Crush on guy

LegacyUser · 08-02-2021 10:37pm #1

Hey people. Just looking for advice.
I haven’t had a great track record with dating men and never had a relationship, no matter how hard I tried, it just hasn’t happened and I keep choosing the wrong men who have treated me badly..
I was dating a lot last year from the apps and was burned by one guy in particular who had his own issues but treated me horribly, gaslit me and then ghosted me.
It took a toll on my mental health etc but I sought help for it and feel better in myself.

I started working with someone and I started to fancy him.
I know he’s single, my type and we get along and laugh a lot. I would of thought there was an attraction between us but my experiences in the past haven’t been the best and I don’t want to be hurt again. The last experience had such a negative effect on me, I didn’t trust myself or my perceptions of dates/ interactions with men, for example : feeling there was a connection and they say one thing and do another/ mess me around etc.
But I also want to live life and get out there too !!
I just don’t want to leave myself wide open to being hurt etc again as I’ve only started to get my confidence back in the last month or two...

Any advice?
Is this a situation where you would build a friendship etc?? Again, don’t have much experience.. thanks

Rubberchikken · 09-02-2021 4:58am

Keep interacting with him.
Get to know him as a friend and co worker and see where it goes.
Don't rush into anything.

LegacyUser · 09-02-2021 8:27am

Just to clarify for context- it’s the first time in a long time I’ve met and gotten along with someone organically/ in person, rather than from the apps.
And when I say “my type” I mean the man I would actually fancy. The men I’ve dated would have “fancied me” and I would of gone along with it because of how they felt and not how I felt and I wouldn’t of even fancied them at the start (personality or looks). It was purely just to date someone which is why I left myself open to being mistreated.

bitofabind · 09-02-2021 12:27pm

You're projecting all of your negative past experiences onto this new guy. Which is completely irrational but also totally human. We do this because it feels safe somehow, like if I don't put myself out there again I can't get hurt again.

In reality, the net result of not putting yourself out there is staying stagnant, meeting no-one and developing irrational fears about everything.

This is a new guy and a new situation. He might be a friend, he might be more. He might be the love of your life or it might be awkward and uncomfortable if he doesn't fancy you back. Either way, nobody dies. We can get anything from hurt to devastated romantically and still nobody dies. This isn't a life or death situation. Feelings don't kill you. But they're necessary to get what you want in life.

Hang out with him more. Stay friendly, be proactive. See what happens or doesn't happen. And keep these internal stories you're telling yourself in check. He's a brand new guy.

Potatoeman · 09-02-2021 2:59pm

Girlnousername987 wrote: »

Just to clarify for context- it’s the first time in a long time I’ve met and gotten along with someone organically/ in person, rather than from the apps.
And when I say “my type” I mean the man I would actually fancy. The men I’ve dated would have “fancied me” and I would of gone along with it because of how they felt and not how I felt and I wouldn’t of even fancied them at the start (personality or looks). It was purely just to date someone which is why I left myself open to being mistreated.

Guys know if a girl isn’t that interested and it will influence how they treat you. It’s unusual that you dated so many guys like this. Do you think you were objectively better looking? Maybe ask a friend that knows your ex boyfriends. Do you approach guys you’re interested in?

1hnr79jr65 · 09-02-2021 4:08pm

Op, there is no harm is taking a chance on seeing if this chap is interested in dating you, there will always be risks with dating as it takes time to really get to know someone. However you also need to be prepared that while your working relationship is good, he may reject a relationship outside of work and could potentially cool off your working dynamic.

If you still have concerns about your mental health, then maybe it would be worth working on yourself further until you in a "sure" place to make that leap with confidence.

LegacyUser · 09-02-2021 5:26pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Guys know if a girl isn’t that interested and it will influence how they treat you. It’s unusual that you dated so many guys like this. Do you think you were objectively better looking? Maybe ask a friend that knows your ex boyfriends. Do you approach guys you’re interested in?

I didn’t mean to come across that way.
Well I have dated men I wouldn’t look twice at or be attracted to (not my type) if we were out in real life or in a bar. And I’m not thinking of just looks here, though that’s important in attraction. I’m thinking of their confidence, how they carry themselves, how they act etc.
The men I dated I wouldn’t have anything in common with them only for the fact we matched, were both heterosexual and single and from nearby. I do find a lot of them put up a facade.
For example I am a self starter, quite proactive and fit/healthy. I have dated a lot of the opposite of that - men who are lazy (late to dates and work, not clean, don’t get up until afternoon etc) and don’t look after themselves or drink too much/smoke etc. At the start they hide it but it always comes to the surface. A lot of them have told me what they think I want to hear in order to date me and since I badly wanted to date someone, I go along despite being incompatible.
Now after dating a few of them, I can see how they all follow the same trend on apps and just play along in order to try and get on dates or meet up and majority of them are not genuine people. So I’m off the apps now.

