How to deal with a non stop ex

LegacyUser · 20-05-2019 6:17pm #1

Any advice guys . I've blocked her on everything ,now she's resorting to messaging my friends and family. Has been going on for the last month( we had what I'd call a relatively short relationship)I have about 200 messeges ( i ignored) saved on my phone . They go anywhere from I want you back to I hate you and I'm going to fu-k your life up .. Today she's pestering one of my mates. threats of all kinds towards me .if I respond it ends up in a full on fight . I can't seam to get it into her head that we are over, she won't listen when I tell her it's not normal to ring 50 times a day and leave 20 text messages so trying to talk is pointless . I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

Dtp1979 · 21-05-2019 1:03am

Save the messages. Ring the guards.

WIZWEB · 21-05-2019 1:07am

Sounds like you hurt her ego. You certainly don't respond with violence. Block everywhere and full No Contact. It kills the drama (in time). Good friends will believe you. Others will not. That's life.

QuestionTime18 · 21-05-2019 3:40am

Take all those messages to the garda and report her for harassment, don't be afraid to do it, if the shoe was on the other foot you can be guaranteed she would be straight to the guards to report you.

Yellow pack crisps · 21-05-2019 9:25am

Violence is your last resort? Get some help.

ManOfMystery · 21-05-2019 10:00am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Violence is your last resort? Get some help.

That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?

hairyprincess · 21-05-2019 10:03am

OP you need to go the guards. That is nothing short of harassment.

elfy4eva · 21-05-2019 10:07am

Youre doing it right keep her blocked and don't engage with her at all. Not even a text to tell her to f off. Tell your mates she's nuts and to block her in turn.

Mr. Incognito · 21-05-2019 10:10am

Go to the police.

I suspect she has form in this area.

Yellow pack crisps · 21-05-2019 11:01am

ManOfMystery wrote: »

That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?

Sorry completely misread this.

wiggle16 · 21-05-2019 11:35am

As others have said, just keep ignoring them and block her on everything you can block her on. She will eventually get bored as long as she is not getting a reaction.

In the meantime go to the guards and report her for harassment.

banie01 · 21-05-2019 12:04pm

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Save the messages. Ring the guards.

+100.

Op if this was a man harassing a woman it would already have been done.

You don't need to shrug it off because she is a woman.
Report it to your local Garda Station, ensure you get a pulse number and if she persists seek the appropriate legal orders to compel her to stop.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2019 12:23pm

Go to the Guards. In fact, every friend and family member she has harassed also should go with you and the lot of you make a group complaint. If she doesn't stop, go to a solicitor and have them send a warning letter. That should make her back off. Do not engage her in any way shape or form yourself, nor your friends, nor your family. Keep it all official through Guards and solicitor.

Horrible situation to be in, OP. Can be very stressful and upsetting when someone refuses to leave you alone.

valoren · 21-05-2019 12:44pm

Go to the Guards and report it. Don't feel ashamed to have to do that. They are well used to situations like this, you would most certainly not be the first to report harassment.

Someone trying to get back with you yet can send a message like "I'm going to f*ck up your life" clearly has a personality disorder.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism

....... · 21-05-2019 12:49pm

I suggest 3 things.

1 - Report to the Guards.
2 - Inform all your friends and family that "Mary" is criminally harassing you and you have reported to the Guards so could they please not respond to contact from her as its another attempt to get at you.
3 - If any friends or family contact you to tell you she has contacted them ask them not to pass that on and that you do not want to know.

SusieBlue · 21-05-2019 12:55pm

Do not react & tell your friends/relatives not to react ever. Try & have them block her as well if you can. Keep a record of everything she sent you and your family, ask them to send on screen shots.
Report it to the Gardaí, even if they can't action it yet at least its on record.

Look into getting a barring order and/or send her a cease and desist letter.
You'll probably have to get a solicitor for the latter but this is a very serious issue that needs to be dealt with. She is definitely trying to goad you, she seems extremely manipulative, so you need to protect yourself as much as possible.

