction.


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    #21
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,379 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Whattosay wrote:
    At funeral tho it is expected that people (an ex ) would have approached us, to offer condolences and to me, that would have been time for oh ex wife thanks for coming, this is new wife bla bla bla, see you next time, buy ex husband and new wife... This scenario i understand. Her not doing this then later speaking to my husband and asking for an introduction to me just winded me up and seemed just way out there.

    Well, again I can only speak for myself but at the funeral we were at I purposely waited until she was elsewhere before I approached my ex to give him my condolences. She and I have literally never exchanged a single word in our lives so doing so suddenly including her in an interaction with absolutely no "warning" whatsoever would have been just weird, imo. As I've said, it would have felt like I was doorstepping them.

    Anyway, it's probably safe to say that you and I are never going to have the same perspective on this, so I'll bow out. Best of luck, whatever happens.


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