This close to a nervous breakdown

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 2:59pm #1

Hi all,

I've had too much on my plate. The last two years have been the worst of my life, and within the last six months everything just keeps getting worse with no end in sight.

I broke up with an ex two years ago, we had pets together. He refused to move out, would bring girls back there when I wasn't home. I ended up staying for a year because I had no savings and nowhere to go. After he roared in my face one day, I had to ask my mother could I move home. I didn't want to do this as my mother verbally, emotionally and physically abused me from childhood to my teenage years but I had no where else to go.

I moved home, took one of the pets, and was distraught to have to leave my other boy behind. I still cry about it to this day.

My mother went back to her old ways when I stayed in her home, was verbally and emotionally abusive. I asked my siblings for help and they asked "what did you do to her to make her act that way?" I had no choice after she lied outright and said she was doing nothing, to move to my dad's across town. He also became verbally abusive and threatened me multiple times. Long story short, I lived on spaghetti for 7 weeks to save enough money to move back to the city where I was originally.

Moved in with a friend, all went well until I asked him to do his share of chores. HE absolutely flipped, became verbally abusive. He moved shortly after that thankfully. Got another roommate, prissy American girl who didn't understand that electricity cost money or that dishes needed to be washed in hot water. Also never helped with regular chores around the flat.

I was seeing someone during this time (a long standing friend). I was in a very vunerable place, still grieving over the loss of my last relationship (we had lived together for 4 years), and the loss of my pet. I feel dumb because he was very sexually degrading and because of the mental space I was in, I thought it was ok. I ended things with him, and my entire friend circle dropped me overnight. i don't know what he told them about me, but I took it as a win rather than a loss because those people were never my friends (truly) to begin with if they thought it was ok to cut contact this way.

That was May of this year.

Since then, I've dealt with:

- Having to deal with my mother being placed in a home (Alzheimers)

- Dealing with harassment from a neigbour downstairs who is out to get me merely because I had the downstairs door open for less than 5 minutes on two occasions and because I have a cat. She's one of these people who wants to control everything, and thinks that because she owns her own apartment, she can dictate to the other residents what to do. She has physically threatened me, sworn at me, followed me to find out what apartment I'm in etc. I reported her to the Gardai and they were of little help.

- Dealt with a male neighbour upstairs who when I turned down his advances (after learning he beat up his ex), started stalking me, banging on my door, turning up in places I would frequent, putting notes under my door, endless texts begging me to watch a movie with him etc. Called the Gardai and they dealt with him, but I still have to see him regularly.

- Letting agency being absolutely horrible, unprofessional and useless (that is a thread in itself, won't help with harassment, speaking down to me, won't fix things in a timely manner, act like I'm causing trouble for trying to keep the place in good condition etc )

- A new roommate moving in, deciding to move out with no notice after one month, leaving me with bills and rent to pay, wouldn't speak to me, had her uncle come into my home and physically intimidate me. I literally never did anything to this girl except be a decent roommate (would cook her dinners, pick up things for her in town)

- Diagnosed with spinal problems and disc compression issues resulting in balance issues, sciatica, resulting in me not being able to work (I also suffer from anxiety, depression and other issues).

- And most recently a beauty procedure turning out horribly and the woman who performed it accusing me of slander and refusing to give me a refund so I had to lodge a complaint to the Small Claims Court.

There's more but I think my mind is blocking out the smaller things to help me cope. I must mention my memory is absolutely woeful now (therapist says it's due to stress), and I desperately love learning about space, physics etc, but I cannot retain any new information I take in. I feel like an idiot, even though I have two degrees and am well educated.