Agree with the above suggestion of sending a general message out to close friends and family advising them to block/not respond to her as the matter is with your solicitor & the Gardaí. Don't let her get away with this.

sbsquarepants · 21-05-2019 1:10pm

valoren wrote: »

Someone trying to get back with you yet can send a message like "I'm going to f*ck up your life" clearly has a personality disorder.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism

The social psychologist Erich Fromm first coined the term "malignant narcissism" in 1964, describing it as a "severe mental sickness" representing "the quintessence of evil".

I think you could be overstating the seriousness here - it's an annoying slightly stalky ex, not "the quintessence of evil"!

ManOfMystery · 21-05-2019 1:19pm

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think you could be overstating the seriousness here - it's an annoying slightly stalky ex, not "the quintessence of evil"!

50 calls and 20 texts a day, and also contacting his family and friends with blatant threats to f*k his life up- is slightly stalky? I'd hate to see what you class as intense stalking.

wiggle16 · 21-05-2019 1:30pm

Debate about the severity of the harassment or the underlying cause of it isn't of any use to the OP, at the end of the day he's experiencing harassment from this person and it doesn't matter how intense it is or what's causing the ex to act this way.

sbsquarepants · 21-05-2019 1:36pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

50 calls and 20 texts a day, and also contacting his family and friends with blatant threats to f*k his life up- is slightly stalky? I'd hate to see what you class as intense stalking.

She'll soon get sick of it if she's not getting a response I'm sure.

She's clearly a bit of an asshole, possibly even a tad unhinged...but come on now, it's hardly the very definition of evil!

LegacyUser · 21-05-2019 2:59pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

That's not what he wrote. He said it's what she is intentionally trying to goad him towards.

And doesn't posting on here for advice/support constitute seeking help?

I'm not convinced. He 'flips out' at a certain point and followed that by bringing up violence.

Robotiamnot wrote: »

I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

Are you saying she's asking for it?

She can't 'play the victim' if you don't respond. She will indeed be a victim if you 'flip out'. Save the messages, talk to your friends about it and ignore her.

valoren · 21-05-2019 4:35pm

You are being taunted and provoked. You said it yourself when you said you feel driven to lashing out against her. She'll push a whole manner of buttons to try and get a reaction from you. That's what she wants and you rightly say she will play the victim. The toxic narrative will be you doing or saying something negative to her with what actually provoked you into doing that (i.e. the incessant obsessive contact, the threats) being conveniently brushed aside and your reaction exploited into getting you into trouble. My guess is that she needs to cover her ass in case she get's exposed with her own friends and family and needs some kind of "gotcha" to stitch you up with e.g. look at the horrible message he sent me *sobs* or I just asked him what happened between us and that psycho went to the guards *sobs*

You've told her it's over. It's up to the Guards now to deal with this. I would send a text, PM to friends and family along the lines that your relationship with X has finished and you are being harassed with this harassment now extending to people you know, tell them to please ignore messages from X as the Guards have been informed and will be handling the situation.

cannotlogin · 21-05-2019 6:01pm

Send one final reply to her stating that if she fails to stop contacting you/friends and fanily that you will have no option but to contact guards

Then print everything and go to the guards if there's any further contact.

The threat of the guards will shock most people into coping on, if it doesn't you have no other opinion but to do so.

PARlance · 21-05-2019 6:22pm

cannotlogin wrote: »

Send one final reply to her stating that if she fails to stop contacting you/friends and fanily that you will have no option but to contact guards

Then print everything and go to the guards if there's any further contact.

The threat of the guards will shock most people into coping on, if it doesn't you have no other opinion but to do so.

Wouldn't put the idea of going to the guards into her head tbh. God knows what she'll do.

MissShihTzu · 21-05-2019 7:55pm

PARlance wrote: »

Wouldn't put the idea of going to the guards into her head tbh. God knows what she'll do.

I agree. The girl sounds more than a little unhinged. Do not answer, do not engage in any way. Go to the Gards as the others have said. Get copies of any messages sent to your friends and family, and show those to the Gards too.

