Should I ask work colleague out? If so, how?

wahwahjimi · 11-04-2016 3:55pm #1

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone has any experience asking out a work colleague?

She's a nurse at the same hospital I work at, and I'm often in the ward she works in.

She's very smart, funny, seems like great fun. She's quite friendly towards me, and we sometimes share a joke, but nothing that could be construed as flirting. She's a hard worker and has a stressful job, so I don't really get a huge amount of "chatting" time with her.

I'm recently single, and am usually ok with asking someone out, but have never asked a work colleague out before.

I am not afraid of actually asking her out, it's more that I don't think there will ever be a good time to do it. Or is it inappropriate to ask a colleague out?

I was thinking of just asking her to come eat lunch with me some day, kind of a spontaneous thing, but there never seems to be a right moment to do it. She's got students or difficult patients and I don't know if she would appreciate the distraction.

I was also thinking maybe of adding her on facebook and messaging her asking her out that way...a bit lame, I know, but at least it's away from the work environment. We work different hours, so dont finish at the same time.

Should I wait to build up more of a friendship first, or just bite the bullet?

Any and all advice appreciated.

Tilly · 11-04-2016 11:54pm

I wouldn't do the Facebook route if I was you. Maybe just drop a "wanna grab a bite to eat sometime" line. To me that's the easiest way, that way if she's not into you she'll say she's busy.

pookie82 · 12-04-2016 9:37am

Tricky on all fronts, really. If you let a friendship build for too long, you could end up friend zoned.

Have you thought about how awkward it might be if she turns you down and you have to see her every day?

Go the lunch route - if she accepts and you have a nice time, you could suggest catching a movie "some time" at the end of it. That's as far as I'd go, to be honest.

Don't involve FB.

OnTheCouch · 17-04-2016 2:48pm

The lunch idea isn't a bad one, if she's genuinely interested she's likely to accept.

On the other hand, if she declines or says yes but suggests that you invite other colleagues as well (happened to me a few times) - then she probably doesn't see you in that way.

You could use Facebook as a last resort, although like the others I would not prioritise it.

It is perhaps the case that knowing how people talk in workplaces, she may think that going to lunch with you alone may have everyone assuming that something is going on with you already - even if she's interested, this may make her uncomfortable. So you could possibly use Facebook if you suspect this might be the case.

Penny Dreadful · 19-04-2016 1:45pm

wahwahjimi wrote: »

Hi all,

Just wondering if anyone has any experience asking out a work colleague?

She's a nurse at the same hospital I work at, and I'm often in the ward she works in.

She's very smart, funny, seems like great fun. She's quite friendly towards me, and we sometimes share a joke, but nothing that could be construed as flirting. She's a hard worker and has a stressful job, so I don't really get a huge amount of "chatting" time with her.

I'm recently single, and am usually ok with asking someone out, but have never asked a work colleague out before.

I am not afraid of actually asking her out, it's more that I don't think there will ever be a good time to do it. Or is it inappropriate to ask a colleague out?

I was thinking of just asking her to come eat lunch with me some day, kind of a spontaneous thing, but there never seems to be a right moment to do it. She's got students or difficult patients and I don't know if she would appreciate the distraction.

I was also thinking maybe of adding her on facebook and messaging her asking her out that way...a bit lame, I know, but at least it's away from the work environment. We work different hours, so dont finish at the same time.

Should I wait to build up more of a friendship first, or just bite the bullet?

Any and all advice appreciated.

My now husband and I worked in the same hospital but not in the same department.
There was some gentle flirting (as in we'd see each other in the corridor and smile and say hi but nothing else really) and then one day he called me up to see if I'd like to go for a drink or a bite to eat sometime.
I said yes, that would be lovely and now almost 6 years later we're married with one kid and another one on the way all too soon!.

My attitude towards the date was "whats the worst that can happen?" If we went out and didn't like each other or have a good time then it would be a pity but we were both adults and as we weren't working together then that would be that. Luckily it worked out very differently.

pollyfarmgal · 22-04-2016 8:18pm

They do say don't mix work and pleasure but you can't help who you like.. I would def stay clear of FB unless it's a last resort!! The worst she can do is say no, and if she's as nice as you say she will be nice in her decline! I'd say go for it! Good luck. !

