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What's the etiquette here??

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    #9332
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,033 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    A good read this.

    https://www.irishtimes.com/life-style/people/2023/12/28/the-smell-of-farts-was-as-unnatural-as-the-metal-can-hurtling-through-the-air-at-30000ft/

    I barely had time to stow my existential thoughts about air travel and she hadn’t even started to unclench her fingers from the arm rest when our thoughts were interrupted by a clunking undercarriage noise of a different type. Someone had unleashed a truly putrid fart. I caught my friend’s eye and immediately knew we both had the same terrifying dialogue running through our heads: we’re in for three hours of hell.

    Plane farts are part and parcel of air travel. It’s scientifically proven that the physics of flight and the biology of our bodies can create expanding pockets of air within our digestive tracts. Stewards notoriously use the excuse of cabin checks to “crop-dust” their passengers with excess gas. It’s just one of those pieces of dignity you surrender when you agree to engage in the convenience of flying.

    That our fellow passenger had started dropping his own stinkbombs so early in the flight was a major concern, for once the plane farts have started they can be difficult to contain. A person I know, let’s call her “Femer”, once took a transatlantic flight where she was afflicted with great big gusts which mercifully were both odourless and masked by the roar of the engine. “Femer” did worry that her seatmate might feel the vibrations and demand that the flight be grounded, and she be whisked away for government testing. Luckily, he seemed too engrossed in either the episodes of How I Met Your Mother he was watching, or his own farting odyssey. Eh, according to my friend Femer, that is.

    We were all horrified recently by news of an incident aboard a Delta plane where a passenger had a case of uncontrollable diarrhoea. There but for the grace of God went I. I was transported back to 2017 and an epic journey I made home from Cambodia via Charles de Gaulle in Paris with a developing case of dysentery. The packet of Arret ran out in the third hour of delays in Paris and I spent the flight home to Dublin in such a state of clenching that not even a bead of sweat dared leave my body.

    Had a pretty rough time of it myself since the big day, two substantial visits to the can most days took its toll, but things finally seem to be returning to normal in that department.

    Life ain't always empty.



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    #9333
    spacetweek
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 4,967 Mod ✭✭✭✭spacetweek


    In my 20s I took a 12-hour flight from Madrid to Mexico City with a friend. The previous evening I'd eaten an undercooked burger and my digestive system was hellbent on converting the entire bolus of meat into gaseous form. I spent most of the flight detonating raw meat fragrance petards. During the night one was so foul that my long suffering friend woke up, gave me a pleading look, then turned over to doze off as quickly as possible.

    I think I saw the staff trying to open the round windows when we landed just for some ventilation...



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    #9334
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,033 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Some pretty hardcore stuff here, "viewer discretion is advised" as they say on the American telly, although thankfully this is all in text format. 33 pages, should keep you occupied for a while.

    https://www.arrse.co.uk/community/threads/following-through-sport-of-kings.3375/

    Life ain't always empty.



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    #9335
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Had a two hour “workshop” there this afternoon and the pressure gauge down the engine room was in the red by the time it finished.

    Real cancel all meetings, make sure The Little Book of Calm is on the Kindle App, have the VHI Careline in the quick contacts list sort of scenario.

    Headed into the cubicle and got ready for a simply massive discharge. Grip your legs and push.

    One chicken nugget sized, well, nugget dropped into the pan. Followed by a fart of approximately 20 seconds in duration. Then nothing.

    Was expecting a footer tbh. Slightly disappointing.



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    #9336
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Thank goodness on an aircraft, with my ileostomy plumbing, I’m not afflicted with such discharges. Very little gas builds up in a well functioning small intestine, and most of that is from fizzy drinks that were consumed, all sort of odourless.

    I was having a nice cup of strong coffee the other day, had nothing to eat. Time to change my bag as usual. Turned into a human Nespresso machine, nature’s barrista, quick discharge of delicious coffee aroma and with the exact appearance of a lungo.



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    #9337
    NewbridgeIR
    Registered Users Posts: 3,741 ✭✭✭NewbridgeIR


    I wonder how this guy got on in the jacks post-session?

    https://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/irishman-defends-drinking-81-pints-31855630



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    #9338
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt



    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121603496#Comment_121603496

    Putting away a barrel over a weekend is pretty much the stuff of legend. You like to listen to someone tell you the story about it, but you doubt if it ever happened. It's up there with being at the game where Munster beat the All Blacks; Christy Ring throwing away his football AI medal, or a child from the next town over biting into a toffee apple that had razor blades in it.

