Disclosing sexuality when looking for housemate

LegacyUser · 20-10-2019 10:08pm #1

My current housemate is moving out and I need to rent the other room in my two bed apartment. I'm a gay man, but I tend to fly under the radar so very few people suspect when they first meet me. I'm openly gay, but wouldn't generally bring it up unless specifically asked.

If I'm interviewing someone for the room, should I disclose to them that I am gay, or would that just be odd? I was considering doing it for two reasons. Firstly to gauge whether they are homophobic or not. Secondly to have it out in the open that I may have male "visitors" or partners coming over. I want to be comfortable in my home and if I'm tiptoeing around being gay it would be very awkward.

Is it something that I should say when doing viewings or only if it comes up naturally?
How would I even bring it up in conversation?
Is it possible it could turn people (potentially men) off sharing with a gay man?

zapper55 · 21-10-2019 11:39am

I often see 'gay friendly' on rent a room ads. Why not put that in?

ArthurG · 21-10-2019 1:35pm

You're overthinking it. Unless you have massive free for all orgies in the living room, I doubt it would be an issue.

If you're worried, I'd interview prospectives and once you're happy with them casually slip it in to the conversation to see what reaction you get.

wiggle16 · 21-10-2019 1:41pm

If you feel you need to make potential housemates aware of it, you could bring it up in an oblique way. When you're showing them around, make reference to something in the room (wall colour, a piece of furniture, anything really) and bring it into the conversation. For example:

"Don't mind that ugly wall-hanging, it belonged to my ex-boyfriend, I'm getting rid of it soon."

"Excuse the crappy paint-job/lino/countertop, it was an ex-boyfriend's idea."

If it were me, I don't think I would feel the need to bring it up, but if you do, try to make it seem as natural a part of the conversation as you can, and white lies like the above are no harm.
I'm a gay guy myself but I would find it a litte offputting if a potential housemate directly said "by the way I'm gay, just so you know".

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 21-10-2019 1:44pm

It is awkward but it would also be quite a bit more than awkward to end up living with someone who had a problem with you.

You can make it known in the conversation without it being toe-curlingly awkward.

"Oh you work at suchandsuch? I think my ex used to work there! Which department you in? No he was in sales."

"Oh thanks, my boyfriend actually got that for the flat"

You can probably gauge their reaction to that pretty well?

If it is really worrying you there's no harm specifying gay friendly in the ad, or advertising in some place that's geared to a gay audience.

tara73 · 21-10-2019 2:31pm

I would recommend being really direct here. I don't see an issue or awkwardness with saying for example: I'm gay, I'm not doing any orgies here(jokingly) but I need people to move in who are 100% ok with gay people.

With subtle remarks there could always be people who are not getting it for whatever reasons or you won't be able to read their reaction clearly because it's a subtle and unexpected remark.

with this directness you really rule out any 'right' for anyone to act weird towards your sexual orientation and as you said, nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your own home. then maybe some uncormfortableness in an interview but better that than when they moved in!

leggo · 23-10-2019 1:03am

I get where you’re coming from but I’d feel very uncomfortable if someone brought up something like orgies during something as awkward and formal as a viewing, and I’d be pretty open chatting about that kinda stuff normally so it’s not prudishness. It’d immediately give me a red flag that this wasn’t someone self-aware and with normal boundaries. When I was holding viewings not too long ago, even stuff like people bringing up how pissed they were at the weekend set off red flags (whereas I’d lap those kind of stories up once they’re moved in). A viewing is like an interview: you can have pleasant banter but both parties should still be on their best behaviour and put their best foot forward.

Gently mentioning the ex-boyfriend thing is a good way to go about it. If you’re talking to someone who has a problem with it, it’ll definitely land because it’ll strike them as odd, even if not immediately. If it goes over their head that’s a pretty good sign that it won’t bother. And, let’s face it, when someone you don’t expect comes out, even casually, it’s something you snap out of whatever you’re doing for.

ManOfMystery · 23-10-2019 10:34am

Personally, I would mention it - though in a subtle and very informal way.

I had a workmate for 6 years who we suspected was gay, but it was never discussed. His sexuality meant absolutely nothing to me - I have gay family members and friends so have zero hangups about it - but as we all got on really well in our office, it did mean that when we were having frequent conversations about home life, weddings, children and so on, we never quite knew if we should be referring to a male partner or female partner of his. Obviously you can just say a neutral "your partner" a lot of the time, but there are times that it made conversation a little stilted. By contrast, he knew all of our partners, or we referred to wives/husbands/etc so technically we were fully open about our own persuasions.

So I mention that only because personally I think full disclosure removes any awkwardness.

tara73 · 23-10-2019 10:42am

leggo wrote: »

I get where you’re coming from but I’d feel very uncomfortable if someone brought up something like orgies during something as awkward and formal as a viewing, .

for me, viewings looking for a flatmate (completely different than renting an apartment for a sole person/couple/family) shouldn't be awkward and informal. If they are, it's already the wrong person. If they're not getting the 'orgie' remark/joke (hence why I wrote jokingly) they wouldn't be the right person anyway so you can see it as kind of a tactic to weed out the humourless or non suited.

