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How to deal with a non stop ex

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  • 20-05-2019 6:17pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Any advice guys . I've blocked her on everything ,now she's resorting to messaging my friends and family. Has been going on for the last month( we had what I'd call a relatively short relationship)I have about 200 messeges ( i ignored) saved on my phone . They go anywhere from I want you back to I hate you and I'm going to fu-k your life up .. Today she's pestering one of my mates. threats of all kinds towards me .if I respond it ends up in a full on fight . I can't seam to get it into her head that we are over, she won't listen when I tell her it's not normal to ring 50 times a day and leave 20 text messages so trying to talk is pointless . I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this


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    #2
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users Posts: 12,736 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    Save the messages. Ring the guards.


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    #3
    WIZWEB
    Registered Users Posts: 521 ✭✭✭WIZWEB


    Sounds like you hurt her ego. You certainly don't respond with violence. Block everywhere and full No Contact. It kills the drama (in time). Good friends will believe you. Others will not. That's life.


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    #4
    QuestionTime18
    Registered Users Posts: 27 ✭QuestionTime18


    Take all those messages to the garda and report her for harassment, don't be afraid to do it, if the shoe was on the other foot you can be guaranteed she would be straight to the guards to report you.


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    #5
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    Violence is your last resort? Get some help.


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    #6
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Violence is your last resort? Get some help.

    That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

    And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?


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    #7
    hairyprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 2,293 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    OP you need to go the guards. That is nothing short of harassment.


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    #8
    elfy4eva
    Registered Users Posts: 1,204 ✭✭✭elfy4eva


    Youre doing it right keep her blocked and don't engage with her at all. Not even a text to tell her to f off. Tell your mates she's nuts and to block her in turn.


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    #9
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Go to the police.

    I suspect she has form in this area.


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    #10
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

    And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?

    Sorry completely misread this.


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    #11
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    As others have said, just keep ignoring them and block her on everything you can block her on. She will eventually get bored as long as she is not getting a reaction.

    In the meantime go to the guards and report her for harassment.


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    #12
    banie01
    Registered Users Posts: 16,540 ✭✭✭✭banie01


    Dtp1979 wrote: »
    Save the messages. Ring the guards.

    +100.

    Op if this was a man harassing a woman it would already have been done.

    You don't need to shrug it off because she is a woman.
    Report it to your local Garda Station, ensure you get a pulse number and if she persists seek the appropriate legal orders to compel her to stop.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Go to the Guards. In fact, every friend and family member she has harassed also should go with you and the lot of you make a group complaint. If she doesn't stop, go to a solicitor and have them send a warning letter. That should make her back off. Do not engage her in any way shape or form yourself, nor your friends, nor your family. Keep it all official through Guards and solicitor.

    Horrible situation to be in, OP. Can be very stressful and upsetting when someone refuses to leave you alone.


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    #14
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    Go to the Guards and report it. Don't feel ashamed to have to do that. They are well used to situations like this, you would most certainly not be the first to report harassment.

    Someone trying to get back with you yet can send a message like "I'm going to f*ck up your life" clearly has a personality disorder.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism


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    #15
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    I suggest 3 things.

    1 - Report to the Guards.
    2 - Inform all your friends and family that "Mary" is criminally harassing you and you have reported to the Guards so could they please not respond to contact from her as its another attempt to get at you.
    3 - If any friends or family contact you to tell you she has contacted them ask them not to pass that on and that you do not want to know.


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    #16
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Do not react & tell your friends/relatives not to react ever. Try & have them block her as well if you can. Keep a record of everything she sent you and your family, ask them to send on screen shots.
    Report it to the Gardaí, even if they can't action it yet at least its on record.

    Look into getting a barring order and/or send her a cease and desist letter.
    You'll probably have to get a solicitor for the latter but this is a very serious issue that needs to be dealt with. She is definitely trying to goad you, she seems extremely manipulative, so you need to protect yourself as much as possible.

    Agree with the above suggestion of sending a general message out to close friends and family advising them to block/not respond to her as the matter is with your solicitor & the Gardaí. Don't let her get away with this.


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    #17
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    valoren wrote: »

    Someone trying to get back with you yet can send a message like "I'm going to f*ck up your life" clearly has a personality disorder.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism
    The social psychologist Erich Fromm first coined the term "malignant narcissism" in 1964, describing it as a "severe mental sickness" representing "the quintessence of evil".

    I think you could be overstating the seriousness here - it's an annoying slightly stalky ex, not "the quintessence of evil"!


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    #18
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    I think you could be overstating the seriousness here - it's an annoying slightly stalky ex, not "the quintessence of evil"!

    50 calls and 20 texts a day, and also contacting his family and friends with blatant threats to f*k his life up- is slightly stalky? I'd hate to see what you class as intense stalking.


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    #19
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Debate about the severity of the harassment or the underlying cause of it isn't of any use to the OP, at the end of the day he's experiencing harassment from this person and it doesn't matter how intense it is or what's causing the ex to act this way.


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    #20
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    50 calls and 20 texts a day, and also contacting his family and friends with blatant threats to f*k his life up- is slightly stalky? I'd hate to see what you class as intense stalking.

    She'll soon get sick of it if she's not getting a response I'm sure.