December2012 · 24-04-2016 9:03pm

Are either of you each other's superior?

wahwahjimi · 19-05-2016 11:07am

Hello all, OP here again...

Well, I tried to take your advice, but couldn't. Just her hours are all over the place, and although I ocassionally see her in work, it's so hectic that I never get the chance to ask her out...

So, I asked her out over facebook last week- just said I was going to stop in for a drink after work on the way home and if she would like to join. And she said yes!

So we had a good time, we had a great laugh and it was all very relaxed an casual. We have a lot in common (not to mention career choice) and I would like to see her again.

But when I suggested we do something again, she got a little flakey. I feel she is interested, but her working hours and family commitments seem to always get in the way.

I feel I have made my romantic interest clear, but just not getting the same feeling. She's still very friendly in work and enthusiastic when texting...I have no idea what to do.

Previously, most girls I successfully ask out, I can tell if they are really interested or not pretty much immediately...she seems to be talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

I told myself I'll ask her out one more time, and leave it at that. Her hours are mental, for sure, but she knows I work office hours, so surely she should be letting me now when is good for her?

A mutual acquaintance reckons she's interested, but I'm going to have to work hard at it...

Sorry for the rant. She agreed to go for a few drinks with me, that's something I guess!

Ursus Horribilis · 19-05-2016 1:00pm

Ugh, I hate this sort of gameplaying. It's what she's doing rather than what she's saying which I don't like. There are people who'll happily text until the cows come home but trying to get them to come out on date with you is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. I think for your own sanity, you should ask her out one more time. If she continues to be flaky and evasive, walk. End of.

armaghlad · 19-05-2016 1:06pm

Fair play for asking her out. Brave move! Everyone saying don't do fb but fb is the first thing I'd do especially given the hours she works.

Regards where things currently stand: I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. You say a mutual acquaintance says she's interested; and you're getting some signals that she is also, so maybe just give her a bit of time and don't rush things. What's the hurry?

batmanrobin · 19-05-2016 1:20pm

No one is ever too busy for anything. Especially not the things one really wants to do. I've noticed a massive difference between men who were really interested in me and those who were only passing time. The ones who were only passing time were very flaky and always too busy. The ones who were really interested... Well, I never felt like I was trying to catch my shadow. Proceed with caution, OP. Don't put all your eggs in her basket.

wahwahjimi · 19-05-2016 1:46pm

Thanks for replies- yeah, I'll ask her one more time. I've already put myself out on a limb asking her out the first time.

Just one or two things that are worth considering too...

Firstly, I should have mentioned I am in a foreign country (Asia)...would be fairly conservative compared to Ireland...but she is well travelled and "Westernized" (god, I hate that phrase), so I don't think this is a significant factor.

Secondly, (and I also hate myself for saying this), I doubt she gets asked out alot...I think she's gorgeous and has an amazing personality, but she's not exactly traditionally beautiful (sorry, that sounds awful). I worked alongside her for a while before I really noticed her, and it was only after I got to know did I find her really attractive. My point is, I don't think she gets asked out alot, so maybe she doesnt really know how to handle it?

Thirdly, in this culture, family comes first...especially ahead of some Irish lad chancing his arm. She's also in a slightly complicated family situation (parents divorced). So I might be a little harsh thinking shes making up excuses when she really does have family stuff.

I'm really not a game-player and I'll give anyone the benefit of the doubt before I assume they are playing games...

Sorry, it's been a while since I've met someone I'm really interested in- not sure how to go about not messing it up!

armaghlad · 19-05-2016 2:01pm

It's a whole balancing act telling someone you like them without overdoing it and scaring them off (imo) especially someone from a different culture. I suppose you can try and be subtle about it and see if she picks up how into her you are?

Calypso Realm · 19-05-2016 2:50pm

She knows you're interested OP and if I were you I wouldn't ask her out again, at least for the foreseeable future. I'd leave the ball in her court for now.