    There is living examples of 20 pint men. That would be big units having a few before a wedding, a skelp more before the dinner, big feed, then pacing themselves up until about 4am. Would be more the exception than the rule though these days.



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    #9339
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,112 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    get yer hoop bleached Bobby, my mate Fulton Crown got his done and is a new man.

    Bunting out girthy toobs like bull seals off the rocks at Innishvic.



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    #9340
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121605646#Comment_121605646

    Fulton Crown? That lad? Close personal friend of Fr. Bill “Bronco” Dolphin?

    Never cared for him. Tetchy sort of individual. Seemed very bound up.



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    #9341
    Baba Yaga
    Registered Users Posts: 464 ✭✭Baba Yaga


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121603496#Comment_121603496

    id say hes still on the throne!

    also have an up-date on the jacks yapper...seems he wont be back,cited stress and anguish to hr i heard...but one of the lads in his department said their boss was only looking for an excuse to get rid of him,was told to expect a mention in dispatches and a small thank you in the wages...moral of the story?respect the jacks etiquette and definitely dont piss off the security staff!


    "They gave me an impossible task,one which they said I wouldnt return from...."

    ps wheres my free,fancy rte flip-flops...?



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    #9342
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,112 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121605696#Comment_121605696

    Can’t blame the lad. Bobby, was connected with Fr. Celsius ‘Mustang’ Mooney in the seminary.

    That. fcukker sent many off on a bad start, God rest him.



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    #9343
    Slideways
    Registered Users Posts: 1,993 ✭✭✭Slideways


    Rumour has it, it was like a child’s arm holding an apple. He used to ring the angelus bell with it on the flop



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    #9344
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    You’d bate a donkey out of a ditch with it.



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    #9345
    EmmetSpiceland
    Registered Users Posts: 10,559 ✭✭✭✭EmmetSpiceland


    Had a very wide load “exit” out this morning. Felt like I was that fake rhino in that Ace Ventura film.

    Got out in the end but I’ve a bit of an itch developing, wouldn’t be surprised if a spoke split during the ordeal. Hopefully it heals up without any “complications”, last thing you’d need going into the coming cold snap.

    Already nervous about how tomorrow’s “bio break” will go.

    “It is not blood that makes you Irish but a willingness to be part of the Irish nation” - Thomas Davis



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    #9346
    Larbre34
    Registered Users Posts: 23,841 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    Found myself in a suite at the rugger yesterday (all thanks to Adrian and the boys at the professional association)

    Free Guinness flowing like Powerscourt Waterfall, and brioche burger sliders, maybe a tad underdone, which certainly didn't help matters later.

    After that it was onwards to Searsons to catch up with the usual gaggle of former internationals and their Dorises and sink a few Irish coffees to see off the last of the demon cold.

    Then to dinner and a joyous Carpaccio starter, a table shared chateaubriand and scallops and espressos for dessert, all washed down with a bottle of delicate Chablis.

    For the final hurrah, it was a nightcap of Blue Spot in Smyths before making for the night bus home on Mespil Road.

    Unfortunately that warm, humid swaying vehicle combined with the day's excesses, only got me as far as the old Montrose, before I had to alight and leave a healthy deposit behind a copse of trees on a small park at the top of the Seafield Road. Any later and I would have missed my stop, so to speak.

    That was me done with buses for the night, as I hailed a 'Free Now', with no hint of irony.



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    #9347
    Hoop66
    Registered Users Posts: 2,299 ✭✭✭Hoop66


    You animal!


    Chablis with a chateaubriand, there is no excuse.



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    #9348
    Larbre34
    Registered Users Posts: 23,841 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    I HAD to prioritise the scallops and I cannot mix red and white wines, gives me a thumping headache. I hated myself for doing it, hopefully the Club won't blackball me.



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    #9349
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    I was in the Head Office of a well-known Semi State company this morning. I do contracting work for them and they were trying to lowball me for 2024.

    Went to get a coffee at 11am and this was the stuff they had in the kitchen area:

    IMG_7680.jpeg

    Absolutely fücking putrid stuff. The teabags were Lyons as well so just really penny pinching all round. More than enough saved to pay me for my services.

