Toxic relationship is over and I’m struggling to deal with my broken heart

It sounds like it is for the best. Hard to see right now. But you're worried about not meeting someone else etc, not missing him, that shows just how over it was, which will hopefully make moving on easier.

Logistically, will you be able to move in with family for a while? You said you have great support which is wonderful, they could probably see what he was like.

I know when I broke up with a long term boyfriend years ago I missed the texting him during the day etc so I asked a good friend could I text her silly stuff during the day like how uneventful my sandwich was!

kitkat275 it’s ok to put your words down here .
Time will heal -you are prob tired of hearing this and it can be easy to say now but trust us /your friends/your family it will.
You should be treated as a Queen , esp where u work right now .
Relationships are equal partnerships, and we all should be able to talk out our troubles and worries or at least have a sounding board if it’s not then it gets harder and harder. You have made a decision and although hard it’s right and you are no 1 in this.
Don’t ever forget yourself !!
Take care

Well done on making such a brave decision and be proud of you for having the strength to put your need to be loved and appreciated first. Its difficult right now to make such big changes after 6 years and it's natural to feel anxious and fearful leaving the relationship behind. But think about the opportunities that lay ahead of you - you no longer have to spend valuable time or energy dealing with a selfish, uncaring individual, you can look after you now and take the time to build yourself back up after a horrible experience so that you're ready when someone new comes along. Do something for you today and try not to worry - thoughts are just fleeting and its scientifically proven that things are never as bad as we imagine them to be. The fact that you were strong enough to make a stand for yourself and walk away tells me you're going to be ok. Sending hugs x

OP, what is your current living situation? I remember your old threads and if I have this right, you bought a house with him. Is he still there?

OP, the reason I asked a little earlier what your living situation is now, is that I feel you are in a very vulnerable position. You are one moment of doubt away from going back on your decision and continuing with this relationship. Living under the same roof as an ex is difficult at the best of times. When you're living with somebody you still love (mentioned in recent post), you are in a precarious place.

As well as talking to the people who care about you, have you sought out counselling? I think you should because I feel there are issues with you that need to be taken through with a professional. I assume that throughout your relationship, you saw the warning signs of what he was really like. Instead of seeing them as a sign that he wasn't the nice person you thought he was, you pulled on a pair of blinkers and shut them out. You continued with the relationship right up to the point of getting engaged and buying a house together. You really need to get to the bottom of why, because you're in danger of repeating the same mistakes again. They might happen with this guy if you take him back or you might meet someone else just like him.

Your mind is racing and you're panicking. I get that. You invested 6 years of your life into this relationship and you probably feel you're within touching distance of getting what you want. You've got a career, a house and a partner who you desperately wish would come good. The temptation to return back to what you know must be enormous. Saying goodbye to your hopes and dreams with this man is a significant thing to deal with. Anybody who has had to start again will understand exactly what you're going through. The terror, the self-doubt, the loneliness, the redefining of how you see yourself.

You were right to kick this man to the kerb and I think we're all hoping that's where he stays. He has shown consistently, through his behaviour, that he is not somebody to build a life with. Instead of helping you when needed it, he punished you and put you back in your place. You can't drive (please learn when this is over!) so refusing to pick up the household items was an easy "win" for him. Not having something for you to stick in the microwave when you get in from work is another way of keeping you down. The silent treatment and the accusations about masturbation also fall into this pattern. All of these things are such mean-minded things to do. They're not what normal, nice people do for their partners. You two should be a team and know that the other one has your back. I see no evidence of that here. What would happen if you fell ill or lost your job? Can you say without any doubts that he'd step up to the plate and make you feel loved and supported? I have absolutely no doubt that if you were to have children, he'd continue to keep you in your place. You'd be the one doing the feeds and changing the nappies and getting up every night. You'd be begging him to bring you and your child to clinics, the doctor etc. Your child would grow up seeing that it is OK for daddy to ignore mammy and treat her like crap. Your child would probably see you dancing around daddy's moods and dealing with his meanness. This man could easily start treating his own children like this too. Why stop with the woman he supposedly loves? You're probably damaged from this relationship but at least you have a better upbringing to fall back on. Do you want to bring innocent children into this and have them learn from the very beginning a warped idea of family life and relationships? Please stay walking and get the help you need.

