Living with Hypochondria

LegacyUser · 24-02-2021 10:39am #1

hi all, have gone unregistered for this one, i'll try to keep it short.

Married 20 years, on and off throughout the years husband has had what I would call bouts of Hypochondria/illness anxiety (I think is the new term), he would go through phases of phantom illnesses, pains and feelings that no doctor could ever find a reason for. Once he saw doctor and there was no findings he would just drop the issue, never mention it again. Now, covid-19 hits and basically in March 2020 he re-developed a lung complaint that was last complained about (and checked out thoroughly) during the recession in 2008/2009. He has had various medicals and check ups throughout the past year and there is simply nothing to be found. It exhibits itself in things like - I am not allowed to light even a tea-light in my home because of fumes, during the summer he wouldn't go to BBQ's because there might be some smoke, he has agreed to light the fire in the house during winter but if I open a door and some smoke blows out into the room he goes nuts and waits outside while it clears, he won't go into his workshed now as it is dusty etc he maintains that if he smells smoke or fumes or dust or anything at all then his lungs will be sore and he won't be able to breath properly for weeks.

All of this has destroyed what is normally a really happy house/marriage. I am walking on egg shells all the time - there are other things that he does but I won't get into too much detail. So, it is beyond obvious to me that he has an anxiety issue, however he refuses point blank to believe that, says that i'm mental because I don't believe him. I've asked him to speak to a therapist but he refuses - says it's just 'a condition he has to live with now'. Here's the thing, we are older and we are desperately trying for a baby (miscarriage etc in the past 6 months) - the clock is ticking very loudly but yet I'm so unhappy this past 6-9 months that I don't think it's even a good idea to think about having a baby..... yet time is against me. I don't know how to get through, i don't know how to make him see what's going on and I know that Covid is at the bottom of it all but I can't live like this for another year. If you take away this issue of illness anxiety - we are extremely happy together and love each other very much. I keep sending him back to his doctor, doctor checks him out finds nothing but hasn't made a connection to anxiety which I find frustrating as if the doc said that to him, he might actually listen. I've asked family members of his to talk him and he nods and agrees with them and tells them exactly what they want to hear, the minute they are gone he re-confirms to me that he's not mad and that he really does have a lung condition.

I'm desperate now, has anybody ever dealt with illness anxiety before? is there a way to get through, is there something you have done to reach them?

ManOfMystery · 24-02-2021 11:53am

I haven't been in this situation, but what I will say is that his anxiety (which he seemingly in denial about) is causing you very real anxiety, which you recognise.

If he's seen Doctors multiple times and they can find nothing wrong, and he continues to think there is an issue, I don't know what else you can do. I think you need to start looking out for yourself and considering the effect this is having on you. You can suggest doctors and counsellors and so on all day long, but fundamentally it's all worthless if he is unwilling to accept that these issues might be entirely in his head, and unwilling to take any comments from professionals or family seriously, even if he pretends to do so.

LegacyUser · 24-02-2021 12:10pm

I thought about approaching his doctor myself but the way things are now the surgery has changed, different doctors will return a call and you rarely get the same person. Even if I could get his doc to ring me back what would I say? I've told my husband now that I want him to ring the doctor this week and once more tell him about this lung problem, and basically insist that every single test is run but lets face it, in these dark times of Covid, is that even possible? would a doc refer him on for tests if he can find no real reasons to and how long would that all take? I don't imagine there is a short waiting list for respiratory tests at the moment.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 1:05pm

Hi, original poster here, quicker to just register and reply.

thanks for that. It's hard to explain just how invasive this thing is, I feel like it's something that has taken root like a bad weed in my home over the past year and gradually daily has taken over normal life. I've tried to get on with things and deal with fertility related issues/docs etc, work and looking after some other older family members but this thing keeps raising it's head and it's like a kick in the stomach every time. I've tried to first of all ignore this issue, then tackle it head on, then plead with him to get help, then enlist some close family to talk to him, i've tried anger, i've tried reason. At the moment it's stand-off, i'm exhausted and emotional i'm crying at the drop of a hat which really really pisses me off because I'm never emotional like this but I can't have another conversation about it, i'm just resigned for the moment to silence and separate bedrooms -I am miserable. There are so many people suffering out there at the moment, physically and mentally and I resent this seemingly small issue and the damage it has done - maybe just ranting anon online is what I need to do?.