    Wasn’t 15 minutes back in dealing with some middle-manage drones when I heard a deep gurgle and a slight loosening of the sphincter. Knew it was time to finish up the negotiations and find a shítter.

    “Folks, my rates are my rates. We are done here”.

    Upped and left and made my way to the shïtters beside reception. Sluiced out a huge gout of very cabbagey scour.

    Left it there as well to let them know I wasn’t fooling around. Got a call from the “ecosystem partner” this afternoon to say they were going to use me for 2024.

    Pricks.



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    #9350
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,112 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    good lad....only way to treat those gloamers.

    A load of rotten ordnance left in the 'butts' shows you mean business.

    Always leave your scent around is the name of the game and rotten cabbage is ideal.

    Post edited by Brendan Bendar on


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    #9351
    Wossack
    Registered Users Posts: 7,002 ✭✭✭Wossack


    A nice piece of advance planning there, perhaps unintended..

    There are studies that olfactory memory, eg rememberance of odours, is one of the strongest ways to recollect events. A gaseous counter offer may expediate the negotiation meeting in 2025 ️

    Of course it may have the opposite effect, and trigger a bout of PTSD, but win-win I say



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    #9352
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,112 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar



    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121638243#Comment_121638243

    Good call dude, indeed I remember a heated meeting in the boardroom over the acceptance of tenders.

    Eventually the Chairman lost the head and eventually said,and I paraphrase here “ For fuhrks sake did anyone contact Elephant Man to get more info.

    ”Elephant Man”? was the cry from the floor.

    ”Yeah, the guy who left the log like an elephants leg in the boardroom bathroom and stunk the place out for three days-that Elephant Man!.



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    #9353
    JIdontknow
    Registered Users Posts: 713 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121636486#Comment_121636486

    Ya had right to shite in the tub and cover it in powder and call it a truffle... Maxwell house mild blend - have people no shame? And this from a non coffee drinker!



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    #9354
    JIdontknow
    Registered Users Posts: 713 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121639106#Comment_121639106

    Speaking of such. Don't you think there's such a fine line of that feeling of agony and euphoria when pushing out a plump one... You know the grimace of pain and checking if your arse is still there, or just sitting rejoicing in the glory can be the difference of millimeters, akin to goal line technology.



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    #9355
    Brendan Bendar
    Registered Users Posts: 19,112 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    It can indeed, straining to evacuate something like a horses hoof or a CFM56 engine can lead one to dab a tissue on the 16 spoker to check for damage.

    Drawstring damage can be very debilitating.



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    #9356
    tgdaly
    Registered Users Posts: 933 ✭✭✭tgdaly


    Someone should do a study on the lubricating properties of Maxwell House and how it effects the human body, and whether it can be applied to machinery.


    A strong cup of that and your load will be sliding out like a Jamaican bobsled team



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    #9357
    Bobson Dugnutt
    Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Laxwell House could bring immediate relief to even the most “bound up” Boards.ie poster.



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    #9358
    Floppybits
    Registered Users Posts: 7,545 ✭✭✭Floppybits


    Been plagued with the soft sticky stuff at the moment which is nice and all for the auld sphincter but jesus the clean up takes forever. Copious amounts of bog roll and wipes.



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    #9359
    Sgt Hartman
    Registered Users Posts: 2,438 ✭✭✭Sgt Hartman


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121636486#Comment_121636486

    No more than what they deserve after trying to force that vile excuse for coffee on you.

    I had a few St Omer beers in the brother’s house last night. It was the first time I alcohol in 3 weeks so my brain was totally gaga 🤪 after 5 of them. I’m on the train back home now and I notice my guts are starting to go a bit gaga now. I’ve already let some silent but deadlys rip on the train that smell like Calor Kosangas. I don’t want to use the horrific train toilets so I’ll try endure until I get home.



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    #9360
    Grouptherapy
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭Grouptherapy


    Hoop on me like a venting volcano after a mixed diet over the weekend.

    Left a wicked air biscuit in the little alcove where the printer is. Any gimp going there within the next 5 mins will get the good news. Happy Monday.



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    #9361
    cj maxx
    Registered Users Posts: 13,446 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121647807#Comment_121647807

    I was plagued with that and found a couple of Guinness tightened it up nicely .



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