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Getting Over Bullying

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  • 18-02-2019 3:06pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi everyone,

    not sure what I am looking for here to be honest...

    I had a job for 4 years before my current role. The last job I had was incredibly stressful and I was bullied quite badly and passive aggressively by my then line manager. Since then, I have a job I now love with a team I get on with socially and professionally. It is literally night and then.

    I have been in my new role for nearly two years but I can't help but think back at what happened and the things I allowed to happen in that other role. My boss made me cry at one point on front of her and another colleague. I never recorded what had happen but could give examples to anyone. Though the details are a bit more vague now...

    What is bothering me is that I never reported it to HR or to the CEO. I feel that this person has the ability to bully anyone. I want justice and to contact them quietly and/or anonymously. I don't really know what I want but I feel like I need to do something about it as I am in such a better place now. I just want to feel like I actioned against her... I don't know. Every day I think about her and the job. I love my new role but I can't help but think about it and it has gotten me down.

    Thoughts?


Comments

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    #2
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,719 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    i think you need to separate your personal feelings, from your career.

    i think you need to see a counsellor and talk over your feelings, and perhaps work on your self esteem, as well as resolving to be more assertive, stand up for yourself, and resolve to take action if something similar every happens to you again. It appears to have deeply affected you and you need to worm through that.

    Career wise you could have a chat with HR informally and advise of the problems you experienced. If others have told them the same it could help them make a decision on that persons future, especially if another complaint is ever made.

    However if you wanted to make a formal complaint, 2 years after the fact, with some of the witnesses having moved on, & the issue vague in their memory, then that doesn't seem like it would be a wise move IMO. Now if their behaviour was particularly egregious to the then perhaps it would be justified, but im going on what you wrote above.


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    #3
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    youve experienced some awful treatment from someone who shouldnt have treated you that way but you've moved on, changed job and are getting on with good colleagues so you need to learn to leave this person and their behaviour behind.

    maybe talking things through with a counsellor would help.
    bear in mind, you had the strength and sense to get away from a toxic person. they dont deserve to be taking up any part if your memory.
    good luck


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    #4
    Mackleton
    Registered Users Posts: 644 ✭✭✭Mackleton


    Hi OP,

    Really sorry to hear your story, a lot of what you said resonated with me, and it is something that takes a long time to get over. I still think about it argue with myself about what I should or shouldn't have done.

    I personally disagree with other posters about contacting this person's manager or the head of the company (particularly if they are still working there), for two reasons:

    1. Your own sense of closure/catharsis (the main point of this exercise)
    2. Companies can only change what they are aware of, and they deserve to know if an employee is being/has been victimised in their workplace, you may raise awareness about bullying that leads to an employee workshop for example. You can't know the good it might do.

    I've posted a very similar reply just now (in full - https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057947936) to another thread here about this very point in particular, but to summarise, I spoke to a close friend working in HR around the time I left that job and she gave me a piece of advice that stuck with me:

    There is no statute of limitations on airing your grievances.

    I would assume at this point you are not expecting any kind of retribution against this person, which practically speaking, is unlikely anyway, but for your own sense of closure, that is something else entirely.
    To feel you have been heard and said your piece about the situation without anyone gainsaying or interrupting you, that is a powerful piece of self healing.
    There is something very cleansing about taking the time to carefully articulate and script your 'response' to this person, detailing the damage done and the effect it had on you and just sending it out into the universe, it does help you let go.

    If you know who to contact and can do so directly, then I would certainly do so. Ultimately you can add contact details or not, and what harm will it do you now in any case?

    As the saying goes, better late than never.
    Best of luck!


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    #5
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Hi OP

    I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. I had a very similar experience in my old job - time and again I made the store manager aware of how my manager was treating me but nothing was ever done about it. I ended up leaving after 8 years there and I was bitter about it for a long time... but it definitely made me a tougher person.

    There's no point in bringing it up now with that company's HR at this point. You will never find out if anything is done about it and its unlikely they will say anything to that manager about a complaint from a past employee, especially if it's a small company.

    In spite of what they say themselves, the reason HR exists is to protect the company, first and foremost - if you're gone, any bad treatment you recieved is no longer a liability to them and they will probably not listen.

    Whatever you do about it, I don't think reporting that manager now will make you feel better about it so if I were you I would try to let it go.


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    #6
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I don't have any faith in HR when it comes to dealing with bullying either. I've come to this opinion through working in an office where there was a bullying problem and from what friends have told me about their workplaces. It pains me to say it because I'm of the belief that there should be a special place in Hell for workplace bullies. As Wiggle has already said, HR is there to protect management. There is no guarantee that this problem would've been dealt with to your satisfaction if you had made a complaint. Now that you've left, you have no dog in this fight I'm afraid. An anonymous tip-off is unlikely to be taken seriously at all and I doubt a quiet, informal complaint will be much better. Dealing with something like bullying is a pain in the hoop for HR and they're not going to have the appetite to pursue this. Especially on behalf of someone who left without making a complaint.


