Advice about housemates and cleaning

LegacyUser · 10-03-2019 6:13pm #1

I moved into a new place in September with 2 girls; a good friend of mine who'd been here for 5 years and another girl who'd been here for 2 years. We're all late 20s. I didn't "view" the house before moving in as I'd been round to visit my friend. I knew the house was a bit dingy but the location was perfect, rent was cheap and after having moved home from abroad 6 months prior I was tired of bouncing round over-priced sublet box rooms.

Fast forward to now; still love the location, saving tons of money on rent and transport costs, I've done up my room and am very happy with it, loads of friends close by etc. but I am at my wits end with the dirt of the house. I've had messy housemates, I've been the messy housemate but I've never experienced anything like this. It's like they don't see it.

When I moved in I cleaned the place from top to bottom, scrubbed the floors and walls, fixed the hoover (which the hadn't noticed was broken), bought new storage to help with putting stuff away. I figured they might see the difference and want to keep it up, especially the one who's only been here two years as she said she wanted to clean when she moved in but didn't think it was her business?

I clean the house for about 1hour 30 min most weeks. It's a small house. But I'm so fed up. It would be such a small job if we had a rota and only had to do it one week in 3 but they just say that everyone pitches in and they've never needed a rota before. I genuinely worry about health as well. I clean off any mould I see on the ceiling and leave windows open when I can but I looked in one of the girls' rooms the other day and the ceiling was COVERED in black mould. I don't know how she sleeps in there.

I'm afriad to move out, the market being what it is in Dublin and I've moved 16 times in the last ten years so I'm really tired of it. We get on so well but it's such a scummy place to come home to sometimes and I genuinely avoid going away for weekends because I don't know when else I'll find the time to clean.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-03-2019 7:05pm

Have you ACTUALLY spoken to them? It seems you might have hinted, and they seem to think it's grand. But if it's not then you do have to come straight out and say it directly.

If nothing changes after that then you need to decide if you can stay there?

Why is there so much mould. That's not normal or to be expected. Have you brought it to the attention of the landlord?

Ursus Horribilis · 10-03-2019 8:09pm

If your housemates were happy to live in a pigsty up until now, they're not going to change their ways. There's no point in hoping they'll take the hint or decide they prefer living in a cleaner house because you've been doing all the housework. You're going to have to come out and speak to them directly. No hints or vagueness at all. If they're not on for doing their bit, maybe you could all club together and pay a cleaner to come in.

That black mould is something of a concern. That, more than your housemates, might be what'll lead to you leaving this house. Depending on what the cause of it is, it could be easily fixed or it could be something quite serious.

Bunny Colvin · 10-03-2019 8:18pm

I could have wrote your post word for word. The last two places I lived, it was the same craic. Good location and everything but dingy enough. I'd do a deep clean of the place and it'd be back to square one a few days later. Despite the fact I was sub-letting, I still asked could they keep the communal areas clean but I might as well have been talking to a wall. Some people don't even see the mess around them, let alone thinking of cleaning.

These people won't change, I'd be looking for somewhere else TBH. What's the point of paying rent for a place where you're embarrassed to bring friends or family over to or a place that's stressing you out. There's nothing worse than leaving a place clean and then coming back to see it in a heap, through no fault of your own.

ted1 · 10-03-2019 8:20pm

16 times in 10 years is a lot and may signal other issues.

The best thing is to each three in a tener or such each week and get a cleaner

OldMrBrennan83 · 10-03-2019 8:21pm

Stop cleaning anything other than your own room until they notice. They don't care at the moment because they have you to do it for them.

Don't be going in to other people's rooms either. Never ends well.

Bunny Colvin · 10-03-2019 8:22pm

ted1 wrote: »

16 times in 10 years is a lot and may signal other issues.

The best thing is to each three in a tener or such each week and get a cleaner

If someone's not cleaning up after themselves then a cleaner coming in mopping a few floors won't make a difference.

Bunny Colvin · 10-03-2019 8:25pm

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

Stop cleaning anything other than your own room until they notice. They don't care at the moment because they have you to do it for them.

Don't be going in to other people's rooms either. Never ends well.

Again, that won't make a difference. These people don't even see the mess - that's what it comes down to. Honestly, it's a war you won't win OP. Accept living in a mess or move out. Being afraid to go away for a weekend is ridiculous in fairness.