Neyite · 24-02-2021 1:11pm

Because of confidentiality your doctor won't be able to speak to you about your husband's care - but, they would be able to listen to you detail what is going on so they have the whole picture rather than just your husband's account even if they can't share information with you.

I've asked him to speak to a therapist but he refuses - says it's just 'a condition he has to live with now'.

Yes, HE does, however YOU don't have to live with it.

It's further complicated by the fact you are trying for a baby - and against the clock on this. You don't say what age you are but if you are married 20 years then I'm guessing 40s. You probably feel that you don't have time to set the baby stuff aside while you fix this issue - but an option there, albeit expensive, would be to freeze embryos for use later. It's radical but it might allow you to focus on his health without feeling like you'll forever lose the chance at parenthood. It's very possible that the baby issue is also triggering additional stress /pressure on his wellbeing as well as covid.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-02-2021 2:07pm

Email your doctor's surgery and outline everything. That way whichever doctor he sees regularly, has last seen him can be given the email. It will also be saved on the account.

If there is nothing wrong and he is regularly attending the doctor it is very very likely that the doctor has spoken to him about anxiety etc. Doctors would very often see this in patients. But your husband may not admit this to you because he still believes that everyone else is wrong (even the doctor).

It's no joke living with this level of anxiety, for you I mean. It is draining. Send an email to the surgery, you should find the online if they have a website. If not ring and ask for an email address. That can be your first step.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 2:47pm

Thanks for the replies guys. Re freezing eggs etc - not a possibility for us at the moment, financially we are only just recovered from the recession - there's a story there but I won't go into it. IVF etc, all of those things are outside our grasp financially so we're being realistic. I 100% agree though that there is pressure hence and this pressure may well have added to his issues although he did have very similar issues back in 2008. I've tried to explain all of this to him, i've explained that he has all these things going on and that's why he needs to speak to somebody. Even if I could get him to therapy, my concern is that he wouldn't be honest about it all - not necessarily because he's lying but because he thinks he's telling the truth, he's convinced himself of certain truths that just don't make any sense.

I haven't thought about emailing the doctors surgery yet, simply because i've tried to respect his personal space/boundaries and I wondered if even contacting the doctor would be overstepping? - also if I had my way, I would want the doctor to do every single possible test on him in order to prove there is nothing wrong, if I tell the doctor about what I think is going on, is the doctor going to bother running all those tests etc if it's just to help me prove a point?.

I am at my wits end, if I can convince a doctor to run all these tests, we'll be waiting a long time no doubt to get them done and during that time he'll be even more convinced that something is wrong with him. If we do get the tests done and nothing is found, will he still maintain that only he knows what's going on and there's something wrong? I'm sorry for waffling on - i've said nothing for nearly a year but this week just broke me - I feel utterly hopeless about the future and about us.

Faith · 24-02-2021 3:00pm

You poor thing, this is an incredibly difficult thing to live with. It's like a less visible OCD, and one that is incredibly difficult to challenge or resolve.

HypoC wrote: »

also if I had my way, I would want the doctor to do every single possible test on him in order to prove there is nothing wrong, if I tell the doctor about what I think is going on, is the doctor going to bother running all those tests etc if it's just to help me prove a point?.

I am at my wits end, if I can convince a doctor to run all these tests, we'll be waiting a long time no doubt to get them done and during that time he'll be even more convinced that something is wrong with him. If we do get the tests done and nothing is found, will he still maintain that only he knows what's going on and there's something wrong?

Yes to your bolded question. With health anxiety, running tests is actually counter-productive. The more you indulge the belief that there is something physically wrong, the greater lengths the person will go to to protect that belief. You can run every test in the world, and it will only end up with the person believing they have something not yet identified by medical science.

Psychological support, from a qualified clinical psychologist experienced in health anxiety, is the best approach. The problem is getting him there, as you've mentioned. With health anxiety, symptoms are not dismissed as unreal or imaginary. They're identified as real to the person, causing real pain, distress or interference with daily living, even if no test in the world can point to a physical cause. Different therapies can be used - CBT to link thoughts, feelings, behaviours and the physical symptoms experienced, ACT to accept the physical symptoms exist and plan how to live your best life anyway, and others.

