Am I imagining things?

throwaway122 · 20-10-2019 9:53pm #1

Throwaway account as I know this may seem bizarre to say the least. I can't believe I am writing this to say the least.

I(24M) have been going out with my girlfriend for a year now. Everything has been going well, she's a really great girl. We are like best friends and share everything. She is absolutely stunning and I am punching way above my weight in the looks department. I know I am not hideous yet people always seem surprised we are together. She suffers from confidence issues and can get quite down at times but as I said we have had a great relationship so far.

She is an only child to a single mother who she has a difficult relationship with. With that being said, my family have really taken to her and she is considered part of the clan. I am living at home with my parents and younger brothers and she can go weeks staying with me at a time. All great so far, she's more than welcome.

There is only one issue (I am not sure if it's even a thing hence the title). She has developed a very close relationship with my dad. They took to each other from the moment they met. In the past he has made comments on her looks which I thought inappropriate but she seemed to love. They were all laughed off of course. She has said to me how handsome he is (jokingly but he is a goodlooking man) and how lucky I am to have a caring dad.

I have to admit their closeness is getting to me a small bit. I came in from work one day to find them both coming up the hall from my parents bedroom, they said they were having a good chat. There was another occassion where I walked in on her in a towel after a shower chatting to him in the kitchen. No big deal but I something felt off.

Then recently when I was at work, she sent me a text which basically said '(My name) is at work and (my mam) is out with a friend. xx "

This was obviously not meant for me and she wouldn't send xxs to anyone else really. She explained it away by saying the xxs were autocorrect and that the text was meant for my father who was wondering who was home.

All a little bit strange but I really like her and I am open to the idea that I am totally overreacting.

Any thoughts?

Salary Negotiator · 20-10-2019 9:56pm

Does she ever use the phrase “that’s not how your father does it.”

Seriously though my suspicions would be up, the text message alone would have me asking questions.

unattendedbag · 20-10-2019 10:23pm

I don't think you have any evidence to go on here. It would be a major breach of trust on both sides if they were up to anything. You would prob be made out to be delusional if you accused anybody of anything.

Just watch and observe. If something was happening behind your back you would see changes in their behaviour or personality. If you feel their is inappropriate behaviour going on then a private word in someone's ear would do, but you run the risk of permanently ruining relationships if you accused them of an affair and it's not true. In short you'd nearly need to catch them red handed.

throwaway122 · 20-10-2019 10:23pm

Salary Negotiator wrote: »

Does she ever use the phrase “that’s not how your father does it.”

Seriously though my suspicions would be up, the text message alone would have me asking questions.

I just don't know what to do.

killbillvol2 · 20-10-2019 10:28pm

The most innocent explanation is that she's bonded with your father as she didn't have a father figure in her life growing up. That scenario is quite common and, if you look at it logically, quite likely.

Do you honestly suspect that your father is carrying on with your girlfriend? Or her with him?

Fakediamond · 21-10-2019 1:08am

I don’t know what possible word xx would be autocorrecting. It sounds a bit suspicious to me, but then I don’t know if you’re a suspicious type, who often misreads situations or overreacts in everyday life. God it would be awful if it’s true and would cause untold damage to your family unit.

Gut instinct can be powerful though, so it’d definitely worth keeping a close eye on things to see if you can confirm your suspicions.

leggo · 21-10-2019 3:13am

I wouldn’t read too much into the x’s, that’s a very routine thing people can get into the habit of doing. I know mates of mine would send me x’s by mistake because they’d be used to texting their fellas and just do it out of instinct.

That’s really the only bit of ‘evidence’ you have to go on here. Do you honestly think your dad would do that to you? Do you have trust issues, which could even be valid based off past actions, with this girl or anything to go on? Or are you perhaps projecting past issues onto her and spotting connections where there are none?