I'm literally at my wits end. Everything is going wrong and there's no end. I feel so lost in my life, and very, very alone. I have no social life, and my confidence is reduced to zero. The only time I go outside is to walk my pet and to attend therapy once a week when able. Even then going outside brings me to the edge of a panic attack in case I encounter that woman, or the male neighbour again. My mother calls me upwards of 4 times a day. My mind struggles with trying to be kind to her because of what I had to deal with with her during my childhood and teenage years. She just thinks because I cannot work, I have nothing better to do than to talk to her. I care for her but harbour a lot of anger toward her at the same time. She has always completely denied/doesn't remember ever being abusive toward me. My father wants to dictate what I do with my life. This coming from a former alcoholic who drank my inheritance and wasn't in my life until I was a teenager.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice per se, as I don't know what anyone could advise, I just am incredibly worried for my mental health and my future. I'm in my early 30's. It just seems the harder I try to assert myself, or stand up for myself, the more I'm beaten down for it, and the nicer and more considerate I am towards others, the more they take advantage of it.

Every day I struggle trying not to absolutely destroy everything in my surroundings because I'm so angry and so frustrated.

Thanks for reading.

Edited to add: I currently live alone. Trying to get a new roommate before the 1st but I am finding it impossible to trust anyone now after what the last one did to me. I will most likely pay the entire rent for November so I have more time to find a suitable roommate, and it will also give me time to work on myself.

antix80 · 23-10-2019 3:28pm

Op, maybe you are a magnet for abusive people.. But that's a lot of people who seem to have it in for you.

You need to reconcile/integrate your issues with your parents and then stop repeating the negative patterns in your relationships with other people.

Im late 30s now and i cant say I'm always a joy, but having grown up with parents who sound a lot like yours it really made me defensive to the point of confrontational with people. It got to the point where i had to change my own mindset. .. life is tough - what's illness, death, loss, etc, compared to a housemate washing dishes with cold water? If you let every small issue knock you you won't cope with the actual tragedies in life.

Tip for house-sharing.. Pay for a cleaner. If your friend leaves dirty dishes in the sink - just wash them. Don't be angry. You're saving 50% on rent for this minor inconvenience. If they leave the heat on, well at least you benefit from it too.

antix80 · 23-10-2019 3:39pm

Just to add.. Sorry if my post sounds flippant. I genuinely know what you're going through. It seems like you need to get out of this rut you're in.
Is your therapy still working? Or could you benefit from a new approach?

One practical thing I'd change straight away is to set a few boundaries with your mother. Cut the call down to once a day, at a set time, and keep it short. It's clearly draining you of energy you could be investing in yourself

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 3:47pm

antix80 wrote: »

Just to add.. Sorry if my post sounds flippant. I genuinely know what you're going through. It seems like you need to get out of this rut you're in.
Is your therapy still working? Or could you benefit from a new approach?

One practical thing I'd change straight away is to set a few boundaries with your mother. Cut the call down to once a day, at a set time, and keep it short. It's clearly draining you of energy you could be investing in yourself

Thanks for both your replies.

Hiring a cleaner isn't an option, because I can't work, my money is tight. I would never hire someone to clean my home, it's a small apartment, and cleaning pretty much all I can do most days. It's not a current issue, plus I don't think it's out of the question to expect another adult to clean up after themselves.

In regards to your second post, I enjoy therapy, but one hour once a week makes it hard to actually work through things. I can't afford more than that though.

With my mother, I've discussed this with her but she "forgets". I know some might view this as a cruel comment because she has Alzheimer's but there are things she legitimately forgets and then things she forgets because it's convenient for her. She's been like that since I was a child.

I've resorted to putting my phone in a box after 4pm. Yet every morning there's always calls and texts from her on my phone. I remind her daily that I don't use my phone after 4pm. She never remembers, and will call/text multiple times between 10am and 4pm. My other siblings work and they are constantly behind the scenes criticise me that I don't visit her more often etc. I do what I can when I'm physically and mentally able but they hate me for it. I don't have contact with any of them anymore. I'm trying to work on myself now so that when things get tougher down the road I can be useful, but it's just the constant hate from them and everything else going on, makes it near impossible to better myself now.

Thank you for your advice, it's practical, and I do appreciate it.

punisher5112 · 23-10-2019 3:54pm

You need to try and get out, is there anything work wise you could do.

