Coffin Making?

uck51js9zml2yt · 26-07-2019 9:01am

I know someone who had his own coffin made from marine ply. It looked quiet well when the time came. Functional.

cletus · 26-07-2019 9:50am

Link below to a guy making a fairly basic, but still "traditional" shaped coffin. He's making it from pine, but I'm sure the basic idea could be applied to different shapes and materials.

Think a 3/4" ply could be the job, you'd want maybe a planer/thicknesser and possibly a jointer to make good solid big boards from pallets

https://youtu.be/P_mKtPWDVaA

OldGoat · 29-07-2019 8:44am

I'm working on a build for a friend. She has been given a not too distant date and as part of her coping she has decided to build and decorate her coffin.

There are a couple of issues we have run into. First and foremost is that crematoriums will not accept some types of wood. Pallet wood can contain contaminants (from spills of what ever they were shipping) and some plywoods will have carcinogenic glues. The UK crematoriums association provided me with a nice overview of what is and what is not acceptable. If I can find it I'll post a link here.

The second issue was that the funeral directors refused to allow a home made coffin. They cited health and safety in that the homemade construction might not be up to standard or not meet the crematoriums required standards. It might be hazardous to their staff to carry.

*Squeemish people, look away for the next line*
They said that I might not make proper allowances for seepage.

After some negotiations I offered them a link to a coffin supplier that provides self assembly casks that met the h&s standards yet they still refused saying that they could only use casks from their own supplier. I asked them for a catalogue showing me their most basic coffin (remembering that this was to be a blank canvas for my friend to paint) and they could only provided me with one of those highly ornate faux brass handled horrowshow things.

We are currently searching for a new funeral director.

EDIT: This box is acceptable to crematoriums world wide, but not Northern Irish funeral directors apparently. Gotta love a bit of flatpack.

http://chistann.com/index.html

Stigura · 29-07-2019 11:19am

OldGoat wrote: »

We are currently searching for a new funeral director.

Abso Bloody Lutely!!! :mad:

But; May I ask ... Why the Hell does one need some dork to " Direct " schit anyway?! This is, absolutely, what enrages me, so much!

It's Purely 'Jobs for the boys' crap! Nanny stateism running rampant.

I swear to god; If we all started slipping away, into some forest, to lay down and let nature take its course, and way, with us? Some idiot would be up in arms, demanding a law that no old, or sickly looking, people be allowed to enter a forest without a state employed escort.

And, as for €329+, for a wooden box?! GTF! What magickal, faerie blessed grove does that wood come from, that a six foot boxes worth costs three ton plus? I bet the local saw mill will barely charge me more than the €39, for my wood. Where's the Three Hundred Plus coming from?!

Do It Yeself, people! THINK ~ Outside the box

OldGoat · 29-07-2019 12:04pm

The directors have a role to play in most funerals in that they take on the role of dealing with the bureaucracy necessary (doctors, morgue, coroner, church, choir, caterers, hotels, car hire...) so that the grieving don't have too. I know that you CAN do it all yourself but sometimes it's just easier to let someone experienced take the reins. It's a relief at a time of grieving to e with friends and family rather that chasing around getting various papers signed by various officials.

The problem arises when the directors meet with someone like my friend and myself who have time to pick and choose. We have months rather than days and the directors are not used to dealing on that timescale.

I still have plans drawn up for my own plywood box for my friends, rope handles, a nice curved lid. All in all about €75 worth of marine ply and soft furnishings. When we get the OK then that is what we'll build.

Stigura · 29-07-2019 5:07pm

Wanted to sell my house. Was naive. Figured, like everyone around me, this sort of thing was handled by 'Professionals'. Assigned the job to the local Estate Agent and a well reputed Solicitors office.

Result? The estate moron started encouraging my would be buyer to come round, trying to knock me down on the agreed price. I told them both to f*** off. Sold the place myself, days later, by word of mouth. At my original asking price.

Washed up at my new place? Estate Agent there wouldn't give me the keys, claiming my solicitor had cocked up in some way and papers weren't yet in hand. Had to hire a Locksmith to get me in!

Next time? Sold, again, by word of mouth. Like a mug though, I relied ~ Again ~ on a 'solicitor'. If I so much as mentioned his name, ye'd Know the outcome!!!

