Coffin Making?

Stigura · 24-07-2019 3:20am #1

I want to make myself one. Not fussed about that usual shape. Just a rectangular 'packing case' will do. Just something they can put me in, to shift me and burn me.

Considerations that spring to mind?

1. I may not be in the best condition, by the time they find me. So; Would it be better to line out and staple gun in DPC plastic sheeting? Or, seal the joins with silicone? (I'm leaning toward the latter. Save me leaking into any ones van)

2. I'd be using 9", rough cut planks. How about the handles? How many? What of? Where? Any suggestions, please?

3. Any thoughts, in general, really.

Thanks

Wtf ? · 24-07-2019 4:07am

F--k the planks, Cardboard burns better and quicker. You are welcome.
http://www.greencoffinsireland.com/all-coffins/cardboard-coffins

Stigura · 24-07-2019 5:02am

I Like the basic cardboard ~ fluid proofed too! And, my local place is listed.

I'll drop by there, next time I'm in town. See what they have to say.

Though, I must say; I far prefer the idea of sorting myself out ~ it grates on me, knowing I'd be paying middle men and needing to rely on them, rather than having my own box in the stable.

I just happen to make a Lot of bird nest boxes, with planks. I'm very dedicated to that / them. Just seemed a natural idea to make one for myself.

Certainly something I'll investigate though. Only, I saw willow ones, the other night? Nothing below four and a half ton?! :eek: I could make a plank one for Forty!

Wtf ? · 24-07-2019 1:55pm

Ahh but what parting message would be purveyed to the mourning masses looking at a coffin made of pallets ? Think beyond the grave my friend.

Lumen · 24-07-2019 2:23pm

Wtf ? wrote: »

Ahh but what parting message would be purveyed to the mourning masses looking at a coffin made of pallets ? Think beyond the grave my friend.

If you care about how people remember your funeral, save money with a pallet coffin and put it towards an open bar at the wake.

Wtf ? · 24-07-2019 2:29pm

Lumen wrote: »

If you care about how people remember your funeral, save money with a pallet coffin and put it towards an open bar at the wake.

I would say most people with a pallet coffin want to take all money with them so a free bar would be off the scale for them.

GrumpyMe · 25-07-2019 5:47am

Wtf ? wrote: »

I would say most people with a pallet coffin want to take all money with them so a free bar would be off the scale for them.

WTF indeed.
Surely taking a €40 pallet board coffin with you as opposed to a €10,000 gold plated, Eqyptian linen lined sarcophagus would point to someone who has chosen to leave it all behind?

Stoner · 25-07-2019 8:02am

Note.

All can we keep this on track. Its a DIY project not Dr. Phil.

Thank you all.

looksee · 25-07-2019 8:50am

The fancy handles are mainly decorative, but you could get some of those chromed drawer-pull handles. With some decent bolts in they would make the handles actually useful.

Calahonda52 · 25-07-2019 9:09am

looksee wrote: »

The fancy handles are mainly decorative, but you could get some of those chromed drawer-pull handles. With some decent bolts in they would make the handles actually useful.

Handles are never used when subject is in residence

looksee · 25-07-2019 10:14am

Calahonda52 wrote: »

Handles are never used when subject is in residence

Well yes, that's because they are mostly decorative! However in this case the coffin bearers are in significant danger of splinters so handles might be useful.

Stigura · 25-07-2019 5:20pm

Splinters?! Damn, that's a very valid point! Well played, sir! Perhaps I could get the old power plane out, for the outsides?

I'll actually be talking to a friend of mine, next week. One of the key, local 'Removal Men'. Bet he'll have some insight.

Also, last night ~ like ye do ~ I measured my face. Found a nine inch plank would lead to the lid squashing my nose! (Wonder how deep a standard coffin is, so?)

Thus, I now think I should be contacting the saw mill, rather than relying on the warped and cracked rubbish the builders merchant supplies.

Handles? I was rather thinking of hemp ropes. Poked through the sides and knotted.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-07-2019 7:11pm

Some decent reclaimed timber might do the trick?

looksee · 25-07-2019 7:45pm

You could cut out a hole to accommodate your nose. It might be handy if they bury you before you are dead too. Though with all that soil it probably wouldn't help much. Oh yes, cremation. Oh well.

