Breakup with live in girlfriend of 3 years

LegacyUser · 20-05-2016 11:12pm #1

Hey guys,

I don't know how to start. A bit of background.
I've been with my girlfriend 3 years now. Shes a great girl and I love her but I'm not sure if I'm in love with her anymore. We've lived together for the last year and just moved into a new place a few months ago. We've bought furniture together and have a dog and hamster. We were friends for a long time and sort of accidentally ended up together(romantic I know).

For the last few weeks I just havent been happy. I'm in my early twenties and just think we want different things. She mentions marriage and kids in the future and I dont even know if I want either. I feel like I can't go out with my friends more than once a week or she gets moody and says I never spend time with her. I don't like when she comes on nights out as I know she'll want to go home early and make me come home too, or get mad at me cause I want to stay or she'll sit quietly not talking until I ask her if she wants to go. Her idea of a good day is going window shopping for a day and if i don't want to shes not happy again.

She says I never bring her out when we're off together(we work different shifts in our respective jobs) but i'll suggest something, she'll shoot it down and not suggest anything herself or just want to go walk around shops all day.
She'll be mad and not tell me why for days then bring it up at the most inconvenient time or she'll expect me to do something/want something and not tell me until I already havent done it and then be upset with me.

My friends tell me I am THE whipped bf. I rarely make plans without letting her know first. I don't even know why I just don't wanna listen in case it pisses her off. I never make plans on days we're both off cause I know she'll get mad even though we have no plans together. She just seems to think I always choose my friends over her and doesn't realize i miss tonnes of events just to sit at home with her. She rarely goes out with her own friends. She quit drinking a few months after we got together. Not because she had a problem she just doesn't enjoy going out as much.

I spend every hour not at work with her except when I go out once every two weeks or so. But this doesn't count as spending time together in her eyes. And it's gotten to the point where we don't have much to say to each other, other than daily news.

Our sex life isnt great. we're like an old married couple and cant be bothered half the time.

I'm painting a very bad picture here. We have a ton in common and are best friends, we tell each other everything. She gets on with my friends and I with hers. She's always there when I need her and is very supportive. I think we just moved very fast at the start of the relationship.

So basically she's my first long term gf. I love her and she loves me. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if i break up with her I'll regret it. For all the bad stuff I've said there's loads of good stuff. She wants to be an old married couple and I want to just have a life and have fun. If i break up with her it'll come out of nowhere for her and she'll be so hurt. I don't even know what to think about the house, bills, pets etc... any advice is appreciated. I've never broken up with anyone before and I just don't know...

DeltaWhite · 21-05-2016 10:20am

I'm female OP, and I have to say if you were my brother, friend, whatever - I would tell you to run a mile. My best friend is the exact same as your gf. It's actually scary how similar they are, and I feel so sorry for her bf because of the hell she puts him through. He's too afraid to say anything to her because she turns into a banshee in arguments.

He spends every single waking minute with her when he's not at work, and then she is just annoyed at him the whole time when he comes home, they do nothing together. So he lives in misery every single day. I do not know how he stays with her, or why. That is not happiness or "love" it really isn't. She starts fights with him every eve if he hasn't left work, he has a very demanding job and never finishes on time, so if she finds out that he hasn't left work when he's supposed to, she flips out at him. Don't even get me started on what she's like when he goes out once in a blue moon for drinks with his friends.

The unfortunate thing for me is, no matter how much I tell her she is being horrible to someone she claims to love, she never ever thinks she's in the wrong. So I don't get involved anymore, just pity her bf.

Read the above and ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be? If I was with a guy who was like that and I had posted here, I'd be getting responses that he's putting me through emotional abuse. If she is miserable in herself, that is absolutely no reason to drag you down into it. Have you ever actually sat down with her and told exactly how she is making you feel? Keeping tabs on you because she's at home sat on her hole doing nothing? Maybe that's the first step before you think about breaking up. If she had her own hobbies/things to do, I don't think she would be breathing down your neck everyday.