The guys I am truly interested in and would have things in common with - I don’t pursue them because I’m not sure how to so I let opportunities pass me by and they usually find someone else.

YellowLead · 09-02-2021 5:59pm

Hi OP,

That kind of behaviour - dating guys you aren’t attracted to for the sake of it doesn’t sound like somebody who is a self starter etc.

Imagine you heard about a guy who went along with dating women he wasn’t into, though he was convinced they were into him. Would you want to date that guy??? I think not - he would seem weak.
So even if you are ceasing this behaviour you have to acknowledge your own role in your lack of previous success before you can hope to have better experiences.

With this co worker just to give it time and see if anything develops. If you flirt does he flirt back?
If a guy likes you, you’ll usually know.
Sometimes it’s just great to have friends in work regardless of gender so I wouldn’t make any moves unless you were certain.

Mad_maxx · 10-02-2021 11:43am

Potatoeman wrote: »

Guys know if a girl isn’t that interested and it will influence how they treat you. It’s unusual that you dated so many guys like this. Do you think you were objectively better looking? Maybe ask a friend that knows your ex boyfriends. Do you approach guys you’re interested in?

Guys are hopeless at knowing if a girl is interested

Potatoeman · 10-02-2021 12:40pm

Girlsusername987 wrote: »

I didn’t mean to come across that way.
Well I have dated men I wouldn’t look twice at or be attracted to (not my type) if we were out in real life or in a bar. And I’m not thinking of just looks here, though that’s important in attraction. I’m thinking of their confidence, how they carry themselves, how they act etc.
The men I dated I wouldn’t have anything in common with them only for the fact we matched, were both heterosexual and single and from nearby. I do find a lot of them put up a facade.
For example I am a self starter, quite proactive and fit/healthy. I have dated a lot of the opposite of that - men who are lazy (late to dates and work, not clean, don’t get up until afternoon etc) and don’t look after themselves or drink too much/smoke etc. At the start they hide it but it always comes to the surface. A lot of them have told me what they think I want to hear in order to date me and since I badly wanted to date someone, I go along despite being incompatible.
Now after dating a few of them, I can see how they all follow the same trend on apps and just play along in order to try and get on dates or meet up and majority of them are not genuine people. So I’m off the apps now.

The guys I am truly interested in and would have things in common with - I don’t pursue them because I’m not sure how to so I let opportunities pass me by and they usually find someone else.

That’s just dating apps. You meet up and see how things go, you should spot things soon enough.

Guys don’t always know if a girl is being nice or is interested. At work there is the risk that things getting awkward, even at social clubs.

On dating apps the numbers are completely against men so they will match with everyone then unmatch the ones they are not interested in or after reading their profile. Women see these as time wasters but why would a guy read every profile when he won’t match with most of them. Women do this too but not as much as guys. You will notice soon enough if they are not who they say they are.

Potatoeman · 10-02-2021 12:42pm

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Guys are hopeless at knowing if a girl is interested

Guys don’t always pick up on hints and signals but if the girl is making little effort it will be noticed soon enough.

Xterminator · 10-02-2021 12:58pm

nope if a girl asks the guy out on a date, then he notices.

if she hints, swishes her hair, tells him someone has asked her out on a date, asks if she looks nice etc, it can go right over his head!

YellowLead · 10-02-2021 1:00pm

Surely if a guy likes a girl he makes it known - women are better at picking up on these things! I know not every guy has the confidence to make the first move but surely it’s easy enough to spot. But just being friendly in work isn’t enough to go on - I mean is this virtual OP or are you working together in person?

Mad_maxx · 10-02-2021 2:01pm

Xterminator wrote: »

nope if a girl asks the guy out on a date, then he notices.

if she hints, swishes her hair, tells him someone has asked her out on a date, asks if she looks nice etc, it can go right over his head!

a girl - woman can do all of those things and still not be interested in the guy standing in front of her

Xterminator · 10-02-2021 2:46pm

i never suggested otherwise. It is actually because you are correct, IE someone dropping hints does not mean they are certainly interested, that shy partners/ those who have been mistaken before, etc will not act on the hints even if they notice them.

Hence for the ladies who are interested to rely on hints, and other subterfuge is childish, and can be counterproductive.

Also it is my experience many many men dont even see the 'hints'.

LegacyUser · 10-02-2021 6:15pm

YellowLead wrote: »

Surely if a guy likes a girl he makes it known - women are better at picking up on these things! I know not every guy has the confidence to make the first move but surely it’s easy enough to spot. But just being friendly in work isn’t enough to go on - I mean is this virtual OP or are you working together in person?