Are you confiding to the wrong people and then they take advantage of you or treat you like dirt.

You have a pet so that's a plus and I understand you had to split with the other. Would you consider rescuing another and try and move on from the loss of the other.

If you are in a really bad spot could you get some therapy such as see a councilor.

Gp would be another option or the likes of the Samaritans all depends on where your heads at.

Mr. Incognito · 23-10-2019 3:56pm

Hi there.

First off breathe- It will get better. This is just a low point in your life and you will get there.

The problem with not working is that it is isolating and you have no money to do anything. I did it for 2 years and I was thoroughly depressed after it.

The end of such a relationship and a new toxic one has really probably destroyed your confidence. It is a quirk of life that abusive people seem to have some sort of 6th sense for someone who is vulnerable and tend to move in.

My advice is simple, set your clock, get up early and get out of the house. Volunteer, go for walks, join groups or any type of social group. Dont underestimate the power of having a housemate and the social activity that can bring.

Also, mind yourself. You are in a place where your mental health and physical health are detoriating. They are linked. Try to go for long walks.

Finally, if you have free time, set small goals. Read a book, write, learn and instrument, visit second hand stores. Do things that keep you active.

I know that it is hard to keep the faith but these passages in life are normally no matter what social media sells you. You will get through it and you will regain your confidence. Don't lose hope or faith.

You are capable of love and being loved.

You are not an idiot.

You will get through this.

I'm sending you some virtual hugs. It's okay.

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 4:00pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

You need to try and get out, is there anything work wise you could do.

Are you confiding to the wrong people and then they take advantage of you or treat you like dirt.

You have a pet so that's a plus and I understand you had to split with the other. Would you consider rescuing another and try and move on from the loss of the other.

If you are in a really bad spot could you get some therapy such as see a councilor.

Gp would be another option or the likes of the Samaritans all depends on where your heads at.

Hi Punisher (great show!... unless this is an S&M related username), thanks for responding.

My therapist pointed out that because of the state I'm in, I am attracting negative people who are taking advantage of my kind nature. I just want to see the best in people and be there for them and make sure they feel listened to etc.

Regards another pet? Oh my, no. The current one is demanding enough! I made the decision a while back to never have children, so this floof will most likely be my only heir(!)

And yes, to confirm, I have been seeing a good therapist once a week. I tried Samaritans the other week, but I found their responses to be a bit robotic like, just repeating what you've said and saying they're sorry. I totally understand for legal reasons that that's pretty much all they can do.

Thank you for replying, this helps me feel a little less lonely today.

Edit: No, currently I'm unable to work until I am seen by a specialist who can help determine what I can do going forward. Believe me, I'm going nuts not being able to do anything physical.

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 4:03pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there.

First off breathe- It will get better. This is just a low point in your life and you will get there.

The problem with not working is that it is isolating and you have no money to do anything. I did it for 2 years and I was thoroughly depressed after it.

The end of such a relationship and a new toxic one has really probably destroyed your confidence. It is a quirk of life that abusive people seem to have some sort of 6th sense for someone who is vulnerable and tend to move in.

My advice is simple, set your clock, get up early and get out of the house. Volunteer, go for walks, join groups or any type of social group. Dont underestimate the power of having a housemate and the social activity that can bring.

Also, mind yourself. You are in a place where your mental health and physical health are detoriating. They are linked. Try to go for long walks.

Finally, if you have free time, set small goals. Read a book, write, learn and instrument, visit second hand stores. Do things that keep you active.

I know that it is hard to keep the faith but these passages in life are normally no matter what social media sells you. You will get through it and you will regain your confidence. Don't lose hope or faith.

You are capable of love and being loved.

You are not an idiot.

You will get through this.

I'm sending you some virtual hugs. It's okay.

Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions and kind words!

