Friends are all progressing and I’m not-how to cope

LegacyUser · 20-11-2019 7:27pm #1

I apologise in advance if this sounds moany and self centred but maybe someone here has been in the same situation. So I’m a 32 years old woman and I consider myself pretty normal- as in I have a good job, get on well with colleagues, have lots of friends and interests and my own house. Both my parents suffered from undiagnosed depression/mental illness over the years and this definitely affected my confidence growing up which led me to seek counselling for some support. I did a lot of work on myself and trying to figure out why I may have made bad choices with men years ago as at that time anything was better than being alone. In the last three years I can say I am at ease with who I am and what I have to offer and have been more selective about who I date.
Over the past year all of my friends from different groups (work/college/home) have begun to get engaged, married, and have children and I am delighted for them all and join in the celebrations. In the last two weeks there have been two pregnancy announcements and an engagement. I am embarrassed to say this that while I am so happy for them and send messages of congratulations, part of me feels so sad that I haven’t even been on a date in a year and a half. While I am happy and content , sometimes I feel so lonely. I was in a sports club before I got injured and loved it so I’m obviously frustrated that I can’t do that for the foreseeable. I don’t go out much as even though I have lots of friends, they are at different stages to me and our nights out are just dinner and a couple of drinks and then everyone goes home which is understandable as people are saving for weddings etc and nights out are less of a priority. I’m not much of a nightclub person anyway and prefer a few drinks in a nice club so this doesn’t bother me too much. I’ve done the online thing with tinder and out of the last four guys I chatted to that seemed nice and interesting, 2 stopped messaging after maybe four or five days, one asked me to meet up and when I accepted the offer all messaging stopped, and the other turned out to have a girlfriend of three years. I found out through friends in common and he also asked me to meet up. In my two months back on tinder, an actual first date hasn’t materialised.
Maybe it’s the timing of my friends announcing weddings and babies coinciding with me havi NG bad luck with dating but I have felt so down over the last couple of weeks. Then when I’m like this I beat myself up and tell myself to cop on as I’m being selfish to feel like this when all my friends are so happy and progressing with their lives. I was I’ll recently and I guess the downside to being single was really brought home to me as my parents took care of me and as they are in their mid to late 70s I felt that it shouldn’t have been this way as it took a lot out of them and they probably weren’t able to be giving me that much care. I appreciated it so much and told them so but I couldn’t help feeling like I should have had a boyfriend/husband who could have helped me and drove me to appointments etc. It doesn’t help that I feel my parents are quite elderly and are much older than my friends and I keep thinking that at a young age, when my parents pass away that I’ll be left completely on my own and maybe for the rest of my life. Sorry for being so pessimistic about it but it’s been in my mind all the time lately.

I guess I just want to see if this happiness but at the same time loneliness is normal for when friends move on with different milestones in their lives. I think I need to give up on the idea of dating again as while I’m laughing off the fact that I can’t actually even get a first date as I don’t think it’s necessarily my fault, deep down it does hurt me and I wonder how hard it can actually be to meet someone, fall in love and generally be happy. I’m even dreading Christmas again as my parents are in really bad form for the few days for their own reasons and there is such a pressure to be happy and I’ll just have to plaster on the brave face. Thanks for reading. I hope I don’t read as self-absorbed whiny person but just needed to put it out there Incase someone felt the same.

PHG · 21-11-2019 12:27pm

Hi OP,

A few points so hopefully can help. Firstly, well done on what you have achieved in life, you are way ahead of the curve and should be very proud. Secondly, you are not alone. It is a tough time of year with the run up to Xmas and loneliness is a big issue. I live in Scandinavia and not much daylight atm, have had to make friends and have a good few after a year of meetups and fb pages etc. and still talk to people from home most days and to be honest I am quite lonely atm. This time last year I was in a serious relationship and was looking forward to Xmas and now I am like ugh, f**king Xmas!! To help, I have booked a holiday away for NYE, could you do something with one of your friends over the holidays?

Unfortunately at our age (I am also 32) life changes for most regarding marriage, kids, buying houses etc. Of course this will play on your mind and the WHAT-IF scenario if you were with someone. However, you may find this is becoming less common as more people are willing to just settle with someone for the sake of it. On the flip side people have become uber picky too due to the ease of swiping left on the apps.