People often struggle to express psychological or emotional distress, so the only way they know how to express distress is through physical symptoms. They really feel the pain or other physical experience, and they may be genuinely unaware that it has a psychological underpinning. It can feel incredibly threatening to suggest it's psychological so you're right, it may be best coming from your husband's GP. You could possibly try to support him by trying to explore stressors in his life and giving him space to talk about it.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 3:14pm

Faith wrote: »

Yes to your bolded question. With health anxiety, running tests is actually counter-productive. The more you indulge the belief that there is something physically wrong, the greater lengths the person will go to to protect that belief. Y

Now, this is something that I wasn't sure of so he has a pattern of this kind of behaviour when something is happening, i.e recession and now Covid so through the years I've tried every possible strategy going and normally after a few months or 6 months even the issue resolves itself, one day out of the blue he just stops talking about it. This time round, that hasn't happened and all indicators are that it will not happen. So, over the years i've tried tough love, motivational stuff, listening to his issues and understanding - and more recently i've really accepted that he feels these physical symptoms he describes but it's due to his anxiety that he gets them and not something wrong physically. I've wondered about encouraging him to get tests and I have in the past actually forbid him to go to the doctor anymore, because it became expensive. He has given up jobs in the past over 'medical issues' that he has, he has refused other better jobs because of 'medical issues' then as I said these medical issues just disappear one day -this anxiety issue that he has has festered away all these years and now it is back stronger and meaner then ever before and this time round i can't make him get over it. I'm upset because I really really love him, we are together a long time, he's a lovely man in so many other ways but when this thing has a hold he's unrecognisable and at the moment I am living with a stranger.

spaceHopper · 24-02-2021 3:17pm

You've hit the nail on the head it's pure anxiety.

If you have health insurance double check what they offer for fertility and mental health.

I think emailing the GP is a good idea, it spells it out and you can't be fobbed off it's in writing now. I'd tell your husband he needs to figure this out, that his lung condition has been checked out and he's been give a clean bill of health.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 3:28pm

spaceHopper wrote: »

I'd tell your husband he needs to figure this out, that his lung condition has been checked out and he's been give a clean bill of health.

Been there, done that - clean bill of health doesn't mean anything to him, he can feel something inside him and nobody can tell him otherwise and that's it.... brick wall- this is why it is beyond frustrating. I might draft up an email to doc, see what happens from that.

km991148 · 24-02-2021 3:36pm

I think you need to consider what you are doing for your health at this stage and consider talking to your own gp.

This sounds a very stressful situation and as long as you are focusing purely on your partner's needs and looking for ways to problem solve his problems (his anxiety, not the physical symptoms I mean) then more you are suffering. That must take it's toll and it might do you good to speak to some counciling or such like (for example).

Faith · 24-02-2021 4:11pm

Some GPs will refuse to run more tests until a patient has spoken to a psychologist for a full assessment and possibly intervention. I second the suggest to write to/call his GP with your concerns and ask the GP to consider directing him to a psychologist as the next line of intervention.

Unfortunately, anxiety issues tend to be so entrenched that an 'outsider' (i.e. anyone not experiencing the anxiety) can't force anything; the motivation for change has to come from inside the person themselves. I think you can't get him to change his behaviour, you can only explain to him about how YOU feel and the impact it has on you. This may be enough to motivate him to do something, or may not.

I really don't envy you, OP, and I hope you have avenues to seek support yourself because this kind of thing is so draining and frustrating.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 4:27pm

It's the most frustrating thing i've ever dealt with. Whenever we can talk calmly about it, he's so sorry that he's doing this to us and he said he knows the stress it's putting me under but there's nothing he can do because it's just 'something he has to live with' - i mean it's funny to read back what i'm writing - it sounds friggin nuts. This is not a bad guy, this is a good guy but as you say he is so entrenched in his view that he has something serious wrong with him and it has impacted every part of our lives. I mean genuinely, I walked out of the sitting room a few days ago when fire was lit, puff of smoke entered the room and I could hear him freaking out about it - i literally froze outside because I knew if went back in it would either be a fight or it would be silence and him standing at the open window taking in deep breaths. He's done so much other stuff here that you just wouldn't believe. I'm losing my mind, his family members mean well but they have a chat with him, he agrees with them and they tell me that 'it's all sorted' that he understands now and all the while I know full well that in a day or two he'll revert back to normal and freak out if he even drives past a farmer burning some rubbish in a field. He'll inform me about two weeks later that he has had constant lung pain ever since that time he drove past the rubbish burning in the field. Oh god i sound like a nut job but this is what it is - my family members don't understand because he's normal with them and they all love him so much that they can't picture him behaving like this

Big Bag of Chips · 24-02-2021 4:45pm

HypoC,

My advice to you to send an email to the GP is as much for your benefit. You need support. You need to realise that you are not going mad. You cannot be expected to manage this on your own.