I left all social media this year (Facebook 4 years ago). And I'm always up at 8 and bed at 11. I'm a creature of habit! ^_^

Edit: I find it hard to motivate myself to do much outside other than walk my pet. I know it might seem lame, but I don't want to leave him on his own for too long, for fear he'll think I've abandoned him (I know this thought is not based in reality, but it's just stemming back to having to leave my other boy behind). Plus, my back and legs become really painful if I sit, stand or walk for too long. I've been trying to get back into yoga recently, but just motivating myself is really hard. Thank you again though!

antix80 · 23-10-2019 4:04pm

Your mother texting and calling isn't the problem.
The problem is that you let seeing "missed calls" bother you... Or thinking you had to answer. You don't. Just text back "will call later x"

I'd the same problem with my mother. I'd little do do in the evening so I'd feel guilty ignoring her calls.. Only years later i realised how my whole evening was taken up getting the call out of the way. Home by 6. Dinner 6.30. An hour long call anytime from 7 til 9. 30. And the whole evening squandered... Well it's not like i was doing anything else, right? I felt these calls were like a gas that just filled up my free time. And all the time she'd talk about people I didn't care about, events that didn't interest me.. No new thoughts or ways of thinking, no one new to confide dreams in, often an undercurrent of negativity. And weeks and months going by with that awful routine. Is that sane?

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 4:09pm

antix80 wrote: »

Your mother texting and calling isn't the problem.
The problem is that you let seeing "missed calls" bother you... Or thinking you had to answer. You don't. Just text back "will call later x"

I'd the same problem with my mother. I'd little do do in the evening so I'd feel guilty ignoring her calls.. Only years later i realised how my whole evening was taken up getting the call out of the way. Home by 6. Dinner 6.30. An hour long call anytime from 7 til 9. 30. And the whole evening squandered... Well it's not like i was doing anything else, right? I felt these calls were like a gas that just filled up my free time. And all the time she'd talk about people I didn't care about, events that didn't interest me.. No new thoughts or ways of thinking, no one new to confide dreams in, often an undercurrent of negativity. And weeks and months going by with that awful routine. Is that sane?

Thank you so much for pointing this out to me. I literally had not thought of it that way. You're absolutely right.

When we do have calls, I always try to motivate her to learn new things, or try new activities to occupy her time and all I get is "I've no interest". So instead she just complains to me all the time about being bored, lonely, and about other residents in the care home. I can't help her, and I feel it's just a negative cycle, her negativity is feeding into mine, and I see so much of her beahviour and attitude in my own and it scares the living hell out of me. I feel I'm going to end up like her.

Seriously, thank you very much for pointing this out to me.

punisher5112 · 23-10-2019 4:16pm

SCC88, I get what you're saying and yes it can of course be lonely.

You sound way too nice and this is in fact causing issues as you say so yourself.

My user name is just something I came up with as I suppose I don't take sh1t and I had just watched it a few days before signing up....

Could you do some charity work or is it not possible? Don't be commenting if this is too personal.
Just an idea as in to get out for the few hours and get talking to others I suppose.

I've never had a huge group of friends myself and never had an easy time making any especially in school and I'm sure that's why I try and keep to myself as much as possible but love having people over and going out.

Few friends I have and then the wife has loads so I'm happy enough.

Work can be the hardest part as dealing with the public is an absolute pain.

I do hope it works out for you and I noticed you lock up the phone, is this not causing more harm then good?

On your mother part that's very tough and how she treated you.
She probably most likely had demons herself but I believe there is no excuse to treat ones kids in that way.
I think the way she wants you around more might be a way of her trying to make up for that but it's difficult to say as it could be pure selfishness on her part.

antix80 · 23-10-2019 4:16pm

SCC88 wrote: »

Seriously, thank you very much for pointing this out to me.

No problem! Tbh it's not her fault. She's lonely.. Maybe you are too. It's just an easy set up for both of you as it requires so little effort. It's not good for you.

A good exercise is this.. Think about if you had alll the time in the world, but you had to leave your home at 8am and not come home til 9pm, every day. In an ideal world, how would you spend those days? What would they look like, what would you do?

punisher5112 · 23-10-2019 4:20pm

SCC88 wrote: »

Thank you so much for pointing this out to me. I literally had not thought of it that way. You're absolutely right.