There's no one to grieve me. Caulk sealed, home made, wooden box. Back of my mates jeep. Nearest smoker. Home in a cardboard bucket. On my Dogs grave yard. Another mate get the keys. Job done.

Spanish Eyes · 29-07-2019 5:50pm

Stigura wrote: »

Wanted to sell my house. Was naive. Figured, like everyone around me, this sort of thing was handled by 'Professionals'. Assigned the job to the local Estate Agent and a well reputed Solicitors office.

Result? The estate moron started encouraging my would be buyer to come round, trying to knock me down on the agreed price. I told them both to f*** off. Sold the place myself, days later, by word of mouth. At my original asking price.

Washed up at my new place? Estate Agent there wouldn't give me the keys, claiming my solicitor had cocked up in some way and papers weren't yet in hand. Had to hire a Locksmith to get me in!

Next time? Sold, again, by word of mouth. Like a mug though, I relied ~ Again ~ on a 'solicitor'. If I so much as mentioned his name, ye'd Know the outcome!!!

There's no one to grieve me. Caulk sealed, home made, wooden box. Back of my mates jeep. Nearest smoker. Home in a cardboard bucket. On my Dogs grave yard. Another mate get the keys. Job done.

That’s brilliant and amusing, you should do a blog of your journey to home made coffinhood!

I’m a bit a rebel myself so I totally get where you are coming from. Wish you well

acoy03 · 30-07-2019 12:53pm

lol

Stigura · 30-07-2019 9:43pm

Spoke to my mates, today

One's a grave digger. Other's done more removals than I've had hot dinners.

The diggist said there'd be absolutely no problem, as long as I kept it to the standard dimensions. (

What else would I do? Make something the size of a phone box, just to wind people up?)

He also mentioned that ye can get a cardboard box, for about fifty quid (?! :eek:) I nearly told him where he could stick his cardboard box! Looking at the size of him though, and hoping to squeeze another decade in, I just pointed out I could make a plank one for a lot less.

Tommy said it'd be fine too. I pointed out how I'd run the power plane over the outsides. So no one handling it would get splinters. Rope handles.

Spoke to another mate, last night. (Hark at me; Going on like I have this wide circle of great friends :rolleyes: Me, who's actively in the process of getting a ball cocked drinker fitted in this room. Because, if I should peg it on the night of town day? No bugger'd know till the next week. And my Dogs would get thirsty!)

Veering dangerously close to too far off topic there. But, I basically ran it past him about dragging me up to my Dogs grave yard. Then, should anyone in a suit ever find my bones, he could say; " Oh my god! So That's where he got to?! We'd wondered! "

Stigura · 31-08-2019 1:53am

twignme · 31-08-2019 7:38am

Why bother with a lid at all? What about using a burial shroud as some religions do, then all you need is the base.

Stigura · 31-08-2019 6:06pm

I don't much fancy leaving my mates to chuck a floppy sheet full of god knows what about. Then, there's the questions of seepage and stink.

If I Must go out in the formal way? So be it. But, I'll not be inflicting a reenactment of the Surstromming Challenge on the lads.

Wonder how much I could get a few vultures for?

Now; I've been up to my eyeballs in youtube clips around this subject. Was it there, or earlier on here, I came to gather that the crem's will do everything possible to make ye go through a fd?

Right down to triumphantly sneering that 'Those screws are the wrong type of metal. Take it away!'

What ever. I was just thinking what an adventure using dowel pegs would be. Like the Orthodox Jews do.

Eye opening too, to see that the vast majority of coffins, these days, are actually made out of cheaply veneered chip board, for chrissake! :eek: They'll shove That up the chimney with a big smile ~ long as ye paid their mate K's for it.

Also; It's now became clear that the old, 'Dracula' coffins really did go out with John Hurt and Christopher Lee. I was seriously leaning towards going for that style, just for the craic of having it in the stables. No one's ever mistake That thing for a simple packing crate!

Anyway, yes: Still absolutely smoking hot on the trail of sorting myself out a stink box. It's fascinating, what I'm discovering along the way.

Lumen · 11-10-2019 2:55pm

I saw this and thought of Stigura.

https://www.bbc.com/pidgin/world-49980677?f

Stigura · 11-10-2019 2:58pm

:eek:

Stigura · 13-10-2019 4:00pm

Well, damn! I saw This and thought of me!