One last thing - you are your own man, stop checking with her before you make plans, she does not own you.

Sunflower 27 · 21-05-2016 10:30am

Hi Op

You are both responsible for this situation. I don't think it is about apportioning blame. You enabled the 'whipping' so to speak.

If you want out, or feel you do, then you need to sit her down and tell her gently what you have said here. Marriage and children is a deal breaker for many.

Personally, I would not want to settle in a relationship and it seems as if that is what you are doing. Some people are ok with this, but it appears you want different things.

Be clear when you tell her how you feel. It is easier in the short -term to sugarcoat it, but it will make things more confusing and drawn-out in the long term.

Ask yourself what you want from your life. If this woman isn't it, then you are entitled to leave the relationship and not feel guilty for doing so.

I wish you the best going forward ðŸ˜႒

Ursus Horribilis · 21-05-2016 11:01am

Look, I know that breaking up with someone you care deeply about is a horrendous thing to do. It's messier still when you've moved in together. But from what I've read here, breaking up would be the kindest thing to do for the both of you.

You've been with her since you were very young. There's a good reason why most people don't end up forever with the person they loved at 19 or 20. Often the person you were at that age isn't the person you'll be in a few years time. As you said yourself, this is a relationship that you more or less drifted into. They say that if you want to know someone, come live with them. My guess is that moving in with her, combined with her talk of marriage and kids, have finally made you think critically about your relationship.

It looks like you've "settled" and that's not a good thing. Already there are enough ingredients in place here to suggest you're not going to be happy into the future. Your gut is screaming at you that this is wrong - you should listen to it. There will never be a good time to break it off with her and I can tell you right now that the longer you leave it, the harder it will get.

Pawwed Rig · 21-05-2016 11:12am

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

You are both responsible for this situation. I don't think it is about apportioning blame. You enabled the 'whipping' so to speak.

This just victim blaming. If she was hitting him would he still be enabling the situation? How about if he was punching her?? If this was a woman talking about her boyfriend there would already be 10 mentions of spousal abuse.

OP you have moved too fast here by moving in together. You should be enjoying your life, not fearing repercussions of any action you make. This will not change and do you really need this for the next 60 years. Get out now before children complicate matters.

21-05-2016 11:18am

advice any advice wrote: »

Hey guys,

I don't know how to start. A bit of background.
I've been with my girlfriend 3 years now. Shes a great girl and I love her but I'm not sure if I'm in love with her anymore. We've lived together for the last year and just moved into a new place a few months ago. We've bought furniture together and have a dog and hamster. We were friends for a long time and sort of accidentally ended up together(romantic I know).

For the last few weeks I just havent been happy. I'm in my early twenties and just think we want different things. She mentions marriage and kids in the future and I dont even know if I want either. I feel like I can't go out with my friends more than once a week or she gets moody and says I never spend time with her. I don't like when she comes on nights out as I know she'll want to go home early and make me come home too, or get mad at me cause I want to stay or she'll sit quietly not talking until I ask her if she wants to go. Her idea of a good day is going window shopping for a day and if i don't want to shes not happy again.

She says I never bring her out when we're off together(we work different shifts in our respective jobs) but i'll suggest something, she'll shoot it down and not suggest anything herself or just want to go walk around shops all day.
She'll be mad and not tell me why for days then bring it up at the most inconvenient time or she'll expect me to do something/want something and not tell me until I already havent done it and then be upset with me.

My friends tell me I am THE whipped bf. I rarely make plans without letting her know first. I don't even know why I just don't wanna listen in case it pisses her off. I never make plans on days we're both off cause I know she'll get mad even though we have no plans together. She just seems to think I always choose my friends over her and doesn't realize i miss tonnes of events just to sit at home with her. She rarely goes out with her own friends. She quit drinking a few months after we got together. Not because she had a problem she just doesn't enjoy going out as much.

