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Feel Unloved should I leave

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  • 27-05-2016 12:13am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Living with a man for the last five years. The last couple of years things have been getting worse. He does not show me affection, no kissing, no touching, no foreplay before sex or holding me after. I am lonely and very sad. If I ask him does I care he says of course but honestly he shows the dog more affection than me.
    The trouble is I am broke. My job is bad and I cannot afford to get a deposit together for a new place.
    There is a box room in the house. Will I just move into that? Or should I just bite the bullet, borrow from somebody and leave?


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    #2
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Can you look for a new job? Or take on a second job to supplement your income? I think getting some money together in order to facilitate a move would be the best move. Moving into the spare room wouldn't be a good move.


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    #3
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    It depends whether the house is jointly owned or perhaps it's rented? Nobody should have to live like that, so I agree that moving to the box room would be a bad move.. Personally as long as your not leaving a house that you are paying a mortgage on then I'd borrow and move on away from the situation..


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It is a rented house.

    It is a second relationship for me and I suppose I just didn't want it to be a failure.
    Why is moving into the box room such a bad idea?


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    #5
    silverharp
    Registered Users Posts: 17,849 ✭✭✭✭silverharp


    Thinkingofleaving wrote: »
    Why is moving into the box room such a bad idea?

    what do you expect to happen? you are not married and I assume you dont have kids. It would seem odd for him to just want to revert to being flat mates? it seems like either you sort out your issues or if you dont end it he will.

    A belief in gender identity involves a level of faith as there is nothing tangible to prove its existence which, as something divorced from the physical body, is similar to the idea of a soul. - Colette Colfer



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    #6
    ChampagnePop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 501 ✭✭✭ChampagnePop


    IMO have a talk and either break up or not, if you break up then obviously use the box room until you move out, but make moving out a top priority.

    Staying in loveless relationship is failure, not being single.


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    #7
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,790 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Are you going to move to the box room in the hope that he'll notice and suddenly become attentive? Or will you be moving with the intention of your relationship being over and you will leave the house as soon as you can afford to? If it's to get his attention, I suggest you try talk to him first. Tell him how you feel, and make him hear it. He may be listening to you without actually hearing what you are saying. Would couples counselling be an option for you? Some relationships stale after time, and it is up to both people to make the effort and keep the relationship interesting.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have tried talking to him. He gives me short one word answers that make me feel like a nag.
    Moving into the box room was just till I get money together to move. It's soul destroying lying beside someone night after night who never wants to kiss or hold you but who will sometimes look for sex without any kissing or touching.
    Getting money together is not as simple as it seems. I already owe two relatives money, have a bank loan (soon finished thankfully) and I owe a money lender (payments finished in August)
    I promised myself I wouldn't go back to the money lender again but if I got a loan that would give me enough for deposit and month's rent.


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    #9
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,790 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If you're clearing off your bank loan you might be able to top it up. Do not go back to a money lender.
    Are you paying rent where you are? Could you move into a house share with similar rent? Would you be due your deposit back?


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    #10
    Jimmy Bottlehead
    Registered Users Posts: 10,118 ✭✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    Thinkingofleaving wrote: »
    I have tried talking to him. He gives me short one word answers that make me feel like a nag.
    Moving into the box room was just till I get money together to move. It's soul destroying lying beside someone night after night who never wants to kiss or hold you but who will sometimes look for sex without any kissing or touching.
    Getting money together is not as simple as it seems. I already owe two relatives money, have a bank loan (soon finished thankfully) and I owe a money lender (payments finished in August)
    I promised myself I wouldn't go back to the money lender again but if I got a loan that would give me enough for deposit and month's rent.

    How do you owe so much money at present?


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    #11
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    Thinkingofleaving wrote: »
    Why is moving into the box room such a bad idea?
    Thinkingofleaving wrote: »
    I have tried talking to him. He gives me short one word answers that make me feel like a nag.
    Moving into the box room was just till I get money together to move. It's soul destroying lying beside someone night after night who never wants to kiss or hold you but who will sometimes look for sex without any kissing or touching.

    see, the question here is also, why do you let this man do this to you? he obviously doesn't love and surely doesn't respect you. he's using you for his physical needs and you let him.

    so firstly, make it very clear to him you won't have sex with him anymore.

    secondly, why do you have to move into the box room? he can move there too, he's the one who's behaving like a scumb**, so why should you suffer? Ask him to move into the box room, you can't stand him anymore and start looking for a new place.

    It mind sound harsh, but I write this, because I would like to help you in opening your eyes how you let yourself be treated. Because if you don't learn to stand up for yourself, don't speak up/set boundaries but hide in box rooms, it will most probably happen in your next relationship again.


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    #12
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    tara73 wrote: »
    ...he's the one who's behaving like a scumb**

    Huh? This guy thinks he is in a relationship, a crappy relationship true, but how is he being a scumbag for wanting sex the odd time in his relationship? I think that it a very unfair slur on the guy who is probably no worse than just plain old disinterested.

    The OP is the person who wants to leave the relationship so I think she should move into the box room and say that there is no more sex as there is no more relationship.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thinkingofleaving wrote: »
    I promised myself I wouldn't go back to the money lender again but if I got a loan that would give me enough for deposit and month's rent.

    It would financially disempower you further. You don't just need the deposit, you need to be able to pay the rent when you find somewhere. Also, getting yourself into those kinds of difficult to escape debts is part of the reason for your current relationship unhappiness, you feel trapped, he knows it, he takes advantage, you feel trapped.....and around you go.

    Aside from the practicalities of how you'll make your exit, you mention that you're reluctant to leave because it's a second relationship. That has to be one of the worst possible reasons for staying in any situation. You actually care more about what other people think of how many relationships you've had or will have than you care about your own welfare in the relationships. Think about that and ask yourself is it a good enough reason to stay. Longer term, think about getting some counselling to address the fact that your self-esteem issues are keeping you somewhere you're feeling miserable and used. In the short-term, besides being a bad reason, it's also a non-existent one, because all those people who's opinions you're worried about couldn't really give a **** what you do and the people who do care about you will just be happy that you're getting out of a bad situation, they'll be happy to see you in as many relationships as it takes to get it right.


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    #14
    Clampdown
    Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Clampdown


    You mentioned you have relatives that lent you money, could you talk to them about what you are going through and see if they could take you in until you get on your feet?

    I was in a similar situation, was too embarrassed to move back home with my Mother but I had no work at all and so it was the only option. Staying in a bad relationship for financial reasons is soul destroying, get out any way you can!


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