It’s impossible for us to tell you definitively whether your girlfriend and Dad are having an affair or not. What I’d say is that it’d be a LOT if they were: your Dad would have to not care about you, your mother or ripping your family apart and your girlfriend would have to not care about essentially destroying your entire world. If you think that then it begs the natural question of why you’re with her to begin with. Or the alternative is that you’re insecure that she’s too good for you, which you’ve kind of outlined in your post too despite it not having much to do with your actual issue, and looking for threats literally everywhere to the point you’re convincing yourself her and your Dad are having it off in your family home. What feels most likely to you here living in the situation?

minikin · 21-10-2019 6:54am

Ask your father for advice, say you think you have to break up with her because you suspect she might be seeing some scumbag behind your back and it’s making you feel very depressed. See how he reacts.

pwurple · 21-10-2019 7:12am

Why is she wandering around in a towel in your parents house?

wirelessdude01 · 21-10-2019 7:24am

Lots of coincidences here but that's what they might be, just coincidences. Realistically you have suspicions and doubts now and no matter what, these are now in your head and will be hard to shake no matter what reassurances you receive.

She is old enough to know some of what she is doing is at best very suggestive.

rolling boh · 21-10-2019 8:31am

Think the text would have me thinking and also not very appropriate to be hanging around with just a towel on in the house . Really hope nothing going on as this would cause untold damage to a lot of people.You sound like you have a slight self esteem issue when you think someone is out of your league try and avoid that as it could make you very suspicious of even the most innocent things but in this case you may have to be very observant. Hope it works out for you.

zapper55 · 21-10-2019 12:03pm

Theres no way on earth I'd be sit chatting with a member of my boyfriend's family in a towel. What the hell? I'd have more respect for myself and my boundaries. Would this be usual behaviour for her?

Princess Calla · 21-10-2019 12:35pm

At first when I read this I thought she was latching on to your dad as a father figure, I think your dad may also be enjoying the attention.

Now my shower if off the kitchen so you need to walk through the kitchen afterwards (a complete and utter pain in the hole) there have been times when I've emerged to find unexpected visitors (another pain in the hole

) sitting at the table. At which point it's rabbit in the headlights, quick hello and scarper up to get dressed. At no point would I be engaging in conversation.

There is absolutely zero chance I'd be having a conversation with my boyfriends dad that's a certainty.

The coming out of the parents bedroom is also odd, surely there's other places to have a chat.

The whole situation is strange to be honest. I don't think there's much respect being shown to either you or your mum.

leggo · 21-10-2019 12:57pm

I’d still be more inclined to believe it’s two people with boundary issues, MAYBE at a push enjoying a weird flirty relationship, rather than a straight up affair happening under OP and his mother’s noses.

At the very least the boundary situation is messed up: why does your Dad be texting her asking who’s home? Why is she at your family home when you’re not? Why is she having showers and walking around having the chats in towels? Why is she in your parents’ bedroom to begin with and why are no questions asked of any of this?

All weird and lack of boundaries does lead to grey areas. But I’d still need more info to lean towards it being an affair rather than just a weird, boundary-less situation.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 21-10-2019 1:09pm

That text smells really off tbh. Were your brothers at home when she sent that and are they significantly younger than you?

It's a very very difficult situation OP, a relationship between them would blow all your lives up but so would a false allegation of one.

How is your father with boundaries and appropriate behaviour generally? Those comments he made about her appearance, were you surprised by that as well as thinking they were inappropriate or was that standard stuff for him?

Imo it's a situation with far too much potential to to cross a line. And even if it's completely innocent and devoid of that potential, they should be (especially your father) aware of how inappropriate it appears. It's not fair on you, or on your mother.

On the subject of her being an only child of a single mother and latching on to a father figure and that all being very nice and innocent, as someone with a few female friends and a lot of acquaintances who grew up without dads I'd give that a great big "hmm". Plenty of women with that childhood grow up to have fine, secure, functional romantic lives, but a lot of them also need to process that, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows women who did that processing in their twenties, through the gleeful ministrations of older married men.

However, you only know her a year, you're both young, it's going to be hard for you to gauge her motives and feelings about this.

You dad you presumably know fairly well though. Do you, really in your heart of hearts, think he could be capable of this?

I'd normally be an advocate of just talk to your partner, don't be snooping etc but this is so complex and potentially volatile. I think I'd be trying to borrow your dad's phone or coming home "sick" from work when they're alone in the house.