I spend every hour not at work with her except when I go out once every two weeks or so. But this doesn't count as spending time together in her eyes. And it's gotten to the point where we don't have much to say to each other, other than daily news.

Our sex life isnt great. we're like an old married couple and cant be bothered half the time.

I'm painting a very bad picture here. We have a ton in common and are best friends, we tell each other everything. She gets on with my friends and I with hers. She's always there when I need her and is very supportive. I think we just moved very fast at the start of the relationship.

So basically she's my first long term gf. I love her and she loves me. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if i break up with her I'll regret it. For all the bad stuff I've said there's loads of good stuff. She wants to be an old married couple and I want to just have a life and have fun. If i break up with her it'll come out of nowhere for her and she'll be so hurt. I don't even know what to think about the house, bills, pets etc... any advice is appreciated. I've never broken up with anyone before and I just don't know...

Hey OP

Youre both young, it sounds like you are both in yr first live-in adult relationships.

Two points id make, they might sound contradictory but imo and ime they're not, necessarily

i) Your problems are completely normal, and most relationships go through a stage of this, which can be brief, can be prolonged, can be gotten over or which just settle into habit. It's a function of both of you developing and wanting different things and finding balance and I wouldnt necessarily condemn the relationship based on it

Hell, the window shopping, squabbles over activities and decisions etc, I'm ten hears into the healthiest relationship I know of and these things are everyday realities of sharing life with something as maddeningly complicated as another human

saying that

ii) If, however, these things aren't surmountable, yknow that's ok too. People get together. Struggle. Make it. Don't. Are happy together. Are unhappy together. Vice versa. Dont hang both of your happiness in the long term on something that isnt working.

Best luck

Sunflower 27 · 21-05-2016 11:44am

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

This just victim blaming. If she was hitting him would he still be enabling the situation? How about if he was punching her?? If this was a woman talking about her boyfriend there would already be 10 mentions of spousal abuse.

OP you have moved too fast here by moving in together. You should be enjoying your life, not fearing repercussions of any action you make. This will not change and do you really need this for the next 60 years. Get out now before children complicate matters.

When someone stays in a relationship and allows them to verbally abuse, physically etc then they are enabling the behaviour. Life is about choices. We all have the choice to stay or leave.

The op's friends pointed out it was not acceptable, yet the choice was made by the OP to carry on as things were.

Both are at fault, in my opinion, but this thread is not about blame. There is great learning here for both parties.

DukeOfTheSharp · 21-05-2016 8:20pm

She sounds like my abusive ex; a total nightmare. Always having an issue with a particular situation, but I'm betting you can't raise an issue you have otherwise she loses her mind? It's not worth it. It sounds like you got swept up in her plans and she had little regard for your wants or needs, and despite all the good, the fact is that the bad is so goddamn bad that you can't live like that anymore. Stick to your guns OP, sit her down and tell her that you're done, that you can't deal with this anymore and this isn't what you want from life. Make it short and sweet, divvy up the belongings as appropriate, don't concern yourself with the bills and so on, these things sort themselves over time. Just know that whatever happens after you end things is only going to be better than dealing with her special brand of terrible behavior and pervasively abusive crap. It'll hurt like hell, but you have genuine reasons for getting out.

Taltos · 24-05-2016 9:29am

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ManOfMystery · 24-05-2016 9:34am

I was in the exact same situation OP, and your gf sounds like my ex. Felt on edge round her a lot of the time, spent virtually all our time together but still got the passive-aggressive silent approach if I went out with my mates for a night, had to be in by a certain time, etc etc etc.

I was getting whipped, whether I liked to admit it or not, and so are you. So eventually I had enough and broke up with her. It's not a nice thing to do, but not every relationship is destined to end in happiness (otherwise people would only ever have one partner!) so if it's not working for you, get out.