Do you have the same GP? If not I would suggest you also email a copy to your own GP. Outlining the issues how it affects your husband, but also how it is affecting you.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 4:59pm

Thanks Big Bag of Chips, no we don't have the same doctor unfortunately, we were in the same clinic but then the doctors split up so we are now in two separate clinics, his clinic has become a huge private clinic so it's a load of different doctors and he rarely sees the same one. I genuinely don't think I suffer with anxiety as a rule, I tend to get out for some exercise or do something and relieve stress and get one with thing. That said this time round, maybe because i'm a bit older or maybe because i've been trying to deal with fertility issues I just don't seem to have the same get up and go/resolve that I had on previous occasions. I can feel myself being a doormat to his behaviour this time round, just accepting it and avoiding him where possible , whereas before when it raised it's head I didn't tolerate it, I tackled him on everything. Now, I stay in work longer, I get up earlier and I try to avoid him. It's brutal - thanks though I will seriously think about emailing his doctor.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-02-2021 5:08pm

You don't have to be suffering specifically from anxiety for this to affect you. You are worn down. You're walking on eggshells. You're avoiding him. This is affecting your relationship. It's affecting your quality of life.

I am not going to deny that your husband feels these chest symptoms. In fact I believe he IS feeling these chest symptoms, because he is making himself feel them. I am asthmatic. I might not need to take an inhaler for months. But there's always one in my handbag. If I realise there's not an inhaler in my handbag, I will suddenly feel a tightness in my chest and need an inhaler! I imagine myself into an attack. But I know I do that so I can often talk myself out of it too. The problem is your husband is bringing on these symptoms for himself. He is convincing his body that he is suffering, and as a result, he actually is.

This is a very very complex mental health issue that you can't fix. Chats with his family are futile. There's no point even trying to engage them.

Send an email to his GP. And definitely send one to your own.

24-02-2021 5:27pm

Fair play to you for putting up with this OP, it must be beyond difficult at this stage, you really are a very empathetic person, I know that I wouldn't be as patient in the same situation.

You seem to have tried everything and this will sound harsh but would an ultimatum be worth trying, a short sharp shock as being understanding and helpful hasn't worked. Tell him that despite loving him you just cannot endure the situation any longer and something will have to give, he needs professional help for his anxiety or you may need to look at the marriage because this can't go on indefinitely .

You really can't put up with it any longer as it will definitely affect your own mental health and quality of life, he does need help but so do you, it's not fair to have to live like this if he's unwilling to get help. I'd definitely have one serious conversation with him, don't back down and let him know that you've helped as much as possible but you now need to put yourself first.

HypoC · 24-02-2021 6:00pm

Thanks Duvet Day, I guess I'm putting up with it all as there is a huge amount of good there too. I have in the past tried the ultimatum and in fact last year I actually went as far as kicking him out for a few days, he came back said he'd get help and would speak to someone ( I was pregnant he would have said mass) few days later I had a miscarriage and all was forgotten about during that time and for a couple of months afterwards as I had some health things to deal with. Now it's back in the last few months and it's worse than ever and we're back to the idea that it's real and that I need to accept that it's real and not anxiety etc. Lockdown doesn't help because i'm trapped with him really, no escape, nowhere to go and stay for a while to get a breather. Future feels grim at the moment but i'm in a funk right now - just need to get myself out of it. Thanks again as I said sometimes just seeing it written down helps to get my thoughts in order

Big Bag of Chips · 24-02-2021 6:07pm

When I mentioned before that living with this level of anxiety, for you is no joke, I meant living with his anxiety, not yours.