Is a move out of home feasible? A bit less time around each other in this family type set up might clarify things.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 21-10-2019 1:18pm

Does she live in your parents house with you?

You said she stays for weeks at a time but if she's there as a guest, as your partner and doesn't live there then why is she even there when you aren't?

Both of them commenting on how the other is attractive etc and "walking in on them", gut instinct reactions don't come out of nowhere so I wouldn't dismiss it.

It's just feels a bit off with the lack of boundaries, if she doesn't live with you I'd be definitely cutting back on the staying over and have more dates/outings etc. I wouldn't be having her in the house when you aren't there unless there's a good reason for this.

Maybe see what the reaction is if you gradually reduce the time at your parents house.

I wouldn't be accusing anyone without solid evidence because given the situation I don't think you will come out of it well.

Are they acting any different to usual?

rolling boh · 21-10-2019 1:55pm

Why is she in the house for so long at a time ? Does she do anything like work or college no way should she be there like that when you're not at home you may well have to play detective here though I know that means the relationship is most likely doomed.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 21-10-2019 5:07pm

throwaway122 wrote: »

Then recently when I was at work, she sent me a text which basically said '(My name) is at work and (my mam) is out with a friend. xx "

This was obviously not meant for me and she wouldn't send xxs to anyone else really. She explained it away by saying the xxs were autocorrect and that the text was meant for my father who was wondering who was home.

This would have me wondering too.

Why would your dad be texting your girlfriend to find out who's home?

Would he not text you or your mam or another family member before texting your gf?

So is she just hanging around in the house while everyone else is out?

It's a bit strange to be honest.

cannotlogin · 21-10-2019 7:28pm

Her explanation sounds way off. Why would your dad text her to see who was home instead of texting you or your mother? What did your dad say when you asked him?

At best there's major boundary issues on both sides. My dad would get so awkward if any of my brother's girlfriend's stopped talking to him in a towel. He'd make his quickest excuse to get out of there.

What does your mother think of her wandering around your home house chatting to your dad in a towel? Doubt she's impressed.

If it is innocent, she doesn't seem to have much respect for you, herself or your mother. Someone with so little boundaries would not be for me.

Augme · 21-10-2019 9:48pm

If I was you I'd be trying to look at her phone or your dad s. I'll normally never advocate this because once the trust is gone the relationship is over anyway but in this scenario even if you finish the relationship you'll always be wondering bad the not knowing would drive me nuts.

ArrBee · 21-10-2019 9:55pm

What does your mum think?

sReq | uTeK · 22-10-2019 11:03am

Have to say there are too many red flags here for me .

1. Why are they having long chats in your parents bedroom. Was anyone else in the house? If so why not chat where normal people chat in the kitchen or living room?

2. Boundaries, is there even any,if not then it's easy to see how things can get out of hand.

3. However, that text.....there are soooooo many wrongs. WHY is your dad texting your GF to find out who is at home. Why not any of you,again if anything its beyond boundaries on so many levels. However the text reads like an instigated message and not a reply.

Of course I could be wrong. She could just have lacked a father figure and hes that to her. Its clear you have her on a pedestal and that could be on your mind too looking for things that are not there as you dont feel worthy.

However, this is one I'd pay particular attention to.over the coming weeks. Perhaps an unscheduled lunch visit home is in order randomly every 2nd week or so.

leggo · 22-10-2019 11:14am

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

However, this is one I'd pay particular attention to.over the coming weeks. Perhaps an unscheduled lunch visit home is in order randomly every 2nd week or so.

I wouldn’t have the patience to start trying to catch people out, the relationship is over then anyway bar the screaming. I’d just be like “okay we’ve let this go on long enough it’s weird now, we’re just going to be normal and you can stay here whenever I’m here. There’s no need to text my Dad that’s too familiar and weird.” Obviously in a nice way. That way a boundary has been drawn and if that’s crossed, eg he arrives home to find her there, he can react as any of us would and ask questions.

sReq | uTeK · 22-10-2019 11:21am

leggo wrote: »

I wouldn’t have the patience to start trying to catch people out, the relationship is over then anyway bar the screaming. I’d just be like “okay we’ve let this go on long enough it’s weird now, we’re just going to be normal and you can stay here whenever I’m here. There’s no need to text my Dad that’s too familiar and weird.” Obviously in a nice way. That way a boundary has been drawn and if that’s crossed, eg he arrives home to find her there, he can react as any of us would and ask questions.