OldMrBrennan83 · 10-03-2019 8:27pm

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

Again, that won't make a difference. These people don't even see the mess - that's what it comes down to. Honestly, it's a war you won't win OP. Accept living in a mess or move out. Being afraid to go away for a weekend is ridiculous in fairness.

They won't see a mess if the OP keeps cleaning up after them.

Addle · 10-03-2019 8:33pm

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

They won't see a mess if the OP keeps cleaning up after them.

The mess was there before the OP moved in.

You should've viewed the place before you moved in OP.
You have to live with the consequences of your decision now.

Bunny Colvin · 10-03-2019 8:34pm

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

They won't see a mess if the OP keeps cleaning up after them.

Do you think these people will suddenly start cleaning the place if the OP doesn't. They don't care either way, that's what you're dealing with.

LegacyUser · 10-03-2019 8:39pm

Thanks for the swift replies. In someways I just needed a rant about it.

A couple of things:
-I've moved so many times due to jobs, relocation, commute, college, sublets ending etc. It is a lot and it's genuinely quite fatiguing (the thought of moving again genuinely makes me want to cry a little) but it's not a sign of "other issues". Only one of those moves was to do with problems within the house itself.
- I don't know what the deal with the mould is. It is a damp house and there have been spots of mould in other rooms but I just wiped it off and been mindful of opening the windows more. I haven't raised this issue with my housemate because I feel like as it's not a communal area it's none of my business - maybe I'm wrong?
- I have brought it up before but I was quite "nice" about it. It's difficult, because they're my friends and I'm essentially telling them they're disgusting.

It's so odd. One in particular would thing of herself as houseproud - everything has a place but none of those places make sense and everything has a layer of dust. All of her face creams are laid out beautifully but they are covered in dust, her cereal boxes are lines up but in the window where they get damp from condensation and go all horrible.

cloudatlas · 11-03-2019 9:55am

A cleaner or a rota. Every two weeks I get two or three weeks off cleaning and then for one week I'm rostered to do the bathrooms one week and the next the kitchen, everybody has one area to do a week and one person has the week off on a rota basis, works perfectly. I'm lucky though as everyone does a good job.

Paddy Cow · 11-03-2019 12:36pm

Your friend has been happily living in the house for 5 years. If you start making a fuss and handing out a rota, you'll be promptly told to get lost. You cannot change these people to suit yourself. Either accept the way they are or find somewhere else to live. If you were there first you'd have a leg to stand on. You could end up ruining your friendship with both women if you make this into a big deal.

Sorry about that · 11-03-2019 1:04pm

Hi op, if I was in your shoes I wouldn't say anything- you're the last in and they won't thank you or have a sudden epiphany about their dirty habits. And if they feel guilty about it, they'll just turn that onto you and it'll be harder to live there.

I'd weigh up the pros and cons, you're saving money, location is good, they're alright apart from the dirt. I think I'd cope with doing the clean once a week- as long as you remember you're doing it for you, not them.

wiggle16 · 11-03-2019 1:30pm

All you can do is say it out straight to them. Point out the black mold - it will be very hard for them to explain that away, it's a health issue and might embarrass them into keeping the place a bit cleaner. But I'd doubt it.

They don't see the dirt and they don't care - if they did this issue wouldn't exist. People won't change something that's not an issue to them. I've been in this situation before and we never managed to get the person to clean up after themselves.

I'd a fight with a former housemate because I cleaned the house top to bottom on the friday, came back on the monday and it was like a landfill. Big bust up with her, and nothing changed. Another girl I lived with had a cat which liked to sleep in the kitchen sink and walk about on the counters, crapped on the floor etc - again, all that happened when we said it to her was her being in a huff for a few weeks.

And in fairness, I'm not Marie Kondo either, I have also been the person that another person found issue with regards being tidy (not dirty I must add!). It's hard not to take it personally and I found it hard to see the issue so I resented a bit having to change my habits. I did do it though.

For the time being, if you haven't already, you can get anti-mold sprays in a hardware shop or most supermarkets. It will keep it at bay in your room and the communal areas at least. A dehumidifier might help with the damp but really that should be for the landlord to look into properly.

I think you should say it to them as you have little to lose, but it's very unlikely to change, unfortunately.