He's only in his 40s. His health is genuinely going to start deteriorating in the coming years. If he doesn't get a handle on this now how do you imagine you'll live with a 60 year old him, or a 70 year old him? I wouldn't be too sure that you bring pregnant was the reason for his promises. If you kicked him out today you'd likely hear exactly the same promises. He can't change. He can't help himself. That's why he NEEDS to attend a professional. He needs his thought pattern readjusted. He'll be physically an old man long enough. He's already an old man in his mindset.

If you offer an ultimatum, and if he makes the promises, then you need to ensure that he actually takes steps to address the issues before you back down from the ultimatum. Otherwise it'll be a cycle of promises-back to normal-upset-promises etc etc

qwerty13 · 25-02-2021 2:34am

“I actually went as far as kicking him out for a few days, he came back said he'd get help and would speak to someone ( I was pregnant he would have said mass)” - sorry, what does that mean, about saying mass?

If he’s like this now OP, with either delusions or him perceiving himself to be ill, I can only see this getting worse and worse as you both age. As you both get older, so do your parents - so that’s an additional 4 people to worry about. What if they get sick, and need help. Will that all fall on you?

What if either of you get sick. He does not sound equipped to have a relationship, let alone a child who he would have to take a back seat to. I don’t mean that no one with anxiety issues should have a child - but he is doing nothing about it. Where is the care for your future child in this? Is he going to be an absent father in this, with him doing nothing practical?

HypoC · 25-02-2021 9:44am

qwerty13 wrote: »

“ what does that mean, about saying mass?

I mean he would have agreed to anything I asked, therapy - anything whether he believed he needed it or not.

qwerty13 wrote: »

If he’s like this now OP, with either delusions or him perceiving himself to be ill, I can only see this getting worse and worse as you both age. As you both get older, so do your parents - so that’s an additional 4 people to worry about. What if they get sick, and need help. Will that all fall on you?

What if either of you get sick. He does not sound equipped to have a relationship, let alone a child who he would have to take a back seat to. I don’t mean that no one with anxiety issues should have a child - but he is doing nothing about it. Where is the care for your future child in this? Is he going to be an absent father in this, with him doing nothing practical?

Yes and this is a real issue for me, we are together over 20 years it's not easy to consider the options of leaving or breaking up, I don't want to be alone at my age, that's not the only reason I am still here by the way, as I said there is an awful lot of good. I am slowly coming around to the realisation that a baby isn't going to happen for us, not least because relations aren't good between us due to this issue but yes i've looked down that road and realised that if he doesn't get help then it wouldn't be fair or right to bring a child into it (even if we could). I genuinely am very scared about the future right now, I was mooching along in life quite happily up until mid-2020, we are best friends apart from anything else and could just be happy together with/without a baby but now I feel like the life i built has dismantled piece by piece and I'm living with a guy that is not my husband, I know that sounds nuts but he's not the same guy.

leggo · 27-02-2021 7:17am

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Someone close to me is similar to your husband and, even with more distance, it can be infuriating to have to bite your tongue and try take seriously another mystery illness that has manifested that doctors can’t find any reason for...all the while there are real issues in their life that they are neglecting that badly need attention.

I think this is one of these issues, unfortunately, where nobody here is going to have a tried and tested inspired piece of advice and some old school direct, blunt communication about the seriousness of the issue, coupled with acceptance on your part, will lead you to wherever you need to be.

Right now you need to accept that this issue is pushing you, and your marriage, to breaking point. It’s **** that this is an otherwise decent person you can have a happy relationship with and it’s **** that this is a psychological condition that’s afflicting him as much as you rather than him being a dick or anything, so it makes it a moral quandary for you. But this is where it’s at. He’s not accepting what the doctors, you and his family are telling him. It’s not like this is something that’ll go away overnight with acceptance, but in the part of this he does have a choice over he’s choosing not to address and treat the actual illness.

So your situation is almost like being with an addict who hasn’t even started dealing with it: you have to make your own decision based on this being your life now with no prospect of it changing because there’s no evidence to say that it will. Sure COVID has made it worse, but it didn’t begin with COVID and if/when we get rid of COVID, that won’t be the end of other illnesses and there’s no guarantee this lung condition he’s imagined will just go away either. He’s communicated to you directly that this is the way it is and what you’ll have to deal with. Listen to him and accept that. This is your foreseeable future without change because he’s frankly refusing to engage in any steps that would lead to change. So approach your options with that, and only that, in mind. Decide what you want from your life basing your decision on the person you’re with, not the person he can be when this isn’t the case...because it is and that’s brought you here.