If, on the other hand she gives you more positive signals in the future you can reassess the situation but for now give her time to reflect on it all.

desbrook · 19-05-2016 4:58pm

Well done on asking her out and all that OP but now I think its time to face facts. When you asked her out the first time even though you went about it against the collective wisdom you got yourself a date or more importantly SHE MADE TIME.
When you asked her out again she knew you weren't just passing time and were interested, maybe she just didn't fancy you - who knows ? Point is she isn't making time this time.

If she were interested (whatever her culture) she'd make time. Bottom line.

wahwahjimi · 21-05-2016 12:57pm

Hello, OP again. I feel like I'm a whining lovesick teenager (I'm actually late 20's)!

So, I took all advice on board, but I feel I had to ask her out just one more time. Just had to know for sure that I really was barking up the wrong tree.

So I asked her along to something that we had both spoke about being interested in on Sunday.

Of course, she's working. But no mention of rescheduling, no mention of whether I was free sometime later in the week, no mention of trying to make time...no nothing!

I'm not usually like this, I just have never met anyone like her in quite some time.

She genuinely appears interested when texting, but for whatever reason, doesn't seem interested in meeting. What I don't get is that she has told me she's told her friends about me, she sends me article and pictures that I might find interesting...I just don't get it.

Time to face facts

So...I reckon that
a) I've been friendzoned
b) She's just trying to let me down easy cos we have to work together
c) She's still undecided about me
d) all of the above.

I'm satisfied I have made my interest clear as day now, so I've no regrets.

A shame though...I really liked her.

Any further pearls of wisdom greatly appreciated!

Taltos · 21-05-2016 12:59pm

You're an ego boost.
A safe one.

Suggest you drop it and stop replying to the texts.
If she was really interested it wouldn't be this hard.

batmanrobin · 21-05-2016 1:45pm

I'd agree with Taltos, OP. You are an ego boost.

I've been there myself and it's confusing as they come on really strong and really interested but trying to get him to go on a date.... Well let's just say I think I could have convinced him to eat broken glass with greater ease! He was saying all the right things, but I wasn't listening to his actions - which were speaking volumes! I'm sure it was a huge ego boost to know that there was someone he could have if it suited him.

Cut contact. Be polite if you happen to bump into each other but leave it there. She's just not really interested.

Ursus Horribilis · 21-05-2016 2:02pm

Yep, I've been there too I'm afraid. It is frustrating when you like someone and they *seem* to be interested. Only something as straightforward as meeting up for a cup of coffee becomes so very complicated. Being busy at work is one of the oldest excuses in the book. As are family commitments. Even if this lady is genuinely working on the day, it's telling that she didn't try to organise something else. You can read anything you want into what she texts, what she has told her friends, what her friends think etc. The bottom line here is that despite you asking her out twice now, you're still not getting to spend time with her. It's a text buddy and an ego boost she seems to want. Not a boyfriend.

Sound Bite · 21-05-2016 4:45pm

Just stop.....if she has any interest at all she'll come running. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like she's interested in you.

silverbolt · 24-05-2016 7:56am

pookie82 wrote: »

Tricky on all fronts, really. If you let a friendship build for too long, you could end up friend zoned.

Have you thought about how awkward it might be if she turns you down and you have to see her every day?

Go the lunch route - if she accepts and you have a nice time, you could suggest catching a movie "some time" at the end of it. That's as far as I'd go, to be honest.

Don't involve FB.

Not awkward at all unless either side make it to be. People get aksed out and turned down, it happens doesnt mean you have to start avoiding those you have asked out.

Taltos wrote: »

You're an ego boost.
A safe one.

Suggest you drop it and stop replying to the texts.
If she was really interested it wouldn't be this hard.

Ok going by the last post OP put up, i could conede this is a very valid point.

She's liking the attention, having a man after her but may not be interested in a relationship (not necessarily the same as not liking you)

You've tried, more than once. Stay friends with her.

Oh and forget the term friendzone, its a load of bull, no such thing.

Should I ask work colleague out? If so, how?

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