It doesn't make her a bad person, and like my ex, I'm sure she has positives too. There's still certain things I miss about her. But looking at the bigger picture, if living and being together has become a tense & joyless experience for you, then there's no point in continuing. And whilst the thought of a breakup may sound difficult (moving out, sorting bills, and all that) - it's really not that hard to sort out. You make a list of things, and you work through it. You're not married or have kids, and breaking up in your present situation is infinitely easier than working through a divorce or similar.

It sounds like you moved in together as a natural progression in the relationship, but ultimately you're not really at the same stage - you still want to have fun and not curtail your social life and days out and so on, whilst she seems to have taken the living together concept and decided that means 'settling down'. If you're not on the same page, it won't work. There's no real right or wrong here in what either of you want, but I would certainly find it stifling to have to start losing out on a social life in my early 20s so I'm finding it easier to see things from your POV.

SarahMollie · 24-05-2016 10:16am

Hi OP.

I think words like "victim" and "abuse" are getting thrown around here a little too freely. Absolutely, it sounds like you feel trapped by your current circumstances, but I think some of the responses are a bit OTT. I don't think this is coming from the OP, but other posters. You can be in a relationship thats gone a bit sour without it rising to the level of abuse.

TBH I think it sounds like you're both unhappy. Clearly, you've managed to write down why you are unhappy, but your GF is channeling it through being passive aggressive. Things like her expecting you to be a mind reader and then getting mad when you're not, is classic behavior for someone who is actually deeply unhappy themselves.

Given what you've outlined, it sounds to me like you've already mentally checked out of the relationship, so its probably wise to follow through and actually finish things, as the current situation is not sustainable. I know you've bought furniture etc, but thats no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship when you're both still so young. Hopefully you can both learn from this.

Breaking up always feels hard at the time, but you can't live like this.

KikiDee · 24-05-2016 10:18am

Hey OP,

I'm female and was in a pretty similar situation as yourself. I was questioning my love for the guy I was living with. I was questioning everything. I went without seeing my friends and family, missing out on events that I know I should have been at, coming home early from the rare event we went to, just for a quiet life. Me and my ex ended up pushing each other away because we both knew we were making the other unhappy but didn't address it. And that was worse. It would have been far better for us to talk about our issues and end things in a way that was deserving of the relationship we had but hey-ho, it didn't work like that and it got messy.

You're in a grown up relationship that you feel is falling away. Time to put your big boy pants on and address the issues you're having. There's nothing wrong in wanting different things. Yes she'll be hurt if you guys break up but she will move on from it. You can't let the thought of her being hurt sway you. That's not a basis for a happy life.

The house, bills, furniture and animals will get sorted. That's actually the easy part believe it or not!

LegacyUser · 24-05-2016 5:34pm

We have a ton in common and are best friends, we tell each other everything.

Do you? Do you tell her how she makes you feel? Do you tell her how you'd like to be free to see your friends occasionally without feeling guilty or under pressure to come home? Do you tell her that her behaviour is actually pushing you away to the point where you find it difficult to see a future for the two of you? I believe you tell each other everything, except the important stuff.

Tell her. Her response will then tell you what the next step should be.

Clampdown · 29-05-2016 9:30pm

Well I've been in the situation and if she goes off the head when you want to do your own thing, eventually you'll not want to spend any time with her because you'll just see her as a nag and it will not stop. She won't change it. So unless you want to start living within her 'rules' as such and be all settled and stay in a lot more, you might want to rethink things.

Just be aware that the grass is not always greener and you might soon after start to feel lonely for a while and start thinking that being out all the time isn't really as fulfilling as a serious relationship with someone who cares for you and you might regret it. Or on the other hand you might enjoy your newfound freedom and then ideally meet someone less controlling.

In general, when the weekly arguments outnumber the weekly shags, the relationship is in trouble, and when one person prefers to go out without their partner then it is also a bad sign.

Breakup with live in girlfriend of 3 years

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