Then, once you accept that and weigh your options based on the reality of the situation, it’s ‘Come To Jesus Meeting’ time. Tell him straight what you’ve told us and more. Tell him what your alternative will need to be. Then continue to listen to the reality of his response.

It’s either that or this is your life for the foreseeable future, which is what he’s told you already is the case.

Gruffalux · 27-02-2021 8:28am

Just to express my sympathy to you for having to endure this. It is very hard, bewildering, exhausting and above all lonely to love someone with a mental health issue.

He has severe OCD which is manifesting as health preoccupations. Best treatment is CBT from a GOOD therapist and exposure therapy. If he will not do therapy there is very little you can do to help him. He is absolutely jammed into his mental groove.

In the meantime you have to think seriously about yourself. How much more can you take? If he will not get help - and he admits in lucid calm moments that he knows he needs it - then you need to mind yourself and be realistic. Is this what you can tolerate for the rest of your days?

One strong medicine maybe worth trying is overt and super casual acceptance of death from you. At the root of everything is his existential angst and blinding fear of death. When he gets into a funk try saying we all get sick and die sometime, that is life, deal with it.
Shrug off his obsession with death visibly to his face. No more tip toeing around it. No more enabling him. Let the fire smoke, or the dust rise. Tell him if he complains that if his chest kills him so what, something would have to or will do one day anyway. Tell him we all live with the threat of imminent death - what makes him special. Ask him what makes his suffering more important than anyone elses? Tell him to live with his weak chest and his issues just like everyone else alive has to live with existential risk. Tell him casually and matter of fact - not full of empathy and softness.

You might think I am a monster to say that but this is the exact work he needs to do to get to the other side. It is a giant leap past fear of death when it has got a real grip on the consciousness. It is a huge philosophical victory to become a stoic. You would just be showing him repeatedly the way it is done.

Mind yourself.

TP_CM · 27-02-2021 8:43am

I would be interested in taking the other approach for a while to see what would happen. By that I mean to completely drop any fight against this and join him in it. I remember my wife's anxiety drove me crazy at the beginning of her relationship. If it started raining she'd quite urgently put her phone in a plastic sandwich bag in her pocket. Just over the top things like that. After months of it controlling my feelings, I kind of took control of the situation by joining her in it. I took sandwich bags out with me and occassionally refused to do things she wanted because of some irrational fear I had about it. Eventually she saw how frustrating that can be and relaxed herself too.

So maybe put the shoe on the other foot. Join him in it and see what happens when you embrace it with him almost like a positive side to him. Aside from anything it, it will give you a break from fighting it which can be exhausting. Maybe try it for a month?

Does he definitely want a kid yeah? Just sometimes with these OCD/ hypochondriac things, it's because people are feeling a lack of control generally in life, like they're being driven quickly down a road they don't like, and so they find a sense of security/control in getting fixated on things like this that nobody can take from them.

HypoC · 27-02-2021 2:43pm

Guys thank you so much for the considered replies it is genuinely much appreciated, I knew this issue wasn’t one where somebody could just tell me what to do, there are no easy solutions. By way of update, maybe because I put things down here and saw them for myself I let rip this week, I mean I fully let rip & I screamed & shouted & I told him things I had never told him things that I dealt with so as not to stress him out etc. I didn’t stop till everything was said. I told him that he was wasting this lovely life & that at our age we likely won’t be having the children despite best efforts so if the future is just he & I the way he is then I’d rather be on my own. Of course he broke down he cried he apologised he said he might need to speak to somebody. So I let it lie, I’ve heard this before ...... the next day I said do not speak to a therapist or anybody unless you are 100% sure that you feel you should, in other words don’t go because I’m making you. I gave him a clear choice either therapy or back to the doc to explain the full situation and make the doc do all available tests. He thought about it & told me he wants to go back to the doctor..... he still feels that he has an illness. So that’s where we are now.... I’ve told him life won’t be moving on until he gets to the bottom of this with the doctor- our life is on hold now existing as two people in a home until he gets answers. I still know in my heart that this is anxiety I have no doubt whatsoever. I made the appointment for him, and when asked what it was I told them that he thinks he is seriously ill I think he has illness anxiety and we’d like to find out for sure which one it is, she knew immediately what I was saying & said yes he definitely needs to see the doctor. And that’s where we are now.... I will not let this drop now, he will get a definitive answer one way or another and I will settle for nothing less. I’m very very angry but I feel better then I did a week ago which was complete despair... anger is more productive. I’ve also let two close members of the family know what is going on and they have been brilliant. I will update hopefully soon ... it might help somebody else in the same boat. Thanks again guys