Stigura · 25-07-2019 7:59pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Some decent reclaimed timber might do the trick?

Be a bonus, wouldn't it? Unfortunately ~ being Leitrim ~ any spare wood gets snaffled up before ye can say 'Kindling'!

Honestly, if I could have my way? I'd have them shove me in my wheel barrow and drop me off in my Dogs graveyard. Let nature take its course.

As it is? I'm just trying to be as little bother to anyone as I can. Oh and, incidentally, lest anyone should wonder? I'm in disgustingly good health and hope to have at least another decade in me yet! I'm just realistic and enjoy making boxes!

Spanish Eyes · 25-07-2019 8:05pm

Hope you don't fall out the bottom of it!

I would love to do something like this. Purely as a (slightly rude) gesture to the mad money expected from undertakers to put you in a box, drive you to the church (if that's your thing), then to the cemetery. Mad money. Well in Dublin anyway. You won't get much change out of 5k here, even if you own the plot. Might be cheaper for a cremation, don't know.

Would need a car that has fold down seats and long enough I suppose, but that's not rocket science either.

As for building one, when you figure it out PM me and make one for me! Thanks.

juke · 25-07-2019 8:14pm

This reminds me of Miriam Margoyles (I think) decorating a coffin as part of an aging/death documentary. I love this idea:

https://www.funeralguide.co.uk/blog/coffin-club

Stigura · 25-07-2019 8:52pm

Spanish; It'd be my absolute pleasure!

And, yes, exactly! I was talking to a friend (in New Zealand) only last night. Her mother's just succumbed to cancer. But, as I said to her; I absolutely Despise middle men!!! Leeches!

The local grave diggers are personal friends of mine. If I wanted planting? I'd square them up today. Cash in advance. Why the hell should I pay some " Funeral Director " to ring George and tell him a new hole is needed?

I saw those woven willow ones? Nothing under £470.00!!! :eek: Shuuut Uupp!!! The wood, for mine, won't even cost €40.00!!! I Love my power saw and Stanley 'Yankee' screw driver. They keep me out of all sorts of mischief.

But, anyway, yes; This is a DIY board. Who, in their right mind, as a DIYer, would think; " Hell, yeah! I'll pay some doughnut a couple of grand, for a wooden box, to stick me in and burn or bury, hours later! "

I seriously can't comprehend that mind set. Bunk beds for the kids? Where's my saw? Wooden box to rot with? Yes, please. I'd like the solid oak with the white silk lining and brass trims. That's just Wrong. Fantastic marketing. But, not for me. I do it myself

Stoner · 25-07-2019 10:10pm

Strangest coincidence, I was just looking at yankee screwdrivers, about 1 hour ago I opened up a job lot of old tools I picked up on ebay, there was a spiralux pam screwdriver in there. I remember my Dad had one and a yankee driver too,

In the right hands they were a serious time saver. Unfortunately I think the one have now is just a ratchet without the spiral neck.

Anyway to the point. Why would you not built this with pallets and spend nothing on it ? Do you want full length boards.

I've built a few kennels with pallets and they are rock solid,

I'm assuming you know all this anyway. but you could do this with pallets no problem.

Anyway your mindset is not all that novel, in the States it's more common than many think for people to buy their coffin.

It beats some Sun Life policy anyway, and takes a decision away from people.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-07-2019 10:27pm

Problem with pallets is the length would need to be at or close to seven foot, so a join right in the middle.

I was thinking MDF or something - discarded kitchen worktop maybe? - but rarely has more than a four foot length without a (sink, hob etc) hole in it, and wouldn't be that strong if joined by screwing through the face.

Would half inch ply be strong enough? an 8' by 4' trimmed for the top and bottom, another one plus the offcuts to do the sides, so three sheets in total - should be cheap.

12mm shuttering plywood is 22.50 euro a sheet at Goodwins inc VAT, 18mm is 29.50 which should be plenty strong. Don't need WBP, you want it to rot

Could economise with 18mm for the bottom, 12mm for the sides and top.