Hopefully, they'll pop round to have a word and tell the silly girl to cop on.

Arrival · 22-05-2019 1:26am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Violence is your last resort? Get some help.

You should get some help with your elementary level comprehension skills, since we're telling others what to do

suicide_circus · 22-05-2019 6:39am

go to the gardai before she makes a false claim against you. if, as she said, she wants to f*ck up your life, she could well go that way.

lawred2 · 22-05-2019 6:47am

Robotiamnot wrote: »

Any advice guys . I've blocked her on everything ,now she's resorting to messaging my friends and family. Has been going on for the last month( we had what I'd call a relatively short relationship)I have about 200 messeges ( i ignored) saved on my phone . They go anywhere from I want you back to I hate you and I'm going to fu-k your life up .. Today she's pestering one of my mates. threats of all kinds towards me .if I respond it ends up in a full on fight . I can't seam to get it into her head that we are over, she won't listen when I tell her it's not normal to ring 50 times a day and leave 20 text messages so trying to talk is pointless . I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

Harassment. Go to the guards.

1hnr79jr65 · 22-05-2019 7:01am

Is there a member of her family such as parents you got on well with you could talk to. Going to the guards is perfectly reasonable and you well within your rights and i have no problem advocating going to them if truly needed.

But the compassionate side of me says this girl doesn't sound too well of mind and maybe approach that person you know and show them what she has sent so they can understand where she is really at in her mind, as they will only see what she presents to them and may not get help she needs to deal with this.

ManOfMystery · 22-05-2019 9:48am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

She'll soon get sick of it if she's not getting a response I'm sure.

You're greatly underestimating how obsessed stalkers can become.

Response will certainly fuel them on, but a lack of response can sometimes also be infuriating for them and drives them to even greater obsession. I had my own similar situation around 15 years ago with an ex who wouldn't accept that I no longer wanted to be around her, her violent behaviour or her toxicity - constant calls, texts, blatant threats, veiled threats, etc. I moved for work to a city 100 miles away and came out of my apartment one night to find her sitting in her car across the street. I didn't respond once to her over many months and the volume of communication from her increased if anything.

The only solution in a situation like this is to take it to the authorities. Depending on how obsessed she is, a visit from them might be the wakeup call she needs to knock it on the head. And if that doesn't work, then at least it's on record so the OP can pursue it further via the law/legal route.

SozBbz · 29-05-2019 4:59pm

You have to suffocate this situation OP.

It sounds like you answer the odd call and respond to the odd text, even if only to tell her to go away. You need to stop doing this. Any response you give her is still attention and thats what shes craving. Make sure friends and family do the same. Treat her like she's thin air.

Also, go to the Guards. Likelihood is that a stern word should be enough to put a stop to her gallop. If not, at least you have a record of her abuse to date.

Eva_C · 29-05-2019 8:56pm

I'd suggest responding to any further text with something along the lines of.....Cease & Desist with all the calls & texts. Mention the calls & texts are harassment & attach a link to the Non Fatal Offences Against The Person Act 1997.
Do not engage other than to communicate the above.
Mention that if they do not stop with immediate effect, your next step is to contact the Guards & report them.
Best of luck!

valoren · 30-05-2019 9:56am

Eva_C wrote: »

I'd suggest responding to any further text with something along the lines of.....Cease & Desist with all the calls & texts. Mention the calls & texts are harassment & attach a link to the Non Fatal Offences Against The Person Act 1997.
Do not engage other than to communicate the above.
Mention that if they do not stop with immediate effect, your next step is to contact the Guards & report them.
Best of luck!

On Harassement;

(1) Any person who, without lawful authority or reasonable
excuse, by any means including by use of the telephone, harasses
another by persistently following, watching, pestering, besetting or
communicating with him or her, shall be guilty of an offence.

(2) For the purposes of this section a person harasses another
where—
(a) he or she, by his or her acts intentionally or recklessly,
seriously interferes with the other’s peace and privacy or
causes alarm, distress or harm to the other, and
(b) his or her acts are such that a reasonable person would
realise that the acts would seriously interfere with the
other’s peace.