Vela · 11-03-2019 6:50pm

Suggest a cleaner. I honestly think it's the best and most tactful way to handle situations like this. a few euro each every 2 weeks even and you'll be sorted.

splinter65 · 11-03-2019 7:54pm

My daughter moved away to go to college 3 years ago to share a 3 bedroomed house with her 2 closest dear friends from primary school.
Fast forward 3 years and one of the three is totally and irretrievably estranged from the other 2 because of her slatternly household habits which when she practiced in MY home were funny and quirky ( just filthy she was) but when they (my daughter and girl 3) had to clean up after her proved to be too horrible to bear.
Milk mayonnaise butter and cheese left out of the fridge on the counter all day in the case of the butter and mayonnaise with the knife, which she had licked, stuck conveniently in it, lids off. Ketchup spattered like a CSI Miami murder scene. (“ I was hurrying I was late for class! Take a chill pill!”). Bags shoes coats hairbrushes strewn around the common area all the time. Noisy sex with random men brought back from seedy clubs. Drug taking followed by drinking followed by vomiting and wetting the bathroom floor.
Of course it all ended in a screaming row before she went home and told her doting mother that she’d been bullied mercilessly.
I miss her.

Idbatterim · 11-03-2019 8:01pm

Are clothes being dried in house? Could partially explain the damp. Wouldn’t surprise me if bedrooms don’t have air vents ?

Dark Phoenix · 12-03-2019 12:39pm

the damp can be caused by a number of things including poor ventilation. Just clean your own room and your own things and leave them to live in the mess its just part of living ina house share - its also the reason you live with someone before marrying / buying a house with them - some people can just be minging!!

Paddy Cow · 12-03-2019 8:21pm

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

the damp can be caused by a number of things including poor ventilation. Just clean your own room and your own things and leave them to live in the mess its just part of living ina house share - its also the reason you live with someone before marrying / buying a house with them - some people can just be minging!!

Yup. The housemate probably never opens the window in her room.

Idbatterim · 12-03-2019 8:30pm

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Yup. The housemate probably never opens the window in her room.

Previous rental house I was in, they just drilled a small hole through bedroom ceiling, probably 1.5cm in diameter and got ventilation from attic...

It is seriously unhealthy if there is no vent and she isn’t opening window

Paddy Cow · 12-03-2019 8:37pm

Idbatterim wrote: »

Previous rental house I was in, they just drilled a small hole through bedroom ceiling, probably 1.5cm in diameter and got ventilation from attic...

It is seriously unhealthy if there is no vent and she isn’t opening window

A lot of renters fall into two categories -

1 They don't realise that most mould is caused by poor ventilation so don't realise they should be opening their window every day to air it out.

2 They know but don't care, especially in winter because they don't want to open the window and let warm air out and cold air in :rolleyes:

A friend of mine used to rent an apartment. His tenant wanted the council to rehouse her but they wouldn't. She closed all the windows, covered up vents and dried her clothes in the apartment to create a mould problem so she could go crying to the council about damp conditions.

KikiLaRue · 13-03-2019 11:03am

My place is a kip at the moment. I'm not the cleanest and my housemate isn't either - so at least there are two of us in it. I am one of these people who just doesn't see the dirt, or rather I see it, but it genuinely doesn't bother me if there are dishes in the sink or the counter needs to be cleared.

It's very difficult to change the 'culture' of a house where others have already been there for years.

If the rent is cheap and the location is great, it seems like a small price to pay.

If I was you, I'd make the room your sanctuary as you've mentioned and chill out there when it's bothering you. One thing a friend of mine did when he was in a similar situation was went out and bought himself his own plate, mug, bowl etc which he kept in his own cupboard and he only ever used his own and washed his own, so the others were left to deal with their own mess.

Bunny Colvin · 13-03-2019 12:07pm

KikiLaRue wrote: »

My place is a kip at the moment. I'm not the cleanest and my housemate isn't either - so at least there are two of us in it. I am one of these people who just doesn't see the dirt, or rather I see it, but it genuinely doesn't bother me if there are dishes in the sink or the counter needs to be cleared.

It's very difficult to change the 'culture' of a house where others have already been there for years.

If the rent is cheap and the location is great, it seems like a small price to pay.

If I was you, I'd make the room your sanctuary as you've mentioned and chill out there when it's bothering you. One thing a friend of mine did when he was in a similar situation was went out and bought himself his own plate, mug, bowl etc which he kept in his own cupboard and he only ever used his own and washed his own, so the others were left to deal with their own mess.

What about the communal areas, who wants to cook in a dirty kitchen? Leaving it in **** is not on and has more to do with a lack of respect for other people than a 'culture'.