Big Bag of Chips · 28-02-2021 11:09am

HypoC, the one thing I would advise you is not to take on the job of organising these appointments for him. You have laid it out now. You have told him you are not willing to live like this. You made the GP appointment for him, fair enough but do not get dragged in to being the one liaising with hospital departments, consultants, radiology, wherever he might be referred in future. Because he will let this become your role. He'll be "too unwell" to make phone calls, or check follow ups etc.

Just to be aware, hospital outpatient appointments and procedures are all on hold at the moment. If his GP sends a referral in to a Respiratory Consultant it is very very likely that the consultant will triage it as 'Routine' rather than 'Urgent'. And the waiting list for a routine appointment could be over 12 months (years!).

Have you private health insurance?

All I'm saying is this is his issue. If he wants to continue seeing doctors, then it's up to him to arrange it. Step back now and let him know that this is it for you.

Purple Mountain · 02-03-2021 2:42am

I would ask to attend the GP appointment with him.
So that you can see exactly what he tells the doctor and if he's leaving out the fact that it's most possibly psychological and not physiological.
What good is it to you both if he goes into the GP and this is prolonged by months again with him going down a rabbit hole of more referrals?
Tell your husband that if he is serious about sorting this and not letting your own life go down the swanny, then you have to attend with him and you will speak up in the appointment if he doesn't reveal the full picture to the GP.

sadie1502 · 02-03-2021 3:13pm

Pure anxiety. I was very the same my mam passed suddenly and It triggered all this anxiety couldn't eat. Always thought I was sick. I wasn't. Went to my Dr explained it all and she put me on anti anxiety medication. I've my life back now. Anxiety gone ailments gone. He needs to speak to his Dr and be honest. Ask can u go in with him. Best of luck. You should maybe show him the thread he isn't alone. Lots of people suffering from anxiety. I was never an anxious person but sometimes something triggers it.

PMC83 · 05-04-2021 8:16pm

I've gone through this (as a person who had really bad health anxiety) and its very important that your partner feels that hes supported, although I understand it becomes very hard to deal. I told my wife and myself that 'it was sorted' on numerous occasions, but it wasn't. When you suffer from health anxiety its all consuming. Everything is out to get you and its very hard to find contentment. Its a big hole and hard to get out of. In my case I was lucky that I had a good doctor and a good partner. My doc explained to me that coming to him every week was just feeding the beast, he gave me some mild anti depressants to take the edge off and most importantly the details of a good CBT counselor. CBT helped immeasurably. Your husband can retrain the way he thinks and the way he looks at the various niggles that upset him. It can be done. It just takes a while. Going to the doctor regularly is just putting a plaster on things, its short term. He needs to talk to someone about it.

The most important thing I was told, (and its a very obvious one), is don't look up illnesses on the internet. Its the absolute worst thing you can do. Make your husband promise he wont do it.

Best of luck

HypoC · 08-04-2021 10:28pm

So, just popping in to update. We’ve been very lucky over the past 4-6 weeks, doc sent him for every possible test including x-rays, breathing tests, even a sleep clinic, all in public system I should add! Anyway results came back clear across the board. Prior to tests doc had referred him to a therapist as he felt there was an anxiety issue at the heart of it. So, I found a therapist & again such luck because he & the therapist just clicked, they talk on zoom once a week & it’s no exaggeration when I say he’s a different guy. He’s going to stick with the therapy for a good while, the first few weeks were tough but he is really starting to see the benefits. The home is much happier, he is just happy in himself, he’s embarrassed but he has accepted responsibility. I don’t think there is a magic cure here but what is good is that this is all on record now, so if/when it raises its head again he will immediately have to deal with the anxiety issue rather than an illness issue. I’m amazed at how quickly all of this was dealt with by the doc & hospital and very very thankful, and thank you to all who took the time to give me advice & just listen really. I feel much better in myself & positive for the first time in a year.

Living with Hypochondria

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