As for your parents, they sound like they love you to bits so try not to stress. Coincidentally, I was a surprise baby so my parents are the same age as yours and the same thoughts do come into my mind about when they are gone and how lucky people are with younger parents. BUTTT, we cannot change where we are in this moment and have to role with it and be there with them now. So try not to be too hard on yourself. Do you have any siblings or close cousins?

The dating app part of your story is a bit odd. Do you get any likes or are you very picky? Sometimes it is good to go out on a date just for the craic and to fill the void. You have nothing to lose and don't have to do anything and you never know what might come from it. I may be biased but I am not the worst looking and manage a date every 2 weeks or so (not a brag), but it took a lot of sh**ty dates before I got comfortable and into the swing of it. I went from, why did they not contact me after to, this date is not going well, time to leave politely and move on, this was only after many rejections and came down to confidence. It does take a lot of right swipes before I match though but its a numbers game. As for the dates some of them have been odd, some awkward and others funny. I had one that I thought was it, the new Mrs. PHG, she had the looks and the intelligence and kept it going for 2 months, unfortunately there no spark no matter how hard I tried so that was gone and I felt bad for a few days after. So don't beat yourself up about the guys on the apps, it happens. Don't go for desperation either, people smell that!! Some people go on the apps for an ego boost too and never meet, that is no reflection of you at all!! People chicken out all the time too and it is annoying. As much as you may want to push/force it, it will just happen.

Can you try other clubs? On the apps, try this, open tinder and just keep swiping right, you will get loads of matches. You can quickly unmatch the ones you don't like but it would be a quick ego boost.

Hope that helps

PHG

LegacyUser · 22-11-2019 12:29pm

OP here. Thanks for your reply PHG, definitely some food for thought there. In relation to the online dating, I consider myself decent looking and am a healthy weight. I find it difficult on tinder as it’s so looks based so I have made an effort over the past while to swipe right on guys that I wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to looks wise, as I knew I needed to become a little less picky. If they seem normal and their pictures showed their interests I generally swipe right. Out of the four guys I mentioned in my original post, two were what I consider very handsome and two were more average. All four seemed nice from the messages and after each guy for sometime and established that they seemed nice with a sense of humour I would have been happy to meet up with any of them. Then there would have been a few other guys that I matched with but the messaging was either straight to sex talk or I felt there was literally nothing left to say to keep the conversation going.

In relation to the loneliness, I suppose it’s difficult to advise on as it’s not something I can control. I feel I have a great life outside of this one issue and I suppose I need to be thankful for that. I guess I just don’t like the side of me that gets jealous/upset when another friend announces an engagement or a baby. I am genuinely delighted for them and have organised get togethers/dinner at my house regularly and I love doing it. Just when everyone leaves the feeling of sadness hits me like a train. Out of maybe 15 women that I’m friendly with between different groups, I am the only one single now.

I even went on holidays on my own earlier this year and I really liked it and would go again. So it’s not a case that I’m not proactive about things, I’m quite independent and happy to be this way, I’d just like to deal with the overwhelming sadness that comes over me at times as I don’t want to feel like this and I wonder will I ever be unable to put on the brave face sometime and I really wouldn’t like that. It would probably be taken up as mad jealousy by people which would be understandable.

milli milli · 23-11-2019 11:40am

OP your post is totally understandable and it’s ok to feel the way you do. I know it’s not easy, but if you can try not compare your life to your friends.
(‘Comparison is the thief of all joy’.) Everyone is on their own trajectory with their own path and timeline.

Also sometimes the reason you see one engagement after the other, is not always necessarily ‘true love’ but the overwhelming pressure of people to ‘keep up’ with each other and there can be a bit of settling going on.
You don’t want to end up in a ‘settling‘ situation when you feel all your friends are hitched.

When you say all your friends are coupled up, now is the time to seek out new single friends. Apart from new experiences and connections, there will be less pressure on you to be ‘with someone’ or to ‘make babies’. As you know, the great thing about being single is having your own timetable and the freedom to do what you want. I am so delighted that you’ve been on holiday on your own and you feel how liberating it is. Fair play to you - there are lots of people who couldn’t do this!

Also you have come far by doing work on yourself and knowing what you want in a partner. This is a great position to be in. It’s ok to be discerning - by knowing yourself you have a better chance of picking a suitable partner than if you didn’t do the work.

I feel for you, I know how lonely it is, when all your friends seem to be ‘moving on’ with their lives, but you know the whole ‘engagement-marriage-babies’ is not the only path in life. There is so much pressure on people to follow certain paths at certain times in their lives and the ‘engagement-marriage-babies’ doesn’t even suit some people!