It comes down to what the OP can tolerate and put up with but I'd be moving out. Who want to stash away a dish and a cup into a cupboard and being holed up in a room all evening because the rest of your house is a mess. You can do better than that.

KikiLaRue · 13-03-2019 12:13pm

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

What about the communal areas, who wants to cook in a dirty kitchen? Leaving it in **** is not on and has more to do with a lack of respect for other people than a 'culture'.

It comes down to what the OP can tolerate and put up with but I'd be moving out. Who want to stash away a dish and a cup into a cupboard and being holed up in a room all evening because the rest of your house is a mess. You can do better than that.

Tried finding a place to rent in Dublin recently that has a great location, reasonable rent and great housemates recently?

Bunny Colvin · 13-03-2019 12:17pm

KikiLaRue wrote: »

Tried finding a place to rent in Dublin recently that has a great location, reasonable rent and great housemates recently?

No harm in trying to look while you're there and roll the dice again.

Paddy Cow · 13-03-2019 1:15pm

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

No harm in trying to look while you're there and roll the dice again.

I'd take messy/dirty housemates with good personalities over clean housemates that I clash with. Moving in with people is always a gamble. The op could end up in another place confined to her room because the new housemates are a nightmare personality wise.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 13-03-2019 1:46pm

The mold I'd say you need to talk to them about. It doesn't have to be too direct "Hey have you guys noticed any mold around? It's really annoying isn't it, guess it's the weather? I had this in a house before and found opening the windows and airing the place out every day the only way, happened another friend of mine and it got so bad they had to move out for the landlord to fix it :eek:"

As to the rest of it, it sounds bad but I agree you're unlikely to be able to fix it, if they're not bothered by it and have been in the house that long they won't change easily. You may be able to wear them down but it's not guaranteed; you'll be sacrificing the atmosphere in the house in a big way shirt to medium term on the chance things will improve long term. And it's 2 of them, 1 of you and a friendship on the line. Plus it'll have to be your full time job getting at them for a few weeks.

If you can't change them you have to change your reaction and stop getting so stressed over it. Like you say you have a lovely room, clean in the communal areas to the extent that you don't go insane and leave them off apart from that, save kicking off over it for things like mold, food left where it'll draw rats etc. You have to weigh it up against all the positives, there's no such thing as a perfect house share, I'm sure you have your horror stories.

I wish my house was kept more clean and tidy but I like the location, I've a good room, there's never hassle with bills, I've never hidden from one of my housemates rather than have to listen to them etc. I get very frustrated sometimes but it's worth the payoff, I just have a vent to someone else and keep it in perspective.

katie275 · 14-03-2019 2:52pm

These things need to be tackled head on. Maybe suggest a house chat to speak about it, even if the idea makes you uncomfortable.
I lived with 2 other girls before, once a week we would clean the house. One person did the hoovering, one person cleaned table tops, surfaces and bathroom and one did the mopping. We would rotate each week. Not much work at all when you're sharing it, it worked very well for us!

Sheog · 22-03-2019 1:21pm

I have rented in house share situations most of my adult life and the 'cleaning' has come up many times. What I have learned is that everyone has different levels of what they consider to be clean and tidy and part of living with anyone is figuring out what works best. (Age old compromise!)

What I found worked best in the end was agreeing to clean up after ourselves in the kitchen (not leaving dirty dishes around or gone off food in the fridge) and getting a cleaner in for 1 or 2 hours a week or every fortnight. (It will cost between €5 and €10 per week per person.) Money very well spent for a happy home!

I know to some that seems a huge waste of money, but honestly it's the best thing to do. It removes all arguments and reduces the silent frustrations of the cleanest person in the house significantly. If everyone is out working 5 days a week, then no one really has the time to be cleaning anyway. If the cleaning falls to one person all the time, then it really isn't fare.

I'd bring home a bottle of vino or two some evening, and sit them down and tell them that you are really happy living with them, but calmly explain your frustration with the cleaning (without any judgement or finger pointing) and suggest getting cleaner as a fair solution. You might be surprised! My last house mate who I suggested it to, jumped at the idea. She said she always felt really guilty and a bit of a rubbish housemate for leaving me do all the cleaning, but that she just didn't have the energy for it in the evenings after work. I moved into my own place (at Last!) before Christmas and her boyfriend moved in. Guess what? She still gets a cleaner in every week.

Best of luck Op, hope it works out.

Advice about housemates and cleaning

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