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should i bring it up/ask her out?

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  • 25-05-2016 12:39pm
    #1
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭


    Ok back story as brief as possible. Ladies your opinion will be most appreciated

    Met a woman seven months ago, things happened when we first met, there was a period of "will we wont we" after that but ultimately it ended up that we just became friends.

    And we became very good friends, we see each other more than we see anyone else in our lives (bar her kids) We are out nearly every Saturday night from about 9 til 3,4,5 in the morning (and even 6 am) usually just the two of us, we meet at least two, three times a week - most recently in the last two weeks there has only been two days we haven't seen each other in some way and daily there is some form of communication - either messages, jokes or mobile games. We have a hell of a lot in common - we speak our minds, music, books, life outlook, mindsets, clothing, the list goes on.

    We are very close and became close very quickly, both of us sharing a lot about ourselves (she knows stuff about me no one else does and vice versa) We can sit for hours just giggling like school children over the most random crap.

    Both of us have had dates with other people but nothing ever came of them. Both of us tend to be very cynical in regards to relationships,

    Nearly everyone assumes we are a couple, are surprised when they find out were not. We've been asked if were married, we apparently act like a couple, we are not overly flirty or anything like that that i notice but others do. My best friend came over to see me last week and within twenty minutes asked me how long we have been together.

    While I have not reached the stage of infatuation I certainly like her in a more than platonic sense. I wonder if if I should bring the subject up - not "will you be with me" but more a "want to see what can become of this?/is there something there?"


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    #2
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    If you don't have any non-platonic feelings for her I don't really see the point? Are you attracted to her?


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    #3
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    bee06 wrote: »
    If you don't have any non-platonic feelings for her I don't really see the point? Are you attracted to her?

    Yes i am attracted to her.


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    #4
    Smile111
    Registered Users Posts: 536 ✭✭✭Smile111


    Definitely have a chat with her. You have nothing to lose. Go for it:))


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    silverbolt wrote: »
    ultimately it ended up that we just became friends

    If there was sufficient attraction then for you both to considered acting on it but deciding not to do so, why was that? Did you not make a move? Was a move rebuffed? How exactly did that situation arise? Your question may have already been answered during that period, she might be glad it's "just" a friendship, she may be hoping you want more, she may have attraction growing and be dying for you to jump first, without knowing how that earlier situation arose it's hard to say and hard to say if you should even ask.

    Depending on the answer to the above, If I was in your shoes, and I have been, I'd be asking myself a few questions - would I be ok with the risk of losing a friendship by trying and would I be ok if she ends up with someone else if I didn't try? I think you'll know what you want yourself depending on those answers.


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    #6
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    Guessed wrote: »
    If there was sufficient attraction then for you both to considered acting on it but deciding not to do so, why was that? Did you not make a move? Was a move rebuffed? How exactly did that situation arise? Your question may have already been answered during that period, she might be glad it's "just" a friendship, she may be hoping you want more, she may have attraction growing and be dying for you to jump first, without knowing how that earlier situation arose it's hard to say and hard to say if you should even ask.

    Depending on the answer to the above, If I was in your shoes, and I have been, I'd be asking myself a few questions - would I be ok with the risk of losing a friendship by trying and would I be ok if she ends up with someone else if I didn't try? I think you'll know what you want yourself depending on those answers.

    the answer to that is that she wasn't looking for anything at the time. Moves were made and reciprocated and afterwards I did ask her for a date (looking back i probably asked for the date too soon) but she said got scared easy and just wanted to be friends. But that was over 6 months ago. Since then there have been possibilities (and according to others as im a bloke and therefore blind) missed opportunities.

    I'm not going to ask her in any formal way, more a kind of conversation about if she could see us as a couple, would she like to go on a date to explore the idea. Softly softly approach. That way friendship isnt soured.


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    #7
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Ask her if you want to go for it but be prepared she could say no and your friendship could be affected.