That's why you should go to the guards. You can't be at peace if she is going to friends and family.

LazySamaritan · 01-06-2019 9:54am

Robotiamnot wrote: »

Any advice guys . I've blocked her on everything ,now she's resorting to messaging my friends and family. Has been going on for the last month( we had what I'd call a relatively short relationship)I have about 200 messeges ( i ignored) saved on my phone . They go anywhere from I want you back to I hate you and I'm going to fu-k your life up .. Today she's pestering one of my mates. threats of all kinds towards me .if I respond it ends up in a full on fight . I can't seam to get it into her head that we are over, she won't listen when I tell her it's not normal to ring 50 times a day and leave 20 text messages so trying to talk is pointless . I have a fair point I get to before I flip out and she's pushing me there quite fast lately . I don't condone violence but it's what she's looking and pushing for so she can then play the victim .How does one deal with this

Everyone saying go to the Guards is 100% correct.

And do not put it off.

I had a similar situation a few years ago after one date. It wasn't half as bad as what you describe but I can imagine how it feels.

I was also told go to the Guards but I didn't do it. The woman did it herself and somehow twisted my replies to make me look like the weirdo.

It was only the grace of God that it came to the attention of someone who knew me and her before it got out of hand but I can vouch that the Guards will take it seriously.

Nikki Sixx · 01-06-2019 10:06am

I hope you don’t own any bunnies OP.

WIZWEB · 03-06-2019 3:51am

I know Malignant Narcissism has been mentioned here. Believe me I've more experience in that topic than I ever wanted. It did cross my mind when I first posted a reply that she may be a narcissist and I see some evidence to catergorise it. She's most likely not a Malignant one as they exist in a totally different sphere as I experienced, have studied and worked with as clients (murderers among them). Not minimising your experience but they do more than stalk, hound and threaten to destroy you. She wants you to engage with her. Threats ensure an emotional reaction and she hopes a reply. Again not minimising but if Malignant you would have got a greater backlash by now and not just verbal. If anything her fluctuating love/hate outbursts evidence more Borderline Personality Disordered and histrionic from the pieces of evidence shared. Even without a personality disorder she obviously has serious mental health issues. That's not your problem though.

My original points stand for anyone toxic including narcissists or other Cluster B personalities looking for supply (attention). Block and complete No Contact. Eventually they go seek a new target (victim). They love drama. All attention whether positive or negative keeps you in their cycle. If you experienced love bombing, devaluation and perhaps a discard during your time together then that would evidence Narcissism more. Though these events can take months or more to materialise. Whatever she is be rid. You don't need a diagnosis to be done.

Unfortunately from my own engagements with the legal profession and a discussion with a barrister he informed me that Harassment charges rarely reach successful conclusions of serious sanctions in court. He said one of the few successful cases was actually against a colleague of his causing a similar scenario to yours. So that could be your focal point if Court is an avenue required. Unless there are strong threats of serious violence in her messages you won't have much to go on. They literally have to clearly specify violence and if enough time has passed the threats of violence nearly must have occurred! The barrister stated it's a fairly toothless piece of legislation. The Gardai must at least warn her off which might work. If she is Malignant you might in fact get a physical reaction from her instead so be careful. I don't want to scare you but think of the movie 'Misery'. Incredibly rare though and as I stated she's most likely Borderline with Histrionic traits. Worth a Google for further clarification.

It may be easier just to change your number too. Worse case scenario you may even have to block certain friends etc if they continue to engage with her. If you've any pattern of people like this in your life then learn about early red flags, decreasing tolerance and increasing your personal boundaries. Do not leave any avenue open for her to contact you directly. As others have stated inform family/friends and work too of your situation and demand they do not engage nor pass on any personal information about you. Even if you see her in the street you just walk by. No response to anything said or done unless physical self defense. If Borderline or even Narcissistic she's most likely all drama and talk only.

How to deal with a non stop ex

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