But as I wrote, the sentence was only a suggestion or example, it's up to the OP anyway to see if it's his way.

blairbear · 23-10-2019 11:02am

tara73 wrote: »

for me, viewings looking for a flatmate (completely different than renting an apartment for a sole person/couple/family) shouldn't be awkward and informal. If they are, it's already the wrong person. If they're not getting the 'orgie' remark/joke (hence why I wrote jokingly) they wouldn't be the right person anyway so you can see it as kind of a tactic to weed out the humourless or non suited.

But as I wrote, the sentence was only a suggestion or example, it's up to the OP anyway to see if it's his way.

I guess these days, a flatmate is someone that you try to co-exist alongside of without any major issues, as opposed to someone you plan on becoming friends with or going to the pub with every week. Professionals in their 30s are doing flatshares; 15 years ago they'd have bought their own place by that stage. Flatsharing IS awkward a lot of the time. (It's the bane of my life tbh!) And interviewing a potential housemate is very daunting for a lot of people, regardless of the personalities involved. I don't need to get on with a flatmate at all. I barely see or speak to them, so meeting them at any stage is awkward.

I would put LGBTQIA household on the ads. I see that on plenty of the ads on daft.

Diceicle · 23-10-2019 11:55am

tara73 wrote: »

I would recommend being really direct here. I don't see an issue or awkwardness with saying for example: I'm gay, I'm not doing any orgies here(jokingly) but I need people to move in who are 100% ok with gay people.

</snip>

I think this coupled with a mention of 'LGBT-friendly' on the advert would be the best approach.

Homelander · 23-10-2019 3:12pm

I don't see a problem being direct. Just say on the ad that you're looking for gay-friendly housemate/housemates? There's no need to go over-thinking it with the whole made-up ex boyfriend line.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 23-10-2019 3:21pm

As others have mentioned I've seen it on accommodation ads before so might we worth just adding it there.

I don't think you would need to mention it in conversation.

You shouldn't really have to mention it at all but like you said you don't want to end up with a homophobic housemate either.

Good luck!

cj maxx · 24-10-2019 9:38am

You should definitely say it to a potential house mate imo. How do you do that ? Just say you're gay and your boyfriend , or pickup, might stay over some nights.
Dropping hints is fine but you're better to be straight ?with him and just be honest.
I assumed you're looking for a male flat mate

Hoboo · 24-10-2019 9:48am

As a hetro or whatever I'm called these days I think it's ****ing terrible you feel you should have to tell anyone your sexuality, it's nobody's business. I certainly wouldn't interview anyone and make it clear im straight (or whatever the word is these days). If someone told me they were gay I think I'd be a bit surprised they told me ( complete indifference and not my business)

My advice would be to say nothing.......being gay is normal and shouldnt need approval, but Im not in your shoes and have the benefit of rose tinted glasses. For me it would mean jack ****, once the person is clean respectful and a bit of craic.

cj maxx · 24-10-2019 12:19pm

Hoboo wrote: »

As a hetro or whatever I'm called these days I think it's ****ing terrible you feel you should have to tell anyone your sexuality, it's nobody's business. I certainly wouldn't interview anyone and make it clear im straight (or whatever the word is these days). If someone told me they were gay I think I'd be a bit surprised they told me ( complete indifference and not my business)

My advice would be to say nothing.......being gay is normal and shouldnt need approval, but Im not in your shoes and have the benefit of rose tinted glasses. For me it would mean jack ****, once the person is clean respectful and a bit of craic.

Generally I'd agree with you but I know of a case where this , not knowing your flatmate was gay , caused an awful problem for both parties. Whether it was because one man was gay or a simple clash of personalities I can't be 100% sure , but suffice to say looking for a new flat / tenant can be a long , drawn out process. Just get it out of the way imo

Hoboo · 24-10-2019 12:24pm

cjmc wrote: »

Generally I'd agree with you but I know of a case where this , not knowing your flatmate was gay , caused an awful problem for both parties. Whether it was because one man was gay or a simple clash of personalities I can't be 100% sure , but suffice to say looking for a new flat / tenant can be a long , drawn out process. Just get it out of the way imo

I can't disagree with you, I haven't been in those shoes, and I can understand for the sake of hassle its easier. It just stinks that anyone should have to announce their sexuality to anyone. Welcome to the real world I guess.

triona1 · 25-10-2019 3:18am

Go with what most are saying and just put gender friendly?nobody knows how to word things anymore and that's the point it used to be awkward to say gay but now there is the alphabet and rightly so but remember its your home you are going to let someone else live there so its entirely up to you!put gender friendly in the ad if I were you x

Jurgen Klopp · 25-10-2019 4:19am

To be honest if you put gay or LGBTQ friendly or whatever it is these days I'd just assume you were going over the top showing that you are ok with gay people etc rather than you are gay so you might not get your message across

I'd just go with what other posters have said and just drop into convo my boy friend does this or said that etc it's more natural

isohon · 30-10-2019 7:24pm

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

To be honest if you put gay or LGBTQ friendly or whatever it is these days I'd just assume you were going over the top showing that you are ok with gay people etc rather than you are gay so you might not get your message across

I'd just go with what other posters have said and just drop into convo my boy friend does this or said that etc it's more natural

Don't really agree. If one put 'must be gay friendly' I think it is pretty obvious that it means there are LGBT people in the house, not sure why one would jump to assume it would be an example of so called 'virtue signalling'.

I'd put in the add. Yeah I guess you could go through the whole slipping it into conversation but honestly why waste your time when a line in the add would likely doing the sorting for you?

Disclosing sexuality when looking for housemate

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