Stigura · 25-07-2019 10:47pm

Yankee screwdrivers are well worth a thread in their own right!

I googled the vast array of different numbers, before grabbing mine, off the bay. It really pays to research them, to make sure ye get the size and action ye hoping for.

Pallets? Yeah; The creamery has mountainous stacks of them, in the yard. It's now a thing, with me and my neighbour, to Always mention All those pallets, to the staff.

Works every time. They go all guarded and eyeball ye like ye sneaking a hand toward the till!

Seriously; I once had a load of nuggets delivered here. Left by my gate. On a pallet. Having used them, I ordered another load. Only, I left the empty pallet out there. Bugger only took back the empty one! :eek: If I'd suspected that, I'd have put it in the stables.

But, yeah; Pallets are like gold dust, round here. And, also, I don't drive. No way of getting them home, even if I was offered a load.

My brother's got the pallet bug now. He makes amazing things out of them! Big set of gates ye'd swear must have been craftsman made, and cost a fortune. Wish I could fine the damn photo's!

Stigura · 25-07-2019 11:06pm

HD; Yes, a sheet, or two, of ply would, quite probably, cover it. Only thing is; Burning it? I'm no expert. But, don't they use some glues which one wouldn't want going up the chimney?

Besides which, I'm practically known as The Mad Plank Man. I'm never happy without planks to hand. I have an obsession with making nest boxes, for starlings, see?

Look; I just stepped into my kitchen and grabbed this shot:

All made out of three, 9" Deal planks. I have One pallet knocking about. I'll strip that down to make the tops. But, yeah, I'm pretty desperate for more pallets, just to use for my box tops. Just can't get hold of the things. End up buying 4" planks

Anyway, in my experience? Planks take a screw better than ply does. I like planks

FrancieBrady · 25-07-2019 11:17pm

I had to buy a coffin one time and the woman I was dealing with was showing me a number of them. I asked about the cheapest one on showed and she snorted at me derisively,

'You don't want that old tat, the arse will be out of it in a week'.

I wasn't sure whether to appreciate the tip or not.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-07-2019 11:17pm

Stigura this has all brought it back to me about when I found a yankee screwdriver in my grandad's dark and slightly smelly corrugated-iron-sealed-with-tar shed, 1978, and he let me put lots of screws into a piece of scrap wood, then I found out what a knot was when it wouldn't go in

Nice picture but a dead body is heavier than a lot of people think, so the bottom of this thing is going to have to be sturdy.

I think most non-WBP ply is set with PVA glue, which isn't that environmentally unfriendly, I think? The equivalent in solid timber is probably 1" at least, which will be hard to find.

listermint · 25-07-2019 11:27pm

Box sides are made from 8 panels.

Top , end , head sides, torso sides, knee sides.

Bottom made from diagonal timber nothing fancy held in with a lip from the side panels. Then the top.

All this could be made from pallet or Reclaimed timber.

Think gold rush era boxes. Can be done easily.

Steve · 25-07-2019 11:27pm

Stigura wrote: »

I saw those woven willow ones? Nothing under £470.00!!! :eek: Shuuut Uupp!!! The wood, for mine, won't even cost €40.00!!! I Love my power saw and Stanley 'Yankee' screw driver. They keep me out of all sorts of mischief.

I was quoted over 2k to put my late mother in a woven willow casket.

"They're all the rage" he said, "very environmentally friendly"

I declined.

/strangest thread I've read in a long time.

looksee · 26-07-2019 12:06am

I dealt with a funeral and I didn't think the cost was outrageous. However the subsequent headstone was daylight robbery.

Purchased coffins are desperately tacky looking though, all that high shine veneer and nasty plastic fabric. Cardboard seems like the logical alternative, at least it is honest.

Surely if you wanted to make a coffin of pallet wood you would make 'sheets' of timber with staggered joins, then assemble it. If you did want to use 9inch planks presumably the lid could have a lip to give it the extra depth?

Stigura · 26-07-2019 12:40am

listermint wrote: »

Think gold rush era boxes. Can be done easily.