People sometimes offer the advice, ‘find happiness within, don’t seek it outside’ and I used to think it was such a cop-out, but I understand it now.
Nobody or no situation can truly make us happy. And if they do make us happy, the person or situation can be taken away and then where does that leave us?
I know you say you are happy with yourself now OP - can you get to the place where anything that happens outside of you has no real effect on your happiness? It’s not easy (it’s a work in progress for me, anyway!) if you can get to a place in your head - ‘I’m happy for Jill. The same thing may or may not happen for me, but I’m happy and grateful for what I have anyway’.

If you have this solid foundation, then you will be set up for life. It will take the pressure off meeting someone too.
Try not to put pressure on yourself OP. Your path is different from your friends - you may meet someone tomorrow, you may meet them in 5,10, 15 years, maybe you’ll find out you’re happier on your own.
Best of luck OP!

radiotrickster · 23-11-2019 11:57am

fallenbehind wrote: »

I find it difficult on tinder as it’s so looks based so I have made an effort over the past while to swipe right on guys that I wouldn’t necessarily be attracted to looks wise, as I knew I needed to become a little less picky. If they seem normal and their pictures showed their interests I generally swipe right. Out of the four guys I mentioned in my original post, two were what I consider very handsome and two were more average.

IME, the last few people I’ve fancied, dated, etc. were all people I never would have swiped right for. They were good looking irl, but the type where I couldn’t show photos of them to my friends because I’d say “they don’t photograph well.”

I even saw the photos one of the guys used on his Tinder and I wouldn’t have taken more than half a second considering him before swiping left. There’s a lot to be said for meeting in real life when it comes to chemistry, attraction, etc.

I decided to take a break from dating a few years back to focus on myself and my health. By the end of it, a few people had fancied me irl (which never happened), my confidence had grown, I looked and felt better in myself and was more comfortable in being alone. And you know what they say – when you’re not looking, you’ll find someone (which rang true in my case).

LegacyUser · 24-11-2019 8:15am

Hi OP,

I haven't replied to a post on this forum before but yours hit me hard as I’m in an almost identical position to you except I don't own my own home. Everything else sounds freakishly similar to the point I could have written this post myself.

I don't know if I can offer you much advice at all yet as I'm only trying to get to grips with techniques to help me get through this period. If it helps at all though, I genuinely can empathise 100% with your situation and I hope it helps to hear you are not the only person feeling like this. Like you, I have no single friends left except one on the other side if the country so nights out are a total rarity unfortunately at the moment. The weekends can be very hard and lonely at times particularly this time of year when there is so much emphasis on being happy and socialising etc. Stsy strong and be kind to yourself.

ILoveYourVibes · 25-11-2019 2:29am

Op you are just going through a bad patch. Everyone has them.

Your love life will pick up again.

santana75 · 26-11-2019 7:55pm

Op, what you focus on grows. If your mind is fixed on engagements, babies, relationships or lackthereof then this will grow and consume your thoughts and emotions. I guarantee you that if something happened in your life that required all of your attention to be diverted towards that, then you would completely forget about the the things you believe you dont have in your life. You wouldnt feel lonely at all. That lonely feeling is created by you. I know thats not really what you want to hear, but if you monitor your thoughts while you are feeling lonely, you'll clearly see whats going through your head. Thats good news because then you can control what you focus on and what you let go of. Thoughts will knock on the door of your mind, you cant control that, but you do get to say what you open up to and what you let go. It is a choice. Dr Richard carlson wrote a book about this a few years ago("You can be happy no matter what") and its about choosing what you focus on, being selective about your thoughts. If you got into a relationship tomorrow, you'd probably get a temporary boost. You'd feel happy and accepted and maybe even "loved". But that would fade pretty quickly and you would find yourself at the very same level of happiness that youre currently at. That old saying, youre as happy in a relationship as you are out of one, is true. You have something right now thats a gift: Freedom. You have time and space to do something with your life thats big, you can find your lifes purpose. Dont wish that time and space away, trust me, it is valuable. I was out a while ago with a guy whos engaged. After a few drinks he confessed that he wished he was single. And he's not the first person to confess this type of thing to me. It may seem like the grass is greener, but in reality its not. If you want to be happy, be careful about what you allow your mind to dwell upon. Appreciate the position your in, because it is actually a great place to be.

Friends are all progressing and I’m not-how to cope

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