No contact from boyfriend

LegacyUser · 18-02-2021 11:12pm #1

We are together for over two years. We were living together very shortly but ended up moving home due to Covid. Basically, he will go days without texting me or phoning me. The other day he said he would call me but never did. Up until last week I had been meeting up with him to go for a walk or maybe a drive, until I realised he will only go if I suggest it first. The last couple of days I said I would leave him contact me first and I’ve heard nothing apart from him sending me an occasional meme.

I don’t expect him to constantly text me or stay on the phone all day, and I know there isn’t much going with the lockdown (even though thinking back he would be like this anyway). Am I asking for too much for him to just phone for a chat or text just to check in? I have told him before that I would appreciate a little bit of contact, and that I have found the lockdown and living at home again very stressful. Honestly I just think he probably has no interest in me. When we are talking he rarely asks me anything about what’s going on with me, he just goes on about himself.

Am I overthinking this?

(just as I finished typing this he text me asking if I could do him a favour tomorrow)

TheadoreT · 19-02-2021 9:22am

Some people revel in small talk others cant stand it. You say he sends you memes so its probably his way of keeping in contact without getting into the utterly banal how was your day groundhog day conversation that lockdown can bring.
So no contact is a lie. It's just not the type if contact that stops your head spinning about whether he's interested or where he is ect.

It all seems to be coming from an insecurity standpoint of "does he like me" and you dont seem to be questioning arguably the more relevant point of whether he's right for you. If he was like this before covid and sounds a bit Ill motivated in general is that what you want? You communicated your needs to him already and things haven't changed in a way you'd like so its probably time to move on to someone who can fulfil your needs better.

YellowLead · 19-02-2021 11:43am

Lockdown is testing a lot of relationships - for those living together and those living apart.

Was he always pretty inattentive or has this just been since living separately?

I think if you are together two years it’s definitely something you can just talk to him properly about.
If you need more attention from him and he’s not prepared to give it then are you compatible?

Is it just reassurance you are looking for and if you knew he loved you and was still into the relationship would you be okay with the lack of continuous contact?

It could be that he just isn’t into texting and some people have forgotten how to have a normal phone call.

Only way to know is to have a proper chat with him and explain how you feel, see what he says.

LegacyUser · 20-02-2021 11:06pm

Is this out of norm behaviour for him? Would he normally text/call you on a regular basis or was he always limited with his contact?
Some people are just like that, so if it’s the norm for one then I wouldn’t worry too much.
If it’s out of norm behaviour and he normally made contact more and suddenly decreased then check in with him to see if it’s everything ok.
Either scenario, you need to just communicate with him and tell him how you feel and that you’d rather have daily contact with your partner.
I couldn’t imagine not talking to my partner everyday. But that’s just me. Some people would be fine with it.

Xterminator · 21-02-2021 1:29pm

Hi OP

You say lockdown is affecting you & you find it stressful (completely understandable). How does he find it, and how is he coping with the separation? Is work stressful for him at the moment ? Is all well with family etc? Is your relationship going well generally outside of this issue?

His mental state could be low, and he could be struggling with issues of his own, and this is a symptom of it? Was he already like this before lockdown ?

It could be many issues. You have already told him you would like more contact. Its time to communicate that again, and be sure he understands. But make sure you listen as much as you talk, though as if it is hard for you, chances are its hard for him too.

Zebrag · 24-02-2021 9:35am

OP when you lived together was his contact the same? As in barely a text thourought the day and when at home not much of a conversation arises?
Couples living together can go through periods of not having much to talk about. This isn't to say that they don't love each other any less. I've been living with my partner for years and we can go days without actually having a full blown conversation and then we have days we've loads to chat about. It's like a friendship, you can chat everyday for weeks and go months without uttering a word. That doesn't mean the love isn't there. Conversations can dwindle over time. He would ring me on his lunch time for a couple of days and then other days, he wouldn't. That doesn't mean he's ignoring me
However in your circumstances and not living together no with no contact for days on end. I wouldn't be non to pleased either but again, different strokes for different folks.
Would you feel at ease if you arranged a video call every second day or even told him to send a quick text in the evenings to say all is grand?
I don't know the dynamics of your relationship as such but the start of a relationship and further on can change communication as the months and years go on. Again, everyone is different
If it's bothering you to ask for advice, my advice would be to properly speak to him. Don't beat around the bush. Don't hmmm and ahhh about what you should and shouldn't say. Properly speak to him and tell him your thoughts and feelings towards this aspect of the relationship and his demeanor might tell you exactly how he's feeling. Offer ways to keep the conversation flowing. If he gets a bit joyless and unenthusiastic towards you, I think your answer there might be, he's not willing to put much work into keeping the relationship going

The lockdowns have tested the best of relationships and while it might be in favour of some, others have said they've lost all motivation to continue. It's just unfortunate how this lockdown has not only ruined people mentally but relationships of all kinds as well.
Good luck OP

Porklife · 24-02-2021 10:11am

I think the above post says it all really well and the only thing I'd add is...you mention he never asks anything about you and just goes on about himself when you do talk. Is this a relatively new thing or upon reflection was he always like this but because you liked him so much you overlooked it?
Either way it's not a great character trait and it's something id be concerned about.

No again Danni · 24-02-2021 10:12am

Go with your gut here. Have a chat to him. Tell him how you feel and call it quits if his response makes you doubt his feelings about the relationship in any way.

We're going through a global pandemic. He should be checking in with you to make sure you're alright.

horse7 · 24-02-2021 10:16am

I think you should follow your gut feeling and finish the relationship, you can decide whether you want a temporary or permanent closure.

LegacyUser · 24-02-2021 10:58am

Thanks everyone.

He was not always like this. When he was working before COVID he would always call me during lunch etc. He has always gone on about himself though.

I spoke to him and he said that he just doesn’t feel like there is much to talk about as he is just at home most days bored and gets engrossed watching movies and reading. He said he is sorry about it and it’s not intentional and he will make more of an effort. He said too he thought sending memes and stuff was kind of a way of keeping in touch. He also reminded me that prior to this he would always contact me and organise things, which is true. He said that anytime I want to talk I should always feel free to ring him.

I mentioned too that he is inclined to go on about himself. He apologised for that too, and said he doesn’t notice himself and he will try not to. He said if he is talking too much about himself just let him know.

Since I spoke to him he’s been in contact more and we went for a walk yesterday evening so maybe he just needed a little push!

BuCkoTroN · 24-02-2021 11:32am

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

His mental state could be low, and he could be struggling with issues of his own, and this is a symptom of it? Was he already like this before lockdown ?

You aren't asking too much at all, it's not a healthy behaviour in a relationship.

This could be a possibility, I suffer with depression at times where I find small talk, texting or having a full blown conversation is daunting and mentally exhausting.

Perhaps he could be dealing with some mental health setbacks.

Have a chat with him and get his side first before you come to any conclusions.

No contact from boyfriend

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