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    #7
    Mackleton
    Registered Users Posts: 644 ✭✭✭Mackleton


    I think the OP is aware that any contact they make isn't necessarily going to result in anything happening, they simply want to get this weight off their chest, which ultimately is entirely their choice.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all

    Sorry, I wanted to reply a few times but wanted to have a think first.

    I don’t think I need counselling or a counsellor to get over this. I actually already have one but I would t go back to him to discuss this.. I was more venting to be honest.

    I contacted HR to ask was the usual contact still working there (the HR manager who I know). She is and I could call her to discuss but not sure again if I should. My current work place has connections to my old company and I don’t want things to get awkward but not sure how to move forward. This is also the case in terms of social media where they are still connected to me on it... and I’m not sure why and am afraid to block and delete in case it’s awkward at a meeting in the future.

    For some reason today I’m ruminating on what happened... and remembering other things like when I called in sick and was asked on my sick day to go to collect equipment miles away.. or when I was given out to like a child in front of a room full of people.. or when I wasn’t invited to a night out.. etc etc etc etc.

    A woman who also worked with us and left shortly before me called me after I got the offer for the current role and pretty much had the same issues. This included one incident where she found out her mother had died at a meeting and left and the manager continued the meeting with a slight smirk!!! I wouldn’t mind but this particular person has been promoted to an even higher role in the company... it just makes me really annoyed and angry. I loved the role and feel like I wouldn have stayed there for years if I had had the support of my manager.


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    #9
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    That person sounds horrible. You are better off with zero contact with that situation. If you report, and your new job has connections to that job, I think you are just creating more worry for yourself. You'll always wonder if it will work its way back, for as long as you are in that particular industry. Because you will never know if it's been acted on.

    Disciplinary procedures are internal and private, so even if it's acted on, you will never know.

    Can I ask, what do you hope will happen if you contact them? I don't mean that rhetorically. I mean what do you actually imagine happening when you think about reporting it?

    If anonymity is an issue, it is very likely they will put the pieces together and know it was you reporting them.

    If this is something you feel you really need to do, then you may as well do it, but I really don't think it will ever make it as far as her. HR are not going to rock the boat over someone who no longer works there.


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    #10
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 8,047 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    You have received some great advice here and I hope things are better.

    One thing I thought I would mention because it struck me was your comment about how you get on so well with your current team both professionally and socially. Now if the socially aspect is going for a few beers after a week to wind down then brilliant but if you are building friendships with work colleagues then I would be concerned about that.

    You have been through so much in your previous role that has affected you. Is it possible that you place a lot of stock in making amends and making sure everything is good in your current role. I believe that work colleagues can never really be friends (save very rare circumstances). It could set you back if something negative happened with a work friend. I hope I’m wrong but it is something to think about.


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    #11
    banoffe2
    Registered Users Posts: 421 ✭✭banoffe2


    Hi OP
    Its a horrible feeling to know that someone has treated you and others so badly and has got away with it and probably continues to do so.
    Its like a feeling of powerlessness and also that the person who bullied you and another colleague got away with it, resulting in you both having to leave jobs that you loved after much distress and probably some sleepless nights.

    The fact that you loved the role is even more annoy and of course it leaves a bad taste and unfinished business .

    While HR and anti bullying policies are there to deal with this there is no guarantee that they will or that they will be supportive to you in resolving the issue/s. I have seen this many a time.

    I have been bullied in the workplace also and left after 7 years, it was a v small company and no HR- our paths no longer cross and if I saw this person now I wouldn't acknowledge them, don't know if this is wrong or right but know its right for me, I stood up for myself along the way and that was good for me but of course there were consequences, example I was taken off phones and left with all admin with no variety.

    The day I was leaving the person in question tried to shake hands with me 3 times but I kept my hands busy as no way was I going to shake the hand of someone whose behavior cause me a lot of stress, there was lots I could have said but knew the person was incapable of listening as he was so arrogant and self righteous, I smiled and held my head up high and that gave me tremendous satisfaction and healing!! They were disappointed I was leaving as I brought a lot to the company and they were constantly complimented on this by other service users, they didn't even try to hold on to me as they knew themselves they had gone a step too far.

    Like yourself I love my work environment now and feel respected and valued, I love going to work every day I don't know myself I am a new woman.

    There is no wrong or right answer or response to this one imo, the fact that you still have some connection to this person and the company from a distance, ( could this create problems for your in your present work place if you go to their HR regarding your grievance? )

    On reflection what if anything would you have changed if you were to re wind the clock for example when you were asked to drive miles to collect something when you were off sick from work? If you got an opportunity and came face to face with this person on the street or elsewhere what would you do? or how do you think you might react? Have you written the letter to her and not posted it as a means of letting go of the hurt and anger exercise? I found this helped me but I wrote a few!!
    By the way thanks for sharing and keep in touch with us I wish you healing and peace.


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