That's precisely what I Am thinking about

None of this lozenge shaped, halloween nonsense, hand crafted by a Master Joiner. It's just a box, to keep my stinking corpse from frightening the children or dripping all over my mates boots or horse box, till he can drop me off at the smoker.

Packing crate, basically. As stated, at the start; My only concerns are to make it with those who'll have to handle it in mind. Thus, I'm pondering caulking any joints. And the positioning, and number, of ~ probably rope ~ handles.

Stigura · 26-07-2019 12:55am

looksee wrote: »

I dealt with a funeral and I didn't think the cost was outrageous. However the subsequent headstone was daylight robbery.

I make my own grave stones! :P (He thinks I'm bloody kidding, look!) Am I hell!

There ye go! Dog sized grave stones. All my own work

Must say though; The computer cut little plaques to go on them cost a whack!

Come on though, people. This is a Do It Yeself board, and all we're getting is how much ye paid some other dilbert to do it for ye. And, 'What a bizarre thread!'

Where's the great spirit of 'Just hold my beer, while I get my tools out'? :pac:

the_pen_turner · 26-07-2019 1:06am

if your going down the pallet route . look at plaster boards pallets. they are way longer almost 8 foot boards on them and only a few cross pieces in the middle. great for any diy work

great upbeat thread

Lumen · 26-07-2019 8:58am

How about incorporating two handle-joists? Get the coffin bearers to cut them off at the graveside with battery circular saws, synchronized and ceremonial like.

Then the rest of the structure can be super light weight. Pallets or whatever.

Or a sling on poles, as used in the Bataan Death March.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Litter_(vehicle)

uck51js9zml2yt · 26-07-2019 9:01am

I know someone who had his own coffin made from marine ply. It looked quiet well when the time came. Functional.

cletus · 26-07-2019 9:50am

Link below to a guy making a fairly basic, but still "traditional" shaped coffin. He's making it from pine, but I'm sure the basic idea could be applied to different shapes and materials.

Think a 3/4" ply could be the job, you'd want maybe a planer/thicknesser and possibly a jointer to make good solid big boards from pallets

https://youtu.be/P_mKtPWDVaA

OldGoat · 29-07-2019 8:44am

I'm working on a build for a friend. She has been given a not too distant date and as part of her coping she has decided to build and decorate her coffin.

There are a couple of issues we have run into. First and foremost is that crematoriums will not accept some types of wood. Pallet wood can contain contaminants (from spills of what ever they were shipping) and some plywoods will have carcinogenic glues. The UK crematoriums association provided me with a nice overview of what is and what is not acceptable. If I can find it I'll post a link here.

The second issue was that the funeral directors refused to allow a home made coffin. They cited health and safety in that the homemade construction might not be up to standard or not meet the crematoriums required standards. It might be hazardous to their staff to carry.

*Squeemish people, look away for the next line*
They said that I might not make proper allowances for seepage.

After some negotiations I offered them a link to a coffin supplier that provides self assembly casks that met the h&s standards yet they still refused saying that they could only use casks from their own supplier. I asked them for a catalogue showing me their most basic coffin (remembering that this was to be a blank canvas for my friend to paint) and they could only provided me with one of those highly ornate faux brass handled horrowshow things.

We are currently searching for a new funeral director.

EDIT: This box is acceptable to crematoriums world wide, but not Northern Irish funeral directors apparently. Gotta love a bit of flatpack.

http://chistann.com/index.html

Stigura · 29-07-2019 11:19am

OldGoat wrote: »

We are currently searching for a new funeral director.

Abso Bloody Lutely!!! :mad:

But; May I ask ... Why the Hell does one need some dork to " Direct " schit anyway?! This is, absolutely, what enrages me, so much!

It's Purely 'Jobs for the boys' crap! Nanny stateism running rampant.

I swear to god; If we all started slipping away, into some forest, to lay down and let nature take its course, and way, with us? Some idiot would be up in arms, demanding a law that no old, or sickly looking, people be allowed to enter a forest without a state employed escort.

And, as for €329+, for a wooden box?! GTF! What magickal, faerie blessed grove does that wood come from, that a six foot boxes worth costs three ton plus? I bet the local saw mill will barely charge me more than the €39, for my wood. Where's the Three Hundred Plus coming from?!