    What you described, even the questions why are we not a couple, perfectly illustrates a relationship I had with my best friend. And neither of us ever wanted to be anything more than friends and had no romantic feelings towards each other (and yes I am positive). People like match making but that doesn't necessary mean there is anything there.


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    #8
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I think you need to make a move/express your interest once and for all because, given the disproportionate amount of time you're spending together, you could be doing yourself out of meeting someone lovely/the love of your life because you're in this pseudo relationship with this girl.

    I'd tell her that you fancy her and ask her if she sees you as anything more than a friend. If she doesn't I'd stop seeing her so often because as it stands she has all these lovely benefits of a relationship (bar the passion obviously) that include companionship, having a confidante etc but without any commitment. You could spend years seeing her a few times a week only for her to drop you like a hot snot the moment she finds a partner.

    You don't need to get all heavy but you do need to tell her that your feelings ate more than platonic.

    I really hope things work out the way you wish.


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    #9
    Johnnyhpipe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 748 ✭✭✭Johnnyhpipe


    DO IT!


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    #10
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I agree with Merkin. I think you have definitely been "friend zoned" here. And I think she is enjoying the companionship without the commitment. You clearly have feelings for her. It's not so clear if she has feelings for you. I think it's time for a "piss or get off the pot" chat! And I also agree that if she tells you she is still not interested then you need to cut down on your time together. Everyone thinks you're in a relationship, that includes women who might be interested if they thought you were single.

    "Not ready" or "scared" is usually a line used by people who are not interested enough. When a person comes along who they are interested enough in, they suddenly become ready.


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    silverbolt wrote: »
    the answer to that is that she wasn't looking for anything at the time. Moves were made and reciprocated and afterwards I did ask her for a date (looking back i probably asked for the date too soon) but she said got scared easy and just wanted to be friends. But that was over 6 months ago. Since then there have been possibilities (and according to others as im a bloke and therefore blind) missed opportunities.

    I'll be honest, I don't see any reason for optimism here. "Not looking for anything" is a line to spare your feelings, along with "scared easy" and "just be friends" they are just different versions of "I don't fancy you". She probably also said "not ready", "need my space" etc. If she's not looking for anything, why was she going on dates? She's either looking for something or she's prepared to let people think she is to get something she wants from it, some validation most likely. She's doing the same to you.
    As for missed opportunities, you've been spending so much time together that I find it hard to imagine that you've just misread each other's signals or mistimed something, so I really doubt these opportunities exist.
    And moves were reciprocated? Reciprocated how? If they were reciprocated, why are you here now?
    As I thought to begin with, you had your answer then, she doesn't fancy you, or at least not enough to do something meaningful about it.
    silverbolt wrote: »
    I'm not going to ask her in any formal way, more a kind of conversation about if she could see us as a couple, would she like to go on a date to explore the idea. Softly softly approach. That way friendship isnt soured.

    The friendship is already soured unless you have so little respect for yourself that you're prepared for her to make an eejit of you. She's getting the milk without buying the cow. Even without knowing you, I can promise you that will make you unhappy long term. It would make most people unhappy to have feelings grow and be continually rebuffed.

    I think your softly-softly idea is terrible. It will just allow this situation to continue. If you really want something to happen, either tell her plainly, honestly and openly and be prepared to lose the friendship if she knocks you back (personally I think you'll be better off), or if you can't do that, pull back from her. Don't be so quick to answer messages, don't spend all your time with her, don't act like a boyfriend without benefits. If she wants you, she'll come and get you. I don't generally recommend game-playing, but in this situation it actually looks like your best bet.


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    #12
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    I really feel there should be a shortcut on the forum for "grow a pair and ask them out"


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    #13
    squonk
    Registered Users Posts: 8,453 ✭✭✭squonk


    OP I'd say go for it and at least you'll know. She either is or isn't interested. At this stage after spending so much time in each other's company she has had to have made up her mind one wya or another. Also, how you feel now or how she feels now can be different from a few months ago so I wouldn't go on what she said before so much.