Not virtual. In person :-)

Yeah I never know if a man likes me in real life.
On the apps, they swipe and the awkward part is over so to speak but I’ve had awful experiences so I’m steering clear of them.
The men I meet in real life seem some what interested but hesitant and nothing happens...compared to before where you’d have the aul night out etc and everyone is relaxed.

bitofabind · 11-02-2021 11:54am

You describe yourself as proactive and a self-starter, while taking a fairly passive approach to your love life in general. You're dating anyone that shows a vague bit of interest in you regardless of whether you're actually attracted to them or not and sitting by as the guys you actually like float in and out of your life. Does that sound proactive and self-starting?

It's grand to want to meet someone. It's not grand to be so desperate to meet someone that you set a low bar for who gets access to your life - i.e they swipe on you on a dating app - and completely swerve the men that you actually are interested in. That's a lack of boundaries and self respect on your part; and mixed messages to the men you're dating.

Being proactive and self-starting with men means signalling clearly that you're interested in the ones you're interested in i.e flirting, sussing out if they're single and asking them out. And on the flip side, having clear boundaries with who you date and who you don't date. I'm not single anymore but had the same experience with the apps when I was, and came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to waste my precious time unless I saw effort, kindness, commitment and similar values fairly soon into dating someone. That's not a laundry list of things he needs to be vs not be, but a general vibe I'd get fairly swiftly into chatting or meeting with someone. Am I attracted to him, is he an adult man or a man child, is he emotionally intelligent.

Set some boundaries. Not a list: but expectations of someone you're going to devote time to, be it for one date or a series of dates. Trust your instincts. And take it as a given that men you're into won't walk right up and tell you they fancy you and ask you out, because we don't live in a culture where men do that. So what now? What can you do to overcome that?

LegacyUser · 11-02-2021 10:19pm

I suppose I’m more proactive in other areas of my life but you’re right- with regards to dating, I fail.
And yes, men who would be a good fit, float in and out of my life because I let it pass me by too afraid to make my feelings known or look desperate if I was direct and took action. This is years of listening to my mother, friends, dating articles etc.. there’s so much “do this not that” “play it cool” “let him be the man” out there, it’s hard to know what way to make it happen so I settle for people who I’m not attracted to and end up more disappointed when that doesn’t work either.
I don’t want to miss out but I find the whole entire prospect of dating and getting the man I want impossible and overwhelming.

Not to feel sorry for myself here but it just seems so easy for other women. To find or be pursued by a man and to find a relationship. Leads to feelings of feeling abnormal or as if there’s something wrong with me.
I feel like I get the crumbs from the table I.e being treated badly, little to no effort from certain men on dates etc.
Do I pursue the man I actually want, do I flirt, do I say it straight etc how do I actually make it happen..

bitofabind · 12-02-2021 1:24pm

You have low self esteem and that's at the crux of all of this. If you valued yourself and your life as it is right now, those feelings of panic and lacking and insecurity and overwhelm at the whole dating predicament wouldn't be there. But when you have low self esteem, you don't look inward for what you need - you look externally for validation, be it with relationships and male attention, work success, material things. That game is rigged OP because you will never be "enough" when that sense of validation is coming from outside things.

I spent a long time single and felt like you do for a while. The "why is it easier for other women", "there's something wrong with me", "why are the guys I like never into me." I got bored of dating men that I wasn't even choosing and never being "enough", and I knew that something wasn't adding up. I started investing all of that wasted dating energy into myself instead and started doing therapy. Sometimes you have to step back from the painting to see the bigger picture and I started unpacking a lot of "whys" as to how I felt about myself and how I had been dating and living my life to that point. Letting other people dictate how I felt about myself. Repeating destructive patterns instead of learning how to self soothe and support myself. The natural need to meet someone / anyone melted away. Didn't date for the guts of a year, it just seemed less interesting to me than understanding myself and changing how I felt about myself.

When you go from a mindset of feeling "not enough" / lacking or "broken" to hey, I'm a pretty great person and I've been that all along, now it's time to start prioritising what I need and deserve, everything changes. Including the way you date. It's no coincidence that I met my partner when the way I looked at myself changed, and I also didn't care about meeting anyone or worry about the "timelines" or "dating rules" or any of that. The "how" was probably a lot of things, including luck, timing, not leading with fear and defence but more of a general comfort and assurance in who I was. Real intimacy and vulnerability doesn't seem so hard when you really value and trust yourself.

I'm afraid there's no quick fix to finding the right partner. But what we can establish is you're in a negative pattern and can't see the wood for the trees. So my advice would be, take the power back. Get to know yourself. Who are you, really? What is it that you need? Why is it easy to ignore your instincts with men and abandon yourself and what's right for you? Are you willing to take a step back and build up your self-worth a little here, so you can take a different approach when you're feeling a bit stronger? And if not, why not?

Crush on guy

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