Do It Yeself, people! THINK ~ Outside the box

OldGoat · 29-07-2019 12:04pm

The directors have a role to play in most funerals in that they take on the role of dealing with the bureaucracy necessary (doctors, morgue, coroner, church, choir, caterers, hotels, car hire...) so that the grieving don't have too. I know that you CAN do it all yourself but sometimes it's just easier to let someone experienced take the reins. It's a relief at a time of grieving to e with friends and family rather that chasing around getting various papers signed by various officials.

The problem arises when the directors meet with someone like my friend and myself who have time to pick and choose. We have months rather than days and the directors are not used to dealing on that timescale.

I still have plans drawn up for my own plywood box for my friends, rope handles, a nice curved lid. All in all about €75 worth of marine ply and soft furnishings. When we get the OK then that is what we'll build.

Stigura · 29-07-2019 5:07pm

Wanted to sell my house. Was naive. Figured, like everyone around me, this sort of thing was handled by 'Professionals'. Assigned the job to the local Estate Agent and a well reputed Solicitors office.

Result? The estate moron started encouraging my would be buyer to come round, trying to knock me down on the agreed price. I told them both to f*** off. Sold the place myself, days later, by word of mouth. At my original asking price.

Washed up at my new place? Estate Agent there wouldn't give me the keys, claiming my solicitor had cocked up in some way and papers weren't yet in hand. Had to hire a Locksmith to get me in!

Next time? Sold, again, by word of mouth. Like a mug though, I relied ~ Again ~ on a 'solicitor'. If I so much as mentioned his name, ye'd Know the outcome!!!

There's no one to grieve me. Caulk sealed, home made, wooden box. Back of my mates jeep. Nearest smoker. Home in a cardboard bucket. On my Dogs grave yard. Another mate get the keys. Job done.

Spanish Eyes · 29-07-2019 5:50pm

Stigura wrote: »

Wanted to sell my house. Was naive. Figured, like everyone around me, this sort of thing was handled by 'Professionals'. Assigned the job to the local Estate Agent and a well reputed Solicitors office.

Result? The estate moron started encouraging my would be buyer to come round, trying to knock me down on the agreed price. I told them both to f*** off. Sold the place myself, days later, by word of mouth. At my original asking price.

Washed up at my new place? Estate Agent there wouldn't give me the keys, claiming my solicitor had cocked up in some way and papers weren't yet in hand. Had to hire a Locksmith to get me in!

Next time? Sold, again, by word of mouth. Like a mug though, I relied ~ Again ~ on a 'solicitor'. If I so much as mentioned his name, ye'd Know the outcome!!!

There's no one to grieve me. Caulk sealed, home made, wooden box. Back of my mates jeep. Nearest smoker. Home in a cardboard bucket. On my Dogs grave yard. Another mate get the keys. Job done.

That’s brilliant and amusing, you should do a blog of your journey to home made coffinhood!

I’m a bit a rebel myself so I totally get where you are coming from. Wish you well

acoy03 · 30-07-2019 12:53pm

lol

Stigura · 30-07-2019 9:43pm

Spoke to my mates, today

One's a grave digger. Other's done more removals than I've had hot dinners.

The diggist said there'd be absolutely no problem, as long as I kept it to the standard dimensions. (

What else would I do? Make something the size of a phone box, just to wind people up?)

He also mentioned that ye can get a cardboard box, for about fifty quid (?! :eek:) I nearly told him where he could stick his cardboard box! Looking at the size of him though, and hoping to squeeze another decade in, I just pointed out I could make a plank one for a lot less.

Tommy said it'd be fine too. I pointed out how I'd run the power plane over the outsides. So no one handling it would get splinters. Rope handles.

Spoke to another mate, last night. (Hark at me; Going on like I have this wide circle of great friends :rolleyes: Me, who's actively in the process of getting a ball cocked drinker fitted in this room. Because, if I should peg it on the night of town day? No bugger'd know till the next week. And my Dogs would get thirsty!)