Clicky

Lumen · 13-10-2019 6:33pm

Stigura wrote: »

Well, damn! I saw This and thought of me! Clicky

That rectangular coffin is great! I've always found the ones that widen at the shoulders a bit claustrophobic looking, it's nice to be able to move one's feet around.

I also much prefer the rustic pine-and-rope look to those godawful shiny teak things with brass fittings. I wouldn't be seen dead in one of those.

Stigura · 13-10-2019 6:42pm

Yeah; I'm sort of torn here. I see the rectangular box effect being so much simpler to make, obviously.

But, somehow, it lacks the punch of someone seeing it in my stables, doesn't it? Like: " Oh, look. Stigura's built a packing case. " I so much more relish the " WTF?!? " inducing 'coffin' shaped coffin standing there. Great conversation piece.

Of course, I say all this like someone who's Ever gonna have anyone else walk into his stables. By the time Billy No Mates here is found? They'll probably just scrape what's left into a bin bag

whizbang · 14-10-2019 1:19am

Just loving this...

If you have ever been a coffin bearer;
its really comical, the reaction of the 'Directors' when you reach for one of those highly ornate faux brass handles...

There's a reason you carry a coffin on your shoulders.. Its just mechanics. The base seems to be made of 1/2" chipboard.
If ye carried it by the handles, the congregation would be left looking at the poor soul, and ye thinking 'this guy seems awful light'

The Local drama group are using a coffin in their current production, but the theatrical one in use is a hell of a lot tougher than a real one.

Mango Joe · 14-10-2019 12:46pm

Stigura wrote: »

Also, last night ~ like ye do ~ I measured my face. Found a nine inch plank would lead to the lid squashing my nose! (Wonder how deep a standard coffin is, so?)

Well in keeping with your practical outlook OP - A few sturdy whacks with a rubber mallet would sort that issue surely.

....It's not going to matter to you at that point.....

positron · 22-10-2019 9:58pm

Just wanted to say that this is a really thought provoking thread... Thanks!

PS: Various cultures have way more efficient and green solutions to this, like sky burials etc but I thought I read something about burials in forests, hole deep enough to fit the body upright etc - can't remember if that was about Ireland or USA, must google.

listermint · 22-10-2019 11:21pm

positron wrote: »

Just wanted to say that this is a really thought provoking thread... Thanks!

PS: Various cultures have way more efficient and green solutions to this, like sky burials etc but I thought I read something about burials in forests, hole deep enough to fit the body upright etc - can't remember if that was about Ireland or USA, must google.

The guards will find your computer interesting

Stigura · 22-10-2019 11:36pm

Naah. He wears the same bracelet as me

02906354819-1570985246655-541166-Medic-Alert-Bracelettn.jpg

elperello · 22-10-2019 11:44pm

Interesting thread.

You have mentioned transporting the "coffin" in a van, a horsebox and a jeep.
This suggests that you haven't actually firmed up an arrangement with a willing driver.
You should allow for the fact that the chosen driver may predecease you or not have the necessary vehicle when you pass.
I recommend that you ensure that your "coffin" will fit in a standard hearse

23-10-2019 12:22am

elperello wrote: »

Interesting thread.

You have mentioned transporting the "coffin" in a van, a horsebox and a jeep.
This suggests that you haven't actually firmed up an arrangement with a willing driver.
You should allow for the fact that the chosen driver may predecease you or not have the necessary vehicle when you pass.
I recommend that you ensure that your "coffin" will fit in a standard hearse

Man with a van from adverts?
I like the idea of a plain wooden box, Id considered cremation but I think there has got to be a more environmentally friendly method, rotting in a hole in a plain wooden box surely has to be the simplest?
Id be a bit concerned about seepage and Id prefer not to use non biodegradeable material, and Id like to steer away from mdf.

I intensely dislike being gouged and it excused as being acceptable when its deemed unlikely it will be protested or the recipient of the bill is in a situation where its not the thing they are considering,
An explanation/excuse Id come across for expensive funeral costs is that many people dont end up paying the bill for their deceased relative.
IMO it's a similar excuse for motor insurance costs being so high, in that scenario that some sorts are making fake claims, rather than that it's the business itself actually gouging.

Donalde · 23-10-2019 11:35am

I hope there's no woodworm in the stable? Don't want to find it reduced to a pile of dust when the time comes!

Coffin Making?

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