    She's clearly a bit of an asshole, possibly even a tad unhinged...but come on now, it's hardly the very definition of evil!


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

    And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?

    I'm not convinced. He 'flips out' at a certain point and followed that by bringing up violence.
    Robotiamnot wrote: »
    I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

    Are you saying she's asking for it?

    She can't 'play the victim' if you don't respond. She will indeed be a victim if you 'flip out'. Save the messages, talk to your friends about it and ignore her.


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    #22
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    You are being taunted and provoked. You said it yourself when you said you feel driven to lashing out against her. She'll push a whole manner of buttons to try and get a reaction from you. That's what she wants and you rightly say she will play the victim. The toxic narrative will be you doing or saying something negative to her with what actually provoked you into doing that (i.e. the incessant obsessive contact, the threats) being conveniently brushed aside and your reaction exploited into getting you into trouble. My guess is that she needs to cover her ass in case she get's exposed with her own friends and family and needs some kind of "gotcha" to stitch you up with e.g. look at the horrible message he sent me *sobs* or I just asked him what happened between us and that psycho went to the guards *sobs*

    You've told her it's over. It's up to the Guards now to deal with this. I would send a text, PM to friends and family along the lines that your relationship with X has finished and you are being harassed with this harassment now extending to people you know, tell them to please ignore messages from X as the Guards have been informed and will be handling the situation.


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    #23
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    Send one final reply to her stating that if she fails to stop contacting you/friends and fanily that you will have no option but to contact guards

    Then print everything and go to the guards if there's any further contact.

    The threat of the guards will shock most people into coping on, if it doesn't you have no other opinion but to do so.


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    #24
    PARlance
    Registered Users Posts: 21,096 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    Send one final reply to her stating that if she fails to stop contacting you/friends and fanily that you will have no option but to contact guards

    Then print everything and go to the guards if there's any further contact.

    The threat of the guards will shock most people into coping on, if it doesn't you have no other opinion but to do so.

    Wouldn't put the idea of going to the guards into her head tbh. God knows what she'll do.


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    #25
    MissShihTzu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,080 ✭✭✭MissShihTzu


    PARlance wrote: »
    Wouldn't put the idea of going to the guards into her head tbh. God knows what she'll do.


    I agree. The girl sounds more than a little unhinged. Do not answer, do not engage in any way. Go to the Gards as the others have said. Get copies of any messages sent to your friends and family, and show those to the Gards too.

    Hopefully, they'll pop round to have a word and tell the silly girl to cop on.


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    #26
    Arrival
    Closed Accounts Posts: 779 ✭✭✭Arrival


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Violence is your last resort? Get some help.

    You should get some help with your elementary level comprehension skills, since we're telling others what to do


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    #27
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    go to the gardai before she makes a false claim against you. if, as she said, she wants to f*ck up your life, she could well go that way.


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    #28
    lawred2
    Registered Users Posts: 24,293 ✭✭✭✭lawred2


    Robotiamnot wrote: »
    Any advice guys . I've blocked her on everything ,now she's resorting to messaging my friends and family. Has been going on for the last month( we had what I'd call a relatively short relationship)I have about 200 messeges ( i ignored) saved on my phone . They go anywhere from I want you back to I hate you and I'm going to fu-k your life up .. Today she's pestering one of my mates. threats of all kinds towards me .if I respond it ends up in a full on fight . I can't seam to get it into her head that we are over, she won't listen when I tell her it's not normal to ring 50 times a day and leave 20 text messages so trying to talk is pointless . I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

    Harassment. Go to the guards.


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    #29
    1hnr79jr65
    Registered Users Posts: 916 ✭✭✭1hnr79jr65


    Is there a member of her family such as parents you got on well with you could talk to. Going to the guards is perfectly reasonable and you well within your rights and i have no problem advocating going to them if truly needed.

    But the compassionate side of me says this girl doesn't sound too well of mind and maybe approach that person you know and show them what she has sent so they can understand where she is really at in her mind, as they will only see what she presents to them and may not get help she needs to deal with this.


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    #30
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    She'll soon get sick of it if she's not getting a response I'm sure.

    You're greatly underestimating how obsessed stalkers can become.

    Response will certainly fuel them on, but a lack of response can sometimes also be infuriating for them and drives them to even greater obsession. I had my own similar situation around 15 years ago with an ex who wouldn't accept that I no longer wanted to be around her, her violent behaviour or her toxicity - constant calls, texts, blatant threats, veiled threats, etc. I moved for work to a city 100 miles away and came out of my apartment one night to find her sitting in her car across the street. I didn't respond once to her over many months and the volume of communication from her increased if anything.

    The only solution in a situation like this is to take it to the authorities. Depending on how obsessed she is, a visit from them might be the wakeup call she needs to knock it on the head. And if that doesn't work, then at least it's on record so the OP can pursue it further via the law/legal route.


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    #31
    SozBbz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,889 ✭✭✭SozBbz


    You have to suffocate this situation OP.

    It sounds like you answer the odd call and respond to the odd text, even if only to tell her to go away. You need to stop doing this. Any response you give her is still attention and thats what shes craving. Make sure friends and family do the same. Treat her like she's thin air.

    Also, go to the Guards. Likelihood is that a stern word should be enough to put a stop to her gallop. If not, at least you have a record of her abuse to date.


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