Veering dangerously close to too far off topic there. But, I basically ran it past him about dragging me up to my Dogs grave yard. Then, should anyone in a suit ever find my bones, he could say; " Oh my god! So That's where he got to?! We'd wondered! "

Stigura · 31-08-2019 1:53am

twignme · 31-08-2019 7:38am

Why bother with a lid at all? What about using a burial shroud as some religions do, then all you need is the base.

Stigura · 31-08-2019 6:06pm

I don't much fancy leaving my mates to chuck a floppy sheet full of god knows what about. Then, there's the questions of seepage and stink.

If I Must go out in the formal way? So be it. But, I'll not be inflicting a reenactment of the Surstromming Challenge on the lads.

Wonder how much I could get a few vultures for?

Now; I've been up to my eyeballs in youtube clips around this subject. Was it there, or earlier on here, I came to gather that the crem's will do everything possible to make ye go through a fd?

Right down to triumphantly sneering that 'Those screws are the wrong type of metal. Take it away!'

What ever. I was just thinking what an adventure using dowel pegs would be. Like the Orthodox Jews do.

Eye opening too, to see that the vast majority of coffins, these days, are actually made out of cheaply veneered chip board, for chrissake! :eek: They'll shove That up the chimney with a big smile ~ long as ye paid their mate K's for it.

Also; It's now became clear that the old, 'Dracula' coffins really did go out with John Hurt and Christopher Lee. I was seriously leaning towards going for that style, just for the craic of having it in the stables. No one's ever mistake That thing for a simple packing crate!

Anyway, yes: Still absolutely smoking hot on the trail of sorting myself out a stink box. It's fascinating, what I'm discovering along the way.

Lumen · 11-10-2019 2:55pm

I saw this and thought of Stigura.

https://www.bbc.com/pidgin/world-49980677?f

Stigura · 11-10-2019 2:58pm

:eek:

Stigura · 13-10-2019 4:00pm

Well, damn! I saw This and thought of me!

Clicky

Lumen · 13-10-2019 6:33pm

Stigura wrote: »

Well, damn! I saw This and thought of me! Clicky

That rectangular coffin is great! I've always found the ones that widen at the shoulders a bit claustrophobic looking, it's nice to be able to move one's feet around.

I also much prefer the rustic pine-and-rope look to those godawful shiny teak things with brass fittings. I wouldn't be seen dead in one of those.

Stigura · 13-10-2019 6:42pm

Yeah; I'm sort of torn here. I see the rectangular box effect being so much simpler to make, obviously.

But, somehow, it lacks the punch of someone seeing it in my stables, doesn't it? Like: " Oh, look. Stigura's built a packing case. " I so much more relish the " WTF?!? " inducing 'coffin' shaped coffin standing there. Great conversation piece.

Of course, I say all this like someone who's Ever gonna have anyone else walk into his stables. By the time Billy No Mates here is found? They'll probably just scrape what's left into a bin bag

whizbang · 14-10-2019 1:19am

Just loving this...

If you have ever been a coffin bearer;
its really comical, the reaction of the 'Directors' when you reach for one of those highly ornate faux brass handles...

There's a reason you carry a coffin on your shoulders.. Its just mechanics. The base seems to be made of 1/2" chipboard.
If ye carried it by the handles, the congregation would be left looking at the poor soul, and ye thinking 'this guy seems awful light'

The Local drama group are using a coffin in their current production, but the theatrical one in use is a hell of a lot tougher than a real one.

Mango Joe · 14-10-2019 12:46pm

Stigura wrote: »

Also, last night ~ like ye do ~ I measured my face. Found a nine inch plank would lead to the lid squashing my nose! (Wonder how deep a standard coffin is, so?)

Well in keeping with your practical outlook OP - A few sturdy whacks with a rubber mallet would sort that issue surely.

....It's not going to matter to you at that point.....

positron · 22-10-2019 9:58pm

Just wanted to say that this is a really thought provoking thread... Thanks!

PS: Various cultures have way more efficient and green solutions to this, like sky burials etc but I thought I read something about burials in forests, hole deep enough to fit the body upright etc - can't remember if that was about Ireland or USA, must google.

Coffin Making?

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