Yea agree but if you come out stating all this you need to give the reason why?

Well I think you're getting off with my dad.

I dont know its just all a bit weird for me.

LegacyUser · 22-10-2019 11:31am

Loads of red flags here OP. Not necessarily indicative of something happening but certainly stomping all over the grounds of boundaries.

Your Dad is no doubt loving the attention and connection with a hot 20-something. That's not to say he'd do anything icky - only you have a sense of the type of person he is.
She is likely enjoying the attention of an older male figure, the power that comes with that - and there may be some chemistry there. Maybe not. Might all be an attention/power play.

As others have said, the behaviour so far is suspect - the bedroom; the towel, the text - all a little weird, IMO.

Re: the text - if we presume it was your Dad who texted her - why would he do that? Does she live there? Why would she be at your house when you're not there and neither is your mother?

Where I would differ somewhat is the checking of the phone - others will say - once you look at that the relationship is over - this is wrong. There are extenuating circumstances in this case. Now, if you were checking her phone apropos of nothing, then you'd be a creepy, possessive stalker person; but in this case, you'd be checking the phone of someone who is acting in an unusual manner and outside behavioural norms. I think that gives you the green light to do some digging. Get up in that phone OP.

At the end of the day, 'trust' is an agreement between 2 adults that they're not going to screw you over. Trust is built, it can be destroyed - it can also be rebuilt.

armaghlad · 22-10-2019 12:21pm

Even if their behaviour turns out to be innocent it’s entirely inappropriate and I’d be looking to end that relationship if I was you. Also worrying that you need to come on to boards for advice on something so obvious, have you spoken to either of your parents about it? Or confronted your gf? Her watery excuses don’t stand up to scrutiny, her sitting in a towel talking to your da like it’s totally normal in a situation where it should be totally uncomfortable for both parties? Jesus man wake up.

dixiefly · 22-10-2019 12:22pm

Would there be anyway that you could leave a little recording device in the bedroom and kitchen to pick up the conversation when you are at work?

Mokuba · 22-10-2019 12:44pm

I've read the OP and immediately felt like something is seriously wrong. What you described there is enough that I wouldn't need any more proof to be honest.

Trust your gut. I'm telling you it's very rarely wrong.

leggo · 22-10-2019 12:47pm

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Yea agree but if you come out stating all this you need to give the reason why?

Well I think you're getting off with my dad.

I dont know its just all a bit weird for me.

“I’ve lost trust in you” is a fine catch-all, though often people dress up these awkward conversations with standard break-up jargon. But yeah, once you’re into the realm of changing your daily routine for the sole purpose of catching your partner out, checking their phone or setting up recording devices, the question isn’t “Are they cheating?” anymore, it’s “How do I catch them cheating?” It’s not a healthy way to exist. Whether they are or aren’t, when it’s come to that you’re just better off finishing it and starting fresh.

The alternative of setting boundaries at least resets the relationship to a healthy level. OP can directly acknowledge the issue to a degree there without wild accusations, “It’s become too familiar and it’s weirding me out a bit.” It’s okay to tell your girlfriend that it’s weird she’s walking around in a towel or having chats in his parents bedroom, it is weird, that’s a factual statement. And then, if those boundaries aren’t respected and he comes home to find her there, he can ask questions. That’s a way he can at least live day-to-day in this relationship and not become consumed by this. But, not gonna lie, I’d probably be done personally. I’ve no time for people gaslighting and telling me weird behaviour is normal anymore.

throwaway122 · 22-10-2019 7:30pm

Thanks for all the replies guys.

Not quite sure how to put this. I confronted my girlfriend and showed her this thread. Unfortunately my suspicions were correct, absolutely shocked. Not sure I can add much really.

dixiefly · 22-10-2019 7:33pm

Uh, feel for you. That's a real bummer.

I assume she has got gate.

What about your dad (and your mum for that matter)?

Am I imagining things?

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