Ah I'm sorry you've gone through this Kitkat. You are very brave to walk away from this man so well done for that. I know how long it must have taken you to build up the courage to do and to finally realise that YOU were not the problem, he was.

I can only speak from my personal experience of ending a toxic relationship a few years back. It was very difficult to do and my confidence and self worth was at an all time low after years of manipulation and mental abuse.

I decided to work on myself to make sure I never got into that situation again. I figured if I didn't do that, then I would only repeat history and I couldn't do go through that again. I decided I deserved better and you do too.

For now you have to continue being strong as hard as it is. Its very likely he thinks you're just blowing off steam and he can manipulate you back into his arms. No matter what he says he is not going to change. Block him on everything, ignore any contact whatsoever.

You are lucky to have support around you, let them support you. You deserve real love.
Choose yourself and your sanity and your happiness.

kitkat275 wrote: »

I’m the girl who works in healthcare in a pandemic whose partner wanted me to cook my own meals, who gave me silent treatment over things like talking too loud, who wanted me to do my own grocery shopping and pick up house stuff without a car over a petty argument, who accused me of masturbating in my sleep when I was itching due to shaving rash and ingrown hairs. You guys posted and gave me great advice. I was too weak and my judgement was clouded by him telling me we would work things through. It’s over now. It’s really over for good and I’m so scared. I’m scared of being alone after being in a relationship for 6 years. I’m scared of dating again. I’m scared that I might never meet someone that I connect with and start the family that I want. I’m ashamed that it’s taken me so long to break it off for good. I feel pathetic that I let someone treat me this way. I have a great support network with my family and friends that I am so grateful for. I am not looking for specific advice, I guess I’m just putting my thoughts into words

I hope you have people you can talk to when you're having an evening like this one? It really does help to talk when things are getting on top of you. I also liked the suggestion from heretothere about texting a friend with the sort of chatter you might've been sending to your ex (that is, if he was the sort who did that sort of thing). It might involve a bit of planning but try to have somebody to chat to every evening when you get in from work. It is far from ideal that he is still under the same roof, so you need to be especially vigilant. I suppose you're getting a constant reminder of why you ended this when you come home and have to eat a bowl of cereal.

Not sure why he is the one who needs to move out asap, sure it’d be practical if the OP stayed with friends/ family while she is feeling so raw.

Princess Calla wrote: »

Well he's working from home so in theory can work anywhere.

She's working outside the home so commute etc needs to be considered. She is also frontline ,I'm not sure how welcoming people would be to such a risk to them and their family from a houseguest.

Plus if the plan is to buy him out, he'll be going anyway so no harm getting things in motion.

Yeah I get that but he clearly won’t be in any rush, why would he be?
Just because the OP plans to do something doesn’t mean that he will go along with it either.
This is all nice in theory but not necessarily practical. As others pointed out the Op is the one struggling and will find herself back at square one if she remains passive.

OP can't drive so her options might be curtailed by that

Just to say OP, the Irish Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists have counsellors offering free sessions to frontline staff. Check out their website IACP.

Similiarly HSE are offering free counselling to people affected by COVID through my mind. I think its mymind.ie.

Might just be useful to talk to someone as you work through it and might aswell take advantage of the free services out there for frontline staff.

As someone else suggested maybe a couple of nights staying in a hotel may help and also the advice about having a friend to text throughout the day. I remember that helping me in the past.

But you really do need to start telling people, why wouldn't you, unless you don't believe its over. As someone else said there will be a part of you waiting for him to turn into the perfect guy, but the harsh truth is he will not, the sooner you can accept that, the easier it will be and telling people is part of accepting that.

Mind yourself and be gentle with yourself. Set yourself a few goals as part of your single life, maybe learn to drive, plan a trip (to take when this is over), what ever it is you are interested in. I find after a break up I have to spend some time trying to remember who I was beforehand. What i liked, what were my interests, maybe spend some time thinking about that.