When we do have calls, I always try to motivate her to learn new things, or try new activities to occupy her time and all I get is "I've no interest". So instead she just complains to me all the time about being bored, lonely, and about other residents in the care home. I can't help her, and I feel it's just a negative cycle, her negativity is feeding into mine, and I see so much of her beahviour and attitude in my own and it scares the living hell out of me. I feel I'm going to end up like her.

Seriously, thank you very much for pointing this out to me.

I think she just wants to vent and chat to be honest.

I wouldn't bother pushing her as it's causing you stress.

Go in if you're up for it say pick out a day or two and talk about happy things and how things are going well for yourself (which hopefully will start), let her have the bitch about the others as it's a great vent and this is exactly what you need yourself as in let it out.

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 4:26pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

You sound way too nice and this is in fact causing issues as you say so yourself.

The world is full of ****ty people, and I don't want to let my circumstances turn me into one! I try not to allow people to take advantage of me. I give people second chances and if there's problems I always say it straight out, in a factual way, not a rude one. But people get their defences up and then I'm the bad person. I don't understand people who do things via notes or texts.

punisher5112 wrote: »

Could you do some charity work or is it not possible? Don't be commenting if this is too personal. Just an idea as in to get out for the few hours and get talking to others I suppose.

I would really like to get involved with my community and helping others, but I'm afraid to commit myself to something that I may not be able to adhere to given my different conditions and anxieties. Former "friends" used to call me flaky because I would often cancel last minute due to anxiety or feeling unwell etc. I hate the thought of letting people down. The guilt from that alone is often debilitating and stops me making any plans to begin with.

punisher5112 wrote: »

I do hope it works out for you and I noticed you lock up the phone, is this not causing more harm then good?

Thank you, and I don't believe so, I don't like looking at my phone all day or being reachable all the time.

punisher5112 wrote: »

On your mother part that's very tough and how she treated you. She probably most likely had demons herself but I believe there is no excuse to treat ones kids in that way. I think the way she wants you around more might be a way of her trying to make up for that but it's difficult to say as it could be pure selfishness on her part.

I agree it's no excuse, but I had a very revealing session two weeks ago where my therapist pretending to be in a particular situation where my mother hit me when I was 5, and she shouted "You're a bad mother" at this memory, and I instantly jumped to my mother's defence, saying she had a lot to deal with (single mother, trying to raise 4 of us alone, my dad used to beat her etc) and it wasn't her fault. So there is conflict because she's my mother and part of me loves her, but I also hate her for what she did, because her circumstances should not have given her reason to abuse me. It was pretty overwhelming to realise that. And yes, she has tried her best to re-establish a relationship over the years, but sometimes I feel now that she just uses me when she's lonely. Because when her friends call to her, or other family members she ignores my calls or just says she'll call me back and hangs up. It's very confusing to feel this way all my life.

SCC88 · 23-10-2019 4:30pm

antix80 wrote: »

No problem! Tbh it's not her fault. She's lonely.. Maybe you are too. It's just an easy set up for both of you as it requires so little effort. It's not good for you.

A good exercise is this.. Think about if you had alll the time in the world, but you had to leave your home at 8am and not come home til 9pm, every day. In an ideal world, how would you spend those days? What would they look like, what would you do?

....

I actually have no idea. I don't really like the city I live in anymore (been here almost 14 years), I've never been very social (trying new things or going new places).

Maybe volunteer and help others? Attend some interesting talks? Read on a bench? Take a class? This is actually really difficult to think about! I would like to be confident enough (and have enough expendable income) to do things on my own. I'm more inclined to do things during summer, but coming into winter, I literally go into hibernation mode, which I guess can make things more difficult.

punisher5112 · 23-10-2019 4:44pm

Would you be into or like to try out likes of spinning class, swimming or see if there is even likes of dog walking group or something you would be into.

*This* close to a nervous breakdown

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This close to a nervous breakdown