    I don't know really what you mean by things being reciprocated before. I think that has some bearing on things.

    Bottom line here is go for it. I've always heard this thing about friendships being affected but, look, I think that's a pile of bullcrap. I find if it's a good enough friendship and really worthwhile then both parties can navigate around these types of things and the friendship will survive. You will need to realise that you'll need space to move on if her response isn't what you want to hear. Once you're ready though you can resume the friendship but it will of course be on a different footing. Sometimes I find that these intense friendships can be sustained by one-sided interest with the other party capitalising on that, intentionally or otherwise. Overtime the friendship may dwindle but you'll both be in different places and that's OK too.

    So, go for it. Don't waste your time wondering. Don't get stuck in a rut. Once you know where you stand it's much easier to move forward. That's really what you need to be doing. Go for it. See what happens and good luck.


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    #14
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    squonk wrote: »
    OP I'd say go for it and at least you'll know. She either is or isn't interested. At this stage after spending so much time in each other's company she has had to have made up her mind one wya or another. Also, how you feel now or how she feels now can be different from a few months ago so I wouldn't go on what she said before so much.

    I don't know really what you mean by things being reciprocated before. I think that has some bearing on things.
    .

    We slept together.

    Think your right. Put up or shut up as the saying goes, better to know than to not


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    #15
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    silverbolt wrote: »
    We slept together.

    Here was I, good and ready to write a 'you're in the friendzone/she's just not that into you' post and you pull THAT game-changer out of the bag. :pac:

    Look if you're as close as you say, you can probably communicate this to her casually enough and get good, honest feedback on it. The fact you've slept together makes it much easier as a barrier has already been broken. Just say it outright and she'll likely tell you either way.

    The only thing I'd have in the back of your mind is that she has every incentive to lead you on, as giving you a firm no risks losing everything you bring to the table for her already (even if you're still willing to continue the friendship as is), so put it to her and be conscious that unless it's a firm yes, it's a no. And the words used to dance around it are just that: words. You can then choose to continue the friendship knowing what you know, which I'm sure you will, or not armed with the full facts.


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    #16
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    leggo wrote: »
    The only thing I'd have in the back of your mind is that she has every incentive to lead you on, as giving you a firm no risks losing everything you bring to the table for her already (even if you're still willing to continue the friendship as is), so put it to her and be conscious that unless it's a firm yes, it's a no. And the words used to dance around it are just that: words. You can then choose to continue the friendship knowing what you know, which I'm sure you will, or not armed with the full facts.

    I couldn't agree more. To echo the above OP, if there is any ambiguity at all or whisperings of 'maybe one day' then you are wasting your time.


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    #17
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,769 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    leggo wrote: »
    Here was I, good and ready to write a 'you're in the friendzone/she's just not that into you' post and you pull THAT game-changer out of the bag. :pac:

    Yeah - but it was 6 months ago and since then nothing's happened and they've just been friends! But both going on dates with other people.

    If you spend 3 or 4 nights a week together and go out every Saturday night until the wee hours, mostly alone, then I don't know what difference asking her on a "date" is going to do. 2 people spending time out together alone? Is that not what a date usually is?

    I think you have no choice but ask her. Maybe she doesn't think that you're looking for more, and she's holding back. Maybe she has a fair idea you're looking for more and she's enjoying the attention she gets from you without the label of being in a relationship with you. We can all speculate and guess and wonder. Only asking her directly will tell you for definite. And I also agree with leggo, unless it's a definite yes, then she's not interested.


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    #18
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    cheers for the advice folks. Seems like myself its up in the air a bit

    I will say unless I've sorely misjudged her then shes not using me in any way. If shes enjoying the attention well im guilty of it as well

    I never got the chance to ask her as we ended up giving a friend a lift back from Galway so couldnt exactly discuss it then. But I'll find another time.

    Also gotta agree we need a "grow some balls and just ask" button. :D


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